SAMI & JESS

SAVE THE WORLD (OF WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT)

It was a day like any other. (They usually are.) Sami Callihan and his stunningly awesome girlfriend Jessicka Havok were just standing around minding their own business (see: making out) when suddenly, a strange object appeared in the sky above them.

"What the fuck is that?!" Jess asked in shock.

"What? I'm happy to see you," Sami said, assuming she was referring to what she felt rubbing up against her.

"Not that, Sami," Jess said with a laugh. "I'm very familiar with that. I'm talking about that." She pointed at it.

"Holy balls!" Sami proclaimed. "That's a fucking UFFO!"

"U-F-F-O?" Jess asked.

"Unidentified Fucking Flying Object!"

"Right. What the hell is going on?" Jess grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the spot where the large ship was coming down. It landed on top of a building they both knew.

"That's the WWE's Corporate Headquarters!" Sami pointed out helpfully. "They've come for the McMahons!"

"Good," Jess said with a laugh, but even she knew they couldn't just sit back and let this happen. "Come on. We need to figure out what's going on here."

They crept into the WWE headquarters carefully. Sami was on the NXT roster, so technically, he didn't have to sneak around, but Jess had no official ties to the company and they'd probably kick her out. Jess walked with a ninja-like precision, careful not to be seen.

When they arrived at the office of Triple H, they could hear him talking to someone. The door was partially open. Inside, to their horror, a group of Alien Zombie Marks stood speaking to Triple H.

"You must do this," their leader insisted in a hiss.

"Yessss," the others echoed. "You mussssst…"

"I… Must?" Triple H replied.

"He's in some sort of trance," Sami whispered.

"How can you tell the difference? I thought he always looked like that," Jess whispered back.

"Yesssss. Book it!" The leader insisted.

"Book it! Book it!" The others added.

"I need to book it…" Triple H paused. "Wait, book what again?"

"Ssssssscena! Book Cena!" The leader said.

"Right, Cena… Against who?"

"Everyone! Cena against the world! And he must win! Every sssssingle time!"

"Every time?"

"Let'ssss go Sssssscena!"

"But… Cena sucks?"

"He's trying to resist," Sami said. "Even Triple H knows this is a horrible idea."

"He's not strong enough, Sami," Jess whispered in horror. "Look at him! He's about to cave. We have to stop this from happening."

""Book it! Book it now!" They insisted.

"John Cena… Against… Um… Lesnar?" Triple H asked.

"Sssssuplex Ssssscity!" They chanted.

"And John Cena against… Kevin Owens?"

"Revenge! Revenge for Ssssscena!"

"And John Cena against… Undertaker?"

"Yessss! Bury him! Bury the Dead Man!" The leader proclaimed.

"And John Cena against… Me? Wait, do I get to win?"

"No. Ssssscena mussssst kick out at two!"

"Kick out at two…" Triple H nodded, writing it all down. "And Cena against Dean Ambrose?"

"Yesssss! Ambrosssssse jobsssss again!"

"Now wait just one fucking minute!" Sami shouted. He'd had enough.

Jess shrugged. If any of the ideas were worth interrupting, it was this one. "Triple H, snap out of it!" She shouted, charging in after Sami, who had bitch slapped the leader of the Alien Zombie Marks. The leader bitch slapped him back, so Sami did it again.

This could go on for a while, Jess thought with a sigh as the two went back and forth. "Listen to me, Triple H! Those ideas are terrible," she insisted.

"No! I love it! The fans will love it!" Triple H insisted.

"Listen, dumbass, the fans don't want John Cena shoved down their throats every fucking week!"

"Okay, okay… So someone will beat him… But who?" He paused.

"Reignsssss!" The leader shouted.

"Reigns! Yes, Roman Reigns can beat John Cena! It'll be great! On a Pay-Per-View! Maybe even at Wrestlemania!"

"Oh, for shit's sake! You're kidding, right?" Jess demanded. "Sami! Shut that guy up!"

"I'm trying!" Sami told her. He punched the Alien Zombie Mark in his groin. The leader howled in pain and doubled over.

"Dude, listen to me," Jess said urgently. "This is some of the worst booking you've ever considered. You'll sink the company!"

"But these ideas are great! Who else should I book?" Triple H asked.

"Anyone against Ambrosssse!" One cried out.

"Yes! Yes, see? Ambrose! Great!"

"And he mussssst lose!" Another added. "Ambrosssse must always lose!"

"But… He's a great talent…"

"Who musssst lose! It'sssss better that way!" The leader said, regaining his ability to speak.

"Better… Okay. Okay, Ambrose is a jobber," Triple H said.

"Like Ryder! Team him with Ryder!"

"Woo-woo-woo!" The others proclaimed.

"You know it!" Triple H replied. "Fantastic! Screw Mojo! That gimmick isn't good for Ryder anyway… Ambrose and Ryder, the greatest team of jobbers in the history of the business!"

Sami was seeing red now. He manifested a beer bottle out of nowhere and smashed it over Triple H's head. "Over your dead body!" Sami proclaimed. "You are not turning my best fucking friend into a fucking jobber!"

"Sami, stop! Triple H isn't the enemy," Jess said. "These fucking alien zombie mark things are!"

The Alien Zombie Marks ran toward the exit. They raced upstairs. "After them!" Sami shouted. He and Jess ran toward them. They hurried up the stairs and reached the roof. The creatures stood on top of the roof waiting for the opportunity to escape.

Jess gasped as she saw the side of the ship. "Look!" She said, pointing to the words written on it.

WWE Creative.

Sami's eyes widened as he said, "You know, that explains so much!"

"Sami, we have to stop them! They're ruining wrestling for all of the fans. People think WWE is what wrestling is supposed to be, but with the shit they're selling Triple H, they've destroyed the business!" Jess declared.

"Destroyed wrestling? No! I won't stand for that!" Sami pulled a kendo stick out of thin air. It was wrapped in barbed wire.

Jess smiled and manifested a steel chair with thousands of thumb tacks glued onto it with the points facing out.

"How did you do that?" The leader demanded.

"It's indy magic, bitch!" Jess replied.

"Welcome to CZW, Motherfucker!" Sami added.

"But… But… That's not PG!" The leader proclaimed in horror.

"Fuck PG!" Sami and Jess shouted in unison.

"Nooooo! You have offended me! My children are watching!"

"Fuck your children! Put their asses to bed or tell them to grow the fuck up or fuck off!" Sami said. He swung the kendo stick toward the leader, slicing him open with the barbed wire. The leader bled red, which pleased Sami. (Blood just wasn't the same in other colors.)

The Alien Zombie Mark underlings tried to escape from them, but Jess began attacking with her shiny thumb tack chair. Soon, everyone was bleeding, and as they lay dying, so did their terrible, terrible storyline ideas.

"Fuck you, WWE Creative!" Jess shouted.

"Fuck yeah!" Sami added.

Finally, every last one of the Alien Zombie Marks was dead. Jess and Sami were gasping for breath and riding the adrenaline together. Sami pulled her into his arms for a kiss.

And so, the world was saved from truly terrible booking thanks to the heroic efforts of Sami and Jess.

"That was fun," Jess said. "How will we ever top this adventure?"

Sami grinned at her mischievously. "Oh, I'm sure we'll think of something."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I really wanted to write a story about Sami Callihan and Jessicka Havok, but a normal fic didn't seem to work. I happen to think they're a very cute couple and their couple photos amuse me, but I knew I could never tell a traditional story and do them justice, so I came up with the idea to do a series of one-shot stories thrown together to paint a humorous picture of their many adventures. I will be updating this fic randomly as new adventures inspire me. If you liked this one, please follow this fic so you'll know when I post new ones. Any reviews are appreciated. This is obviously meant to be a tongue-in-cheek humor fic, so expect a lot more of that. If you enjoyed my kayfabe Bray Wyatt fics, you'll probably enjoy these stories, too!