Mallory took the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. Ever have one idea that turns into another, and then another, and then another? This is one of those. Takes place after Visiting Archer.
The Good Grandparent
"Well this has been a productive day!" Mallory shouted as she stormed through the door leading to the kitchen.
"I swear some day I will actually murder Cheryl," Lana admitted as she followed her.
"If you ever do, let me know," Mallory told her. "I want in on that. I have some lovely ideas what to do with her glue sniffing corpse!"
"She does have that talent of ruining any occasion," Lana said. "Good or otherwise. I need to use the bathroom."
"Go ahead I'll get the drinks," Mallory pointed. Lana went to the bathroom.
Mallory kept talking as she got glasses and bottles of alcohol out. "First I have to endure almost an hour of traffic to visit Sterling. I'm not even there twenty minutes before Carol and Pam get me kicked out. Kicked out of my own son's hospital room! Imagine that! My baby boy is lying there in a coma and I'm not even allowed to see him!"
"Then of course I have to endure at least two hours of traffic just to go home because some asshole doesn't know how to change lanes!" Mallory went on. "Of course, he's fine but the car he smashed into rolled over and caught on fire! I hope they throw the book at him!"
"That's what they should to do people who cause traffic accidents! Or better yet, make it legal to sue them! That should be a thing! Suing people who cause traffic accidents and making you wait in traffic jams! Suing people for wasting your time with their carelessness! I should talk to Cyril about that. Maybe that's a thing and I don't know about it."
"It would be one way to make money around here."
"And the cherry of the ice cream sundae of insanity is that I have to see these morons again tonight!" Mallory snapped. "Why the hell did I let Krieger talk me into backing his stupid little play? Ugh…You know tonight is going to be awkward at least."
"Well then why did you give money to Krieger for his damn play?" Lana said as she came back out.
"It wasn't that much and I was desperate okay?" Mallory snapped. "Besides there's a chance that this scheme might actually work."
"There's also a chance that bacon will fall from the sky," Lana said as she went to the coffee machine. "But I wouldn't hold my breath on that."
"How would that work?"
"Plane carrying bacon explodes. Meat gets cooked in explosion and falls to the ground," Lana said as she made coffee. "According to Pam that actually did happen once to one of her relatives."
"Don't talk to me about her," Mallory grumbled. "You lot are the most undignified, crass…"
"Hey!" Lana protested. "Don't blame me or Ray for this. We weren't even there. And if we were we couldn't control Cheryl or Pam. Not without a taser."
"You have a point," Mallory admitted as she poured some scotch into her glass. "Gillette may be a lot of things but at least she knows how to act like a lady. Which is more than I can say for the Gruesome Twosome."
"I'm sure you'll be able to visit Archer tomorrow," Lana consoled. "Provided you go alone. And Cheryl is in a straightjacket."
"The only reason I don't permanently put her in one is that I have a sneaking suspicion she'd enjoy it!" Mallory snapped then took a drink.
"That's the only reason I don't beat that woman senseless," Lana grumbled. "You're not the only one who wanted to visit Archer today! I swear to God I have no idea…"
Lana started sniffing. Mallory looked at her. "Lana…?"
"I'm okay," Lana caught herself. "I'm okay. It's just a lot to handle right now you know? I mean I had a feeling Archer would be absent during a lot of his daughter's life but not like this."
"I know…" Mallory sighed.
"It's just hard sometimes raising AJ alone," Lana admitted. "I try not to think about it but…"
"You are a good mother Lana," Mallory said. "Hell, you managed to teach your child how to make coffee. I can't even get my husband to do that, much less Sterling! You must be doing something right!"
"Thanks," Lana said. "That does mean a lot for what it's worth."
"And you have more than what I had when I had Sterling," Mallory said. "You have me and Ron for starters. Don't tell Ron I said this but I'm glad he's taken an interest in AJ. She could use a halfway decent father figure now that Sterling…Never mind."
Mallory groaned. "Look at her remaining choices. Cyril, Captain Wishy Washy. Krieger, the Nutcase Nazi Experiment. Ray Queen of the Cyborgs. And whatever Pam is. God when Pam is the most masculine of the lot you know there's a problem there!"
"She's still a damn good babysitter," Lana defended.
"At least she got off the hard stuff," Mallory admitted. "Which is more than Woodhouse ever did."
"Any word from Woodhouse?" Lana asked.
"None and now I'm really starting to get worried," Mallory admitted. "As if I didn't have enough problems in my life."
"It's good to talk about these things," Lana said as she got some coffee and poured a couple into mugs.
"You know I'm not much for feelings but…" Mallory admitted as she took a mug. "I have to admit you're the only one of the Gaggle of Goofballs that has an actual brain cell."
Lana's phone rang. "It's my mother," Lana said. "She's sending me a text. And a picture. Of a swing set she made Dad put in the back yard."
"Subtle much?" Mallory remarked.
"I'm sure she just wants me and AJ to visit more," Lana shrugged putting her phone down.
"She wants to steal my grandchild from me," Mallory grumbled as she poured some scotch into her coffee.
"AJ is her grandchild too," Lana pointed out as they sat down at the kitchen island.
"At least your mother and I want to be in your child's life," Mallory sighed. "You should have heard the scream fest my mother put on when she found out about Sterling. Then she made it clear that she had no intention of even babysitting her own grandson."
"You're joking?" Lana looked at her.
"I wish," Mallory said. "In her own words she said that Sterling was my mess and I had to clean it up. Then she yelled at me to clean up the juice Sterling spilled."
Mallory took a drink and sighed. "I didn't exactly tell my mother I was pregnant. She found out after Sterling was born."
"How long after?"
"When Sterling was either five or six," Mallory winced. "Oh, who remembers? It's not important."
"Seriously?" Lana did a double take. "You don't think that might have accounted for some of her anger?"
"Not as much as Sterling ruining her latest plan to set me up," Mallory admitted. "In hindsight I suppose I should be a little grateful to him."
"Should I hear this story?"
"Might as well," Mallory sighed. "I had sent Woodhouse on some errand for the afternoon so I had to watch Sterling by myself. Which meant I also had to get the door when it rang. And who should be there but my mother. Making one of her infamous surprise visits."
"I bet it wasn't just you that got surprised."
"And how," Mallory nodded. "After snapping at me that it was impossible to track me down, she then proceeded to introduce this boring looking middle-aged businessman. See my mother wanted me to settle down and have children."
"Technically you already did one of those things."
"That's what I told her!" Mallory said. "But nooo! She wasn't happy. She's the type of woman that is never happy."
"Imagine that," Lana said dryly.
"Apparently, she told this schlep some cock and bull story about me being a virgin saving myself for marriage," Mallory went on. "A lie which was shattered not even two minutes later when Sterling stomped in demanding more juice."
"Oh boy…"
"Oh yes," Mallory nodded. "In hindsight it was rather amusing seeing Sterling throw his remaining juice at both Bub's coat and that loser's suit. I do remember laughing about that later."
Mallory took a drink and went on. "As you can imagine Mr. High And Not So Mighty stormed out of there like a bat out of Hell. Good riddance. Then my mother and I had it out. Our relationship had never been…perfect. But that was the straw that really broke the proverbial camel's back."
"Mallory I'm so sorry," Lana said.
"Don't be," Mallory said. "I hate Bub! The only time I talk to that bitch is a phone call at Christmas. Which I haven't done in…Five…Six years. No wait it's seven. Wow. Time flies when you're ignoring someone doesn't it?"
"You haven't talked to your mother in about seven years?" Lana was stunned. "Does she know Archer is in a coma?"
"I don't even think she even knows I'm married much less Sterling is in a coma," Mallory said. "Or about AJ. Oh. And the Irish bastard. I keep forgetting about that one. Not to mention the litter of bastards I don't know about. Probably in the South Pacific."
"If she does call you're going to have a lot to talk about," Lana groaned.
"Which is why I don't call," Mallory said. "Who wants to have that conversation?"
"What if she dies?"
"One can only dream," Mallory sighed.
"What if she's already dead?" Lana asked.
"Please," Mallory waved. "If she was I'd know about it. The minute that old bat kicks the bucket my bitch relatives would call me up in heartbeat letting me know what they got from the will. Am I in her will? I'm pretty sure I am. I know she hates most of my other relatives more than me…"
Mallory gave Lana a look. "You think I'm an opportunist? Trust me, compared to the parliament of vultures that are my family I'm little Miss Goody Two Shoes. The second anyone dies in our family it's like one of those scavenger hunt movies combined with a gladiator movie."
"So, like Cheryl's family?"
"Except with a lot less money yes," Mallory shrugged. "God can you imagine scavenging through a Tunt's treasures? It would rival the tomb of Tutankhamun without that musty bandage smell."
"Don't take it too personal if she doesn't know you or AJ exist," Mallory said. "Trust me. There's a reason I haven't introduced you yet and it's not you. As frightening as it is, you're the closest thing to a quality woman Sterling has ever or will ever have."
"I'm going to pretend that's a compliment," Lana sighed. "But you really should tell your mother about AJ. And Archer being in a coma. What if she finds out some other way? The shock could kill her."
"I never thought of it that way," Mallory smirked. "Heh, heh…That would kill her. Nothing else has."
Lana decided it was time to change the subject. "Well at least AJ is meeting some kids her own age. Maybe Ron will take a picture I can send to my mother?"
"Hopefully it won't be a before picture," Mallory groaned. "As in a before AJ turns into that fat girl from the Willy Wonka movie. And they'd have to roll her everywhere."
"Why do you always have to do that?" Lana snapped.
"Do what?"
"Make comments on AJ's weight," Lana said. "She's fine."
"Well forgive me for trying to be a good grandmother."
"Good grandmothers don't body shame a three-year-old!" Lana snapped. "Especially one that's a healthy weight."
"If she gets any healthier she's going to look like Pam," Mallory quipped.
"Her pediatrician says that she's the right weight for her age," Lana said. "And excuse me if I prefer to take the advice of an actual doctor who has practiced actual medicine for years instead of someone who has been taking alcohol like medicine for decades!"
"Fine," Mallory rolled her eyes. "If you say so."
"You think I'd actually give any child with Archer's DNA a lot of sugar?" Lana gave her a look.
"Point taken," Mallory said.
The sound of a car pulling in the driveway was heard. "Oh, good they're back," Lana sighed. "Please get along with Ron."
"When do I not?" Mallory asked. Lana did a double take.
"We're back!" Ron said as he brought in AJ. He was carrying some gift bags as well.
"Mommy!" AJ squealed as she ran to Lana and hugged her. "I saw horseys!"
"Horseys? Really?" Lana asked.
"Uh huh," AJ nodded. "And there was a clown and cake and I rode a horsey and Lady Lane came in at fifty to one."
"WHAT?" Lana glared at Ron.
"AJ…" Ron coughed. "We weren't supposed to tell Mommy that part."
"What part?" Lana said a little too calmly.
"Was there ever a birthday party?" Mallory asked.
"Of course there was," Ron said.
"Where?" Lana asked.
"Hollywood Lanes," AJ said. "Where every horse is a star!"
"AJ could you go watch cartoons for a bit?" Ron winced. "With the volume up."
"Way up!" Lana glared at Ron.
"Kay!" AJ skipped away. Soon the TV was on.
"Okay let me explain…" Ron said calmly.
"Explain how you took my child to the racetrack?" Lana asked.
"I knew it!" Mallory groaned. "This should be good!"
"What?" Ron asked. "At least I didn't have to sit in for traffic for hours. We take the back roads from where we are. It's faster. Besides that's where the party was. I didn't book it."
"Are you telling me that the racetrack now has children's birthday parties?" Mallory was stunned.
"It's the latest thing," Ron said. "You'd be surprised how many parents do that."
"And what little activities do they have?" Mallory asked. "How to place a bet? Pin the Tail on the Bookie?"
"You took my daughter to the racetrack," Lana glared at Ron.
"It was age appropriate," Ron said as he took out his phone. "The kids got to see horses at the stables. There was a rodeo clown. They even got pony rides. See? I just sent a picture thing to your phones."
"This I have to see," Mallory took out her phone and looked at it. "Oh look. Little AJ on a horse being led by a jockey. AJ pointing to some horses with the name of the racetrack clearly shown in the background. Oh…Little AJ and Grandpa Ron at the betting booth."
"You weren't supposed to see that one," Ron admitted.
"And Little AJ and Ron collecting their winnings!" Mallory said sarcastically.
"She picked a horse and I bet on it," Ron said. "Won two hundred dollars. I tell you that girl has a gift."
"Oh my God…" Lana groaned.
"I'm looking like the good grandparent now, aren't I?" Mallory said to Lana.
"I can't show my mother this!" Lana snapped.
"Why not?" Mallory asked. "It's better than the ones from her actual birthday parties."
Lana thought a moment. "Oh God it is…"