This is my first fanfiction. The amazing JK Rowling owns the world of Harry Potter. This story is potentially triggering so don't read if the subjects of self harm, depression, anxiety, Post Tramatic Stress Disorder or suicidal ideation will trigger or upset you. I will post more warnings if anything else comes up.
The train rattled as it took off from the platform. Hermione Granger still dressed in her muggle jeans and blue hoddie quickly moved head down, to the end carriage trying to ignore the stares and whispers as she pass excited first years. The last carriage was assigned to prefects and as head girl she quietly slipped into an empty section glad to avoid the curious looks and questions. Taking the left corner seat she slumped against the window and watched as the crowded industrial buildings merged into small terraced brick houses and eventually lush green countryside.
A sudden loud whistle rung out and the countryside disappeared ... Blasts and screams echo around me as bits of stone and wood fly around me. .. A group of death eaters fighting up ahead ... A small blond girl with her limbs at odd angles lies to my right, her hazel eye open in shock, blood pooled around her . .. Flashes shooting past me as I dodge spells ... A blast goes off behind me and I throw myself to the ground as darkness takes over.
Opening her eyes Hermione realised that she was crouched on the floor of the carriage, hands over her head. She quickly stood back up chastising herself for having such as stupid reaction about a mere train whistle. What if someone had come in and seen her? Shame flooded through her as her frantically beating heart slowed back down. Sitting back down she remembered the last summer.
The supposed celebrations for finally defeating Voldemort had meant nothing to her as the golden trio had been shuttled from ceremony to ceremony interspersed with funerals of their friends. The first funeral for Tonks and Lupin had ripped her heart as their screaming baby son was clutched to Harry's chest while their coffins were lowered to their final resting places. The next had been Fred's and shattered the rest of her as Ron clung to her, his lifeline, as his brother was buried. She found herself being the one to hold everything together, cooking and organising dates at the burrow while Molly lay in bed not able to get up. She didn't have time to feel when she had to put on a fake smile for the papers. She had cried a lot a night at first but soon she was no longer able to do that as Ron or Ginny or Harry came to her when they couldn't sleep and needed to talk. She didn't mind, sleep was only a nightmare of death and pain as the battle raged, never ending. The only relief she got was when she was alone in the bathroom where she found her release.
She had stayed with Ron and helped him through his grief, she supposed she was his girlfriend but she didn't feel as close to him because she didn't let herself feel enough in fear that if she fell apart she wouldn't be able to get back up. Ron and Harry had been given jobs as Aurors in training and were not retuning this year. Hermione didn't see how the relationship would last now Ron had a job and was no longer relying on her for support. They had agreed to just remain friends before she left.
Shaking herself Hermione pulled a tissue out of her hoddie and wiped the few tears that had escaped from her eyes. Familiar numbness set in and she welcomed it knowing that she had to get ready for the trains arrival. She quickly changed into her robes, pinning her head girl badge on her lapel. Stuffing her clothes back into her trunk she heard a click as the door behind her opened.
Hermione wiped around automatically falling into a battle stance, her hand reaching around to her wand. Seeing who it was she frowned and relaxed slightly but still ready.
"Relax granger" Draco Malfoy smirked flopping down on the seat opposite her. "I'm a good guy now" he said pointing at the badge on his cloak.
"Head boy!?" Hermione exclaimed wondering if McGonagall had gone crazy.
Draco just smirked "something about house unity, I don't particularly want to have to work with you either. Don't worry Granger I won't attack you or anything, not that I couldn't take you but you really aren't worth it."
"Well I'm surprised that you have the nerve to come back after all that has happened. I never realised that you were so committed to your education," Hermione bit back after recovering from her surprise. "Or is it that mummy dearest wants her itty bitty baby safe inside Hogwarts so the big bad Dementors don't scare him."
Draco fumed as his hand went to his wand pocket automatically. The door rolled open as he whipped it out. Headmistress McGonagall stepped in.
"Hello Miss Granger, Malfoy put that away, I'd hate to have to report you before we even reached Hogwarts. You're going to have to learn to not react if you want to get through this year. Miss Granger I must say I expected better from you." She admonished as Draco put his wand away and Hermione looked at her in disbelief.
"Why on earth did you make him head boy!? Why is he even here?!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Because Granger he has the academic record and participation in school events that is required. It shows the rest of the school that we are not above forgiving those that make mistakes as well as encouraging house unity." McGonagall span off but at seeing Hermione's continued disbelief knew that she wouldn't buy the party line. "Draco can you get the prefects organised for our arrival"
"Yes Headmistressr" He smirked at Hermione before sliding out of the compartment.
McGonagall waited until the door was shut before continuing. "It is also hoped that having you living with him and having Head boy duties on top of school work will prevent him from sliding into any bad influences."
Hermione nodded understanding. She didn't trust Malfoy and it did seem like the safest option. She wouldn't like it but her sense of responsibility wouldn't allow her to dispute the decision.
"Yes McGonagall" She said forcing a smile on to her face.
"Don't worry he won't hurt you and if he threatens you I want you to tell me immediately" McGonagall said concerned but not convinced at Hermione's smile dropped her voice to a sombre tone. "I'm sorry that I wasn't able to see you much this summer but I had a lot of work getting Hogwarts back up and running" she apologised referring to her brief appearances during the funerals.
"It's okay I understand, it's a miracle that I was fixed in time" Hermione said trying to make her smile more believable.
"Well I'll see you at the feast then" McGonagall replied before leaving, a niggling feeling that something was not quite right left in the back of her mind.
"See you then" Hermione replied waiting until she was out of the carriage to slump back down exhausted.
She had no idea how she was going to be able to get through the rest of the evening. The stares and pitied of students through dinner, absence of Harry and Ron. Together they would have been able to support each other but for the first time she would have to face this year alone. She felt fear building up. She didn't know what was going to happen. For so long the future was always about destroying Voldemort, finding horcuxes, winning the war. But now the future was a vast thing that stretched into oblivion and she was terrified of what was going to happen. She felt anger at Harry and Ron. They knew what they were going to do. They had each other to back them up. She had no idea what she should do and she would have to face it alone. The anxiety built up, her mind spinning, her stomach tearing itself apart and her chest feeling like it was going to explode. Hermione concentrated on her breathing chastising herself for letting herself get into a state.
Quickly she pulled a small compact out of her bag. She knew that she had to get her relief if she was going to make it. Popping open the compact she carefully drew out a razor blade. The fresh bade flashed as she turned it in her fingers the sunlight from my window bouncing off its surface. Knowing that she didn't have much time she quickly pulled her skirt up her thighs. Tracing her fingers over the purple marks etched into her skin she quickly drew the razor across her skin. She continued making 3 small lines of red, leaning back a smile etched on her lips as she felt the sting of the cuts. Her spinning mind slowed down as she focused on the pain and beads of blood.
Sighing she pulled a tissue from the compact and wiped the blood away. She then drew a few bandaids out and covered the cuts. She quickly scourgified the razor and put it back in the compact before throwing the rubbish a bin under the seat. She slipped the compact into her pocket and left the cabin to go and help Malfoy get the prefects organized. Hermione knew that what she was doing was bad but it was the only thing that she found gave her the strength to keep going. Being the strong one was hard and she needed her escape.
So that's my first chapter. Thank you for taking the time to read it. Reviews and constructive criticism are very much appreciated. I will write more this week and hopefully upload a new chapter by next Sunday. Have a good week.