I Don't Love You… I Think…
Rating: TPairing: SellieSummary: What really happens when Ellie see's Sean again? Well, the second time, we all know what happens the first time. Will she change her mind about the boy she once loved, or will she push him away to keep herself from possible heartbreak.
Ellie's POV
I ran. Right after that familiar feeling of his lips on mine, though it was more desperate than any of the other times he had kissed me. I couldn't stand the idea of him as torn up as I was. I ran as far as I could, to the park, home, anywhere as long as Sean was far behind me. I couldn't stand looking at him. I'd give in, I knew I would. I'd swoon, fall into that security I had had before he told Jay, Emma, and me to leave him behind in Wasaga. I didn't want to leave without him, but there was no changing his mind. Not even with those three words that meant everything to me. "I love you," I had said to him. I saw the hurt in his eyes as tears swam in my own as the words escaped me… And now that he was back, it was only a matter of time before those words came back up, like word vomit. My head was already reeling with these thoughts. The thoughts of the past. I couldn't stand it much longer. I snapped a rubber band against my wrist twice, hoping to relieve the feeling for at least a moment. I sat down on a bench when I reached the park, where I snapped a rubber band against my wrist yet again. I kept thinking about Sean. About his smile, the way that no matter what was going on, as long as I was in his arms, I was safe. That was the real feeling I longed for, but I was still so pissed off at him. I was so mad at the person I loved that I pushed him away. I would have to face him eventually, but now wasn't the time. I don't love him… I don't think I love him, anyways.
But it didn't matter. I felt a presence next to me. I wasn't sure who it really was until I turned my head. Sean was sitting next to me. I was still teary, ready to cry if I really had to, which seemed extremely likely. "El. Come on, El. Talk to me, please. I know you're pissed. You have every right to be extremely pissed off at me. But please, just talk to me. I still love you, you know. And no matter what, I'll always be there for you," Sean said in his usual, calming voice, turning his body to me.
I shook my head, tears falling down my cheeks. "I shouldn't love you," I said, sobs coming out behind every word. "I can't love you," I said, looking down. Anywhere but at him. "But I do… I'm almost positive I do. I've tried to stop, I've tried everything I could think of. I don't know how to get you out of my head. But no matter what I do, no matter what I try, you are the only thing that matters to me. And you have no idea how much it hurts," I choked out. Those few tears had turned to streams, eyeliner and mascara mixed in with those tears streaked down my cheek, leaving black marks down my face. I couldn't hold them back any longer.
"Oh, Ellie… I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you like this. I really didn't. Jesus. I know how you feel. Do you really think that it was easy for me? I wanted to call, I wanted to write, to do something to show you I still cared, but I just couldn't do it. I knew that if I heard your voice, if I got a letter back with the words 'Love, Ellie,' or any letter from you at all, I'd be on the next bus headed right back here. I needed to get my life in order. It was hard. I wanted to come back and hold you so bad. You are what matters to me. And I'm just begging for a second chance. I know that you love me, and I hope to God you know how much I love you," Sean told me, putting an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close like he used to do.
"I-I… Yes. Just by what you just said, you deserve a second chance. But you have to promise me something," I said, breathing gently again, trying my hardest to calm down.
"I promise I will never leave you again," Sean told me, like he had read my mind. "I love you too much. My heart would ache as much as yours," he finished.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, squeezing tight. "I love you," I whispered gently.
"I love you, too, Ellie," he said, kissing my forehead gently. I tucked my head into his chest and continued to cry. I just couldn't stop. But he didn't call me weak or leave or say anything. He just stroked my hair and let me cry. It felt so good just to cry and yet still feel protected. I couldn't help letting go for at least a few minutes. I had never cried in front of anyone before. I needed this, I needed it so bad. When I had finally run out of tears and the sobs subsided, I looked up at his calm face. I stretched my neck up to kiss him gently, like I used to all the time.
He kissed me back, moving a hand to my cheek, wiping away the few lingering tears. He pulled away an inch or so and just looked deep into my eyes. "I love you, Ellie. And it's getting late. I should get you home. Are you still living in the apartment?" he asked.
I shook my head. "No, I had to move back in with my mom. She's been sober for a while now, something like 4 months, I think," I told him, almost proudly.
Sean smiled down at me as he stood up, dragging me along with him. "Well, how would you like to hang out at my new apartment tonight, just the two of us," he asked. I looked up at him. I knew he knew that he definitely wasn't getting laid tonight, but a night alone with him, to catch up, to be safe. I think I could handle that. I'd just call my mom and tell her that I was going to Ashley's or something like that. Anything I had to do to stay out with Sean tonight.
"I say yes." I laughed lightly and stood on tiptoes, kissing him again, feeling his arm squeeze me close. It was the kind of embrace that screamed "I'm never letting you go again," and it couldn't have made me feel any better than it did. I couldn't stand being away from him, no matter how badly I had lied to myself before. Now I understood why I couldn't have rejected him, no matter how hard I might have tried. With that thought, I pulled away gently. "Well, come on. You still have to show me where this amazing apartment is, remember?" Sean chuckled, letting me go for the most part, but he laced his fingers into mine as he led me out of the park and back towards that café where I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life only hours ago. And now, that mistake was fixed and I could be happy, truly happy, again.
Ok, so that was my second Degrassi fiction. Tell me what you think. R&R as always. If I get requests, I will gladly continue with this story. Also, if you like this story, try my other Degrassi fanfiction, "Just the Girl Next Door." Thank you as always.