Hello my lovelies! It has been some time, but Killer Rabbit is alive and well, now at uni and suffering. There! I promised a new story, and here it is. Just so you know, this is a complete and utter parody, which has probably been done, but whatever, I'm in it for the lolz It is not explicitly a crossover fic, but if various characters make their way in there that do not belong, well, the more sparklepires the merrier!
Warnings: Ye be warned, if ye be twi-fans, this is probably not for you; I get strength from the fun I have at poking Twilight, and this will (definitely) get offensive to some/most. I make no apologies for this, as it's all in good fun.
Disclaimer: Damn you, Meyer, and your stupid book that turns me into a raving bitch!
I've never really given much thought to how I will die. I mean, not, like, heaps and heaps of thought into it. I've thought about it on occasion, you know, at night time and on the train and sometimes during class and often during gym and when I'm eating and sometimes when I'm on the can. You know, the normal amount.
And as I stare without breathing across the long hallway with the mirrors that are really big and imposing into the dark eyes of the predator, he smiles at me, really nicely, but not that nicely, because he's plain and not that sexy, which makes him EVIL!
And I know I'm going to die; my heart is racing, it's because of the adrenalin caused by fear, because dying is scary and stuff. And it's really noble and heroic for me to die because I'm saving some really sexy ass that I love heaps and heaps. That ought to count for something, you hear me God!
I knew going to Forks is a bad idea, but its okay, because if I didn't I wouldn't be here now, about to get killed. When life offers you a lemon, you smile politely and say 'Thanks' and pretend to go off to make lemonade then discreetly chuck it when life isn't looking, because apparently it's really weird to suck on the lemon, which Mom says is rude, and why does life give you lemons anyway? I'm so glad I got good stuff instead.
The hunter smiles in a friendly way that makes me think, 'Gee, what a friendly smile' as he swaggers forward to kill me… Gasp! Staring in fear and not breathing is really hard!
A/N And that, my dears, is the preface to a long and hard series that – God willing – I may actually get through. Please please review, I take requests! Flames are welcome, but I warn you, criticisms will release the jooji-wench upon you, and Hell Hath No Wrath and stuff! By the way, yes, this was very painful to write, because using purple prose and ignoring grammar and good narration and basically all rules in Writing is a Sin! Mary Sues are nauseating on their own, but Meyer is an a-grade fanfic writer gone global; next thing you know she'll be writing mpregs!