George O'Malley is loving, kind, courageous, and smart. He possessed all the traits, morals and characteristics that any parent dreams of their child having. He never disappointed or failed in my eyes. Although a repeater he shined through the most as a doctor and person. He never gave up.
I am seen as the toughest, the strongest, and unbreakable, but the loss of one of my babies has broken down those walls to mere pebbles. I wish the breaching of these barriers were under different circumstances. Circumstances like when George softened his way into my heart, when he became my family.
Many people believe I only have one child. On paper it legally states that, but my heart and mind know better. I have six.
My first set of five interns managed to nestle their ways into different chambers of my heart.
I taught them all I knew about medicine, life, and during that journey they taught me as well.
When little Tucker joined our family, it was George who talked me through it. It was George who comforted and supported me. I was and still am eternally grateful, and will never forget it. I was so impressed, and thankful I did the honor and gave Tucker the middle name George. This was just one of many loving things he offered me.
He was aware of my marriage falling apart. He pulled me through my life as a separated wife. He offered and enjoyed baby sitting little Tucker, giving me and my husband much needed time to make amends. Now as I begin the difficult journey as a divorcée, there will be no George to offer comforting words or hugs. There will be no George to put me back on track. He is gone forever.
An incalculable amount of tears are being released from my eyes, creating vast warm streams down my cheeks. Frantic and broken sobs form in my throat and flee uncontrollably from my mouth. My brain understands all the facts, the reality and has accepted the tragedy at hand. It's my heart that is having all the trouble. My heart is enduring all the pain. Broken, wrenched, twisted, torn, punctured, everything, all the deformations the heart can feel physically and emotionally are being felt. This is what is happening to me, this is what I feel as I stay firmly slumped against one of the hospital's bathroom doors.
I begin to hate myself for the slew of disappointing words I last shared with George and his decision to enlist in the military. I try and tell myself I was just being a protective mother, but I cannot shake the hate. I am disappointed in myself for not expression to O'Malley all that I felt, all that I loved about him every single day. I lost sight of the fact that life is unpredictable. One day you are here and the next day you are gone. It is George's death that will never let me forget those things. With four babies remaining, I enter the bathroom fully and do my best to comfort in ways I've only learned from George O'Malley.