Today the unthinkable has been realized.

It happened as I was walking from the bathroom with a toothbrush sticking out of my mouth and a towel around my waist humming Dancing Queen when I bumped into Rodrick who looked more pissed at the world than usual. I decided to play it safe and avoided all forms of eye contact, which proved effective because, without even so much as a grumble, he pushed passed me into his room.

"Mom!" I said, trudging into the kitchen, "What's wrong with Rodrick?"

Mom seemed overly-happy. She was skipping around the kitchen wearing her flowery apron: dusting, shining, and bleachifying. The house smelled like a cleaning solvent dump.

"Oh, Honey!" She pranced by and gave me a swift kiss on the head which I wiped away with the back of my hand. And then she said it, those eight scary words.

"Rodrick's girlfriend is coming over for dinner tonight!"

I don't know who was screaming louder. Me because, -well, isn't it obvious?-or Mom because I had just dropped my cereal bowl on the floor.

6:00pm

So now we're all standing here like dopes waiting for the star of the show. Rodrick looked pale and sweaty for some reason, but every time I tried to nag at him Mom would go BERSIRK and tell me to behave myself for "the wonderful guest of the evening." I think Mom was just glad that, as far as we knew, this one had no piercings, criminal records, or newspaper-worthy incidents to be spoken of (unlike the previous few that Rodrick had brought home.) Speaking of which, Rodrick hasn't spoken a word about her all day. He just keeps going into the bathroom and each time coming back smelling stronger and stronger of "Dad's" stale old cologne that I think has been sitting in the medicine cabinet since before we moved in.

The doorbell rang and Mom squealed.

"She's here! She's here! Everybody get in your positions!"

Mom fluttered past wearing her (puke) yellow Macy's frock and a crazy-wild smile. Dad and I shared a wary look that communicated all too clearly the classic if-you-bail-me-out-I'll-bail-you-out. I knew that Dad wanted nothing more than to be in the basement working on and rebuilding his Civil War battle field which, for the record, I did not crash into as I was on my way out after being spooked by super huge vampire rat that I swear was eyeing me up.

"Oh, hello sweetie, nice to meet you at last!"

"Oh! Mrs. Heffley! Your smile is as bright as the moon."

"Oh! How lovely!"

Mom's overly sweet voice wafted all the way into the kitchen. As usual, I always had the honors to sit next to little Prince Manny at the table and let me just make it clear that this little monster sits on the potty while eating at the dinner table. Lame, I know.

"Hi, Bubby!"

Rodrick rushed in just as dad was sitting down, looking paler than ever. He leaned over and grabbed my shirt. "I will pay you 600 Mom Bucks if you get her out of the house," he hissed.

I shook my head. I must not have heard him right.

"Who, Mom? We tried that before remember? Didn't you end up staying at Granpa's house for-"

"No, not Mom, you dope!" He hissed as footsteps came closer and closer, "Her, my 'girlfriend.' She's been following me around for weeks talking random girl-gibberish. I can't make heads or tails of it! And I don't even like her!"

I looked at him with a quizzical expression. Had the speakers in the garage blown his brains out? The thought made me snicker.

"Well….what's her name?"

"Amedea Arabella Bonfilia Cosima Donna Gabriella Orabella!"

Mom swept in with a flourish with a girl by her side. The girl smiled and did one of those girl-things where they bend their knees weird and flutter their dresses. "How nice to meetchoo all!"

She swept past Dad and gave him a bow, "Mr. Heffley! Your aura is strong and solid. You must be a good, good provider to the family, yes. Oh, and is this little Prince Manny? The most colorful energy he has. As bright as the painted toys that he plays with, I see vibrance in his future. Vibrance and laughter," She swept over to Manny's chair and began covering his head with kisses. My mouth fell open and I looked at Rodrick. He looked back and shrugged. By now Mom had lost her cheery smile and now looked as if a train had come screaming into the kitchen. Dad looked completely confused. Manny just looked as if he wanted to get this over with so that he could dive into his cereal and start making a mess.

"Oh, Rodrick, is this your brother?" I screamed as the woman floated over towards me as creepily as a ghost. "Gregory! Dear, dear Gregory!" The woman standing above me was extraordinarily pretty. She had a wide, grinning face with red-painted lips and clear, brown eyes. She was a bit taller than mom and her wavy brown hair fell almost to her hips and she had the most delightful figure. I could see why Rodrick would fall for her. But she still looked crazy! She was wearing about five multi-color dresses at once under something that I think they call a 'corset' and had grown her slime-green nails to a creepy length. She pinched my cheeks with those creepy nails and I screamed again. "Oh, Gregory. I see struggles and hardships in your ever-so-present mind. School, maybe? The best spell for a rainy day in the life of a boy is honey and kitty claws, I think. One jarful ought to do the trick and all of your troubles with…..disappear!" She flicked her wrist and sent Mom's prize vase skittering. If Rodrick could have sunken any deeper in his chair he'd have been in you-know-where.

"Oops," she batted her eyelashes at the shattered glass at her feet. "Um, dinner, Mrs. Heffley?"

Mom's eye twitched. "Yes….off course…"

Sometime during dinner, maybe around the time that Amedea-Orabella-What's her-name was talking about the impact of the color ruby-red on a person's energy, I was able to slip away. The first thing that I did was run to the family telephone and dial Rowley's number.

"Mr. Jefferson, uh-huh, I know I'm not supposed to call between the hours of 12am and 12pm but this is an emergency! I need to talk to Rowley. Yeah. Okay."

I waited anxiously as Mr. Jefferson went to give Rowley the phone, listening as I did so to Miss Amedea Arabella Bonfilia Cosima Donna Gabriella Orabella spew some nonsense about the moon.

"Hullo?"

"Hey, Rowley it's me. This is an emergency-"

"Aw, I told you I don't have anymore backup underoos…."

"What? No! Rowley, listen to me. Rodrick has a new girlfriend and right now she is in the house and she is CRAZY! I think it's time we put Operation ThreeTwo into effect."

There was a pause. "Wait, wasn't that that operation we made up in third grade to make Fregley-"

"Doesn't matter. Just get over here asap."

This was going to be one heck of a night.