Dark Knight Rises (Maybe, Not Really)
A maid went through the largely vacant Wayne Manor and up the stairs towards Bruce Wayne's room. Entering the room, she placed the meal tray on a table and then continued to snoop around. She looked over pictures of Thomas and Martha Wayne. She then noticed an archery target on the wall. She touched the arrow curiously and then with her left hand caught the one that had been shot at her.
"Really?" Kara asked giving him an annoyed expression.
"What are you doing here?" Bruce asked still holding his bow. "And in that outfit?" he added.
Kara looked down at her maid uniform. "You like it?" she smiled.
Bruce could not deny being turned on by Kara in the maid costume. A number of role-playing games went through his head. "Well, that depends. Do you have a feather duster?" Bruce asked looking her over.
"I can get one," she said flirtatiously.
"Good, dust the whole house," Bruce ordered.
"Still an asshole even after all these years," Kara sighed. "At least you don't have long nails and facial scars."
"Is that what they say about me?" Bruce asked offended.
"They also say you never leave your room and that you pee in mason jars," Kara added.
Bruce nodded. "I told Alfred not to tell anyone about that."
"It's just that nobody sees you," Kara remarked.
Bruce looked at Kara's necklace. "That's a beautiful necklace. It couldn't be my mother's, hers are in this safe."
Kara frowned as Bruce looked over a totally broken safe as if someone had punched through it. "Really, Kara?" Bruce said disappointed.
"I was curious. You're such a cheap ass," Kara said defensively.
"You're supposed to steal from foreign nations, not from me," Bruce corrected.
"Whatever. What are you going to do about it? You're as likely to hit a woman as I am likely to hit a cripple," Kara teased.
"I have done both, and I only use this cane to look statesman-like," Bruce said embarrassed.
"Oh really," Kara doubted and then lightly kicked the cane sending Bruce to the ground.
Bruce cried out in pain and agony. Kara waited patiently as he acted like a cry baby for a few minutes. Alfred entered the room and ran over to Bruce. "What do we do when we fall, Master Bruce?" Alfred reminded him.
Bruce looked at Alfred teary eyed. "We get back up," he answered.
"That's right. Let me help you up," Alfred offered and then gave Bruce his hand.
Alfred struggled to get Bruce off the ground sending Bruce back to the floor. Kara shook her head in silent disappointment. Finally, Bruce got back to his feet.
"Miss Tate was asking to see you again," Alfred told him.
"She's very persistent," Bruce noted.
"And quite lovely, in case you were wondering," Alfred said.
"Hey, I'm right here. You said the same thing about Dr. Chase Meridian," Kara reminded him.
"What happened to the safe?" Alfred asked alarmed.
"I tested it. It failed," Kara said nonchalant.
"It wasn't meant to withstand a punch from an alien," Alfred said disgruntled.
"Perhaps, you should stop letting her into the house," Bruce accused Alfred.
"Please, I can come here whenever I want," Kara said dismissively.
"I'm going back to bed," Bruce said and limped away.
Kara and Alfred gave disapproving looks. "He's not the same anymore," Kara said sadly.
"Maybe, you can lift his spirits," Alfred suggested.
A few days later, there was a knock on the door. "I need to see Bruce Wayne," Officer Blake said to Alfred.
"I'm sorry; Mr. Wayne doesn't take unscheduled calls. Even from police officers," Alfred replied.
"And if I get a warrant, in the investigation of Harvey Dent's murder; would that still count as unscheduled?" Blake threatened.
"Yes it would, now fuck off," Alfred replied.
"Come on, man. The commissioner just got kidnapped," Blake said.
"So?" Alfred asked disinterested.
"Look, it could be serious threat against Gotham. I think he'll be interested," Blake pressed.
"Alright," Alfred allowed him inside.
Blake entered the house and found Kara walking towards him. "Who's this? You look cute," Kara complimented.
"I'm with Gotham PD, ma'am," Blake said politely.
Kara scanned him with her X-ray vision. "You look so healthy and strong for a human," she continued.
Blake gave her a strange look. "Thanks."
"Kara is a guest at Wayne Manor. She's writing his autobiography," Alfred explained.
"Yeah, I'm recording how many whores he's been with and his addiction to a dozen controlled substances," Kara said helpfully.
"Okay," Blake said awkwardly.
"What can I do for you, officer," Bruce said as he entered the room with a cane.
"Commissioner Gordon has been shot," Blake said bluntly.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Bruce said with false sincerity.
"He chased a gunman down into the sewers. When I pulled him out, he was babbling about an underground army," Blake began.
"It's Croc isn't it?" Bruce said seriously.
"No, Bane," Blake corrected.
"Shouldn't you be telling this to your superior officers," Bruce said thoughtfully.
"I did. One of them asked if he saw any giant alligators," Blake said. "He needs you. He needs the Batman."
"If Commissioner Gordon thinks I'm the Batman, he must be high out of his mind," Bruce replied.
"Yeah, you would know," Kara smirked.
"Shut your mouth," Bruce told her.
"Look, I'm an orphan like you. My mom died in a car accident and my father was murdered over a gambling debt," Blake began.
"Hey, we're all orphans here," Kara said giving Blake an inappropriate fist bump.
"Anyway, I was this angry kid that no one cared to understand. I was even in the circus for a while," Blake continued.
Bruce mouthed "What the fuck" as he listened to Blake's story.
"I was eventually sent to St. Swithin's. It used to be funded by the Wayne Foundation. We all worshiped you, Mr. Wayne. We made up stories and legends about you," Blake said.
Bruce simply stared at Blake in amazement. "I don't know why you took the fall for Dent's murder, but I'm still a believer in the Batman. Even if you're not," Blake said as he turned to leave.
"Why did you say your boy's home used to be funded by the Wayne Foundation?" Bruce asked at the door.
"Because the money stopped. Might be time to get some fresh air and start paying attention to the details. Some of those details need your help," Blake said and then left.
Bruce gave Blake a dumbfounded look and turned back to Alfred and Kara. "Well, damn," Bruce said depressed.
"You closed down a boy's home. That's so harsh," Kara remarked.
"Alfred, why did we stop funding that boy's home? They all worship me," Bruce asked.
"You needed the money for your new Batmobile," Alfred replied.
"Ah, that's right," Bruce recalled.
"You monster," Kara chided.
"Hey, I didn't become Batman to save the children. I did it to kick ass," Bruce said.
"But think of all those children that love you. They'll grow up one day and make a statue of you," Kara said.
"That is true," Bruce agreed.
"Next fiscal year then, Master Wayne?" Alfred asked.
"Right, next fiscal year," Bruce replied.
Bruce entered the Bat cave with Alfred. "What do we know about Bane?" Bruce asked.
"Nothing," Alfred replied.
"Really? There are no files?" Bruce asked incredulous.
"It's probably not his real name," Alfred pointed out.
"I'll fly around the world and see if I can find anything," Kara said behind them.
"Wait, how did you get in here?" Bruce asked outraged.
"Please, I have X-ray vision. I know this cave's entire floor plan."
Kara took off in a red and blue flash. "Time to talk to Mr. Fox," Bruce muttered.
"What for?" Alfred asked.
"I need some new badass weapons. I also need to make an appointment at the hospital for my leg," Bruce said.
"Which hospital, Sir?" Alfred asked.
"Whichever one Gordon is in," Bruce replied.
Bruce arrived at the doctor's office to discover what he would need to do to kick ass once again. The doctor placed his X-Rays on the wall. "I've seen worse cartilage in knees," the doctor remarked.
"That's good," Bruce said ignorantly.
"No, that's because there is no cartilage in your knees," the doctor corrected.
"So, are we going to do this: you say something that sounds good only to later tear me down," Bruce asked sarcastically.
"That's what you pay me for, Mr. Wayne," the doctor reminded him.
"That's right," Bruce recalled.
"Basically, Mr. Wayne, you're fucked up," the doctor concluded.
"Really?" Bruce wondered feeling uncomfortable.
"You don't have much use in your elbows and shoulders. You got scar tissue on your kidneys, concussive damage on your brain, and you got scars all over your body," the doctor said. "Mr. Wayne, what have you been doing?"
"Well, I've been preparing for some movie roles...one role required me to be a meth head and another one required me to get really fat," Bruce listed off.
"Mr. Wayne, I would lay off the meth and the Twinkies," the doctor recommended.
"Will do," Bruce agreed. "Can I get some pain killers?"
"You read my mind," the doctor smiled. "Just stay right there."
As soon as the doctor left, Bruce put on a black mask as if he were about to rob the place. He went through the window and descended down several floors to Gordon's room. Bruce came in the unlocked window and took a squat in front of Gordon.
"You look old," Bruce remarked in his Batman voice.
"Fuck you, too," Gordon replied.
"Remember how we trolled the whole city with Dent's death?" Bruce smiled.
"How could I forget? I have to memorialize the guy every year," Gordon said.
"Everything went perfectly to plan. Now, I fight both criminals and cops," Bruce said pleased.
"Evil has returned from below. They stole my speech on how Dent was the real killer," Gordon admitted.
"God damn it, Gordon," Bruce swore.
"This trolling has gone too far," Gordon said.
"Trolling never goes too far," Bruce said disappointed in him.
"I hope I die before they read it," Gordon said depressed.
"Well, that makes two of us," Bruce grumbled.
"Fuck you," Gordon muttered.
"Look, man. I'm coming back to kick ass again. Some of your cops may end up horribly injured in the process," Bruce warned him.
"I expect nothing less from the Batman," Gordon smiled.
That night, Bruce struggled to get out of his sports car with his cane. "Fuck!" he cursed as he found himself unable to get out. The reporters immediately took pictures as he finally got out and walked the red carpet towards an extravagant hall. As he did, he used an EMP device to disable all of their cameras.
"Bruce Wayne? At a charity ball?" Miranda Tate questioned him.
"Is this what this is?" Bruce asked horrified. "So...who are you?" Bruce wondered.
"It's Miranda Tate, one of your biggest investors," she said displeased.
"Not ringing a bell," Bruce admitted.
"Anyway, even before you became a recluse, you never went to these things," Miranda noted.
"That's because these parties aren't really about charity. They're about feeding the ego of whoever society hag laid this on," Bruce said rudely.
"Actually, this is my party, Mr. Wayne," Miranda said insulted.
"I'm not apologizing," Bruce replied.
"The proceeds will go where they're supposed to," Miranda assured him.
"I wish...I wish I gave a shit," Bruce confessed.
"You have to invest if you want to restore balance to the world. Take our clean energy project," Miranda reminded him.
"That's what you thought I was doing? Damn," Bruce said embarrassed. "I actually made a neutron bomb. I was going to use it on a certain someone," Bruce said vaguely.
"You have a practiced apathy, Mr. Wayne," Miranda remarked.
"There's nothing practiced about it," Bruce assured her.
"A man that doesn't care about the world doesn't spend half his fortune trying to save it," Miranda observed.
"Half my fortune? Alfred...God damn!" Bruce muttered. "He had one job."
"And so wounded when it fails," Miranda continued.
"I'm wounded because I'm broke," Bruce said displeased.
"Have a good evening, Mr. Wayne," Miranda said leaving him alone with his thoughts.
Bruce strolled around the hall and found Kara dancing with a big shot. He cut in rudely. "What are you doing here?" Bruce asked her.
"I wanted to be part of high society for a change," she smiled with Bruce's pearls around her neck. "Also, I heard everything you said. You're fucking high if you think I am going to let you nuke me again," she whispered in his ear as they danced.
"We'll see," Bruce whispered back.
"You're not wearing a costume," she said and pointed to her cat ears and mask.
"I'm pretending to be a serial killer. They look like everyone else," Bruce told her.
"Is it really pretending," Kara smiled.
Bruce smiled. "Fuck you, Kara. Your costume looks like you bought it from Wal-Mart."
"Maybe I did. I don't give a fuck what these fucks think," Kara said peeved. "You don't get to judge me, because you were born in the master bedroom in Wayne Manor."
"Actually, I was born in the regency room in a hospital that my family owns," Bruce replied.
"Oh yeah? Well, I was born on another planet. Beat that!" she challenged a little too loudly.
Bruce frowned. That was a good one. "At least my planet still exists," he said.
"For now," Kara said dangerously. "I do more for the planet than all of these people in this room."
"I don't give a shit," Bruce said honestly. "I'm here to do one thing and that is to kick ass."
"Maybe, you're being unrealistic about what is in your pants besides your wallet," Kara chided.
"Let's go back to my place and find out," Bruce dared.
"Look, I only have eyes for Jimmy," she said seriously.
"Who the fuck is Jimmy?" Bruce wondered.
Kara stepped on his foot on purpose. "Fuck," he cursed as he limped during their dance.
"You think all this can last? There's a storm coming," Kara warned.
"Bring it on," Bruce said confidently.
"You and your friends better prepare yourselves," Kara continued.
"I don't give a fuck about any of these people," Bruce said. A few rich types gave him a dirty look. "Yeah, I said it. Fuck yourselves," Bruce said drunkenly.
"Have you been drinking?" Kara asked disappointed.
"I may have had a few drinks before driving here," Bruce admitted.
"You're going to get someone killed," Kara lectured.
"Fingers crossed," Bruce replied. "By the way, I am going to need those pearls back."
"No, fuck yourself," Kara objected.
"Give me the damn pearls," Bruce said grabbing them.
"I will end you right here," Kara threatened.
"Yeah, look what I got," Bruce said showing a kryptonite necklace. He placed it on her greatly weakening her.
"You asshole," she shrieked punching Bruce to the ground.
Bruce used his cane to trip her. The two got back up ready to fight. Bruce punched her to the face. A furious Kara grabbed a hold of Bruce and slammed him on a table crashing it. She desperately tried to get the necklace off of her just as Bruce took a hold of her and slammed her to the floor. Kara and Bruce got back to their feet and glared at each other. The other guests gave them odd looks.
"That was so hot," Kara admitted.
Bruce kissed her passionately and then collapsed in a drunken mess.
Kara sheepishly dragged Bruce out of the hall towards his sports car. "Wow, without my powers you really are a fat ass."
Bruce merely gave her the middle finger. Kara snapped off the kryptonite necklace and threw it in the gutter. With her powers restored, she tossed Bruce into the sports car and drove him away from the city. Miles outside the city, she gave Bruce the boot out in the middle of nowhere and drove off with his sports car.
"Alfred, I am going to need a ride," Bruce said as he realized what happened.
Bruce entered Mr. Fox's office while still using his cane. "What brings you out of cryo-sleep, Mr. Wayne?" Fox asked.
"Fuck you, too," Bruce replied.
Fox merely smiled. "What do you need from me this time?"
"I need some new toys. It's hunting season," Bruce smiled.
"Nice," Fox replied. "By the way, Miranda Tate wants to talk to you. She's smart and lovely."
"You too?" Bruce muttered.
"We all want the best for you, Bruce. Show her what you got." Fox said.
"I'll think it over," Bruce said uncertain.
The two entered an elevator and went down to the basement level. Once they reached the secret floor, Bruce surveyed his tanks, armored suits, and various weapons. Fox approached Bruce with a rifle looking object.
"Fox, you know I don't kill...with guns," Bruce protested.
"I know, Mr. Wayne. This is an EMP device. It will knock out power to all electronic devices including vehicles. Just point and shoot," Fox said.
"Nice," Bruce remarked.
"I also developed a new armored helicopter. The auto-pilot hasn't been installed yet," Fox said showing Bruce the new vehicle.
"That's fine. I like to be in control at all times," Bruce said pleased.
"I call it the Bat," Fox smirked.