Lights Out!
in which the Akatsuki gets a new base
WARNING. Swearing courtesy of Hidan (some of it comes from Deidara though)
Author's Note:
They're all out of character, I know. Its hard to write the Akatsuki in character. Also, I really doubt that there's an actual Akatsuki HQ where all the members go to chill, but that's what's happening here.
I don't know how Hidan would know anything about Pinnochio. Maybe they get to rent Disney films?
This was somewhat inspired by Rock Lee's Springtime of Youth Episode 38. They're all on crack, I swear.
Deidara massaged his temple with his left hand, trying to keep at bay the pounding headache he knew would eventually overcome him. The source of his headache was a whimpering Tobi who had grabbed hold of his right hand and would not let go.
The lights had gone out in the Akatsuki base.
Strategically placed in the kitchen at the moment the electricity had gone, Deidara and Tobi could hear the rest of the organisation moving throughout the base.
"Fucking cheap dick of a partner not installing a fucking generator. What the Hell are we supposed to do now?"
There was a crash, a yelp, and a lot more swearing. Hidan had arrived.
Deidara dragged Tobi to where he though the noise had come from. He bent down, found Hidan, took his arm, and heaved him up.
"Thanks blondie."
"Yeah. Where's Kakuzu hmm? He usually deals with these things."
"Motherfucker is in Amegakure. He had to go talk with the Leader about some accounts. We can't wait in the god damn dark until he comes back."
"And yet it seems that that is what we must do."
Itachi's voice came out of nowhere from behind Deidara, almost giving him a heart attack. For a moment he was glad they were in the dark so nobody could tell how hard he had squeezed Tobi's hand.
"You're a creep Uchiha. You don't sneak up on people in the dark."
"What happened?" said Kisame.
"Some fucktard wend and overloaded the system," said Hidan. "Which one of you was it so I can rip your innards out and sacrifice them to Jashin?"
"That 'fucktard' would be me. Unfortunately I have no innards that you can sacrifice," said a curt voice from behind Hidan.
"Sasori!" said Deidara gratefully, trying to step towards him. He miscalculated, tripped on Tobi's legs or Hidan's scythe, he couldn't tell, and ended up on the floor.
"Fuck you," said Hidan. "You're going to have to fix it."
"How do you expect me to fix it? Like you, I can't see anything."
"But Sasori, you have to try! Kakuzu is going to be away for ages yet and we can't stay here in the dark, hmm."
Suddenly the room was filled with a soft, yellow glow. Kisame held up two halogen lamps and set them on the table.
"Told you they would come in handy, Itachi," he said. He looked at Hidan and recoiled.
"What the Hell?" he said.
"I was in the middle of a fucking ritual, wasn't I?" growled Hidan, gesturing at the gaping hole in his chest and the blood on the floor. Sasori stepped smartly away from him, and with horror, Deidara realised that some of it had gotten onto his hair. He scrambled back to his feet, marvelling at how Tobi still had a grip on him.
"Tobi, get off, yeah! You're cutting of the circulation." He aimed a kick at him, but the masked ninja just held on tighter with his face buried in Deidara's cloak.
"Tobi is scared of the dark," he whimpered.
"Well that's just the fucking cherry on the icing," said Hidan, wrapping his cloak around him.
"There's light now!" said Deidara, frantically waving at the halogen lamps. He was seriously unable to feel his fingers now. He caught one of the lamps and it teetered slightly but Kisame caught it just in time.
"Careful," he warned, "these are a fire hazard."
"Your partner's a fire hazard," muttered Deidara under his breath.
In the meantime Sasori had been looking through the fuse box attached to the wall.
"Hidan, where does Kakuzu keep the fuses?"
"The Hell should I know? Probably in one of his fucking safes in his room."
"Without fuses I'm not going to be able to fix this."
"Look I'm not touching any of that idiot's stuff."
"Are you scared of Kakuzu?" said Kisame, his grin widening to reveal pointy teeth.
"Fuck no! I just don't want him yell my head off like he does every time I go in to ask him for something."
Hidan glared at Kisame.
"I'll try to find them Hidan," said Deidara. "And if Kakuzu says anything will blame it on Tobi, hmm."
"What?" squeaked Tobi, but he was unheard above the general "Yes's" and "OK's" that flurried around the room.
"Come on then," said Hidan, taking one of the lamps and walking out of the kitchen. They all trooped in a single file down the narrow corridor that formed the main part of the Akatsuki headquarters. The shadows on the walls lengthened and shortened as they passed by with the lamps, and Tobi was about to climb up on Deidara's head.
"Tobi, I swear to God, yeah, just get your freaking hands off me," yelled Deidara suddenly, startling everyone. Hidan yelped and turned suddenly, brandishing his scythe, almost catching Sasori in the face, but he ducked at the last minute and almost fell over onto Itachi who had Amaterasued the door next to him.
Kisame looked at all of them.
"Who would have thought a bunch of S ranked criminals could actually be scared of the dark," he said, throwing his head back and laughing.
The replies were drowned out by Hidan's yelling.
"Uchiha you fucking brat! Kakuzu is gonna have a shit fit over that door!"
"It was not my fault," said Itachi, calmly regaining his composure.
"What the Hell? Why did you go and use your fucking creepy genjutsu on a fucking door," Hidan fumed. "I swear to Jashin, when Kakuzu says something I'm sending him to you, and you can deal with him PMSing. As for you blondie."
Hidan brandished his scythe at Deidara.
"Don't fucking yell like that."
Deidara rolled his eyes and walked into the room that Itachi had just attacked. It was Kakuzu's room alright. There was a bed, a table, a chair, and a variety of safes all over the floor, shelves and even under the bed. Each one was meticulously labelled in Kakuzu's neat handwriting.
"Your partner's one fucked up guy, hmm," said Deidara to Hidan.
"Yeah, and yours is a fucking walk in the park," retorted Hidan. Sasori pushed past him and walked towards a safe labelled 'electrical supplies'.
"How are we going to open it?" he said.
"Itachi can always Amaterasu it like he just did the door," said Deidara.
"No, it will destroy whatever is inside the safe as well," said Itachi.
"Out of my way," said Hidan. Without warning, he side stepped Sasori and brought his scythe down on the safe. There was a deafening clang and an amount of swearing as the scythe hit the metal of the safe, but did not damage it. Instead there wa s a puff of smoke, and Sasori and Hidan were hidden from view. For a moment the rest of the Akatsuki looked on in wonder, until they emerged, Hidan coughing and sporting a shining black eye. In front of them, there was an exact copy of Kakuzu that had apparently just punched them. The clone dissolved almost instantly.
"I am so going to kill Kakuzu's ass!" Hidan said, gingerly feeling the flesh around his eyes. Sasori realised with growing irritation that the punch had cracked the wood of his cheek.
"You idiot," he hissed. "Why did you attack a safe?"
"Got any better ideas, Pinnochio?"
Hidan looked at the safe.
"Not even a fucking scratch," he marvelled.
"Maybe Samehada would work," said Deidara.
"I'm not going near that thing," said Kisame, leaning against the door frame. "I can see fine in the dark, its you lot that want the lights back on."
"Fishy, you'd better fucking well open it or I swear to Jashin I will-"
"Hidan you just got your ass handed to you by a safe, I really don't think-"
"Asshole, that's not what happened, it was rigged, how the hell could I have known-"
"It's a safe Hidan. And it hit you."
Itachi interrupted Hidan's colourful reply by holding up a piece of paper and saying "Will this do?"
"What is it?" said Sasori.
"A list of combinations to the different safes."
They all stared at him.
"What the hell is the point of having a safe if you're just going to leave the combination lying around, hmm?" cried an exasperated Deidara.
Sasori snatched the paper out of Itachi's hands and looked at the different combinations.
"Here," he said, grabbing Tobi and forcing him off Deidara. The blonde sighed gratefully and waved his hand trying to regain some form of circulation.
"You do it."
"But why?" Tobi stood in front of the safe, the hand holding the combination numbers shaking. Sasori shrugged.
"If its rigged you'll get the brunt of it."
"Sempai!" whined Tobi, turning to Deidara. Deidara shook his head.
"Go ahead Tobi. Its part of becoming a full member of Akatsuki hmm."
Whimpering softly, Tobi bent and entered the combination into the safe. Sasori had stepped back to what he considered a safe distance and everyone waited with bated breath as the door of the safe slowly swung open.
"Sure nothing happens to him," muttered Hidan as Sasori shoved Tobi out of the way and bent to take a look at what was inside. Caught off guard, Deidara did not realise that Tobi was heading towards him and therefore could not prevent him from latching on to him again, this time on his left hand.
"This should do," said Sasori, holding a box of fuses in his hand.
"Thank Jashin we didn't do more damage than the door," said Hidan, in what was almost a gleeful tone of voice. Hardly had he finished his sentence, when Deidara, reaching breaking point, let out a battle cry, quickly moulded some clay into the form of a bird and brought it down onto Tobi. The masked ninja squawked and ducked, meaning that the clay figurine blew up right in the wall behind him which came crashing down. Everything was silent for a moment, then the ceiling began to groan.
"It was a supporting wall," said Sasori incredulously. "Deidara, out of all the walls-" He couldn't finish his sentence though, as the ceiling let out a louder noise and actually began to move.
"Run!" yelled Kisame, turning and fleeing down the corridor. Everyone else was hot on his heels as first the wall inside Kakuzu's room partly gave way, then the rest of the ceiling in the base began to move. There was a slight altercation at the main door as Hidan and Deidara both tried to get out at the same time with Tobi stuck in between them, but they all managed to get out before the entire base gave way and came down.
Kisame let out a low whistle.
"Hey Hidan, think Kakuzu's going to have a shit fit now?"
For once, the Jashinist did not answer. Instead his eyes were closed, his hands were around his pendant and he was mumbling prayers, rocking backwards and forwards on the balls of his feet.
Kakuzu found them three hours later all sitting in front of what used to be a base. He yelled at Tobi, yelled at Hidan, yelled at Deidara, contemplated yelling at Sasori, but instead yelled at Hidan a bit more, then made them follow him back to Amegakure where the Leader had to put them up in the God tower.
Which was how Pein found himself massaging his head trying to keep at bay the pounding headache he knew would eventually overcome him.
"Konan, how much longer do they have to stay here?" he said. The woman shrugged.
From the corridor came a loud bang then a voice, recognizable as Deidara's.
"Tobi, you idiot, hmm! I told you to shut the hell up, now look what you've made me do!"
"Tobi didn't mean to!"
"Tobi is a good boy, after all," said Zetsu's black half.
"Kakuzu's been on the lookout for a new base for a week now," said Konan.
Another bang from the hallway.
"There goes another one," said Zetsu's white half.
A door slammed open.
"Could you shitwads keep it the fuck down?! I'm trying to fucking pray!"
"You're the one making all the noise!" yelled back Deidara.
Leader was sure that his eye was officially twitching.
"Konan, tell Kakuzu that he may as well keep a look out for a few new members," he said, getting up and rolling back his sleeves.
Konan smirked as she watched Leader walk out of the room.
"I'll let him know as soon as he comes back," she said, right before the shouting and yelping started.