It was too quiet in the cab coming back from the hospital. The rational part of Donna's brain knew that made perfect sense. Josh was tired. Exhausted both mentally and physically. So much had come to a head today, it wasn't surprising he was so quiet really. It still worried her though. She wasn't used to it. Even when he was in hospital after Rosslyn, he was keen to get moving, to talk incessantly, to keep busy. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe he'd tried so hard to overcompensate, that this was the price he was paying for it.
She looked towards him. His head was leaning on the window, gazing outwards but she wasn't convinced he was really looking at anything. He was holding his bandaged hand protectively to his chest. She shivered a little at the thought of just how much worse things could have been. Both to reassure herself and him, she put her hand out, gently holding his other hand, resting on the seat. Josh turned to look at her, slowly. A small but deeply sad smile appeared on his face. Donna smiled back at him, squeezing his hand.
"We'll get through this, ok?", she continued smiling reassuringly at him as she said it, making sure she emphasised the 'we' in the sentence.
He nodded slowly but with a blank expression on his face, as he turned back towards the window. Donna struggled to think of the right words, almost wanting to throw some banter at him. Anything to eke out a smile from him or a reaction, a return to regular old Josh. Really, she wanted reassurance, even though she felt selfish for admitting it. In the end, she accepted that nothing could be said. At least not for now. She carried on silently gripping his good hand tightly for the duration of the drive.
The taxi ride felt far longer than it should have and by the time they arrived at Josh's apartment, Donna felt like the events of the day were catching up on her. She stifled a yawn as she got out of the taxi, immediately feeling guilty that Josh might notice. She was a little surprised when he immediately sprung into action, paying for the cab before she had a chance to find her purse. It was the most active he'd been since the hospital.
As the taxi drove off, leaving them both at the stoop of his apartment, Josh suddenly looked unsure of himself.
"Er, you don't mind coming in for a bit, do you? Sorry, I should have asked before…you know…", Josh scratched the back of his head uncertainly as he muttered this, hardly looking up at her.
"No, I want to make sure you're ok before I go anywhere!"
"Oh…well…if you're sticking around till then…you sure you've got that kind of time to commit?" Josh laughed quietly and bitterly at this.
"Very funny. Come on, let's get out of the cold."
Donna knew it wasn't funny exactly, but what else could you say to something like that?
Without even realising, she found herself guiding him up the stairs. Her hand on his back, echoing how he'd usually guide her anywhere. She wasn't convinced she'd ever done that before, but it just made sense tonight. Almost like she was protecting him. For a moment, she wondered if that was why he always did it with her.
Once they reached his apartment, he opened the door to let her through first. She wandered in slightly unsure of what to do next. Josh brushed past her, dumping his coat on the armchair before unceremoniously collapsing onto the sofa. His head leaning back on the top of it, eyes shut.
Donna took the moment to gaze round his apartment, noticing that one window looked different from before.
"So, that was the window then?"
"Huh?", Josh opened one eye to see what she was looking at.
"The window you put your…" Donna couldn't decide how to finish the sentence, feeling like if she voiced it, she'd get upset.
"Ohh…Yeah. That one."
"What did you tell the Super?"
"I told him I slipped and put my arm out to stop myself and that happened."
"Wow."
"Yeah, he now thinks I'm the clumsiest tenant ever. He charged me a fortune too as it was an urgent fix."
"Well, you are kind of clumsy, you know."
Josh laughed, even if it wasn't that funny right now.
"This is true"
Pleased to see a small smile on his face, Donna decided sustenance was the next thing to handle. Leaving Josh on the sofa, she headed to his kitchen.
Walking in, she noticed it looked uncharacteristically neat. Opening the fridge, she realised why.
"Josh!" She yelled towards the living room.
"Yeah?"
"Why's there no food in your fridge?"
"There isn't?"
"Well, there's a jar of pickles and some beer, but I don't think that counts."
She started looking through his cupboards. Still hardly anything that could constitute real food, although there was pancake mix.
She walked back into the living room.
"When did you last do some grocery shopping?" Donna asked a still slumped on the sofa Josh.
"Er…I dunno. Maybe Wednesday night?"
Donna glared at him, just as Josh opened his eyes.
"When was this Wednesday night? Last month?"
"Er…maybe. I don't know. The days kind of blend."
By this point, Josh was looking decidedly sheepish and almost upset. Donna's annoyance was gradually fading with this realisation that the last thing he probably needed was 'tough love' right now.
"Don't worry about it. I'll order us in pizza. They should still be open."
"Thanks, but I'm not really that hungry."
"Which is exactly why you're going to eat."
"Huh? What kind of Donna logic is that?"
"You're exhausted. That's also why you've forgotten you need food and exactly why you need it now."
"I guess…"
Josh rolled his eyes and slumped back on the sofa, resigned.
Donna took this as a victory and went to grab the phone to make an order.
Josh yelled after her, "No pepperoni, extra…"
"…mushrooms and cheese. I know, Josh. I've had pizza with you before." Donna turned to smile at him.
"Thanks." Josh returned the smile. He continued looking towards her as she made the order. Her back turned away from him.
After a few moments, she started walking back towards him.
"K, all ordered. It'll be about 20 minutes."
Josh smiled again, noticing it was easier to smile for Donna than for himself.
She went to sit down then stopped herself.
"Have you had your meds? Your hand's going to be pretty sore once the local wears off." She asked.
Josh shrugged, "I'll be fine"
"You sure? It looked nasty."
"I said I'll be fine", Josh said a little more harshly.
Donna glared a little then realised now wasn't the time.
"Okay."
"Sorry, it's just been a long day. I didn't mean to snap."
"You must be feeling sick. I think you just apologised to me."
Josh laughed a short but genuine laugh.
"Yeah, well…got to humour you sometimes, right?"
He smirked a little at her. Donna immediately feeling warmed by the presence of this Josh. Her Josh.
They sat in silence then, just taking in the fact that neither had to be anywhere or do anything right this moment.
Ten minutes later, the buzzer rang out and Donna immediately saw Josh practically jump in his seat and his face darken with worry.
Donna quickly trained her face to not look as concerned as she felt, gently gripping his arm.
"Don't worry, it's just the pizza here earlier than we thought."
Josh nodded, biting his lip a little.
It took Josh a little while to settle down again but what was left of the evening went fairly uneventfully. The pair of them sitting side by side on the sofa, the pizza box laid out in front on the coffee table.
Time had lost all meaning by this point but not long after they'd finished the pizza, Donna realised that Josh was flagging.
"I don't want to sound like your Mom, but I think you need some sleep."
Josh perked up at this.
"Nah, I'm fine. It's not that late."
Donna frowned, "It really is."
Josh stifled a yawn.
"Yeah, I guess…"
Donna got up to tidy the pizza box away.
Josh stood and stretched, looking a little lost again. He started slowly making his way to his bedroom.
"Hey, Donna?"
Donna stopped in the doorway to the kitchen and turned.
"Yeah?"
"You're…er…", Josh paused and looked at Donna, uncertain about what to say next.
"Er…you're not…well…Look…", Josh took a deep breath, just about to blurt something out.
"I'm not going anywhere, Josh."
Josh breathed an audible sigh of relief.
"Good…I mean…thanks," Josh smiled softly at her.
Donna returned the smile, trying not to look too deeply at him.
"I'll make up the sofa after I finish up in the kitchen."
"No, no. You should have the bed. That's not fair on you!"
Donna returned the smile.
"That's sweet but you need rest way more than I do. For once."
She grinned at this, trying to lighten the mood. Josh nodded in return.
Donna seized her opportunity.
"Although, I'm taking one of your pillows as payment!"
Josh laughed. "That's fair."
Donna spent a little time poking around the kitchen. Trying to determine if there was some hidden stash of food somewhere. There wasn't. It was going to be a lean Christmas, she reckoned.
She wasn't sure if it was a sign that she'd taken too long or that Josh was just that tired but by the time she headed to Josh's bedroom to grab a pillow, he looked asleep. Even if he was sitting upright in bed with the bedside light still on.
She softly crept into the room and walked over to the bed. She grabbed a pillow before walking round to his side to turn the lamp off. The moment she flicked the switch off, Josh grabbed her arm, making her jump.
"No! Leave it on!" he exclaimed. The harsh tone from earlier returning.
Donna frowned.
"You'll never be able to sleep properly with it on though."
"I'll be fine…I…I need to be able to see."
"See? See what?"
"I don't know. I just…leave it on, ok?"
"As long as you're sure…"
"Yes! I'm sure. Just stop fussing so much."
The harsh tone was grating now and while Donna knew he didn't really mean it, she was exhausted too.
"Fine, whatever."
Josh frowned sleepily.
"I'm sorry. I'm just tired and…I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it."
"No…no…I shouldn't be taking this out on you. You don't deserve it."
"I said, don't worry about it, Josh. Just get some sleep, ok?"
The sheepish face was returning.
"Yeah…sorry. You get some sleep too, right?"
"Of course. I'll be right outside if you need anything, ok?"
"Ok"
Donna smiled at Josh as he snuggled down into the bed. Against her better judgement, she gently stroked her hand through his hair, across his forehead until his eyes began to close again.
He looked so lost and unlike the Josh she knew and…well, the Josh she knew, anyhow.
She headed to the sofa, trying to block out the myriad of worries in her head. Would he ever be the same Josh again? Could she have prevented any of this? What if the press found out about this? What if he put his hand through a window again? Or worse?
That last thought made her shiver and almost go back to his bedroom. She didn't think he would. At least not while she was there, but she wanted to be able to see him and know he was ok.
It was a long night of little sleep and a lot of worrying, although she did scratch out a plan in her head for Christmas day, figuring one day at a time was the best idea.
The next morning, she woke to find Josh staring at her. She wasn't sure out of the two of them who was most alarmed when she moved.
"Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you. It's just I wasn't sure whether to wake you or…"
Donna yawned and stretched, swiftly remembering just how uncomfortable sleeping on a sofa all night really is. She winced a little, trying to cover it so Josh didn't fuss.
"Sorry, I really should have taken the sofa. Not you," Josh continued to be uncharacteristically flustered.
Donna put her game face back on and sat up, "don't worry about it. I'm fine. Did you sleep ok?"
Josh scratched the back of his head as he sat down next to Donna.
"Yeah…I guess."
He didn't look directly at her as he answered, remaining focused on his bandaged hand.
"Hey, how's your hand today?" Donna looked towards it, wishing she could somehow see though the bandage.
"Heh, sore. Not burning like before but…sore."
"I guess that's something…hey wait, I forgot," Donna leapt up a little excitedly, "Happy Christmas!"
Josh couldn't help but smile at Donna's sudden outburst of childlikeness.
"That's sweet but you know this is your holiday not mine, right?"
"Well, we're going to change that for one year only!"
Josh raised his eyebrows at Donna's attitude. He was broken but he wasn't stupid. He could tell she was covering and trying to cheer him along.
"So, what's your plan then, Miss Christmas?"
"Well, we haven't got any food, a Christmas tree or any presents…Wait a minute…"
Donna leapt off the sofa and rushed to the other side of the room, grabbing her bag that had been unceremoniously dumped by the door last night.
She carried the bag back to the sofa, rifling through it.
Josh looked intrigued at just what was going on.
"What are you doing?"
"Trying to find your present in here," Donna explained as she dug around in the never-ending bag.
"It looks like Mary Poppins' bag, the way you're digging through it."
"Yeah, I guess it does…ah ha!"
Josh's eyebrows rose, "Found it? Whatever it is?"
"Yes! But I didn't get a chance to wrap it so close your eyes."
"But, Donna…"
"Close them!"
"Ok…" Josh followed along, humouring her and closing his eyes for a moment.
He felt her gently place a small rectangular object in his good hand. Against his better judgement, he clasped her hand a little just as she pulled back to sit alongside him on the sofa. He loved how soft and gentle Donna's touch was. It was like she was worried she'd break him. Understandably so right now, he figured.
"Ok, I'm sorry it's really lame. It seemed like a good idea at the time," Donna sounded flustered.
"Can I at least see before I judge whatever it is?"
"Ok, but I'm sorry."
Josh opened his eyes and looked down. It was a baseball card. Mike Piazza, back when he was a rookie for the Dodgers. He smiled at it fondly, looking over the stats.
"I know you love Mike Piazza so I figured…sorry it's not a Mets card but you know…" Donna looked away, sheepishly.
Josh looked up at her and smiled a genuine smile, "I love it."
"You don't have to humour me. I know it's not as good as what you got me last year, but I wasn't sure…"
Josh reached for her hand to get her attention.
"No, I love it. It's really thoughtful of you. Thank you."
They smiled at each other before Josh reached to hug her. The hug was comfortable and lasted longer than usual, thanks to them both not having to worry about what other people thought.
Donna smiled shyly at Josh, "I'm so glad you liked it. It was only really meant to be something little but then after the last few days…"
"Yeah, I'm sorry. You've gone through too much," Josh went back to trying not to look at her.
"Me?!" Donna exclaimed.
"Yeah…" Josh looked down at his feet. "You shouldn't have to put up with this. You don't get paid enough to give up your Christmas like this."
"Paid?!" Donna glared at Josh. "Why the hell do you think I'm here?"
"Er, well, because Leo told you to look out for me?"
Donna softened a little but she was still fairly annoyed. She grabbed his hand roughly, intending for it to be just to catch his attention. Josh looked up in alarm, finally looking at her in the eye. To say he looked sad would have been an understatement.
"Look at me, Josh. I'm here because I'm your friend. There is nothing more important to me than being here right now, got it?"
Josh nodded. It wasn't a confident nod, more like a small boy's sheepish agreement, but it was a start, she figured.
Donna continued, "It's not just Leo that's going to help you out of this hole, you know…"
She waited, watching it sink in.
"How did you know about…?"
"We talked. While you were in with Stanley. You're not alone."
She tightened her grip on his hand. He squeezed hers in return.
"Thanks, Donna. Really…thanks"
Donna smiled at Josh, feeling like things were back on track.
"I just…", Josh stuttered a little as he got the words out. "…I just…you should be with your family today, not me."
Donna smiled sadly at Josh.
"A family gathering where everyone tells me how I'm backing the wrong party then starts picking on the fact I haven't got a husband yet? No, thanks!"
Josh laughed nervously, "Ha, I guess."
Donna looked Josh in the eye.
"Seriously, Josh. Even if I had a great time with them, there's nowhere I'd rather be, ok?"
They smiled knowingly at each other. A glimmer of yet another special moment to go alongside the other 500 moments they'd shared but never quite developed upon.
Josh bit his lip before answering. "Ok"
Donna stood up, finally releasing Josh's hand.
"So, I've got a plan…" she explained.
"Oh?"
"First of all, you're going to go take a shower to get rid of your ER stink…"
Josh immediately looked sheepish at this. Ignoring the awkwardness, Donna continued.
"Then, we're going to order in Chinese food as soon as they open, and we're going to tackle that DVD collection of yours that I know you've been wanting to work your way through for so long."
Donna said it in such a decisive tone that Josh wouldn't have questioned it, even if he wanted to. Not that he did really. The idea of an entire day with just Donna sounded idyllic but he didn't like to think too hard about why this was the case.
"K, I'll go clean up" Josh accepted as he got off the sofa and made his way to the bathroom.
Donna set to work tidying up the living room from the night before. For a moment, she wondered just how quickly things had turned so domesticated. It reminded her of the times when he was physically broken and she knew they'd crossed a few lines into mildly inappropriate boss/assistant relations. Although, never the cardinal rule, she thought. Not that she'd ever considered anything like that with him, she reminded herself a little too quickly.
She ended up so wrapped in thought that cleaning up took longer than she expected. Before she knew it, Josh had reappeared, clutching a DVD in one hand, and wearing a frustratingly fitted sweater and jeans. Donna looked down at him and remembered what she was there for - noticing the bandage wrapped round his hand once more.
She looked towards his other hand.
"What film did you pull out?"
"Well, it was between All the President's Men or Die Hard. I figured it was Christmas so…"
Josh waved the Die Hard box in Donna's face, seeming pleased with himself. Almost too pleased. She figured she'd better keep an eye on that. He seemed like he was overcompensating.
Not long into the film, she realised this was all a terrible mistake. They were both on the sofa, next to each other, close enough to touch, but not quite. That wasn't the issue. The issue was that Josh had picked out a film full of gun violence and sirens. Donna kicked herself for not thinking of this beforehand. Now it was awkward.
She could see that he wasn't dealing very well with what was unfolding on screen, but she guessed that he wasn't willing to admit it. Being close enough to him though, she could feel him tensing up and flinching just a little bit. Donna looked at him and realised he looked paler than usual too.
She broke their silence.
"Ugh, I hate Die Hard. I forgot how stupid it was."
Josh jumped at the sound of her voice.
"Huh?" he asked.
"Can't we watch something else?"
Donna knew she was whining, but she needed to give him an excuse. As well as something to complain about.
"I thought you loved Die Hard? I thought that was where your obsession with Bruce Willis started?"
They'd paused the film by this point and the loss of such uncomfortable sounds was already clearly calming Josh.
"Maybe once upon a time but now? No, it's so dated!"
Josh frowned at Donna, not quite believing her story.
"Well, what do you want to watch?"
By now, Josh had turned to look directly at Donna. She hoped her poker face was better than his.
"Hmm, how about When Harry Met Sally?"
Josh made a slightly disgusted face at this.
"Seriously? That sappy film? I doubt I even own it…"
"Yeah, you do. Remember I brought it round that time."
"Ohh, yeah. I guess then."
Josh didn't look impressed but Donna figured a slightly grumpy Josh was far better than him continuing to struggle through Die Hard. And she knew When Harry Met Sally was free of violence and sirens.
"Great! You set it up. I'll get the Chinese ordered."
Josh frowned.
"Don't ever tell Toby I gave in this easily, ok?"
"Deal," Donna smirked at Josh.
It was nearly the perfect plan. She'd saved Josh from admitting he was struggling and before long, they were finally settled on one movie, with Chinese food in front of them. His feet were resting on the floor, while hers were on the sofa to the side of her, sort of creating a barrier between her and him. It really was so nearly the perfect plan, she thought. Just as she realised a crucial problem she hadn't thought of.
The entire film was full of a 'will they, won't they' style romance, just full of questions about whether men and women can be friends or not. It felt awkward to watch, right there with Josh, knowing there was an undercurrent going on, and that they were both seemingly so happy to spend a holiday together.
As the film neared the halfway point, she noticed that Josh was starting to doze a little. Whether it was the emotion of the day or the food, she couldn't tell, but she was relieved that he presumably wasn't paying much attention.
Then, he gently grabbed her legs and moved them onto his lap.
Looking at her, he explained.
"I figured you'd get cramp if you stayed that squashed up for too long." He smiled at her, reassuringly.
Bringing the banter, she retorted "You ok, Josh? You're thinking of others. It feels odd" and smirked back at him.
Josh mock glared. "Well, I figured you had a rough night sleeping on here as it was. It's the least I could do."
And that was that. They carried on watching the film while staying that bit closer to each other. It was nice, she had to admit. She couldn't decide if she was disappointed or relieved that he did no more than rest his damaged hand on her leg. His other hand resting to the side of him. It still felt cosy though. Intimate and natural, even though the sensible side of her brain knew this wasn't a typical boss/assistant thing to do. But then, nor was spending Christmas together, she figured.
By the end of the film, she felt pretty relaxed. The most relaxed she'd felt in days. She hadn't really considered just how tiring worrying about Josh was. Not that she begrudged it, but it was a relief to be there and see he was ok. Maybe not ok on the inside but well enough that she could protect him.
Donna didn't realise she'd been staring at Josh until he turned and looked at her. They both broke the cardinal rule of looking at each other for a little too long.
Josh broke the silence.
"I'm sorry your Christmas hasn't been great."
She wasn't convinced she could remember ever seeing him look so sad before, which was saying something given she had to tell him about his father. She didn't really know what to say.
"What?"
"Your Christmas…I'm sorry it sucked. I know Christmas is a big deal for you."
The sorrow remaining evident in his eyes, she tried to think how she could convince him that it really didn't suck. She ran with a crazy idea - the truth.
"All I could want to improve my Christmas is if you were happier."
"Seriously? What about a tree? Or presents? Or a proper meal?"
"Seriously. It's been fun, Josh."
Josh looked away, uncertain of how to react. Keeping his head down, he continued,
"I'm sorry I haven't been better company, at least."
"You've been great, Josh. Don't worry about it."
Josh smiled surprisingly shyly at her for this, only the slightest hint of dimples even.
She risked it, moving nearer to him to engulf him in a bear hug. Quietly speaking in his ear, she explained,
"I told you, Josh. We're going to get through this, ok?"
She felt Josh nod in agreement. And that was that. The nearest to a big talk for quite some time.
The rest of the day was spent doing, well, not much. Some TV, some picking at leftover Chinese, some sipping of the leftover beer, some random talks about nothing and everything.
By the time that late evening had come around, Josh and Donna were happily ensconced on the sofa together. Donna's legs were back on Josh's lap, now with one of his hands gently stroking them. Both of them knew it wasn't sensible but neither cared much right that second. It seemed to calm Josh and Donna certainly wasn't complaining.
As the night wore on, Donna started to wonder. Should she go home? She didn't really want to, for a whole number of reasons she thought she shouldn't analyse, yet she wasn't really sure how to approach staying either.
Maybe that's how come things worked out.
Josh had got up relatively late in the evening to go grab some drinks. A nightcap she figured, before she went home, not that he'd said anything either. When he came back, he moved her along from her place.
"Move up, you've got the better position for seeing the TV!"
Donna went to get up and move to the other side, but Josh gently grabbed her.
"Hey, I know I haven't been running in a while but I'm not that big yet. Just move down a little."
Which was how she ended up snuggled between the side of the sofa and Josh's chest. As before, neither questioned it.
Somewhere along the lines, they both fell asleep.
When she woke up, the home shopping channel had taken over from the earlier broadcast. During her sleep, Donna had snuggled down lower into the sofa. Her head on his chest, one leg hooked over his, and a hand across his torso. She immediately felt like she was doing something very wrong. As she went to move though, his arm wrapped itself round her body, holding her close to him.
She looked down. He was still clearly asleep but he looked content. The lines from his face vanishing, returning his face to that boyish look that worked so well for him. Donna couldn't help but smile.
If he could look this content at last, then he could look like that again.
She decided to put all those 'inappropriateness' worries aside. Just for a little while longer. And snuggled back down to, what she decided was, her new happy place. She'd figure out the rest another day.