Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid
"I can do this. I don't need anyone! I am a strong independent woman!"
Rachel stood in front of the bathroom mirror repeating over and over again. Maybe if she said it several times she would believe it? She was dreading going back into the diner where she worked facing all her customers.
She knew that she could call Dean or Cas and one of the two would be coming to get her. Rachel didn't have to be alone. This was her choosing, After Sam lost his soul things had gone down hill. Her once good hearted lover was now sarcastic and cold. She tried to put up with him pray that he would return to himself. However, he didn't Sam seemed to get worse this resulted in Rachel bolting.
Now her life was her shitty dinner job where she waited tables for up to 10 hours a day. Rachel knew that she could go home to her father. Bobby would be more than willling to let her move back home but he wouldn't probably hate Sam after this. Rachel didn't want to let that happen!
Walking back into the main part of the dining room Rachel decided to continue with her day. She straightened her apron before going to her next customer and almost yelling. Before her sat none other than Castiel. He looked up at her with the same blue eyes that she remembered so well.
"Hello Rachel."
"Hello Castiel."
Rachel looked at him with wide petrified eyes. Cas knew that she was worried about Sam being somewhere in the restaurant.
"Sam isn't here."
Rachel nodded looking slightly relived as Cas motioned to the seat in front of him.
"Have a seat."
Rachel looked over her shoulder at a older gentleman in the kitchen vigorously beating a steak with a meat beater. She winced feeling immediately sorry for the customer that was getting "Chef Louis'" special."
"My boss will have a cow."
Cas smirked.
"He won't even know. "
Rachel smirked.
"Forgot about your angel skills."
She said before sitting across from the angel.
"I suppose you are going to tell Sam where I am at now."
Rachel said softly.
"I didn't plan on it immediately. We are all worried about you Rachel."
Rachel frowned. She didn't want to be rude to Cas. He didn't deserve to receive an attitude over something that Sam had done. Rachel frowned at the thought what Sam had done. If Sam was in the right mind and had his soul he would have never done some of the things he had done.
"Dean knew I left."
Cas sighed. It was clear this was not going to be an easy task.
"We didn't expect you to just go silent on us. Rachel, Sam has his soul again and is asking for you."
Rachel's mouth dropped. She was clearly not expecting what the angel had just said.
"Cas, I don't think that I can see him. No one knows what all happened between Sam and I. I'm sorry but you and Dean don't understand what it was like for me when Sam came home smelling like another woman. There was the other stuff too. You won't understand."
Cas looked at her sympathetically.
"I assure you that while I don't understand the complexity of your and Sam's relationship I can understand how badly Sam misses you. Dean and I miss you too."
Rachel looked down sadly before looking back up to the angel.
"Awe you bit softie I miss you too."
Cas couodn't help noticing how thin Rachel was looking. She looked ill and almost like she hadn't eaten in days.
"Have you seen your father or told Bobby where you have been? He is extremley worried just like we are."
Rachel shook her head.
"I haven't. He would have just tried to get me to be patient with Sam. I have other reasons too."
Cas nodded taking in everything she said and was quiet for some time.
"What will it take to get you to come back?"
"Look Cas, I just need some time. You know where I work now. Drop by in a few days. Deal?"
Cas nodded holding out his hand. Rachel looked at his outstretched hand before realizing that he was waiting for a hand shake. She chuckled before reaching out and shaking Cas' hand.
"See you soon. I have to get back to work."
Cas nodded as Rachel stood and walked to a table of diners that had just sat down. Giving her a small frown, Cas stood. He didn't have a few days to work with. Sam was an emotional wreck and a few days wasn't going to cut it. Cas had his mind made up. He would just follow up Rachel home and try to talk some sense into her. Maybe just maybe that would work.
When Rachel finally walked out of the diner, purse in hand, Cas quickly began to follow up. He didn't get close enough for her to suspect that she was being followed. After walking about 6 blocks, Rachel turned and walked toward a large brick apartment building.
Cas stopped for a few moments to watch as she approached a woman who was holding a baby. When Rachel took the baby into her arms Cas knew exactly who that baby belonged to!
"Well that was unexpected."
Cas muttered to himself as he looked at the mini version of Sam in Rachel's arms. The baby met Cas' gaze and waived. Rachel said something to the baby as she turned to see what her son was focusing on. Her mouth dropped seeing Cas a few feet away. Instead of the pleasant expression that she had easier now Rachel looked livid.
"Castiel, did you follow up?"
Cas walked over sealing the gap between them.
"You had a baby? Is this why you won't go to Sam?"
Rachel looked down a moment before her baby sitter stood and muttered a small fair well. She was relieved that the woman left. There would be no way in hell that poor lady would understand what in the world was really going on in Rachel's life!
"Fine! Yes, Cas! This is the reason why I didn't just jump to run back to Sam with you! Do you UNDERSTAND now?!"
Cas blinked but continued to make his normal stoic expression.
"We should go inside if we are going to continue this conversation."
Cas finally started calmly. Rachel nodded before motioning to the door
"Come with me."
Rachel led Cas into a one bedroom apartment with mismatched furniture and covered in baby toys. She looked back at Cas for a moment before sitting the baby down in a pack'n'play. Rachel walked back into the kitchen turning on the Keurig machine.
"I would offer you coffee but I know your answer. I suppose you want some answers."
Cas nodded.
"That would be nice."
Rachel didn't seem as nervous or angry as Cas was expecting her to be.
"His name is Jordan. He's 9 months old. I found out that I was pregnant after I left Cas. Believe me when I say that I seriously thought about coming back. I didn't because I knew that Sam wouldn't care at that point. He just saw me as some kind of belonging of his. I wasn't a lover or girlfriend, I was just his property that he could fool around on all that he wanted. Why would he have cared about Jordan? He wouldn't have wanted to be a father anyway."
Cas was quiet a moment. He didn't like seeing Rachel being this sad. In ways, Cas wished that Rachel would be hateful and yelling. Her sad demeanor was almost unsettling.
"He will now. Rachel, you are barley making it now. Please come back. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your son. Jordan deserves to know his father, who is the right mind now. Do it for Sam. I know that you love him still. I can feel it in you. Please."
Rachel looked way from Cas. Her attention focused on Jordan. The baby sat in his play pen chewing on one of his toys. He looked up at her after a few minutes giving her a little grin. It was the same grin that Sam would give her, that precious little grin that coud melt her heart into a giant puddle of mush.
There were some days she wasn't for sure who Jordan reminded her of. He looked just like Sam and behaved like him in most ways but there were times that he reminded her of Dean as well. Rachel often laughed at the fact that she carried the baby for nine months only for him to come out looking like his father and behaving like his uncle.
"Rachel?"
Rachel focused her attention back on the angel that was beginning to look a little impaitent with her.
"Fine, I will go back with you Cas.
The next afternoon...
Dean sat flipping through the channels with a beer in one hand. It had been a slow week! After deciding to take a week off the time home was getting to him! He looked down at his phone waiting to get something from Cas. The last thing the angel said was he was going out for a bit and that was it. He didn't give Dean anymore details and disappeared with BAMF before Dean could ask questions.
"Have you heard anything from Cas?"
Dean looked up to see Sam poke his head in from the other room.
"Nah, I think he forgot how to work a cell phone again. Time to play geek squad with him Sammy."
Sam frowned, giving Dean his best bitch face.
"No, its your turn."
Dean smirked as Sam went back into the other room without another word. He had just got back into some stupid show with anime porn when the door opened. Dean was relied to see Cas walk in.
"Cas! Man you have to stop disappearing without explaining where you are going! We were worried sick."
Cas blinked a few times before looking over his shoulder.
"I left with good reason. Rachel, if you please."
Dean all but jumped up when he heard the word Rachel. When his childhood stepped into the room Dean felt his heart began to race the moment that his eyes locked onto the baby in her arms. Dean's was speechless! All that was registering in his mind was the fact that Sam was about to save a lot of money on DNA testing.
"Hello Dean."
It wasn't until Cas coughed did it register with Dean to say something.
"Rachel...uh...what's this?"
Rachel pressed her lips together as she tried to get Jordan to quit squirming. The expression on Dean's face was almost heart shattering. She had expected him to get upset and she was right on the money with his reaction.
"Its what it looks like."
She replied. Dean rubbed a hand over his face. He focused his attention on his nephew not needing anymore clues on who the kids father was.
"He's Sam's?"
Dean questioned, feeling almost stupid doing so. He needed the verbal confirmation. Rachel nodded.
"He is."
The sound of Sam's voice coming from the other room made Rachel's heart pound. She heard his footsteps getting closer and she knew that it was time to face the moment that she had nightmares about from the time that Jordan was born.
"Dean, we really need to get a hold of Cas."
When Sam walked into the room he wasn't looking up but instead looking at a book that was in his hand.
"Hello Sam."
Cas said casually. Sam's head snapped up and he immediately dropped the book when he saw Rachel. His mouth dropped as he took in her appearance.
"Rachel!"
He gasped. Was this some dream come true or just another nightmare in the making? His eyes widened ever more when he saw the baby in her arms. Rachel glanced at Dean, who was clearly trying to contain his anger before looking back to Sam.
"He's yours Sam."
Sam was clearly devastated as he realized just how much he had missed! He didn't even know that Rachel was pregnant! Mentally counting back in his mind her pregnancy had to occur before he lost his soul.
Sam had never felt more mentally anguished than he did in this particular moment! After being in love with Rachel for so long, keeping that love closeted, finally getting her to love him back, having a wonderful relationship everything had literally gone to hell! Never in his life would Sam have even considered making her a mother if he wasn't ready to be a father! They had never even discussed children now here was a little boy that didn't know shit about him. There was also the realization that she went through the pregnancy and birth alone...something else Sam never would have let her do. If he had his soul and knew that she was pregnant; there was no way she would have been alone!
Sam had looked to Dean judging by his brother's tense demeanor he didn't know anything either. He couldn't help but wonder what if Dean had actually sent her away to keep her safe? What if Dean knew that she was pregnant? He would never do that.
Everyone stood in dead silence until Dean began to speak,
"All right we all need to sit down at talk! Like now! No one is going anywhere!"
Dean flipped the TV off and began to pace a moment. He stopped after tugging on his hair for a few minutes.
"Okay, I'm playing mediator here. Rachel, please we need some explanation other then how the kid was made. Why did you leave?"
Rachel was quiet a moment.
"You both know why I left."
Cas walked to Rachel holding out his hands,
"I am going to take the little one out. He doesn't need to hear all of this."
Rachel slowly placed Jordan in Castiel's outstretched arms. The baby looked at Cas like Sam would when he was trying to figure something out. Dean pressed his lips together fighting the urge to smile. He waited until Cas had disappeared from the room before speaking.
"I know why you left. You told me that you would keep in touch. I have obviously missed a memo somewhere. I thought we were all close! We've all known each other since we were kids now this. Does Bobby know about him?"
Rachel shook her head and Dean began to laugh.
"You all are so in for it! I'm going to stop being an ass for a minute and go a different direction. Rachel, I'm sorry about everything that happened! I am sure this wasn't easy for you and you know we care about you. Sam has been worried sick! Trust me when I say he's back to normal aren't you Sammy?"
Sam meanwhile, was still clearly lost in his head. Dean sighed. He knew that his brother was internally blaming himself for any wrong that Rachel had experienced in her life.
"Well if he was responding that would be a yes. Sammy?"
Sam finally looked up.
"I have to get some air."
He turned quickly walking out the door without another word. Rachel and Dean looked after him. Dean turned away from the door first. The expression that was on Rachel's face let Dean know right away how awful that she was feeling.
"Come on, lets go get you a drink."
Rachel slightly jumped when Dean touched her arm. Dean quickly put both of his hands on her shoulders.
"Hey! Its me! I won't hurt you! You know that!"
Rachel looked at him a moment before her eyes filled with tears. Dean didn't hesitate a moment before pulling her into his arms. He had done this on many occasions when Sam was soulless.
"I'm a horrible person Dean!"
Dean sighed,
"No you aren't! Rachel level with me here. Why did you leave when you found out that you were pregnant?"
Rachel wiped her eyes on the back of her hand.
"I left because...Dean, Sam wouldn't have cared! He would have just been out sleeping with any tramp that he could get his hands on. He wouldn't care about me or Jordan.
I didn't want you to have to be in the predicament of feeling responsible for me because it was your brother that knocked me up. You would have been stepping up and doing what Sam should have been doing on top of hunting. That would have been too much for you. I didn't tell Dad because he would have been angrier at Sam. If he knew that I was pregnant and Sam wasn't being responsible...Dean you know my dad! I had to protect Sam the only way that I could!"
Dean was quiet for a moment as he took in everything Rachel said. He stood silently a moment before taking her hands in his.
"I know exactly how Bobby is! Rachel, you are right. I would have tried to take care of you and I wished that you would have let me. Do I think you are a bad person? No! In a fucked up way it makes me love you more that you wanted to protect Sam. Like I told you before I didn't blame you for leaving but now I really wish that you would have stayed. Look, we'll figure this out! We always do! We're never going to leave you all alone again. I'm going to show you this is where you belong."
Rachel nodded, feeling a little better. Here was Dean Winchester going into big brother mode just like he always did with her and Sam. She had been worried that Dean would never forgive her when it came to leave Sam while expecting his child. Now it was evident that she had nothing to worry about.
"Jordan huh? Cute. The kid looks like a witch or someone shrank Sam into a baby."
Rachel smiled.
"He looks just like Sam. Dean, he acts like the two of you. Its so funny. I named him Jordan Samuel Winchester. I wanted to give him something of Sam in case he never was part of his life."
Dean smiled.
"I don't think that you will have to worry about that."
Rachel looked down at her feet as Cas appeared on the other side of the room with Jordan in his arms. The baby was clutching a stuff goat as he looked at his mother with a big grin. Cas looked sheepishly at his friends.
"We went to the petting zoo. I figured that the stuffed goat was a more feasible option then bringing the real goat that he made friends with. Don't worry I washed his hand thoroughly too."
Dean's eyes winded.
"Damn right, that is a better option. We don't need any goats crawling around here."
The following few hours passed without much detail. Cas had made a crib for Jordan. Rachel got the baby fed and to sleep without minimal issues. Dean watched with a smirk on his face.
"Guess its time for me to get a Worlds Greatest Uncle cup."
"Time will tell on that one."
Both Rachel and Dean turned to see Sam at the door. He didn't look at emotionally distraught as he did earlier but still looked clearly upset. Dean looked between his brother and Rachel carefully.
When Sam and Rachel became an official couple and was no just sleeping together to feel something Dean wanted to give them both a thank you card! He had watched two go from being inseparable as children to going through their awkward teen years as friends. When Sam went off to college and got serious with Jess, it devastated Rachel. She was too good of a woman to say it though.
"As long as he's happy."
She had said to Dean on numerous occasions. Rachel started hunting hardcore at this point. She had done numerous cases with John and Dean no to mention countless with her father. Any time Sam was mentioned, she would instantly change the subject
Now here Sam and Rachel stood in a completely awkward silence that left Dean feeling miserable too. Dean couldn't help feeling like this whole situation should have happened differently! If Sam hadn't lost his soul then he could have been with Rachel throughout her pregnancy. He could have been that good dad that Dean always suspected that he would be. Sam wouldn't be a John Winchester!
"We'll I think Cas and I are gonna go have a beer."
Dean said casually. Cas looked up with a confused frown.
"In your room? Why?"
Dean rolled his eyes,
"Because Cas! We are trying new things."
Cas looked between Sam and Rachel before finally catching Dean's drift and following him into the bedroom.
Sam finally looked up when he heard the door close.
"Kind of stating the obvious but we need to talk Rachel."
Rachel nodded.
"Yes, we really do."
Rachel didn't make any move to get closer to Sam for a few minutes. Sam watched her carefully.
"Rachel, I'm not going to hurt you if you get closer. I don't know what to say to you. There aren't enough I'm sorrys in the world for all the things that I have done to you! I don't even know what to say to you honestly."
Sam watched her face for any signs of rejection or disgust. Deep down he feared that she would see him as a freak now. Would she see him as some abomination that should have never been born? Now here she was with his baby. Sam couldn't help but be afraid that the baby was going to be just as fucked up as he was.
"Sam, I know you are mad. I can see it on your face. You can yell if you want. Scream if you have to."
Sam's eyes rolled up to hers. His face looked totally stunned by her words.
"Why would I yell at you? I should be apologizing to you for the rest of my life. Rachel, you know that I would have never done any of the horrible things if I was normal. I would never hurt you intentionally. Rachel, I'm prepared to do whatever I have to...to prove to you that I love you and our son. If you want me to quit hunting so we can give him a normal life I will."
Rachel stepped closer to Sam. She ran her fingers tentatively over his forearms and was relive when Sam sighed.
"Sam, I am not asking you to give up your life for us. If I needed anymore clues to know that my Sam is back that was all I needed."
Sam closed his eyes, looking almost like he was breathing for the first time.
"I've dreamed of hearing those words come out of your mouth for so long now. I heard you tell Dean that you gave Jordan my name."
Sam watched her face for any dissatisfaction with the fact that he had been eavesdropping on her conversation with Dean. Instead she smiled. Sam's heart began to beat fast just seeing her smile.
"He needed something of you. Did you hear Dean's comment about his world greatest uncle cup?"
Sam chuckled as he reached out and lifted Rachel onto the counter.
"I may go have one made that says world okayest uncle. You know just to mess with him."
Sam quickly sealed the space in between them.
"You're going to make him cry."
Rachel said in a soft whisper as Sam's body came closer to hers. She knew that she should have stopped him but she couldn't. Something about just having Sam that close to her was almost euphoric.
"You look so beautiful. If I hadn't seen out son, I would have never thought that you were pregnant."
Sam leaned his head down resting his forehead against Rachel's.
"Are you coming onto me Sam Winchester?"
Rachel whispered. Breathing in his scent, Rachel was ignoring the voice in her head screaming at her to stop. This wasn't smart! They didn't need to be doing this far this fast. However, here they were almost to kiss on the counter. Sam stood in between her legs as close to her body as he could get.
"Mhm
The moment Sam's lips met hers Rachel melted against him. She didn't fight back instead she eagerly kissed him back. All of her voices of reason had been turned off or had gone silent all together.
Sam tightened his hold on her hips. His hand squeezing at her sides before reaching up and running along the waist band of her leggings.
"We should stop."
Sam finally said against her lips. Rachel moaned, stroking Sam's chest and stomach through his shirt. Both knew this was a bad idea but at the moment neither cared. So what if they had been through some of the roughest shit imaginable in a relationship and Sam just found out that he was a father? Right now being close was the best thing imaginable! All Sam wanted was to be close to her and he was about to all right. Sam wanted his woman however he could have her! Standing up, sitting down, in the bed, or on the fucking Costner top…it didn't matter to him one bit!
"Yeah, we should."
Rachel replied. She didn't let her lips move vary far from Sam's as he increased his leverage pulling her tighter against him. Their make out sessions often ended with Rachel sitting on some higher surface. With her only coming to Sam's chest; stand up makeout sessions only went so far.
"I don't want to though."
Sam mumbled pressing his lips to hers again. Rachel reached up tugging at the buttons on his shirt.
"Jordan won't be awake until around 5. We have time."
Sam's eyes rolled in the direction of one of the guest rooms.
"Hope he sleeps hard."
Sam didn't give Rachel time to object before lifting her into his arms and caring her into his bedroom slamming the door.
Meanwhile, Dean and Cas in the bedroom across from each other.
"Do you suppose we can leave this room soon? What do you think they are doing?"
Dean looked up from the beer that he had been drinking.
"Right about now Cas they are about to rip each others clothes off."
Cas frowned.
"Isn't it a bad idea for them to be making love this quickly?"
Dean shrugged.
"Eh who knows? It probably is because I guarantee you Rachel has more surprises to pull out of her bag. I don't' mean that in a bad way either. Rachel and Sam's best solutions to any of their problems is getting naked and screwing each other senseless."
Cas leaned back against the wall.
"Wouldn't it be suitable for them to work out their problems then do their activities."
Dean laughed hard.
"Cas there is a lot of things that would have been more suitable then the way that they are turning out but it is what it is! Right now my only hope is Rachel being on some form of birth control."
Cas looked thoughtful.
"Would it be rude to go give Sam a condom?"
Dean raised an eyebrow.
"I would give you ten dollars if you did but I am going to tell you to stay in here. I'm making a note to clean the counter top in the morning before I start cooking breakfast."
Meanwhile,
Rachel found herself naked in Sam's neatly made bed while he hovered over her dressed in only his blue jeans. Sam's mouth kissed heated patterns down her neck and over her breasts.
"Sam, please."
She whimpered as one of his large hands stroked up her thigh before making contact with her wet folds.
"That's it baby. Say my name baby just like that."
Sam moaned against her stomach. He continued his slow assault of caresses before pushing two fingers inside. Rachel's eyes snapped open as she cried out. Sam only gave her a moment to adjust before increasing his pace on her body.
Rachel tried to keep her eyes open to see how Sam looked at her. She was hoping that he wouldn't notice the scar on her stomach and it for some reason turn him off. That thought was tossed out the window the moment Sam pressed his face between her legs. His tongue mimicked the previous motions of his fingers.
Sam didn't remain between her legs too long before quickly standing up and undoing his jeans. Kicking them to the floor, his gaze focused back on his lover,
"Are you on some kind of birth control?"
Rachel nodded.
"Oh yeah, no more 9 pound babies for us anytime soon."
Sam winced before taking his place between her legs again.
"Yeah, not a good plan."
He quickly leaned down for another kiss as he aligned himself to her entrance. Rachel focused her attention back on Sam's kiss and tangled her fingers in his hair. She knew this was about to hurt some. Sam was no little guy and her body had been severally neglected for quite some time.
The moment Sam pushed in, he froze the moment her fingers tightened in her hair. It didn't take long to have Rachel withering beneath him crying his name.
"We have a lot of this making up to do."
Rachel moaned as Sam flipped over on his back and thrusting up into Rachel. Her hands grasped at the headboard.
"Baby you have no idea what hell I have been through the past few months."
Looking down at him it took all Rachel had not to come. Sam's already well built body looked even bigger in the moonlight.
"I'm sure it was the same hell that I have been under. Toys just aren't the same."
Rachel groaned, digging her hips harder into his. Sam's eyes snapped open.
"Fuck! The thought of you using toys…damn it!"
His thrusts became quicker and Rachel knew there was no way he would last much longer. Reaching behind her, Rachel let her hands massage over his balls. That's all it took to send Sam into a downward spiral. Sam's arms wrapped around her, pulling her down against his body as he filled her. It only took a few more thrusts for Rachel's walls to be swelling around him.
Rachel waited until Sam pulled out of her to push her brown hair out of her face. Sam kicked off the sheets and adjusted himself around Rachel. He wrapped an arm around her pulling her close.
"Are you going to be here when I get up?"
Rachel nodded.
"I'm not going anywhere except to feed your son who eats like his uncle."
Sam laughed.
"Oh boy that isn't a good thing. Rach, us making love like this, it wasn't to get myself off. I want us to work out. I want it for us and for Jordan."
Rachel reached up cupping his cheek.
"I want it too Sammy."
Sam pressed a kiss to her forehead before laying back against the pillow. He kept his eyes open until he knew Rachel was sleeping. Sam lay awake for a while longer mentally hoping that in the morning Rachel wouldn't end things forever or realize that she made a mistake sleeping with him again.
What he didn't know what Rachel lay thinking the same thing. She knew she wouldn't regret sleeping with Sam this quickly. Rachel knew that she was still in love with him but what if Sam regretted once he found out everything that happened while they were apart? What if when he found out everything that he had done without a soul tore them apart further.
It was going to be a busy night for Chuck, wherever, he was with all the prayer that he was getting from Sam Winchester and Rachel Singer.