I Promise

by candi711

Amanda has never been one to make promises, she had been lied to too many times to push that sort of thing onto someone else. When a coworker is in trouble, however, she makes a promise she would never go back on.

A/N: This is an idea that popped into my head today and it didn't want to leave. I have been so stressed with my studies that I haven't had much time to be on this site recently. This is my little break haha :) Also, I have decided to write this in the first person. I have never done this before so I hope it doesn't ruin this story, I just wanted to try something a little different.

Trigger warning: talk of sexual harassment and rape

I walk quickly into the elevator as I look at my watch, I am running twenty-five minutes late. "Dammit," I mutter in frustration because the elevator seems to be going slower than usual "why can't things ever go my way" I sighed as I run my fingers through my hair, trying, in a poor attempt, to smooth down some of the tangled strands I missed during my hasty retreat from my apartment this morning.

The elevator doors open with a ding and I rush out in a deceptively calm stride. One of the many things I have learned in my life is that if you're trying to get away with something you need to act like that something is nothing. "Rollins, you're late" I hear a voice say the moment I reached my desk. All hope of sneaking in is destroyed.

"Sorry Lieu," I placed my bag on my cluttered desk before facing my boss "my sitter had a family emergency and I needed to find a place for Jesse," I said truthfully, well partially true. My sitter did have a family emergency, but I had known that since yesterday and had already planned for my neighbor to watch Jesse. What really kept me was my exhaustion. We have been so busy the last few weeks, case after case of victims and their trials. It doesn't help that Carisi has been slacking off during these weeks. I'm not mad at him, his dad passed away two months ago and it has taken a toll on him. I just don't know how much longer I can cover for him before anyone else start to notice.

"Alright, if you need Lucy to picker her up and watch her for the day just ask" Olivia offered kindly.

I smile at the gesture, Olivia and I may have gotten off on the wrong foot when I first came to SVU but, ever since I had Jesse, we seem to be getting along much better, almost to the point of friendship.

"It's alright, but thanks for the offer" I respond as I sit down and start up my computer "did I miss anything?" I asked. I would much rather talk about work than have a personal conversation at this moment.

"No" Olivia answered quickly, a slight smile on her face "for once, no new cases have come in yet, let's not waste this opportunity. I want you to catch up on those DD5s you owe me"

"Copy that" I was able to hide my annoyance at this command. I was working on paperwork late last night, in fact, I fell asleep doing it. I was surprised that I didn't have a nightmare about drowning in forms and files.

"Look who finally decided to show for work" a teasing voice came from behind me. I turned around but did not see anything; however, when I turned back I found a fresh cup of coffee placed on my desk with my smiling partner standing above me. "I thought those late nights of partying would come to an end after the baby came, why you so tired Manda?" Fin asked jokingly, but with a slight hint of concern in his voice. I love Fin because of his ability to care about me without being so upfront about his concern. He doesn't treat me like a delicate damsel, he treats me like a cop, unlike how the boys club in Atlanta did.

"You know, I have learned that once you have a baby a whole new set of reasons can keep you up at night. But, do you really want to know the true, horrid, intricacies of it all?" I ask in an innocent but sarcastic voice. I grab the coffee he so generously gave me and sip it as he walks over to his own desk.

I see him roll his eyes and I couldn't help but smile "yeah right, you were probably just watching your trashy reality shows and lost track of time" he sat down at his desk and quickly reclined his chair "but at least you're here. Carisi is a no-show still"

I looked around the room and noticed that Carisi was indeed absent. "He's not here?" I ask even though I could see for myself the truth

"Nope" Fin said simply as he sipped his own coffee "I would have thought he would have been here bright and early since last night Barba took him to that dinner party at city hall to rub shoulder with the DA. I would imagine he would have been talking up a storm about it by now, but hey he's probably hung over" he chuckled to himself "you know how those lawyers like to throw back the liquor"

I laughed at Fin's joke, but I also couldn't help but get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Carisi should be here. Fin was right. Normally, he would be bouncing off the walls telling me every boring detail about the party, how he was going to be a shoo-in for a position at the DA's office, or something like that. This, though, him not being here, was concerning.

I decided to push down my trepidation and focus on my work instead. It wasn't long until we got a call from our missing co-worker revealing that he was sick and wouldn't be in today. Fin laughed at that excuse, "sick, I bet he's hung over. Man needs to learn to hold his liquor better or not drink at all. A poor excuse for an Italian I say"

I didn't buy it though. Carisi takes his prospects in law seriously, no matter how many times I tell him that being a cop suits him more. He would never drink that much at such an important event. No, something was wrong. Something was very wrong, and I was going to find out.

The rest of the day dragged on. The tedious nature of paperwork felt deflating, dragging every second out into minutes. It also didn't help that I was running off of only ten hours of sleep from the last three days. I can't keep this pace up, I can't keep covering for Carisi. If this is all stemming from his dad's death, he's going to have to tell Liv, or at least go to therapy or something.

When the time came for me to leave, I gathered my belongings and headed for Carisi's place. My neighbor was kind enough to watch Jesse for another two hours, so I figure I have that long to help Carisi pick himself back up.

It took me less time to arrive at his building than I thought it would. Honestly, I don't know what I am going to say to him. 'I'm sorry that your dad died, but you need to get over it'. I may not be the most sensitive person when it comes to family matters, but I am not heartless.

All these thoughts going through my mind stop when I find myself at his door. "Okay, come on, he would do the same for you" I find myself saying right before I take a deep breath and knock loudly on the door. "Carisi?" I say after "It's Amanda, can you open the door?" Several seconds pass and I was about to knock again until I heard rustling coming from inside. "I'm not leaving until you open up, okay"

The door seemed to have listened to my words because it begins to crack open but then stops. I tilt my head around to peer into the small sliver of open space between the door frame. "What do you want, Amanda?" I hear him croak out from the other side. The room within was dark and made it hard to see his face.

"I'm here to check up on you" I answer simply, putting my hand on the door so he could not close it on me.

"I called in sick, you didn't need to check up on me. A phone call, or better yet, a text would have worked just as well" his voice sounded raw, it lacked the usual bright energy I secretly enjoyed.

"Well, a phone call and a text can be ignored and I had a feeling that we should talk in person" I look down the hallway when I saw a person peer their head out of their apartment door "can I come in and talk?" I ask, and for a moment I thought he was going to shut me out but then I heard him sigh and open the door wider so I could enter.

"The place is a mess," he said as he walked further into his home. He had turned quickly so I was unable to see his face, but I could tell that he did that on purpose. "I'm just going to put on a shirt" he added as he disappeared into his room. He was only wearing pajama pants when he opened the door.

I took a second to look around, and he was right. I could tell this place really was a mess, even in the dark. Usually when he said that, I would only see a book or two out of place with a few dishes in the sink. But now, there were clothes scattered everywhere. Dishes looked like they haven't been done in days, and takeout and pizza boxes piled up on the counter. He was doing worse than I had first thought.

"So, here I am" I heard Carisi say as he stepped out from his room "all checked up on, right" he lifted his arms up slightly and spun slowly "nothing to worry about, nothing that another night alone won't fix" he added as a not so subtle indicator that he wanted to be left alone.

"Look, I am sorry for coming unannounced, but I'm worried about you," I say honestly as I walk to the wall and turn on the light. With the new light, I could better see the distress written cross his face and my bad feeling only deepens. Now suddenly, I feel as if both Fin and I were wrong. "Actually, I've been worried about you for the past few weeks. At first, I thought this had something to do with your dad's death, but…" I take a breath and look around then look right back at the man I have worked with very closely for the last four years "this is something else. Something is bothering you" I say plainly, not really knowing what that something was.

"Amanda" he began as he wiped his face tiredly with both hands. I could tell that he was frustrated at my intrusion into his life "I appreciate this, I really do. But it's none of your business, what's going on in my life is my own stuff, so please stay out of it" it did not escape my notice that his tone became firmer as he spoke.

I nodded my head several times as I looked down to the side. He was pushing me away, it's what I would have done in his position, so I couldn't blame him. That didn't, however, stop my own frustration from growing. "Not my business" I repeated in a soft tone "well it becomes my business when I have to pick up your slack at the precinct. Why do you think you haven't been pulled into the office by Liv yet about your paperwork? She hasn't been giving you slack. I've been doing your job and mine." My voice is raised, and I know this is not how I planned on this going but I couldn't help myself. If he thinks that he lives in an isolated world where his actions do not affect others, he's wrong, and I have no qualm over enlightening him on that fact.

"I never asked you to do any of that" he responds, I could tell that he was stunned at my actions. He really didn't know that I was covering for him.

"You didn't have to, Sonny, I'm your partner. I have your back like I know you have mine" my voice is softer now. "You've helped me more than I can ever repay you for with Jesse, and I know that something is seriously wrong right now. I just want to help you, like you would help me"

I could see his face fall as I spoke; my words were getting through to him. "You can't help me" his voice is weak, and I could see tears gather in his eyes "no one can help me" a sob breaks through his thin visage as he leans back against his wall and slides to the floor. Both of his hands go to cover his face.

Instantly I was by his side, kneeling down. "Hey, Sonny, it's alright. I can help you. I just need to know what's wrong" I ask gently. I hover my hand over his arm, not sure if I should touch him or not.

"You'll think less of me if I tell you," he said dejectedly

"Nothing you say will make me think less of you, believe me. Whatever it is you think you may have done, I bet I have done worse" I say reassuringly. I believe my own words. Carisi is one of those rare human beings where all of his actions come from some sort of good intention, even his most misguided ones. I lightly place my hand on his arm and start rubbing it in order to convey my support for him.

He shook his head at my words "it's not what I did, it's what someone else is doing" he lets out a shuttered breath "and what I am letting them do"

I instantly stop rubbing his arm out of confusion "you're letting someone else do something wrong?" I question, that doesn't sound like him. Many different scenarios begin to run through my head everything from him being blackmailed to him letting a perp walk for old times sake, none of which sound like something he would actually do. "Is this other person hurting people?"

"As far as I know, it's only one person he's targeting," he said with a sniffle

My heart drops as the words leave his mouth. I hope I am wrong "Is this person hurting you?" he doesn't answer me, but the way his body shivers at my question tells me all that I need to know. "What's their name?" I ask more sternly than I had planned.

At my request, he finally lifts his head "I can't tell you, Amanda, there's nothing you can do"

"The hell there is nothing I can do. I'll go and arrest this person, and if I can't, I'll beat the living crap out of them. No one is going to hurt you and get away with it. No one" I say firmly as I stand and host him up with me and lead him to sit on the couch. I can see the look on his face and he actually seems surprised by the force of my words. If I wasn't so agitated by the news I had just received from him, I would probably be mad at him for his surprise. "Now, what's their name?" I repeat again after I sit down next to him.

"You can't go after him, Amanda, he's too well connected," Carisi says miserably "and I… I don't want to talk about this"

"Just because this guy is well connected, it does not give him the right to hurt you in any way" I sigh, I can see it now. The signs I am trained to see. The distance he has been placing between himself and the rest of us emotionally and physically, the seclusion, the self-blame, the avoidance. "He's harassing you, sexually?" I look at his face and everything I need to know is shown upon it "it's been going on for the last few weeks, hasn't it" I say as a statement and not a question.

He nods his head slowly.

"Son of a bitch" I exclaim as I instantly stand, all of my training from SVU suddenly leaves me. Adrenaline begins coursing through my veins, urging me to do something, to hurt the person who had been hurting Carisi under my nose. I begin to pace the room to expel this sudden burst of energy. "I should have known"

"No, Amanda, there is no way for you to have known," Carisi says as he grabs for my arm to stop me from pacing the room "I didn't let anyone know"

"Why?" I found myself asking before I could stop myself "Why didn't you come to us, come to me? I would have believed you, I would have helped you?"

"I was ashamed," Carisi said honestly, he bit his lip and shook his head slightly "and this guy… he" he sighs "he really does have pull. I didn't want everyone being put in the line of fire because of me"

"Sonny, that's our job. We are trained to run toward danger for strangers, why would you think we would hesitate to help when it was you?" I ask softly as I grabbed his hand with my own and sat next to him again. "Please, tell me what his name is, what he did, so we can go after him"

I can still see the resistance on his face. "You don't understand, Amanda, you've never been put in this position before. You can't know how I am feeling, not personally anyway" he begins to raise his voice as tears begin to fall from his eyes.

I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. He doesn't know. I never truly told anyone about my real interactions with Patton except for Barba, but my testimony was sealed. Carisi, though, he was out of town for a preplanned family engagement. He only got the bare minimum on all the details, only knew that I had worked with Patton in the past, and I wanted him to think only that. I wanted at least one person in the squad to not know, or even be able to guess about it. To never see me like that. "You're wrong" I whisper, almost hoping that he does not hear me.

I can see his expression change instantly to one full of confusion "What?"

My heart drops again, I take a deep breath and this time I speak louder "you're wrong, I have seen this happen before to someone I was very close to in Atlanta" I don't know why I started to explain my story this way. I think it just makes things easier if I don't feel like I'm talking about myself. "And it didn't end well with her just trying to ignore it"

"What happened?" Carisi asked me. I could tell that he was still thinking that it was not the same. That even if I had seen this before that I still couldn't understand what he was feeling, but I could also see his curiosity about my story. I think he wanted to hear about someone in his position, know that he wasn't alone.

"Well, this person, she didn't come from a place with a lot of support. She joined the APD to find a sense of belonging and to help people, and for a time I know that she did. Things were looking great at first for her. She made detective in a few years and was personally taken under the wing of a deputy chief". I could feel myself shiver as the memories I have long kept buried start to return to me.

"Something you have to understand is that APD is not like the NYPD. It was much more of a boy's club, and women were expected to be one of the guys, not be sensitive to comments or gentle touches. Harassment was always there in some degree, but everything changed for her when she began to work for the chief" I could see that he was hanging on my every word, which made me telling this tale only that much more difficult. "I saw it happening right before my eyes, the way the chief would stare at her, the comments he would make to the other officers, but what bothered her the most was their personal meetings. He would get her alone in his office under some pretense and shut the door, the touching, the fondling, it all happened there."

"You said you were close to this person, why did you let it happen then? Why didn't you help her?" he asked suddenly, an untrusting look in his eye

His look was killing me. I could see the disappointment and disapproval. "I didn't know how to help her" I respond to his questions "I wasn't in a position to ask for help or support from anyone to help. But it is because of this mistake that I know what the consequences are about this. Why I will do anything to help you now. You see because, for this woman, things didn't just stop there. They escalated. Her sister got into trouble with the law and the chief used that to his advantage pressuring the young detective into sex. I wish I could have stopped that" I say honestly as the images of that cold and dirty motel room float back into my mind.

"She slept with him? Even though he had been harassing her?" the shock was evident on his face

I took a deep breath because this was the part of the story I had been pushing out of my mind since the moment it had happened. "Well, no not really," I say cryptically "she laid down on the bed and he started pulling at her clothes and kissing her. His hands were wondering… he was just moving too fast for her. She changed her mind but he didn't stop" I took another deep breath, my head began to throb where it had hit the headboard "he slapped her, hit her head against the headboard and pinned her wrists above her head. He threatened her and sad that no one would believe her anyway, so she just gave up"

I could see it all replaying in my head. I could suddenly feel him on me, I could smell his cheap cologne. I wanted to throw up. I found myself so absorbed in my own memory that I didn't even notice Carisi had been calling my name until he grabbed my arm. I jumped at the unexpected contact, but I am unsure if Carisi had noticed "Amanda?" he questioned

"I'm fine" I found myself saying automatically, I wasn't the one who needed to be concerned over. I am here to help him, not get lost in a battle with my own demons "I just… it's hard to tell people this because I should have done better. I should have stopped it all"

"You can't keep thinking about the what ifs," he said reassuringly "what happened to your friend, did the deputy chief get away with everything?"

"My friend, she had to leave, even left the state to get away. Not only was she not safe working in the APD anymore, but the bastard started to tell everyone that she slept with him, liked it rough too. Just in case she was going to report him"

"But isn't sleeping with a subordinate against regulations? Shouldn't he have gotten some sort of command discipline?" he was asking some good questions, and in every other police department the answer should have been yes, but not in Atlanta.

"Like I said, it was a boy's club. The worse thing out of all of this was the fact that he didn't stop after her. He kept on doing things. It all finally caught up with him when he came to New York for the police conference. He raped one of his detectives here and she called him out on it. In the end, he only ended up with his pension and a spot on the sex offender's registry" I said as I thought about the bittersweet ending of that case "my friend though, she blames herself about that detective's rape. If she had only spoken up sooner she may have prevented a lot more suffering"

After I had finished I could see the gears turning in his head "that story… that case. When I was interning under Barba I reviewed the transcripts of a case with a deputy chief Patton from the APD. That's the guy you're talking about, right" I could only nod in confirmation of his conclusion "I heard that case was rough on this department, and you" suddenly his facial features went from sympathy to horror. My heart dropped again as I saw the realization dawn on him. "This friend, this person you were very close to…" he grabbed my hand as if I was going to run at the utterance of his next few words "it's you, isn't it. Your deputy chief raped you and got away with it"

I drop my head for a few seconds afraid to look at him "Yeah" I muttered as my bangs acted as a sort of curtain between us "I ran away from everything and only made it worse, but I am not the same person I was back then. I realized that I did the wrong thing, I hurt for years when he was the one that should have been paying for everything" I look up to make eye contact with Carisi and I can see his eyes have become watery again "so please, listen to me, Sonny, when I say that you can't just pretend that nothing is happening. Do not give this guy the power over you he thinks he has. It's okay to be afraid, I'll be with you. The others, Fin and Liv, you know they will also be with you"

"I… okay" he nods his head gently, I could tell that he was still unsure about this "but it's not going to be easy"

"Things like this never are" I answer him

He lets out a large sigh "It didn't go as far as what happened to you, but… I am afraid that he'll want to take it there. His name is Jason Gorman, and if you think the name sounds familiar you're right, he runs that medical supplies distribution company that always donates to the NYPD"

"So, he has some money, that doesn't give him the right to do anything you don't like," I say still not aware of the full degree his to which harassment has gone

"It's not just the money, Amanda, he has pull. He's the police commissioner's godson and the Manhattan DA's nephew" he practically yells out in frustration. When Carisi had said that the man had pull I did not expect it to be this large. "It doesn't matter if I want to work for the DA's office or stay with the NYPD, he has strings to pull. He can end my career and squash any complaints"

"How did you even come into contact with a guy like that?" I ask quickly out of surprise

"It was not long after my dad's funeral, I went to drop off some files to Barba's office and Gorman was there visiting his uncle. We talked for a bit, I told him who I was and that I wanted to join the DA's office. He seemed nice at first, offered to put a good word in. We even exchanged numbers, I didn't think much of it at the time, thought maybe I made a new friend" Carisi's shoulders dropped.

I wonder if there were any signs of this guy being off when they first met. Carisi is a great detective, but he is also a good-hearted and naïve person. He hadn't been tainted by the world like many of us other cops have been. It was one of the things I loved most about him, and now all I want to do is hurt Gorman for taking that away from him. "When did he start harassing you?"

"Pretty soon after we met he texted me and we met for lunch. Everything started out fine… until he put his hand on my thigh" I could see the blush appear on Carisi's cheeks, I wanted to tell him that he had nothing to be embarrassed about but I didn't want to interrupt his account. "I told him at that moment that I wasn't gay, I apologized if he may have thought otherwise. I thought he had taken it well, but I was wrong. Later that night he sent me dick pics, talking about the things I was missing. I told him to stop, reminded him I worked at SVU, but all he did was threaten my job. I was shocked, I didn't want to come to you guys because I was embarrassed. I didn't want the whole of NYPD knowing my business. So, things just started getting worse. I seemed to bump into him all over the place, the calls and the texts kept on coming. I thought I was handling it all, that I could handle it…" he paused and let out another sigh "until last night"

"Last night, at the party?" I asked, "what did he do?"

"He uh…." Carisi stammered as he looked away from me. I knew that this was hard, I don't blame him for being nervous. After my own assault, I didn't tell a living soul for years.

"Sonny, it's alright," I say gently as I squeeze his hand "I'm not going to judge you, whatever happened, wasn't your fault"

"I went to the bathroom during the party, it was empty. I started to go pee and it seemed out of nowhere Gorman just showed up. He leaned against the wall next to my urinal and watched me. I told him to leave me alone, and I rushed to finish and turn away but before I could he grabbed it" he did not say anything for several seconds. I knew what he was talking about, but I needed him to say it. He needed to say it for his own benefit as well.

"Grabbed it?" I repeated as if I didn't know what he was talking about.

"Yeah, my… my penis, okay, he grabbed it and rubbed it a few times before I could react, but when I did react I reacted hard. I punched him in the face before I hit him again in the gut when he bent over in pain. I yelled at him to never lay his hands on me again. I heard him yelling as I left that I was over, that he would end me" he revealed in a hurried speech "it all happened so fast that I didn't really process it all until I got home. I haven't been able to sleep. It just keeps replaying in my mind" the tears start falling from his face

My heart is breaking for him. The distress he is in is as plain as day. I quickly wrapped him in my arms and gently rocked us both in a soothing manner while my hand rubs circles on his back. I let him cry it out. There was no judgment, there was no shame, only concern for my dear friend.

Several minutes pass before he stops crying "I'm sorry" I hear him mumble from my shoulder

"No, Sonny, I'm sorry," I say as I continue to rub his back, "I noticed you acting differently, I knew something was wrong, but I kept quiet. But I will not stay quiet anymore, I'm going to take Gorman down"

"But he's…" I don't let him finish his thought

"I don't care who he is or what sort of pull he thinks he has. Do you trust me?" I ask him seriously

He seems to be taken aback by my sudden question, but he eventually answers me "yeah, I trust you"

"Good, because I'm bringing him down, I promise you that!"

A/N: Writing in the first person is a lot harder than I thought it would be haha. I hope it wasn't a total waste. Thanks for taking the time to read this story :)