I will fear no evil!
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN CALL OF DUTY.
The gates of Schloss Totentanz were blockaded with a ridiculous amount of rubbish, and years of neglect had made them stiff - the four of them alone could never hope to escape. They sat together in a single table, in the great hall, trapped from the inside - indeed, they were trapped in the valley of the shadow of death, and the only way they could keep their wits about them was to fight. The four, in fact, had only happened upon one another by chance - subject to the wiles of the sadistic government, they were transported to this abandoned castle in Germany, once a bustling tourist hotspot. Given only a M1911 pistol, some grenades and a knife each, they were instructed by a man in a lab coat to "play nice or die."
The four of them formed a ragtag bunch. Rodion Ivanov, a former Soviet soldier in his forties, was the first to be abducted, during a secret raid on some village in Siberia. Shafeeq Jones, a fat black man with an enormous afro, embittered by years of racial prejudice, was second - infuriated at the white man, his first impulse, upon being transported, was to shoot the other three test subjects. The third, Father Alexander, a young priest with amber hair and sea-blue eyes, was next to go; after being discovered in bed with a seventeen-year-old boy, the government offered him two choices: expose him and let him live with the shame, or cooperate. A twenty-five-year-old French girl, Lucie Lacroix, heavy with child, was last. With a bastard child on the way and no means of earning her own keep apart from prostitution, she had no choice but to comply with the demands of the federal agent who came to her door one winter day.
The Russian was the first to take action. "We want to get out of here, yes? The door of this coffee shop is stuck, and there's rubble, but there's no knowing what we'll find there. Everyone grab a weapon."
As soon as all present picked up his or her pistol and knife, there was a crack. Through one of the boarded-up windows, they saw a grayish-colored hand reaching through. When one of the boards came down, they realized why they were each given a gun: two members of the walking dead in Nazi regalia were attempting to rip down the boards. Shafeeq was the first to spring into action. "AW HELL NAW!"
Leaping to his feet and pointing his pistol to the side, he attempted to cap the two zombies. His aim, however, was poor, and though he managed to blast off one of the zombies' hands, they still continued their steady attack. In the distance, out in the snow, another zombie approached, marching in goosestep. Ivanov joined his companion and raised his firearm. "Here. Let Russian soldier show Negro how to shoot."
Blasting the first two zombies in the face, he emptied the rest of his ammo clip into the third zombie. Looking to the two other survivers cowering in the corner, he shouted, "Woman! Priest! Will you fight?"
"She's pregnant! And I can't kill anyone, I'm a man of the cloth!" At that, Father Alexander pulled out a small Bible and began to pray.
The Russian grabbed the priest's Bible and threw it out the window. "Don't you get it? There is no God here!" Turning away from the offended priest, he moved to replace the boards blocking the window.
While this was going on, Lucie crawled into the kitchen. Finding two double-barrelled shotguns and two M16s, she whistled to the other three. Taking an M16 for herself, she ran to the dining room and stood guard at another window, where more zombies were attempting to enter. As the three men ran to the kitchen, she attempted to fire through the boards. Lacking the strength to persevere, she tired quickly and fell back. Father Alexander was the first to come to her rescue, knifing a zombie attempting to step into the room. "We have to go! Let's try to clear the rubble!"
As Ivanov and Shafeeq ran to pry open the door and Lucie fell back, holding onto her stomach, Father Alexander continued to fight until only one zombie was left. Slicing open the zombie's leg, he managed to prevent the creature from coming any closer. With another slash, he sliced off the zombie's penis. It was enormous - about ten inches in length, it was enough to catch the attention of the priest. He gazed longingly at it. Bending down, he even deigned to poke it. It reminded him of the night of passion that had occurred a few weeks before; who would have known a seventeen-year-old could be so big?
"Father, the entrance is clear, we have to go!" Lucie turned to the mesmerized cleric. Shafeeq had already escaped, and Ivanov was making for the entrance himself. "Father, LOOK OUT!"
As Father Alexander bent over the glorious zombie penis, two zombies managed to assault him from the rear. He was caught in a compromising position - too slow to attack, he found himself quickly overwhelmed. Lucie charged in an attempt to save him, but was quickly caught by Ivanov, who dragged the screaming girl out the door. Taking Lucie by the arm, the Russian ran down the hall, frantically looking for an exit. He found none, and he was exhausted. The group ran and ran, corridor after corridor, until they found their way into the castle's throne room. They were met by Shafeeq, who was busy boarding up the windows and blasting zombies. Suddenly, two black dogs ran into the store, eliciting from the black man an annoyed groan. "Oh God DAMN!" Shooting the first one in the head, he attempted to kick away the second, but was quickly knocked onto his back.
Ivanov turned to help the black man, but suddenly, Lucie let out a pained cry. "Monsieur Ivanov, I'm giving birth!"
"WHAT!" Shafeeq let out another sigh of annoyance. Shooting the dog in the mouth, he threw his hands up in the air. "Aw HELL naw! First you white devils be kidnappin an honest brotha, now dis cracka bitch be havin little cracka babies in dis muhfuggen castle? Jesus, WHY you be doin this?"
Ivanov looked at the poor woman writhing on the floor in pain, then turned to the negro on the floor. Getting on his hands and knees, he looked at the mother, pointing his pistol at the window. "Okay, you stay with me, yes? Push. PUSH, DAMN YOU!"
The baby was successfully delivered, and the former Spetsnaz caught it with one arm. With the other, he grabbed Shafeeq, who was quickly being overrun by a horde of the walking dead. Passing the baby to its mother, he grabbed his M16 and sprayed them with bullets, before boarding the window shut. "This is nothing - in Mother Russia, I had to kill an entire troop of Nazis with four men on my back, while raping twelve virgins at the same time!"
"Dat's all well and good, whitey, but we's finna get ate if we don't hurry and find sum new guns! I'm outta ammo!"
Ivanov and Lucie, however, were on their feet and exploring the surrounding rooms, frantically searching for anything that could help them. They were in luck - Ivanov was the first to discover an AK-47 in a chapel, and Lucie discovered a Dragunov and two HS-10 shotguns nearby. Taking all three for herself, she ran, infant in her arms, and passed Shafeeq her second pistol and M16. The three survivors then regrouped and decided on a new plan: they would make a run for the garden and attempt to flee there, in search of more weapons. The two men rammed into the door with all their might, breaking it open and revealing the untended garden before them. Ahead lay a labyrinth of untended plants and statues, and at the entrance of the maze, surrounded by white roses, was the skeleton of a British soldier. In his hands was a radio.
"Lieutenant Wills! Report in, Lieutenant Wills! This is Headquarters. The weapon is in the center of the maze, beneath the angel statue, your mission is to retrieve it now, I repeat, your mission is to retrieve it now!"
The three stared at the radio, before looking at the maze ahead of them. Ivanov was the first to move, grabbing the radio and entering. However, he had taken no more than three steps when he heard the groans of the undead. Looking behind him, he saw a horde of zombies, running at them, flanked by a pack of hellhounds. Shafeeq snatched the baby from Lucie's arms and threw it to the horde. It let out the mother of all screams, but suddenly fell silent, while the horde feasted. Taking out a grenade, he threw it amidst them and ran, followed by the other two; Lucie's eyes were wet with tears. Deeper and deeper into the maze they scurried, until at last the black man tired and fell to the ground. Producing a bottle of Kool-aid and a watermelon from his afro, he began to eat.
"Monsieur Jones, what the hell were you thinking? First, you kill my only son, and now you slow us down!"
"Well, lil white lady, lemme tell you somethin'. Fo' forty-sumthin' yeahs ah been the slave of all yous white Simon Legrees! It's jus one less cracka in the worl'! Oh lawd, I gots to find me sum chikinz..." At that, he ran off on his own.
A few seconds later, they heard him shriek. "OOH LAWDY! DEY'S DOGS IN DIS HIYAH MAZE! HEEEEELP! WHITEY, HEEEELP!"
Ivanov and Lucie merely turned their backs and walked through the maze. As they ambled through, they were exhausted, listlessly shooting at every zombie they could find. Distraught by the loss of her infant, Lucie held back tears, twice being blindsided by members of the walking dead. When at last they reached the center of the maze, they looked up at the angel statue. At its feet was a peculiar-looking weapon, the likes of which neither had seen before. On its side, the word "Wunderwaffe" was written in scratched silver lettering. The Spetsnaz was the first to touch the weapon, seizing it from the angel's feet. Throwing his M16 aside, the soldier nodded to the Frenchwoman, and turned to leave. As they did, however, they encountered a group of twenty zombies; some were crawling on the ground, their bodies seemingly loaded with gases, ready to explode. Others marched in goosestep, and others still led with a rapid charge. Ivanov pulled the trigger. The Wunderwaffe released a single bolt, killing the entire horde in the process. Eyes widened in awe, the soldier ran through the maze, Lucie close at hand. When they finally escaped, he handed the woman the gun.
"Here. We find shelter somewhere else. Storm's coming. I think you need this more than me."
"Monsieur Ivanov, I'm not sure I understand..."
"No windows in the dungeon. We hide in the dungeon and rest for the night. You take care of yourself, I can fight."
They ran back into the castle, past the throne room, down another corridor, and down the stairs, into an art gallery. Two marble statues made in the likeness of Hades and Persephone stood guard at the entrance, and ahead was another collapsed hallway; there was enough space for Lucie to crawl. The young woman leaned against the wall, next to a painting of Leda and the Swan. Shaking her blonde hair, she looked at Ivanov. "Why do you suppose the American government put us here?"
"American government was always corrupt. They create illusion of freedom, but torture people like us."
At that though, several zombies, too many to count, appeared. Lucie fired a series of bolts at the horde, but they would not relent. They were quickly overwhelmed. Ivanov was knocked onto his back, and despite Lucie's efforts to drag him away, she could not outrun the horde. They swarmed around the two, and death was imminent. Ivanov looked at his companion. "Go. Crawl through there and run."
"What? Monsieur, I don't understand..."
Pulling a bottle of vodka from his coat, he nodded at Lucie. "You survive." Taking a sip of the vodka, he threw the bottle a few meters away. Pushing Lucie back, he pulled out a match, pulled himself to his feet, and urged Lucie to run. When at last she made a fair distance, he threw the match onto the vodka, drew his AK-47, and opened fire.
The woman scurried away as fast as she could, crawling through the small space and frantically looking for shelter, running and running until the sound of guns stopped. She found it - at the end of a winding series of corridors was the entrance to the castle's dungeon. As she ran inside, she fell to the floor and burst into tears. In the span of several hours, she had witnessed four people die, including her own newborn babe. Hundreds had died at her hands, and she was alone, with a Wunderwaffe and a pair of shotguns. Fearing for her own life, she was trembling on the floor. It started to rain; as lightning flashed, she looked up to see two zombies, a hellhound, and a crawler leering at her.
It was enough to send her into a fit of sound and fury. Leaping to her feet, she aimed her twin shotguns at the hellhounds and fired away, before kicking at the two crawlers. More and more zombies approached, and she was prepared to fight to the death. Firing away until both guns clicked, she drew her Wunderwaffe and fired. In a single shot, she cleared the entire horde. At last, only a single zombie remained; with both of its legs blasted away, it made a pathetic attempt to scratch at the woman's ankles. She stabbed it in the face and bisected its skull.
Sighing, Lucie slammed the dungeon door and drew the bolt. She was surprised, however, by a single Nazi zombie, which slammed her to the ground. Lifting up her skirt, it let its trousers drop and inserted its rotting zombie penis into the struggling girl. Then, another zombie crawled up to her, sliding next to the first and inserting its half-phallus into the poor girl. A hellhound broke down the door and ran in, fucking Lucie doggy-style. More and more zombies came, and as the first zombie broke his penis off inside her, another took its place. Sobbing, she closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep. She couldn't; the maggots crawling around in her vagina kept her wide awake as the Nazi zombies continued their steady march.