Disclaimer: No I don't own Harry Potter or anything related to that huge phenomenon. Nor do I own the song. it's Kate Winslet's "What If".
So I wrote this story about 4 or 5 years ago, obviously pre HBP but I have gone through and edited and corrected some grammatical errors. A little depressing but I think worth a read…especially if you know the song…if you don't go download it!
What If?
Here I stand alone
with this weight upon my heart
and it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change
Hermione was standing in what had once been "their spot". On a hillside in Scotland, beneath a huge tree with low-hanging branches, overlooking the ocean. She was thinking about their relationship and she was caught up in a flashback to her 6th year at Hogwarts
6th Year
"I heard that Malfoy tried to curse his dad for trying to make him become a death eater."
"Yeah, well I heard that Lucius tried to kill Draco for turning against him."
"Yeah that's what I heard too, but Voldemort was after Draco too because he knows too much about the Dark Side now."
There were whispers all around the Great hall after the Christmas holidays and word had leaked out that the Malfoy family was in a controversy centered around Lord Voldemort. Draco was taking it all in stride as he had never really much cared what his fellow students thought of him but the continued whispering was beginning to grate on his nerves.
After he finished with dinner he went to the library to try to work on a potions assignment that they had received that afternoon. That was where he ran into Hermione Granger, she was perusing a book in the aisle that Draco needed to look in.
"Pardon me Granger"
Hermione scooted aside as she looked up and saw Malfoy's intense eyes boring into hers. "Sorry" Hermione muttered as she continued to watch Malfoy as he searched for a book.
"Are you looking for the potions book for Snape's homework?" Hermione suddenly inquired.
"Yes, I am" Draco replied turning to face her.
"Well I have it right now, this is the only copy the library seems to have. But if you need it I guess we could look over it together."
Hermione was shocked that she was being this nice to a boy that had been so cruel to her and her friends for the past 5 years. She was even more shocked that Draco took her up on her offer. They found a table and sat down to begin studying.
After about half an hour Hermione looked up at Draco and waited for him to notice her. When he did so she asked him, "Why are you being so nice tonight?" Draco noted the suspicion in her voice and answered her with "Because I need to do my homework".
'It wasn't a lie' Draco thought as he started to read again, but after a few seconds he felt Hermione's eyes on him yet again and he looked up. "What is it Granger?"
"Is what everyone's saying true?"
Draco was not expecting this and was at a loss for words momentarily, but he quickly recovered, "Well I don't know...who is saying what?"
"You know...that you and your father got in this huge fight over joining Voldemort and now they both want to kill you...and...stuff..." Hermione trailed off not certain if she should be prying like this. There was a heavy silence then Draco sighed.
"Well I did tell my father that I was not ready to join the Death Eaters and that I wanted no part in the Dark Lord's plans right now. He was not pleased and I was banned from Malfoy Manor until, as he puts it, 'I have come to my senses'.".
Hermione just sat there staring at Draco totally unprepared for him to tell her something like that.
"What?" Draco asked, wishing she wouldn't stare at him like that.
"Nothing" Hermione said, shaking her head, "Thank you for telling me"
"Don't mention it". The two students went back to their homework and not another word was said until they were both finished with the assignment.
As they were about to part ways Hermione turned to Draco and said, "I'm always here if you need to talk about something...and there's always room in the D.A. if you feel like joining the good guys" Draco smiled at the halfway joking tone in her voice as she said this last part, "Thanks Granger"
"You can call me Hermione"
"Yeah um...alright...see you tomorrow...Hermione"
"Bye Draco"
Present Day
Hermione shook her head at how her and Draco's friendship had started, then she was back at Hogwarts again, revisiting the memory of when the rest of her friends found out her and Draco had become pals.
"Hermione, what are you thinking?!" Harry exclaimed as Hermione told him and Ron that she would be spending that particular Hogsmeade visit with Malfoy.
"You, you're fraternizing with the enemy!!" Ron sputtered.
"Guys, he's changed! I know he has. He doesn't want to join Voldemort's side or anything. He's just a normal student."
Both Harry and Ron snorted and gave Hermione a look that suggested she was completely nutters.
After that weekend Hermione and Draco had become practically inseparable. They spent spare moments between classes together and by the end of the year the entire school knew that Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger had become a couple. No one was more shocked than the couple themselves, but they didn't want to mess with what they had going so they just went day by day enjoying each other's company.
The summer before 7th year is where they discovered the hillside that Hermione was currently standing on. Draco vacationed with Hermione's family that summer in Scotland and this was the place they came to be alone. A tear trickled down Hermione's cheek as she thought about that summer on this very hillside. It's where Draco had first told her that he loved her and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
Back at school for their 7th year Hermione and Draco had become Head Boy and Girl and were still the hottest and most talked about couple of Hogwarts. After the Christmas holidays however, things began to change. Draco had started to try to get Hermione to ditch Harry and Ron completely. In fact he wanted her to forget about all of her friends and to only focus on him. Yet Draco seemed to be getting back some of his old friends that he had lost the previous year after denouncing his father and Voldemort. Crabbe and Goyle were around more than usual as were some other nasty Slytherins. Hermione remembered one particularly nasty fight they had had one evening.
Well I tried
but I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinnng in my mind
"Draco, I really don't like you being around Crabbe and Goyle again, they aren't exactly the best influences on you."
"Well, Mione, I don't like you being around Potter and Weasley, but you refuse to stop hanging out with them"
"Because they are doing nothing wrong, and unlike Crabbe and Goyle, Harry and Ron are not, nor are they related to any Death Eaters."
Hermione had never seen Draco so angry, "Don't ever criticize my friends'"
"Don't worry Draco, cause I don't think I can handle this relationship anymore...you're not you anymore...you seem more and more like the way you used to be before 6th year and I am tired of it!!"
"Is that what you think? That I'm turning back to the old me? Does that mean you think I am going to join ranks with my father and Lord Voldemort?".
Hermione just glared at him.
"Well maybe I will...just so you can be right...like you always think you are!"
Hermione stared Draco down and in a surprisingly calm voice said, "Goodbye Draco", and walked out of his life right then and there.
Draco didn't know what to do, he had never felt this confused, or alone. A single tear formed and rolled down his cheek, but he wiped it away angrily as he sank to his knees completely lost for the first time in his life.
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
but I guess we'll never know
Many roads to take
Some to joy
some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
and I'd I said that we could turn t bak
right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change
After an hour of lying on the floor stunned at what had just happened, Draco had made up his mind. He was not going to be made a fool of by Hermione Granger, he was stupid to even think that their relationship stood a chance. Now he was utterly alone and even more miserable than he had been at Malfoy Manor with his father, so with that thought in mind Draco stood up and strode out of the room purposefully and headed straight to the owlery. "If my life is less miserable than this by my father's side then so be it. I will go back and live out my life dutifully and like a Malfoy." Draco thought as he tied the letter he had just composed to his father to the leg of his owl. But he couldn't shake the nagging feeling that this was the wrong course of action and that he should just go try to talk to Hermione. "No", Malfoy said aloud, trying to convince himself, but failing miserably. He didn't want to go back to the dark side, he wanted to be with Hermione, to hold her in his arms and tell her that he loved her and hear her say it in return, but trying to be strong, and thinking it was for the best, he sent the owl off to give his father news that would finally make him proud.
Meanwhile, Hermione had gone straight to her dormitory and cried herself to sleep, knowing that things would never be the same, and wondering if Draco meant what he said about joining Voldemort.
The days that followed their break-up were fairly uneventful and the two students did their best to avoid any sort of confrontation, but wanting badly for the other to come up and speak to them.
Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side
Present
Hermione thought about how silly it all seemed now. Petty jealousy and fear of things that might never happen. But there was nothing she could do about it now. She walked over to the tree and sat down beside a large smooth stone at the base of the trunk and stared out over the crashing waves and felt the breeze on her face. She cherished every second she was alive and at this very moment she felt very alive, as if her and Draco were here together like that one summer. Then the bad memories flooded her mind as she began to relive the days after her break up with Draco.
Flashback
It had been about a month after the break up and Hermione had moved on the best she could, and was preparing for N.E.W.T.s in all of her spare time. Draco had seemed to move on quite easily and was also preparing for N.E.W.T.'s as well as life after Hogwarts. He had been in regular correspondence with his father and he was set to receive the dark mark after he returned for the summer.
N.E.W.T.'s came and went, Hermione naturally got top grades in her class, followed by Draco.
But Hermione, along with Harry and Ron were becoming increasingly busy with the D.A. because word had spread that Voldemort was becoming more and more powerful and that he planned on coming for Harry any day now.
Hermione was worried, not only because of the danger her and her friends were in, but also because she had a feeling Draco had kept his word and joined the dark side for good. She couldn't bear the thought of fighting against him, but she had no choice, it was his own fault that he became a death eater.
Draco knew the Dark Lord's plans and was thoroughly prepared to follow orders and help him carry out the attacks, that is until Lucius came to him one day.
"Son, I have a special assignment for you."
"What's that Father?"
"Well I have been informed that Miss Granger is in charge of intelligence in the fight against us, and she has been finding out entirely too much. I need you to get rid of her.".
Draco stared at his father for what seemed like an eternity. "He can't be serious" Draco thought. "I have no problem helping Voldemort, but being asked to murder the only girl I have ever loved? I can't" He was having a very intense mental battle, until his father snapped him out of his daze.
"Draco? Did you understand what I said?"
"Yes father"
"Good, because I want her dead as soon as possible, meaning leave now so you can take care of it by the end of this week"
"Yes father" Draco muttered meekly.
Draco sat down and wrote a letter to Hermione.
Dear Hermione,
I know that we have not kept in touch and I am sorry. You are probably very busy with the war, but I need to see you. It's quite urgent, please let me know when and where I can meet you as soon as you possibly can.
Truly,
Draco
He tied it to the leg of his owl and sent it off, "Don't come back here without her response." he instructed as the owl flew out of the window into the late afternoon sky.
Hermione had been discussing tactics with Harry when an owl that she recognized flew through the window and perched on the arm of her chair. She drew in her breath sharply as she took the letter from its' leg.
"Mione, are you alright?" Harry asked, noticing her reaction to the owl.
"Yeah Harry, I'm fine" She said as she smiled at him. She then unfolded the letter and read it. Harry thought he noticed a tear in her eye,"Are you sure you're ok?"
"I'm fine Harry,...um...can I be alone for awhile? I will think about it and get back to you on how to set up our new defense tactics."
"Alright Hermione" Harry said as he got up and left the room.
Hermione re-read the letter in her hands, took out some parchment and wrote out a response to Draco's letter.
Draco,
It's good to hear from you after all this time. I hope your ok? I will meet you at "our spot" at midnight tomorrow (well I guess tonight if you don't get this until tomorrow). Apparate by the tree and I will be waiting.
For now,
Hermione
She read what she had written, tied it to the leg of Draco's owl and sent it off into the night.
"Well Draco, that was definitely a surprise" Hermione whispered to the empty room,
The next evening
Draco was getting last minute instructions from his father.
"Son just do it and get it over with, and then just get rid of her body. Try to make sure no one is around, it is so much easier that way."
"Yes father" Draco thought he sounded like a broken record the way he always responded to his father, but whatever kept Lucius happy, kept everyone else happy so he didn't bother thinking of any smart-ass replies.
Draco apparated to their spot and saw her at once. She was more beautiful than ever and all of his old feelings came rushing back. He had never stopped loving her but seeing her now, in person after several months the feeling was overwhelming.
"Hermione"
Hermione turned around and saw Draco standing there by the tree. If possible, he was more handsome than ever, the few months away from him made her appreciate his good looks even more.
"Draco"
"Mione, thanks for meeting me"
"It's no problem, it's nice to get out of the house...and I haven't been here in ages. I forgot how beautiful it was"
"Yeah,", Draco agreed quietly, "listen, Hermione there's something important I'm supposed to do"
"What is it?"
"Well I really shouldn't tell you, but I just can't take this anymore. I was sent here to kill you. You know too much about Voldemorts where-abouts and his plans for the next attacks. I am supposed to do this for my father, I don't know why he wanted me to do it, but he does."
Hermione was standing there gaping at Draco feeling quite terrified, "But Draco...you can't...I mean...would you really do that?...I ...It's just..."
"Hermione don't worry. There's no way I could do that. You're the only one I've ever loved. I still do. Mione I'm sorry, I'll just go, but you need to lie low for awhile, let people think your dead at least"
"Thank you Draco" Hermione walked over to the only man she had ever though of spending her life with and looked up into his beautiful silvery-blue eyes and in an instant Draco had swept her up into a passionate, yet innocent kiss, that said everything they wanted to say but couldn't find the words for.
At this instant a loud crack resounded from near the tree and they turned to see Lucius standing there looking furious. "I knew you couldn't handle it boy!! How dare you let a mudblood like that even live, let alone kiss her! You blood-traitor! You shall pay for this...after I take care of her." Lucius drew his wand out and pointed it at Hermione. "Avad-"
"Noooo!" Draco yelled and dove at his father, knocking him to the ground. The 2 wizards rolled over and sprung to their feet, wands drawn, ready to strike each other. But before Draco even had a chance to cast a spell Lucius had bellowed a spell Hermione had never heard before, and Draco slumped to the grass, as if he had suddenly fainted. Hermione took this moment to point her wand at Lucius and before he knew what had happened, Hermione yelled "Stupefy" and Lucius was completely out of it. Hermione ran over to Draco, "No!! Draco, please come back! I'm so sorry...please Draco, be alright" Sobs racking her body, Hermione took hold of Draco's hand and apparated back to her house.
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
When Hermione had apparated right into the kitchen of the house she shared with Ron and Harry, the two wizards jumped up and rushed her and Draco to St. Mungo's. Hermione of course was fine just emotionally rattled. The medi-witches and wizards, however, were unsure of Draco's condition. They had never seen anything like it before, and did not know how to treat him.
Hermione spent her days by Draco's bed encouraging him to get well soon, she knew he would, cause he was strong and she needed him to be alright.
If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine
'Cos I tried
but I had to draw the line
and still this question keeps on spinning in my mind
Present Day
Hermione thought about that week spent in the hospital waiting on Draco to get better. Lucius had been brought in from the hillside and was locked into Azkaban that week, Harry and Ron had gone on to win a major battle against Voldemort, and Hermione was in a hospital room, trying to be strong for the man that had saved her life.
Looking back on it, she had never realized that Draco had indeed made a huge sacrifice that day when he came to see her with no intentions of harming her. She then began to wonder if he really had wanted to join the dark side or if he did so out of pressure, and the fact that he had no one else to turn to or nowhere to go. This thought made Hermione feel extremely guilty. "What if I hadn't' broken it off like I did? What if he only went bak because he had no other choice. It's all my fault" she thought despairingly.
Hermione then looked down at the smooth, polished rock beside her,
Draco Malfoy
Dec. 15, 1990 - September 4, 2008
it read.
"Draco," she said out loud, "I am so sorry, I love you...I never stopped. I wish you were here with me right now. I wish we could have seen what our lives would have been like together. Now we will never know and I feel horrible. I know that you are in a better place now, but I wish you were here.". Suddenly there was a light wind that blew around her and that seemed to caress her face as she lifted her head up towards the sky. "Thanks, Draco", she whispered to the wind, "I needed that".
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
Hat if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know