"I know, Fliss, I know."
"But we have to do something, brother."
"I know. It will be alright don't worry"
Words of comfort did little to dispel my fear. Jack didn't show it, but I knew he was scared too. His clear blue eyes showed his fear. We rowed faster, the conversation lingering. Our hands were white with the cold and the biting wind stung my face and whipped my blonde hair uncontrollably. I felt miserable. The grey sea threw our humble fishing boat around. I knew the conversation that awaited us back on land. Words as harsh as the wind would greet us, but what could we do but turn a cheek to it. Just like everything else, no matter how impossible it seemed. Fishing was the only way we could survive, what with Ma and Pa gone. We lost them this winter, and I felt empty. I would never see them again.
Pa would never hold my hand and silently reassure me again, and Ma's hands would never neatly plait my sandy hair again.
There was a gaping hole inside me and nothing would fill it.
Jack was all I had left.
There was a thud as our boat hit the beach. "Bring it in, I'll start gutting the catch" Jack called over his shoulder as he hastily hauled two barrels of fish towards the town. Typical he would leave me to do the cold work!
I tied the boat securely and headed to the dim lights of town as night settled around me. Wrapping my shawl tightly around me, my mind drifted back to the earlier conversation.
We earnt little from fishing and there seemed to be less fish around. I could see no future here in La Rochelle. Maybe we could move to the city. Paris may have jobs but we'd have nowhere to stay.
I picked up the carving I had finished earlier. Jack's birthday gift had been on my mind for a long time. I couldn't afford anything from the shops and we weren't in the mood for celebrating, not when Ma and Pa weren't here. Home was too quiet now. Ma wasn't there to look after us, and Pa's chair was empty.
I wrapped the small wooden boat in the last clean rag we had. I felt ashamed at the tiny carving, it had taken so long to make, but it looked awful to my eyes.
Reaching our home, a weather worn shack on the outskirts of the town, I was relieved. Hopefully Jack would have started a fire. I wondered what he would think of the gift. Would he like it? My eyes watered, when I imagined him being disappointed. Maybe I would be less of a disappointment to him than I was to Ma and Pa. I'm sure that I'm just a burden to him.
"Jack? Where are you?" I called. Fear twisted my insides when there was no fire, no fish barrels and no Jack. Where could he have gone to and who could I ask? It was night and I couldn't imagine that Jack had got lost. I tightened my dull shawl and lit a lamp. I had to find him. I ran as fast as I could to the only other place he could have gone.
I ran to the well. His lover left him letters there some nights, his eyes would light up as he read the words from her. Elise, I think her name was. He rarely spoke about her,
but I could tell he loved her. As I neared the well, I could hear a commotion. I turned the corner, my hands clinging on to the lamp, wishing it could be brighter. The wind increased but I forgot the cold as soon as I met the scene before me. Men were crowding, some were shouting, two barrels of fish were overturned with the contents spilling out but I didn't care. I shouted the only thing that I cared for when I saw that very person on the icy, muddy floor.
"Jack!" I screamed, my voice hoarse from the cold and my fear.
His battered eyes met mine, as his opponent kicked him again and again. I saw the fear he had been hiding. Men and women were stealing the few fish that were left but I didn't care.
"Stop, you brute!" I ran in front of my brother, doing the only thing I could think of to protect him. I flung the lamp at his opponent, which caught his face before smashing on the ground nearby, the oil burning bright. The fire lit up the face of the attacker, and I knew him straight away. "Leave Labarge!" I shouted with as much courage as I could muster. I could only imagine how silly I must look, with my shawl and my terrified face.
"Well, would you look 'ere! The damsel savin' the lad! An' what are you goin' ta do if I don't leave, girl?"
White hot rage swam through me and I could feel myself shaking with anger. The cold long forgotten, I dropped my shawl and, picking up the nearest stone, I hit the huge man square in his nose, before kicking him in the place my brother told me really hurt. The anger in me immediately mirrored in him.
"Why you little wench!"
Before I could think, he slapped me and pulled out his sword. I knew this was game over, for I had no weapon but a stone. "Fliss" a quiet voice behind me said, but I ignored it.
"Even look at my brother wrong again, and I'll be sure to break your nose again." I sneered to the brute who only held his sword higher.
None of the other town folk did anything, too cowardly to stand up to Labarge.
Labarge spat at me and rushed up towards me, but my stubbornness won over my logic and I stormed towards him, too angry to think. I reached for the broken lamp and winced as the hot metal burnt my scarred hand but I had no time to do anything else as I swung it across the brute's face. Hearing a crunch which satisfied me more than I thought it would as it hit his head, I was too slow to see the sword heading for me. "Fliss, no!" I heard Jack call as the sword cut across my head, narrowly missing my eye. I saw no way out and fell as Labarge crushed me on some stone stairs. When had I got here?
The heavy weight was gone as Jack and a few more men hauled Labarge off me. "You'll regret this, Fliss" he hissed as he shook the men off him and stormed off, cursing as he went.
"Jack are you well?" I asked, concern lacing my voice when I saw him wobble unsteadily towards me.
Growling in a low voice "Fliss, don't you dare do something as stupid and reckless as that again. You disappoint me." he answered.
Shocked I could only follow him as he dragged himself to our home. The cold began to bother me again, as did the blood dripping in my eye. Labarge must have made a decent slice,
I thought grimly. I hoped it wouldn't scar.
Once we were inside, I lit the fire in silence, my heart beating heavily in anticipation of what Jack would say.
Looking behind me, I sighed as I saw him glowering at me.
"Jack" I began, but he interrupted me "No, Fliss, I don't want to hear it"
Before I could ask if he was alright, he stormed off to bed, telling me to go to sleep as well.
Once he was gone, the tears began to fall. I've disappointed him too, was my only thought before I curled up in front of the bright fire, not caring that my blood was drying in my hair.
-
Morning came gradually, but I waited for it with a heavy heart. I had long given up trying to sleep as thoughts of the night pestered me. Was Jack okay I wondered. I had not heard a sound since last night. As the sun peeked through the windows, I started to get up. Strange, I thought, that Jack wasn't up already. He usually beat me to breakfast.
I had yet to give him his gift, but I was certain he wouldn't like it. Especially after last night. Maybe it would disappoint him more. Deciding to let him sleep in a while longer, I wrapped my old coat around my aching shoulders and headed down to the beach to prepare the boat for another day of fishing. I could only afford one apple from the market, since all the fish from the day before was stolen. Jack deserved it more, so I would let him have it.
Reaching the beach, horror greeted me, as I saw what was left of the boat.
The small fishing boat was reduced to ash and charred wood, so this was Labarge's revenge, I thought. Dread struck me as I realised that this was worse than being killed on the spot.
No boat would mean for fishing, no income and no food. My mind drifted back to the conversation with Jack just the day before. How could I tell him that it wouldn't be alright.
I started pacing, thinking of other options. I turned away, and looked back, hoping that it was just a dream. I looked around to see if this was really our boat, maybe Labarge will have mistake someone else's for ours. There was no chance. The remains of our hope was in ashes right in front of me and I fell to my knees as I faced the fact that we were so close to starving now.
I did the only thing I could think of, and I ran back home to Jack. I ignored the strange looks from the people I passed, gaping at the dried blood on my face.
"Jack, Jack!" I called, my already pathetic voice breaking as I feared his reaction to the news. When I received no reply, I knocked on his door, hoping to wake him.
"Jack!" I yelled.
Silence greeted me. He must be tired I thought.
Sighing, I opened his door, expecting to be yelled at for coming in without him asking me.
But silence met me.
"Jack?" I asked, my voice a whisper.
His room was dim. The sunlight cut through the tiny window showing the dust in the air. It smelt musty. And Jack. My Jack. Was lying on his leather fishing jacket. He looked so deeply asleep, his light hair flopped over the bruises on his face. But this sleep was too deep.
On the cold nights we slept together for warmth, his breathing would send me to sleep.
But he wasn't breathing.
And he wasn't sleeping.
"Oh Jack" I whispered. I reached for his hand, scarred like mine from fishing hooks, and found no warmth. His hands were like ice. I held it tighter, hoping that the harder I held on, the more warm he'd be.
"No. Don't leave me now. You said that it would be alright... How can it be now?"
My voice had reduced to nothing and, for the second time that morning, I fell to my knees.
The emptiness I felt inside me grew and my throat tightened painfully as my tears fell leaving wetness on the wooden floor.
I cried.
I cried more than I had cried when Ma had died and when Pa had died.
I didn't know what to feel.
I felt nothing.
His face haunted me from the night before. His eyes fierce with anger and disappointment. But he had been alive then. My tears fell more and more and I fell with them. Not letting go of his hand, I fell and cried more and more. Each time I looked at his face, more tears would fall. My strength abandoned me and I rested my heavy head on his chest.
And this was how I stayed for the rest of the day. -
Coldness came again as the night fell. I couldn't leave Jack like this. Clambering up, the world tilted as I realised I hadn't eaten. I guess I could have that apple now, I thought bitterly.
But that would have to wait. I would say goodbye to the only one I had left.
I knocked quietly on my neighbour s door and was greeted with the plump and ragged man, his breath leaving the lingering smell of alcohol. Taking one look at my face, and recognising me from the fight, he spoke up "What the hell do you want, trouble maker. The quicker you leave, the quicker Labarge will leave."
"Sir, I ask only for a large rag. Please sir, in exchange for the fish you had last night"
At my last remark, anger flashed across his face but he turned and reached for a rag, cursing as he did. "Take this and leave, and take yer trouble with you." He slurred as I left in silence.
At home, I lit the fire to try and get more warmth. I looked towards my brothers room, and stood slowly, with the rag in my hand. My head was swimming, but I needed to do this. I left his clothes, but lifted him onto the rag which I had stretched out. I wrapped it tightly around, kissing his face one last time. Tears streamed down my face as I did so.
"Goodbye brother" I whispered.
Reaching for a shovel, I headed out a small hill nearby, which had a tree. It was no gravestone, but I would know he was here. I dug, and I dug, my tears mixing with the cold, wet mud.
The wind increased and it was dark, except for a small lantern. Satisfied, I picked Jack up from the house and carried him to his grave.
Laying him down, I climbed out again and picked up the shovel.
"I'm sorry, Jack. So sorry that I disappointed you." I knew he couldn't hear me, but I wanted to tell him anyway. I buried my cold hands in my pockets, where one met the carving.
As I pulled it out, the tears fells again when I realised that Jack would never receive the gift. He wouldn't see how hard I tried for him.
I covered my brother with the dark earth and went home. Dark thoughts surrounded me and I shook in the cold. I sat down shakily in front of the fire and reached for the apple I had bought the previous morning. That morning when I had a boat, and a brother and hope. Now I had lost all three.
I looked at the rosy apple that Jack should have eaten. It was bruised now, but I was too hungry to care. The sweetness made my eyes water. Jack should have had this.
I didn't deserve to eat his food.
But he is dead.
Thoughts swirled around my mind.
What was I going to do now?
Finishing the apple, I needed rest. I grabbed Jack's leather jacket. The one he had worn every day. We had joked that he would marry it if he could! I wondered what his lover would do once she knew he was dead. Resting my head, I felt something crinkle underneath. Confused, I reached my hand in the pocket and found a letter with a seal I did not recognise.
Maybe this was from his lover?
I shouldn't read his letter. Looking at the crackling fire, I wondered if I should burn it. My curiosity won over and I broke the seal and opened the crinkled letter. I hadn't read in such a long time, but I could read the scrawly writing. It was from Gascony. My curiosity spiked. What connections did Jack have in Gascony?
Reading on, it seemed Jack had asked for a job with "family friends".
I thought hard. What friends did we have? Maybe they knew Ma and Pa. I know Pa had been to Gascony, though he didn't say much about it.
Maybe I would find a job there. Hope sprang up, but died away when I realised they wouldn't accept a fishing girl. I had to try. I must. After shoving the few belongings I had into my scruffy bag, and leaving my boots by the fire to dry for the morning, I lay down, thinking about what I would find in Gascony. It was a long way to walk, and I had no horse. Maybe I could ask someone for a ride, though it was risky.
Laying my head on his jacket, my mind drifted as I fell asleep thinking of the strange seal and the name it belonged found at the bottom of the letter.
Who was Alexandre D'Artagnan and how could I reach Gascony?