Disclaimer – I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh! or the songs mentioned in this fic
*Rated M for Mature
Summary: You know things are bound to go wrong when Seto Kaiba throws a Christmas Party. Plus 'Secret Santas? Spiked eggnog? Whacked-out Christmas Carols? What's a drunk Yu-Gi-Oh! gang to do?
Gifts All Around
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse—
Yeah, right!
Tonight was the night of Seto Kaiba's First Annual Christmas Party and his plan was slowly coming into play. About a week ago, the CEO had decided that everyone should take part in "Mission: Secret Santa."
In layman's terms, this usually means that everyone puts their names in a hat or something and everyone draws out a name. The name of the person they draw is who they will get a present for, but the giver of the present is completely secret until the giving of the gift.
Now, this is how the game is typically played, but since we're not dealing with normal people, these rules are…well, ruled out. Especially when Seto Kaiba is in charge.
After everyone submitted their names, Kaiba replaced them all with his own. Yeah. That does sound like Kaiba, yet no one was the wiser.
Anyway, all the "Secret Santas" would reveal themselves during the party.
Which was tonight.
In front of everyone.
So, yeah. We'll see how this turns out.
"Good evening, everyone," began Kaiba as he addressed his guests. "I hope you will all enjoy my First Annual Christmas Party. Refreshments are in the entertainment room. So let the party begin!"
Kaiba opened the doors to the entertainment room. Everyone gasped at the wonderful display before them. A fifteen foot tree stood prominently in the center of the room, lavishly decorated in red and gold ornaments. Poinsettia patterned ribbons swirled around the tree and sparkling lights adorned its branches. Several tables were set with as much food as one could possibly think of. It was literally a sweets overload. Holiday music blared from the speakers strategically placed about the room.
"I got dibs on the quiche!" yelled Joey as he hurled himself toward the table with food…and collided into it.
"Goddamn it, Puppy!" exclaimed Kaiba. "I spent hours setting up that display!"
Everyone sighed as they watched the CEO scold his boyfriend on his childish behavior. He didn't care, though; he was too busy eating quiche.
"We're barely five minutes into this party and we've already had a disaster," muttered Yami, "This should be interesting."
"Hey, everyone! Put your gifts under the tree and we'll reveal the 'Secret Santas' later, okay? I hope everyone is ready for the gift giving," said Mokuba.
"I think I want mine now," Duke said, holding a sprig of mistletoe over Tristan's head.
Tristan looked at Duke with narrowed eyes. "Don't even think about it. Get that thing away from me before I shove it down your throat!"
"You know that mistletoe is poisonous, right?" voiced Ryou.
"Really?" Tristan exclaimed, his eyes looking hopeful. "Duke! Give me that mistletoe! I really am gonna shove it down your throat! Bwahahahahaha!"
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Duke.
Tristan took off after Duke into parts unknown, but no one really cared about Duke's welfare.
As everyone stared at the detrimental duo, Bakura came over, laughing to himself.
"What are you so smug about?" questioned Ryou.
"Oh, nothing. Just something to liven up the party later," he smirked.
"Oh, dear."
"Hey! Who wants to dance?" cried out Tea.
"I do!" shouted Yugi, Malik, and Marik simultaneously as they dragged Tea across the room to start dancing.
"I think I'll sit this one out," said Ryou.
"Me, too," replied Yami.
"Who wants eggnog?" asked Bakura devilishly.
"Okay, everyone! It's time for 'Secret Santa.' Go to the tree," declared Mokuba.
As everyone went to retrieve their presents from under the tree, they noticed something quite peculiar.
"Hey! Why are they all addressed to Kaiba?" asked Tea.
"We pulled out Kaiba's name," said Yugi and Yami.
"So did we," replied Ryou and Bakura.
"Us, too," stated Duke and Tristan.
"What are you trying to pull, Seto?" asked Joey.
"Nothing. I do deserve it, after all. I've done quite a bit for you all, don't you think?" responded Kaiba.
No one could argue with that logic…literally. You know why? Because it was Kaiba's logic.
Kaiba sat down on a chair near the tree and crossed his arms, waiting expectantly.
"Okay. Well, we might as well get this over with," said Mokuba as he handed his brother his gift. He opened it, only to reveal a brand new trench coat. It was black with blue flames. He smiled. He actually smiled.
"Thank you," said Kaiba. "Next!"
Next up was Marik. He handed over his gift and Kaiba unwrapped it.
"What the hell is this?"
"It's a homemade flamethrower. You like it?"
"…sure…"
He then received a pair of night vision goggles from Malik (what he'd do with them, he had no idea), a new laptop from Joey (at least that was useful), some video games from Tea (as if he didn't have them already), an antique Crusader sword from Yugi and Yami (like he'd be going into battle anytime soon; however, it would be fun to brandish it on his employees one day), a pair of boots from Duke (that was okay), some CDs from Tristan (boring), and a book on mythology from Ryou (whoopdeedoo).
"What about you, Bakura? Didn't you get him anything?" asked Ryou.
"I sure did!" he squealed (you read that correctly) and ran out of the room. He came back just as quickly, lugging a large box. Bakura placed it in front of Kaiba and the present started to move. Hesitantly, Kaiba lifted the lid off the box. Inside was a—
"PUPPY!"
"What?" Joey asked, startled.
"Not you!" Kaiba snapped.
"Isn't he great?" cried Bakura.
Kaiba lifted the puppy from the box and set him on the ground. He stared at the puppy. The puppy stared back. He glared at the puppy. The puppy stared back.
"The stupid thing sure doesn't do much, does he?" said Duke.
Suddenly, the puppy turned on Duke and growled. Then he lunged at him. Duke gave out a blood curdling scream as the puppy dragged him by the ankles out of the room.
"HELP ME!" they all heard as he was dragged away.
"Hn. Thanks, Bakura. I really like him. I think I'll call him…Reaper."
Suddenly, Duke burst back into the room and slammed the door shut. He looked completely disheveled. Next, he collapsed on the floor and started weeping.
"Does anyone want eggnog?" Bakura asked once more.
"Mokuba? I think your brother's drunk," said Yami.
"What? Why do you say tha— OH MY GOD!" exclaimed Mokuba as he saw what his brother was doing.
"He's actually doing that in public?" said Tea.
"And with Joey, nonetheless," replied Ryou.
"Wow, Mokuba. I didn't know your brother was that flexible," said Yami.
"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god," muttered Mokuba.
"I didn't know Joey was that flexible either," said Tristan.
"I think he's drunk, too," said Bakura.
"How on earth could they be drunk?" cried Mokuba as he tried to block out what his brother was doing.
"I spiked the eggnog," stated Bakura as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Whoa! I did not think those two were capable of that," groaned Yami, quickly averting his eyes. "This is so embarrassing."
"Don't watch!" cried Mokuba.
"Oh, look! Joey's on top!" exclaimed Bakura, pointing at Kaiba and his boyfriend.
"Uh, Kaiba's on top again," said Tea.
"I wonder how long he can keep that up," said Bakura.
Kaiba moaned and collapsed on top of Joey, panting slightly. His face was red and he was sweating profusely. Joey was in the same condition.
Yep.
You guessed it.
They had just finished playing a nice round of Twister.
Come on now. What were YOU thinking?
"Hey, Kaiba! This party sucks!" exclaimed Duke. Kaiba just stared at him in a drunken stupor. He stared some more…and then some more. Eventually, what Duke said finally registered in his brain. Kaiba brought his hand back and punched Duke in the nose, blood spurting from it.
"Hey!" Joey shouted, smacking Kaiba in the head. "You can't just randomly hit people like that!"
"Okay," Kaiba answered. "I'm sexy," he said suddenly. Yep! Kaiba was drunk, all right.
He looked at Mokuba, Mokuba looked at Joey, Joey shrugged his shoulders, Bakura tried to hold in a giggle, Yami's eye twitched, Tea burst out laughing, Ryou sighed, Malik and Marik looked on innocently, and Duke tried the mistletoe thing again on Tristan (he put mistletoe everywhere).
As everyone tried to get over Kaiba's random statement, Duke took the opportunity to grab Tristan, pull him under the mistletoe and kiss him. In shock, Tristan didn't respond right away, but when he did, Duke and everyone else knew it.
"OOOOHHH!" Duke moaned as he crumpled to the floor, tears streaming down his face.
Tristan had kneed him in the groin.
"Hn. Impressive," Bakura said.
"Hello—hic—everyone. I think now is the—hic—time for some KARAOKE! First up is yours truly!" said Kaiba quite drunkenly. Everyone just kind of stared until he started singing.
Let It Flow
(sung to Let It Snow)
Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the beer inside's delightful.
And since we've no place to go,
Let it Flow,
Let it Flow,
Let it Flow!
Oh we show no signs of stopping, and now we're really hopping.
And the lights are turned way down low.
Let it Flow,
Let it Flow,
Let it Flow!
When we finally drink it dry, how we hate going back to the store.
Maybe we'll just get high, and all fall asleep on the floor!
Oh the party is slowly dying.
And our friends have all stopped buying.
Now my bladder really wants to know.
Where to go,
Where to go,
Where to go?
"Next up is Bakura—hic—with a nice holiday ditty. Bakura?"
"Yep! My tuuuurrnnnn!"
"Are they all drunk?" whispered Yugi to Yami.
"I think so," sighed Yami. Bakura stood up in front of everyone and began singing.
Deck My Balls
(sung to Deck the Halls)
Deck my balls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tap the keg, inflate the dolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our rubber panties,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
We're a bunch of twisted Santies,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Naughty girls are such a treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
These North Poles were made for pleasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fucked the elves, fucked all the reindeer,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Fuck the cookies, bring us COLD BEER!
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
And with that, Bakura passed out on the floor. Everyone was pretty much silent.
"Could this possibly get any worse?" groaned Mokuba.
"Um, what if I said yes?" asked Tea.
"What do you mean?"
"Look."
"Oh, no. Not that. Anything but that."
Duke marched up, dressed in what can only be defined as underwear. But not just any underwear.
Women's underwear!
He was completely wasted.
Walking 'Round in Women's Underwear
(sung to Winter Wonderland)
Lacey things, the wife is missin'
Didn't ask for her permission
I'm wearin' her clothes, her silk pantyhose
Walking 'round in women's underwear.
In the store, there's a teddy
With little straps like spaghetti
It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night
Walking 'round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Wooohh man!
Just wait until the wife is out of town..."
Later on, if you wanna
We can dress like Madonna
Put on some eyeshade, and join the parade
Walking 'round in women's underwear.
Lacey things, missing
Didn't ask, permission
Wearing her clothes, silk pantyhose
Walking 'round in women's underwear...
Walking 'round in women's underwear...
Walking 'round in women's underwear!
At this point, everyone, whether drunk or not, sobered up and gawked at Duke. Kaiba regained what little sense he had at this point and thought, I'm never having a Christmas party ever again. He then passed out on the floor, too.
By the end of the night, Kaiba and Bakura were unconscious and completely oblivious to everything else that went on.
Tristan had ripped the place to shreds, destroying every bit of mistletoe he could find, while Joey struggled with his boyfriend, who, in his sleep, mistook his boyfriend for a teddy bear and hugged him to death (not literally to death).
Ryou, Tea, and Mokuba sat in a corner and played with Reaper the puppy, teaching it how to sit and play fetch, of which Duke became the puppy's favorite 'fetch' item.
Malik decided to throw all the leftover food at the walls, creating a pretty disgusting panorama.
Marik, on the other hand, figured out how to use the homemade flamethrower Kaiba received and set the Christmas tree on fire, burning it to the ground. It was utterly creepy to see his facial expression go from confused to pleased when he made this discovery.
And finally, Yugi and Yami sat at the back of the room and wondered how they were going to explain to Kaiba why his entertainment room would need to be renovated.
End