A/N: (accidentally stumbles in the FMA fandom and looks around) Oh, this isn't Yu-Gi-Oh…but since I'm here, I think I'll write a fic! (Sees Ed) EDWARD-KUN!

Ed: What? Another fan girl? (sighs) When will it end?

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or anything else. This applies throughout all chapters. And if I did…well, FMA would be screwed.

Warnings: AU, some OOC-ness, Insanity…shonen-ai…a romantic comedy…which is a good thing since romantic comedies are my specialty…xD

Drive Me Crazy

Chapter 1: Ed Hates Envy…Right?

Today was just not a happy day in the life of Edward Elric.

He was failing the classes of art and computer applications. Ed could understand the importance of computers, (although he did not just get how one worked, what WAS Microsoft anyway?), but ART! It wasn't his fault that he couldn't draw to save his life. And apparently, art was an important subject. If he failed art for the entire year, he would have to take it over…in summer school.

And Ed did not have time for summer school. Especially for art.

He was a freaking prodigy in everything else, didn't that count for SOMETHING?

On top of his failing classes, there was his family. There was only the three of them. His mother was sick. She had been ill for awhile and no doctor could find out what was wrong with her. So she was home all the time, in bed. His younger brother Al was optimistic and always tried to put a smile on everyone's face. Edward's father left the family with no explanation at all and ever since, Ed hated him. That Bastard…

Because of The Bastard, he had to get a job. That was where fate decided to be cruel to him. It was hard to find a job because he was so young and…they all thought he was twelve…or younger. Ed had to sort THOSE people out with shouts of, "I'M SIXTEEN DAMNIT!" Finally, there was a café. A cute little café where girls dressed up in somewhat…revealing black and white maid outfits. It was Ed's last choice, but he was desperate. The boss decided to hire him too, but…he had to wear the uniform and impersonate a female. "It's our little tradition," the perverted man chuckled and Ed decided to do it anyway. The money The Bastard left couldn't support their family forever. The doctor bill was always rising. And so, being a waitress at the little café had been Ed's deepest, darkest secret. The only people who knew were his mother, brother, and Winry.

Because Winry had known him for a long time and she also worked there.

Ed wanted nothing more than to go home and cuddle up in his frail mother's arms and fall into a secure slumber, but right after school, Ed had work to do. Which was why, at the moment, his long, golden-blonde hair was down and he wore a scandalously short maid outfit, complete with the black high heels and little hat-thingy. Ed hated the hat-thingy.

"Ed, are you okay? You're looking more pissed off than usual," Winry commented, standing next to him. "Why wouldn't I be pissed off Winry? I'm about to go to freakin' summer school for a FUCKING ART CLASS!" The blonde teenage girl promptly pulled out a wrench and gave a good wack to Ed's head, "Grow up and take some art lessons or something. In fact, I'll teach you! And then I can teach you all about computers!" Her gaze turned glassy as she rambled on about the wonders of technology. Winry was a mechanical-techno geek extraordinaire. Ed moved away before he could be pummeled with more random wrenches.

"Hey blondie…yeah, you, the short one, I've been waiting for five seconds, I'm getting impatient!"

Ed twitched. Someone DID NOT just call him short.

"Hellloo, pipsqueak, I don't have all day!"

Oh yeah, someone did. Ed cracked his knuckles and turned around, going off on the person had just called him short twice, "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO TINY THAT WHEN I HAVE TO GET ORDERS I HAVE TO CLIMB A HUGE LADDER IN ORDER TO GET TO THE TOP OF THE TABLE TO HEAR THAT PERSON SPEAKING! AND YOU SAID IT SIX TIMES!" (A/N: I like making him exaggerate xD)

Ed promptly stopped and blinked. The other person blinked as well before giving a small, slow smirk, "Why…o'chibi-san, it that you?" Ed twitched again. He started to speak, in a pitchy, falsetto voice, "I do not know this person you speak of…have a nice day!" Then he ran to the back, where Envy-no-one-knows-his-last-name could not sexually harass him.

Flashback

It was the first day of art class on the first day of sophomore year for Edward Elric. His day was going well enough, even though he was not too keen on the idea of drawing and painting pretty pictures. In his opinion, art was for preschool kids and nothing more. He sat where the back tables were and whistled silently to himself. Winry sat next to him, talking about how fun it was that they were in class together and something else about a computer thingamajig.

That was when his first-ever serious crush had walked through the door.

She had brown skin that reminded him of the lightest chocolates and dark brown hair with surprising pink bangs. Her face held a friendly, open look, with a lovely smile to match. She scanned the room around once with her deep purple eyes. Gold met violet and then she went and sat next to the other side of Ed. Ed was about to introduce himself when Winry's shout blocked out his own voice. He fell out of his chair and hit the floor.

"Oh my God! Rose Thomas, is that you? Your hair grew! And it's not black anymore, did you dye it? It looks so cute! You look so cute! I haven't seen you in forever!" Then Winry started using a series of hand signs. Rose and Winry made these signs at neck-breaking speeds before getting into a girl-friend-filled hug.

"Why are you guys doing sign language? Is it some kind of code?" Ed asked, bewildered and also a bit irritated at Winry for not even introducing him and for knocking him to the ground. Winry gave a sigh, "Edward…Rose can't talk…okay? Oh, by the way, this is Ed…but he's so small, it's not important…"

"WHO'S THE ULTRA-SMALL BEAN IN A CAN!"

"You," the girl replied. Then she started to run for her life as a heated Ed chased after her, swearing phrases of death. Rose watched, before giving a huge smile. Her eyes danced with laughter. Ed went back to his seat after successfully hitting Winry with a pack of markers. Rose took out a small red book and wrote in neat cursive: "Nice to meet you Edward, you're very funny." Ed looked back up at her at said, "That's good because I think you have a nice smile." Both started to grin at each other, but their moment was ruined when someone else entered the classroom. It was almost as if their light filled music was ended with an ear-splitting record scratch.

By kicking the whole door down for no apparent reason.

The teen had long, black hair that was styled in long, wispy strands. He wore all black, with a headband that had an odd symbol on it. There was a wicked gleam in his light purple feline eyes, and a smirk on a pale face. He studied the door on the floor before saying, "Ooops…maybe I shouldn't have kicked it so hard. Oh well." He scanned the class before announcing, "This looks like a shitty-ass class. Why the hell am I in art anyway? I'm gonna kill the fucker who put me in this class…"

The teacher, who was a short, old woman, came through the door and gasped. "No foul language shall be used in here. Mrs. Honeycomb will not tolerate that! And who…just who broke down my door? Mrs. Honeycomb is upset!" The pale teen rolled his eyes, (he would have been mistaken for female if it had not been for his clothing), "And why are you referring to yourself in the third person, Mrs. Honeyfuck?" The more immature students of the class bursted into laughter. Ed couldn't believe the rudeness. Just who did this guy think he was anyway? "What a jerk," Winry murmured, with Rose nodding in agreement. "What is your name young man?" Mrs. Honeycomb asked, her voice shaking with anger…or was it fear?

"My crackhead mom named me Envy. She really is a crackhead you know…as for a last name, I don't got one…" More laughter came and the one called Envy sat at Ed's little table.

That was when hell began.

Envy studied the faces at the table, before his eyes landed on Ed. A psychotic-happy smile made its way on his face, "Why o'chibi-san, you are just adorable! You'll be my new best friend since the other one still isn't out of the hospital…"

Before Ed could spit out a loud rebuttal about his height, Envy leaned over the table and kissed him firmly on the lips, right in front of his crush.

That was how Ed first met Envy.

End Flashback

Ever since that day, all Envy did was touch him and lick him, and basically molest him any chance his got. This was why half the kids in school thought that he was gay and actually dated the nutcase. But Ed learned a few things about Envy: 1) He was psycho, 2)He likes being psycho-happy and carries weapons with him all the time, 3) Call him ugly…and you die, and number four, the most important, 4)ENVY IS BIPOLAR! BEWARE HIS MOOD-SWINGS!

Ed ran so fast that he did not notice that he was in his boss' office until he heard his boss' voice purr, "I see you're finally coming my way…" For that, Roy Mustang received a swift kick to the face. "Shut the hell up pedophile." "And please explain to me why you're back here? I don't pay you to flirt with me…" Ed gave this boss the middle finger before saying, "There's another pervert out there after me…why in the hell do I attract all the weirdos?" Mustang wrapped his arms around Ed, "Because you're so cute in that unfo…"

Roy Mustang revived a swift, hard kick in the balls. Needless to say, he fell down on the ground, groaning in pain. "Piss off freak," he growled. The door opened and Winry peeked her blonde head in, "Ed, can you tell your boyfriend to stop terrorizing the customers…he wants to see you…" Ed sighed. Today was so not his day.

XXX

Envy wanted to see his Edo-kun, and it made him…upset when the chibi ran away from him, as if he was some type of disease. He had already knocked down five tables, and there were more to go. He was about to flip the six one over when… "ENVY! What in the hell are you doing!" Envy flipped the table over anyway before running up to Ed and grasping him in a hug, "O'chibi-san, there you are! You look so sexy in that dress, you should cross-dress more often!" Ed growled, "Stop touching me you psycho…and why is your hair green?"

Envy let Ed go, "Oh, I just dyed it. I decided to go with the whole 'sin' thing. You know what they say, 'Green with Envy?'" You're like a Walking Human Sin! Ed thought bitterly. "You look like a palm tree." An evil grin adorned Envy's face, "Really? Is that what you think…o'chibi-san?" Ed knew Envy had switched moods and was about to move farther back when the green-haired sin grabbed him by the shoulders and shoved him back against the nearest wall. His skull made contact with the wall in a painful way.

"I've been patient, o'chibi, but it annoys me when you don't show respect…" Ed snorted, "You're not my parent and stop calling me a chibi DAMNIT!" Ed gained the strength to latch onto both of Envy's bare arms and shoved him to the floor. Envy smiled and pushed his foot on both of Ed's legs, causing the blonde to fall right on top of him. Envy wrapped his arms around the blonde and pushed his body into his, causing Ed to involuntarily blush. "Behave chibi, or I'll let EVERYONE know you about your little after school activity. We wouldn't want them to think you're gay and a drag queen, eh?"

"You son of a bitch…" Envy tsk-ed, "Behave o'chibi…now…gimme a kiss." With disgust, Ed got off of Envy, who went into a fit of laughter. His fingers slid toward Ed's skirt, "I wonder what's under there…" Ed slapped it away, "Why won't you leave me alone? You're driving me crazy…!"

Envy's facial expression became suddenly serious, "Because I'm in love with you Edward."

"WHAT!"

"Well," Envy corrected, "more like in lust with you. That should be the new phrase. I'm in lust with you. Well, I have drugs to shoot up and people to beat up, I'll catch ya tomorrow o'chibi!" With a surprise, chaste kiss on Ed's lips, the green-haired left the café, cackling wildly. Ed spat on the floor, "THAT'S GROSS YOU SICK FUCK! YUCK! WHAT IN THE HELL!"

"What in the hell is correct. My little café is a mess and I want it all cleaned before you leave tonight. Got it?" Ed stood and glared at Mustang, "What? I have homework to do and…"

"End of discussion. Get to work…shorty."

After being beaten unconscious with a broom, Winry tended to her boss. Edward needed to learn how to control his horrible temper…

XXX

Alphonse Elric looked at the clock. It was 1:23 in the morning and his brother still was not back from work. He sighed and decided that he would go to bed, after he gave his mother her medication…

1: 53 am…

As soon as he was home, Ed took off his ridiculous uniform and checked on his mother.

She was resting peacefully in bed, her long chestnut-brown hair in a halo around her. Ed closed her door before checking on Al, who was fast asleep. "Night bro," he whispered before closing his door.

Ed finally retreated to his own room and fell into his own bed. He was too tired to even do homework. So instead, he allowed thoughts of Rose to float through his mind. Rose smiling, Rose in a field of roses…Envy nude…

ENVY NUDE!

Ed quickly allowed the idea to burn and crash. Rose and Ed kissing in the field of roses…

That was much better.

XXX

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Zana: There, first chapter done! Wow…I didn't expect it to end that way. Oh well, I want Envy's character to be screwed up because he's so much cuter that way! And even though this is and EdxEnvy story, I rather like EdxRose than EdXWinry. Coming next chapter: Ed and Rose developments? Envy's never-ending Envy-ish-ness, WRATH! (Just cause I love him!), MORE ED IN THE MAID OUTFIT, MORE ROY, and more confusion! Let the games begin!

Ed: Why couldn't you stay in the Yu-Gi-Oh fandom?

Zana: Silence…o'chibi…

Ed: WHAT! WHO'S A REDUCED SUPER-SIZE MEAL AT McDONALD'S!

Envy:…..WTF?

Zana: Exactly…

Al: Please R&R, it would make her happy and make her continue! I mean, don't you want to see this face? (smiles)

Wrath: (shoves Al on the floor) They all want me…. (poses)

Ja ne!