I do not own any of the MLP-FIM cast, Unless Hasbro is willing to sell me the rights to Derpy (not like they want her), nor am I writing for profit or financial gain.
I would also like to say that this is my first try at loading something on this sight, and while I hope all goes well, any help and leniency would be appreciated.
A final reminder, thanks to dyslexia and spelling problems, plus ADHD… I must ask that you all please excuse my spelling and grammar. Also, this is a made up story so if I get little details like names and places wrong… too bad.
Warning: This story may contains some adult situations and languages. You have been warned!
A message from Pinkie
With a tired groan, I pushed myself away from the desk that housed all my art equipment and my computer. It had been a rough night for me so far and the only thing that had gone right was the upload I had just finished to my Deviant Art page. I had completed coloring a new bit of art and had done the touchup in Photoshop the day before. Now I could relax a little.
"RT, you still up?" my mother called out to me, causing me to sit up straight in my seat.
"Yea," I responded quickly, getting up from my work station and moving over to the base of the basement stairs. "You heading to work?"
"I am, and I should be home before five," she gave me a warm smile.
"Well, I hope you have a good day."
"Oh I will," she nodded before reminding me, "And remember, you're driving me to choir practice at church tonight."
"I won't…forget…" I started, only she was giving me a rather bemused look. "What now?"
"You're going to have a very special visitor soon, so you might want to clean up your desk,"
"Mom, I'm over thirty… I don't need to be…" I was about to finish my retort when she ducked out of view.
"Well, I got to go… bye-bye!"
I was still standing there like an idiot when I heard the front door close. A moment later her PT-Cruiser started up… and she was gone.
"Wait… wait just a moment," I can hear what you guys (The Readers) are thinking. "So RenaTamer, you're over thirty and still living with your mom… What, do you live in the basement too?..."
Yeah, I do, and I do live in the basement… under the stairs, but it's not what you think. Not long after I turned 29, my father became a diabetic, and soon after suffered a massive stroke and lost his ability to hold a job. Depression came next as the bills began piling up and my mom feared the worst. She had asked of her three boys for one of us to return home and help keep a watchful eye on dad. Being the eldest I took up the mantle of being my father's nursemaid.
Once they left the roost, my younger two brothers never looked back.
…On a beautiful September day, my father finally lost his battle for life. His heath had been in decline for a while, and we all knew he wasn't long for this world.
After that, my mother asked if I would stay behind, the old homestead being too big and lonely for just one, and by then, I had already had the accident that had fucked up my back and left me dependent on a cane to walk. So I agreed.
"Oh, sorry about your dad," I hear the readers say, "But wait, your over 30 and a Brony… you have kids or something?"
No, I don't have kids. I grew up in Alabama during the late 80's/ early 90's and have always had a thing for horses. My neighbor had draft horses, huge dark monsters of the equine world, yet the gentlest and most loving animals I had ever known. Then one day I stumbled across a strange toy at the local mall. My Little Pony… they had the muzzle and build of a draft horse, came in an assortment of colors, and I wanted one regardless if it was a toy meant for girls. And for my birthday I got my wish.
Jokingly, to hint that I was acting like a little girl, my father had bought me the pink one named Cotton Candy. It then became a running gag, if one could be found, to receive a MLP on my birthday.
Sadly I lost Cotton Candy long ago, but to this day I feel she was the reason I fell for the current Pinkie Pie.
Anyhow, giving my head a shake, I stepped back over to my desk and sat down. Unfinished drawings and a massive amount of markers cluttered the top of my desk while competing for space against my computer and scanner. Unlike the rest of my room, my workspace was a disaster area. Looking down at the wreck that was once to be my career in Commercial Art, I again gave out a tired sigh and began to shift the clutter around.
I had just put my sketchbook away and was removing the extra papers when my back teeth flared in pain, followed closely by the odd sound of ripping fabric. Odd thing was, the sound wasn't coming from the speakers of my computer, but from the flat screen of my monitor….
Glancing up I found that where my Deviant Art page had been only moments before, there was now a large distorted pink face looking back at me. "Hello, RenaTamer, are you home?" the face pressed itself to the other side of the screen while large blue eyes shifted back 'n forth.
"Sweet Monkey Jesus…" I fell out of my chair, my voice screeching out before I could stop it.
"Sweet, there is somepony there," the face happily chirped, yet it was followed by a disgusted snort. "Oh pooh, I still can't see you… this must be an LCD screen… hold on a moment."
I was already on the floor, so it meant that my jaw didn't have far to drop after what I witnessed next.
I found myself rooted to the spot, unable to move or speak as a pink hoof and foreleg began to push out against, and warp the computer's screen. Again, there was the sound of ripping fabric and suddenly the head and shoulders of a familiar pink pony popped free. "Oh wow," she breathed, "You know, (grunt) this is a lot easier with the older glass screens,(groan) . This crystal stuff is a real pain to break through."
"P…Pinkie," I had to blink my eyes several times for I just couldn't believe what was happening. Yeah, I had seen the show (I wouldn't be a good Brony if I hadn't) and knew that Pinkie had the ability to break the forth wall… but this… "You know me," she brightened as our eyes met. "Good, (grunt) this will make things a lot …er… easier on us both… um, hold on just a sec…"
As I watched, she placed both her front hooves on the sides of the screen and gave a grunting heave. There was a loud POP and suddenly Pinkie fell free of my computer and right onto my desk. The only problem was I hadn't finished cleaning it just yet, so when she landed, she landed on my markers. With a cry of "EEEP!" and her hooves pin-wheeling, she shot off my desk and right at me!
I really can't say what happened when we collided, but when I next opened my eyes I found that I was on my back while two halves of a large pink rump filled my vision. Instantly I realized just what I was looking at and I quickly turned my head to the side, all the while doing my best to keep my little soldier from waking up. "What, you don't like what you see," she asked, looking over her shoulder as she gave me a wink.
"I…I'm sorry," I apologized franticly, not wanting her to think of me as some sick pervert. Now don't get me wrong, anyone who's ever run across my Axel n Rena stories will tell you that I'm perverted… I'm just not a sick one.
"Don't be," she giggled as she placed her front hooves on my stomach and pushed herself up into a more seated like position. Of course this action only managed to press her …rear… closer to my face, along with the fragrance of freshly mixed cake icing.
"Like most humans, you forget that we ponies evolved with little or no use for clothing," she said with a snicker, giving her tail a bit of a wiggle (god I so wanted to grab hold of her hips and). "So we, as a whole, are quite desensitized to nudity and very open minded when it comes to mating… which is one of the things I needed to talk to you about… I think."
Glancing past her shapely hindquarters, I could see that she was rubbing her chin with her left hoof. I could only guess at what she might be thinking about… but I didn't want to hurt my brain. "Anyhow," she instantly spun around and pressed her cute little nose to mine. "I happen to know that you are writing several stories about me and my friends and I've decided to come here and give you some tips, a few hints, and to warn you of some no-no's to stay away from."
"How…why," really smooth bonehead, my mind shot back.
"Because," she said mater-o-factly. "We don't want you to buck things up, I mean, even if you never post the things you're writing, we want it to be the best."
"er…We?" I couldn't help but arch an eyebrow in question. "And just who are we?"
"Silly billy, you'll just have to wait and see," she giggled as she lowered her full weight atop me, crossing her front hooves over my chest. "So, shall we get started?"
"ummm" I was fidgeting, the mischievous look in Pinkie's large blue eyes had shot my nerves full of holes and I couldn't focus on a single coherent thought but one. "W…we just met…"
"Relax, smarty pants," she reached up and gently tapped my forehead with her hoof. "I'm not here for THAT, Luna would turn me to stone if we did THAT," she again snickered before planting a kiss on my nose. "Besides, I'm saving myself for Arklight."
"My dragon-self," now I was really confused, Arklight was a Night Fury dragon I created for an AD&D table-top game I played at a friend's house. "I…I don't understand."
"Things will become clear in time, young padawan," Pinkie stated as a more serious look came over the usually hyper pony. "To start with, and as far as I'm concerned, the most important reason I'm here is the Brony created term, Fillyfooler. This term is a big no-no. In a world were mares outnumber the stallions by over five to one, it became socially acceptable long ago for mares to turn to each other for companionship. And on the other side of that coin, male on male relationships while not unheard of, are not against any law."
"huh… So that would mean that," I started to pose the question to her.
"That the barn doors of most mares and fillies swing both ways," Pinkie gave me a wink. "Yes, and the Elements of Harmony are no exception."
"ummm…" my ever gutter entrenched brain quickly flashed over to one of my favorite stories and I couldn't help but ask. "So did Twilight and Celestia…ever?"
"Do the horizontal hokey pokey," she cut me off with a snorting chuckle. "I haven't a clue…"
"…Buuuut…" I could see her hesitate so I pressed the question.
"But, the princess is well over a thousand years old," Pinkie wiggled her eyebrows at me. "And out of all the students she has ever had, Twi is her favorite for some reason!"
"Interesting, so what about male/female relations?" I asked, my curiosity suddenly peeked. "I mean, I know the Cake's are married, as are Twilight's parents, yet if there are so few males… how does that work?"
"One on one marriage while not uncommon, aren't the norm," she gazed at me intently with her big eyes as she elaborated. "See, the show is made for human children, so we can't show everything. Yet we ponies were herd animals long ago, and though we've evolved higher brain functions, it's still the one thing that never changed. So yes, a few mares will get together and share a stallion… in fact, we encourage unattached colts to… plow the fields as the term goes, until they find a fulltime mate."
"And extended… herd marriages?"
"They usually consist of three to four ponies, though I have heard of more," Pinkie did her best to make the complex details of marriage, as straightforward for me as possible. "But the simplest way to put it is that one mare in the herd is the alpha, and she decides who can join said herd or who the stallion can buck other than herself… are you getting any of this?"
"You know, I really should be writing this stuff down," I sat up as I said this, not even thinking of poor Pinkie. "Woopsy!" she eeped when she suddenly lost her balance and fell backwards into my lap. "Oh jeeze, I'm sorry pinkie…" my voice died as my face began to burn bright red.
She was now resting in my lap with a large smile on her muzzle, her front legs pulled up over her chest, her back legs splayed open and her rump pressed into my crotch. "You humans are so silly," she chortled, taking my chin in her fore hooves and forced me to look down at her. "I told you already, we ponies aren't ashamed or embarrassed about our bodies… well, other than Fluttershy." Then she did something that totally killed any apprehension I had about having a naked pony cuddled into my lap, flashing me her world.
She reached up and pressed a hoof to my nose… and it actually made a honking noise!
"Pinkie, I get the fact that ponies are true nudists," as disturbed as I was over what just happened, I was still blushing and doing my best to not oogle her parts. "But this is really uncomfortable for me…"
"Does this have anything to do with that folder you have with aaalll those naughty pictures of little ol' me?" she said as she batted her eyes, before bursting into a fit of the giggles when my face turned a brighter red. "Someone has been spending way too much time downloading pony porn from Rule 34… you naughty furless monkey you."
And again she honked my nose!
"If it's all the same to you, I have a lot of questions that need answering," come on RT, deep calming breaths… I had to silently remind myself. "So if you could get up…"
"okey-dokey-lokie," she chirped and in less than a blink of an eye, she was at my computer pulling up the word program and began typing away… with her hooves no less. "So let's knock this banana out of the fruit-stand."
("Actually, I took over typing for RT a while ago, ^_^)
"Ok, so you already told me about pony relationships, so on to something else," I said as I joined her. "How about we move onto foods, what all do ponies eat?"
"Believe it or not, and while they haven't touched on it in the show, most ponies are omnivores. While ponies are never shown eating meat, we are shown fishing, and using animal products like eggs and milk for cooking and lard for baking. Now, if you know anything about Heart's Warming Eve, you'd remember that long ago, a never ending winter caused a major food shortage and all ponies were on the verge of starving to death."
"Yeah, I remember the episode." I gave a nod.
"Well, the threat of starvation pushed even the staunchest pony to rethink their eating habits." Pinkie continued. "So they turned to eating animal flesh… Now don't get me wrong, they still couldn't bring themselves to kill another living creature, but once a cow, pig, or chicken died, there was no reason to let the body go to waste. Everything was used… and I mean everything." She then glanced at me as she posed a question. "Ever heard of collagen?"
"Yeah, it's a protean found in bones… why?"
"It's also used in the making of gelatin," Pinkie said, "Gelatin is found in most gummy candies as well as other products such as marshmallows, gelatin dessert, and ice cream… just to name a few."
"Now that I didn't know, about marshmallows I mean" I blinked in surprise, for I had seen the ponies eating marshmallows and ice cream on the show. "So what other things have they shown but no one has questioned?"
"We use leather for belts, saddles and book covers… even AJ's Stetson has a leather sizing band around its crown." she stated as she typed away, "Wool, feathers, and silk come from animals. Pig and bovine fat is used to make the grease we use on wagon wheels and to lubricate steam engine parts… as well as some cosmetics, hooves are used in glue while ivory and intestinal gut are used in making musical instruments… I could go on."
"No, I think I get it." I held a hand up and slowly shook my head. "But I take it that once peace came to the pony clans, most reverted back to being strict vegetarians, or like Fluttershy, are just too overly friendly to animals to eat them."
"Yes and no, see, we do have vegetarians and even full vegans…" she snickered, "Buuut, even with her love for animals, Fluttershy still eats the eggs she gets from her hens, and she has a love/hate craving for bacon that she thinks she's keeping secret from us (giggle) but we girls know and keep quiet about it, for her sake."
"Cool, that was one of the things that I was really having trouble with," I was now kneeling next to her, watching her type out what she had been telling me word for word. "However there is one thing that I would love to know, in order to settle a Brony bet, at the picnic where Twilight found out her brother was getting married… what was Rainbow eating?"
"A lettuce, tomato, and cheese sandwich," Pinkie said, before making a disgusted face. "Don't get me wrong, I love lettuce, tomato, and cheese sandwiches, but Rainbow likes to stuff them with heaping helping of dill-pickle slices… ick…"
I had to laugh, the sight of Pinkie, a pony that has been known to drink hot sauce with no ill effects, shivering at the idea of pickles on a sandwich. "Ok, next up… hay fries, are they really made of hay?"
"Hay fries are thinly cut deep fried potato sticks, something you would call French fries," she whinnied happily. "However seeing as there is no country called France in Equestria, the fries were given a different name. Besides, do you really think Spike, a dragon, is going to eat deep fried grass?"
"..er, no.."
"So what's next," she looked over to me, happily awaiting my next question.
"Well… I have a few anatomy questions… I mean… if that's ok…" Pinkie shot me an odd look as I finished the question.
"You're not going to start acting like Shy are you?"
"No, no," I flinched back. "Sorry, I wanted to know just where on a pony is his or her flank located, and if you girls still go into heat."
"Oh that," she giggled, slipping out of my chair to stand at my side, her backside facing me. "Ok, first I'll show you where my flank is, just place your hands on my cutie mark and…"
"Hold up for a sec," already on my knees, I suddenly realized just how small Pinkie Pie's body really was. All this time I had been paying attention to her, I had been looking at her face (and I'm sticking to that claim), which was rather large. What I mean to say is that the size of a ponies head is really disproportioned to their body and… oh hell. "Pinkie, just how tall are you?"
"From hoof to head, I'm about 38 inches and a quarter, just a tad over 3 feet," she said and before I could ask, "I weigh close to 120 pounds. Twilight is 42 inches, horn included, and about 98 pounds, a little light for a unicorn. While Dashy is about 37 inches and only 96 pounds, but then, Pegasi have always been light weights." Suddenly her eyes squinted as she gave me a serious look. "And just so you know, I'm not fat, 120 happens to still be average for a female earth pony."
"So most adult ponies are over 100 pounds," I blinked in shock. "How on earth, I mean, but you guys are so small."
"Small bodies yes," she said before pressing a hoof to her head. "But if you haven't noticed, we are very well muscled, which weighs more than fat, and we have huge heads that make up almost a third of our body mass."
"…wow…" I gave an impressed whistle. "So what about Luna and Celestia, height and weight I mean."
"Princess Luna a tad over 4 foot tall, 52 inches, and for all her height, weighs about as much as me," she snickered more to herself then at anything funny. "As for Princess Celestia, she's a smidge over 6 foot and about 230 lbs… like me, she has a thing for sweets, but she doesn't get the exercise I do."
"And you know all this… how?"
"Why Yes! While ponies have evolved over the years, we still go into heat, though it's more aptly called going into season or estrus," she quickly changed the subject on me, "But here's the neat part, fillies only go into a forced 'heat' once, usually between the ages of 13 and 16. It's left over from when we were wild ponies and signals that the filly is ready for mating." She then flashed me a hinting smile, which went right over my head. "Most fillies will go out of town, or visit a female friend when this happens because colts and stallions are still hardwired to respond to the pheromones given off… just so you know."
"Anything else I should know about fillies in heat?"
"Only that after our first heat, we can sort of control when and where we females wish to get… frisky, it's a gift that Celestia's mother bestowed upon us long ago." Pinkie clarified. "That and we have drugs and magic to help with our cycles… Nevertheless, there are a few things that can still trigger it, such as great mental or physical stress, or when somepony has been neglecting their health."
"However, the repeated repressing of one's urges can also bring on a heat cycle if a pony isn't too careful," she gave a low whistle and roll of her eyes. "Boy, did AJ fine that one out the hard way… good thing siblings are immune to each other's pheromones, or Big Mac would be in trou-ble."
"huh, why do I get the feeling that this is going to be coming up in the stories I'm writing?"
"Oh, I haven't the foggiest," she snickered while wiggling her eyebrows at me. "Now on to the flank question, open your hand and spared your fingers wide… then place your palm over my cutie mark."
"Before I do, is what I've read on the Brony fan sights true," I hesitantly asked, my hand hovering over her mark. "That a cutie-mark is a sensitive zone on a pony?"
"Yes, it's an erogenous zone for ponies," she confirmed as she looked back over her shoulder. "As are a Pegasi's wings, or the horn on a unicorn. But not to worry, just do as I say and we'll be fine."
Taking a deep breath, mostly to steady my nerves, I followed Pinkie's orders and gently placed my left hand over her left cutie mark. "THAT… (cough) …That whole area, where my back legs attach to my hip, that's my flank. Now originally it meant the aria between my last rib and my stifle, but over the years we started using the more military term for flank…"
As she talked I found my curiosity inexplicably drawn to Pinkie's puffy tail. without thinking I moved my hand from her cutie mark and gently ran my fingers through her tail. This action was not lost on the little pony before me. "Um, Tamer…" she turned and eyed my hand. "Are you having fun back there?"
"Oh, umm," I smiled sheepishly as I pulled away. "Sorry about that, I was just trying to find your party canon."
The moment those words left my mouth, I flinched and feared the worst. For a moment or two her big blue eyes alternated between me and her tail, until she finally asked, "Why would my party canon be in my tail?"
I gave a sharp sigh of relief that she hadn't gotten upset, "But isn't that where you keep it?"
There was a second of hesitation before she brightened "No silly Billy, I keep my canon in my hammer-space pockets."
"Wait a sec," out of everything she had told me thus far, I found this to be the hardest to swallow. "So you're telling me that ponies have extra-dimensional pockets?"
"Right-a-Reno!"
"Where?"
"Can't tell you, not allowed to," she giggled, stuck her tongue out at me and began to merrily hop about my room. "But you'll find out soon enough."
"huh…" I scrutinized Pinkie, yet I could tell my hyper guest wasn't going to budge on this. "Ok, so mind if I ask where your plot is?"
Pinkie blinked and paused in mid-bounce, rolling her eyes as she sighed out, "Oh, not this again… Saying a filly has a nice plot, is the same as saying a human female has good birthing hips or a sweet ass. It's just an expression mostly." She than whispered something about colts and their fetish for big butts…
Over the next few hours she gave me a hands-on teaching, no pun intended, on the physical aspects of pony anatomy, age, and reproduction. She also guided me through pony government, finances, and religion. By the time we had finished I was astonished to find that I was no longer getting embarrassed when she would flash her sex at me. The whole experience had been one hell of ride as I found myself becoming desensitized.
By the time she had answered almost all of my questions, I had resumed the typing while she sat comfortably in my lap and played with my markers… and I don't mean it like that, you bunch of freaks.
Now there is a lot that I'm leaving out here, most of which were personal questions that I needed from Pinkie so that I could give her and Arklight a good story. Other questions had to do with the Elements of Harmony… the actual elements themselves, not just the main 6. The one thing I did learn that was of great surprise was the difference between a filly and a mare.
I had always thought that a filly was just a young female pony, but to my surprise, the two titles meant something different in Equestria. A filly was a female pony who had yet to breed, while a mare was a pony who had foaled. However over the years the two terms had become more like our use of the words "girl and woman." So a mare could still be called a filly, but a filly was just a filly… oh god my head is starting to throb… and Pinkie tried so hard to explain it all as simply as possible.
Sigh…
By the time we had finished, a total of seven hours had flown by and it was time for Pinkie to depart. We hugged and said our goodbyes, and though she did promise to visit again, there were tears in my eyes as she climbed up onto my desk. The last thing I saw was her cute little rump disappearing into the screen of my computer… and all became silent.
As for me, I'm typing my last thoughts before saving and getting some sleep… I find myself wishing Pinkie were still here, everything seemed to brighten and the world was happier during the time we spent together. Yet I can't help but wonder about Luna, why was she so against Pinkie and I having a little bit of fun?
I guess that question will have to wait.
Fin.