Ranma
1/2: AGSoF[1];
Chapter 1,
I
now pronounce you man...
I
mean, woman and
wife!
Ranma wasn't scared. After all, it wasn't like
there was anything to be afraid of. It was just a wedding. After all that he'd
been through, a wedding was nothing. Try beating the Seven Lucky God Martial
Artists. Or that pipsqueak Prince Toma and his guys. That was tough. Ranma had done so many
things so much more dangerous(Playing
taste-tester to Akane, said the part of his mind that usually got him beat
up by his tomboy of a fiancee). He'd even beaten that stupid cat-demon(shudder).
And, perhaps most impressive of all, he'd survived his father's rather
eccentric(totally insane) and somewhat unproductive(stupid and pointless)
training methods (torture). And,
Ranma thought, the (Counts on
fingers) one hundred seventy-five...no,
seventy-seven fiancees he has saddled me with. And their relatives.
This was only a wedding. No big deal. Ranma
wasn't scared.
He
was terrified.
...
As Nabiki walked into Akane's room, her eyebrow
shot up in an unsurprised kind of shock. The room was a mess. Every breakable
object was broken, and the unbreakable ones were getting
worried.
Debris from various knickknacks and ruptured
stuffed animals mixed with plaster and wood from the broken sections of the
walls and ceiling. The bedframe had lost a valiant struggle to retain its shape,
and had collapsed in a flood of mattress stuffing and broken box springs. Alone,
adrift on the wreck of a more-or-less intact desk(less would be more accurate)
lay a picture frame, which rested calmly, untouched by the carnage around
it.
The cause of all this destruction was a short,
nineteen year-old girl, who lay curled up in a fetal position, crying her eyes
out, her sobs occasionally punctuated by a muttered
"Baka!".
"Hello, Akane," said Nabiki wryly, "I take it
you're having second thoughts?"
"I'm NOT going to marry that HENTAI!" yelled the
girl at a volume that would have put a drill sergeant to shame, "Never! Not
gonna do it! I won't mar-"
"So don't," interrupted her sister, who leaned
casually against the doorframe.
"-ry that pervert and you can't mak...huh?"
Akane stopped in mid-word, struck speechless.
"If you don't want to marry him, than don't. It
is your wedding, after
all."
"B-b-but father..."
"Akane, it isn't daddy who has to say 'I do'.
It's you. The only reason for you to marry Ranma is because you want to." Nabiki
stood up straight and began walking away. Halfway out the door, she turned her
head and spoke over her shoulder. "If you do, I'd suggest you hurry up and get
ready. The wedding IS only a couple of hours from now." She turned back and
walked casually down the stairs, softly humming the wedding
march.
"WHY WOULD I WANT TO-" Akane stopped, as
confusion and a strange, terrifying realization warred for supremacy in her soft
brown eyes. So softly that it was almost inaudible, she whispered.
"Why
would I want to marry
him?"
...
Ranma groaned mentally as his mother walked into
the room, dragging the heavily bruised forms of Soun Tendo and Genma Saotome's
panda body by their ears. Not that Ranma didn't love his mother. It was just
that he didn't think he could stand another of her 'Do-or-Die'(Ha! Ranma thought) speeches.
"Ranma, my son," began Nodoka, as she sat down
on the futon across from him, "I will not force you to marry
Akane."
"Mom, I've heard it all before, I underst- huh?
What'd you say?" Ranma stuck a finger in his ear, mistrusting his
hearing.
"I have come to the realization that perhaps
Akane is not the one for you. If not, it would be a tragedy for you to wed."
Nodoka's face softened slightly. "Your happiness, and that of Akane, mean much
more than your father's promise, or the fate of the Tendo Dojo." Nodoka turned
in her seat and glared at her Soun and the cringing panda. "Correct, most
honored husband and friend Soun?" She punctuated the question by half drawing
her katana, then slamming it home in the scabbard. Soun and Genma audibly gulped
and quickly nodded.
"So, my son, I will leave you now; so that you
may decide what you shall do. Remember, I will love you no matter what your
decision is." Nodoka embraced Ranma, then silently walked out of the room,
dragging the two fathers out with her.
Ranma remained silent, his brain working at
breakneck speed. I can go back to
China...or move out on my own...or travel the world...or go back home- Ranma
faltered a bit, wondering where home was, if not the Tendo Dojo. I can do whatever I want...I'm completely
free!
One thought, however, brought him up
short.
But...she's
so cute when she smiles...
...
Akane, still lost in thought, suddenly realized
that she was covered in plaster dust and other debris. "Wedding or no," she
stated wryly to the empty air, "I am going to get cleaned up!" Giggling
slightly, she jumped up, grabbed a towel from the linen closet, and headed for
the bathroom.
...
"Feh. All this thinkin's giving me a headache,
And, even if I'm not gonna marry that tomboy, I really need a shower. I've been
sweating like a black pig lost in the Sahara. (Double Ha! Ranma thought, recalling his
last 'talk' with Ryoga)
With a snicker at his P-chan pun, Ranma jumped
up and rocketed out the door at his usual mach ten. Picking up a towel on the
way, he kicked the partway open bathroom door out of his way as he tugged on his
shirt.
...
Akane shivered as the freezing water cascaded
over her chest and shoulders. Kami-sama,
that's cold! she thought, rubbing her goose-bump covered shoulders. She
stood up quickly, eager to immerse herself in the hot water that filled the
bathtub, when suddenly the door swung open...
Ranma walked into the bathroom, but he stopped
short as his eyes met Akane's. He was trapped, his eyes locked with hers. He
couldn't understand why he'd never seen it before... Her eyes were so deep, like
soft brown pools of laughter and kindness. Emotions, thoughts, life flickered inside Akane's eyes,
shadows of a beautiful soul, a beautiful person that
Ranma...
Suddenly, a stray thought, accompanied by a
strong feeling of Deja Vú, caught up with Ranma and induced him to take a quick
glance at his current situation. A realization settled over Ranma like a
noose.
I'm
dead.
Akane couldn't stop staring. Ranma's eyes were
so hard. So strong. Not a glimpse of weakness within them. And yet, as he stared
back at her, his eyes softened. There was...something...a kindness to his eyes,
Akane decided. Some hidden gentleness of the soul. His absolute self-confidence,
his stubborn will were as much in evidence, but they were not the core of his
being, as many believed, though they were as much a part of him as the rest.
Suddenly, a cold breeze brought Akane out of her
trance. Deja Vú gave way quickly to Akane's rage, and one thought stood out in
her mind.
He's
dead.
...
Ranma closed his eyes, bracing himself as Akane
drew back her fist. After a long moment, he opened them again, surprised to find
himself uninjured.
Akane's eyes were tightly shut, her fists
tightly clenched to her sides. To Ranma's amazement, she was shaking. It looked
like she was crying...until, suddenly, she burst out in uncontrollable laughter.
Gales of giggles, snorts, and hysterical shrieks issued forth from Akane's
throat as she rolled around on the tiled floor.
"Akane?" Ranma asked in a very worried tone,
"Are you okay? What's goin' on!?" Ranma was near panic, sure that his fiancee
had lost her mind.
"Ba...Baka..." panted Akane, out of
breath.
"Hey! Why d'ya gotta insult-" Ranma broke off at
Akane's raised hand.
"We're both idiots. We've been... fighting for
three years... because of one... stupid... accident!" She collapsed into
helpless laughter once again.
Ranma snorted. Easy for her to laugh, he thought, she's not the one who got clobbered for it!
But the happy grin that followed her laughter somehow took away much of his
resentment. "Kawaii..."
Akane looked up expectantly. "Don't you mean
'Kawaii Kunee'?"
A confused and thoughtful look covered Ranma's
features as he replied. "No... I never did, really..."
Silence suddenly filled the bathroom. Both Akane
and Ranma struggled with themselves, trying to break the
silence.
"Ranma, do you...?" "Hey, Akane, do you...?"
The two fell silent once more. Slowly, all the
while staring deeply into the other's eyes, they softly spoke as
one.
"Do
you want to marry me?"
...
As if in a dream, Ranma's entire life flashed
before his eyes. First the long, lonely training with his father. Becoming
friends with Ukyo, then suddenly leaving for some strange reason of his
father's. The pit of starved cats, the cursed spring. Being chased out of China
by Shampoo. And then, there was the Tendo family. And
Akane.
"Hi!
I'm Akane. Want to be friends?"
...
Akane felt as if time had slowed to a crawl,
allowing her to review every single memory of her life with Ranma. She
remembered all his insults, his thoughtlessness, his perverted ways(although how
many of those, she wondered, were
just accidents?). But, far, far stronger in her memories were the good ones; the
way he always protected her, even at great cost to himself(flashback to Toma's
spring), the way he was always there for her (he might complain, but he always
helped in the end) The way his face had softened when he told
her...
"You
know, you're cute when you smile."
...
Ranma, decision made, cleared his throat and
began to speak. "Akane, I l-love y-" He got no farther than that before one
hundred fifty-two pounds of cold, soaking wet Akane glomped onto him in a flying
bear hug. "I love you too, Ranma!" whispered Akane fiercely, tears of joy
squeezing out from beneath her tightly closed eyelids.
"A-Akane...c-can't...breathe..." Ranma squeaked
as he felt his ribs creak, "l-loosen
up..."
Reluctantly, Akane let go. Ranma straightened
up, and quickly swept her up in a hug of his own. "I love you too, you crazy
tomboy!" His face became more serious, as he went down on one knee and softly
began to speak, "Will, you Akane Tendo," Ranma quickly glanced around, "Without
nobody, not a father, a mother, a sister, nobody makin' you, marry me?"
Eyes glistening, Akane replied softly. "As long
as you will, Ranma, without anyone making
you."
Finally at peace with each other, their
engagement, and their hearts, Akane and Ranma tenderly embraced.[2]
...
After a long moment, the couple separated. Akane
gave Ranma a quick peck on the cheek, then half-skipped into the bathroom and
started to dry herself off. "Ranma," she said, her voice muffled slightly as by
the towel, "I don't think we have time to finish our baths... I'm going to go
get ready."
Ranma started to agree with her, but changed his
mind at the last second. "Ummm... you go ahead, Akane. I better finish my
bath."
"Why..." Akane growled in a menacing tone,
pausing in the middle of pulling off her shirt, "Isn't our wedding a bit more
important than your personal hygiene?"
Sensing the icicles that had crept into his
fiancee's tone, Ranma rather hurriedly interrupted. "NO! No, o' course not, that's not it at
all... it's just...well... what would people say about
this?"
Akane blushed as her gaze followed Ranma's
pointing finger to his chest, which had sprouted two rather feminine appendages.
"Oops," muttered Akane. "Sorry bout that."[3]
...
Hours later, a battered, bruised, and rather
cranky Akane and Ranma stood before the altar of the wedding chapel. Ranma's
tuxedo was missing about half a coattail, and Akane's beautiful dress had gone
from a floor-length to a knee-length, but they were otherwise in good
condition.
They'd made it past Gosunkugi's death traps
fairly easily (Although the bear traps and Tiger pit had made the aforementioned
alterations to Akane's dress). Next, they had to deal with the entire Kuno
family, who, luckily, had not been much on teamwork (In fact, they soon forgot
Akane and Ranma, as the 'Black Rose' and 'Blue Thunder' turned to the
destruction of their father). Under the cover of the resulting clouds of shaven
hair and black petals, Akane and Ranma shook their heads and walked away; the
one giggling helplessly, the other muttering the word 'Baka,' over and over
again under his breath.
Next came the fiancees. Shampoo tried yet again
to erase Akane's memory, but was stopped cold; under her veil, Akane wore her
father's Samurai helmet. After dealing with Shampoo, Ukyo made her appearance.
However, she wasn't there to fight.
"Ran-chan," stuttered Ukyo, her eyes fixed on
the ground, "I- I understand. I c-can see now how much you and Akane... l-love each other... I w-wish you both the
b-b-best."
Suddenly, Ukyo burst into tears, smashed Ranma
into a nearby hedge (to which he lost his left coattail) with her huge spatula,
and, with a tearful "Goodbye!", leapt across the rooftops into the
sunset.
Then Asuza and Mikhado attacked them for no
particular reason that they could comprehend.
But they had finally made it. Ranma and Akane
were finally there, in front of their families, a few close friends, and a
kindly old pastor, and nothing was going to stop them now.
...
"And if anyone has some reason why this couple
should not be wed, let them speak now, or forever hold their
pea-"
Suddenly, the doors to the chapel burst inward
as Ryoga smashed his way in and yelled, "I do! Because I LOVE AKANE TENDO!" at
the top of his lungs.
A silence fell over the shrine. "And what,
exactly," asked the grandfatherly priest, as he replaced his wooden sword within
his long, white robes and brushed back his long, silver ponytail, "does that
have to do with my grandson's wedding?"
Ryoga looked up at the altar, where the veiled
bride stood next to a medium-sized man whose brown hair was pulled up in a short
pigtail, but who otherwise bore little resemblance to
Ranma.
"Oops," murmured the blushing Ryoga, and he sat
down in the nearest pew, as the elderly priest continued the ceremony. Ryoga,
his curiosity getting the better of him, stared at the couple. That's funny, thought Ryoga, that guy doesn't look very surprised. He
acts like he's used to having total strangers just crash into his life and ruin
everything. Poor guy.
[4]
The bride's attire. The dress she wore covered
not only her face, but her hair as well, making it impossible to tell what she
looked like.
Suddenly, the grandfatherly old man's words
interrupted Ryoga's concentration. "Do you, Tenchi, take this woman to be your
lawful wedded wife?"
The nervous husband-to-be gulped audibly, than
cleared his throat and said "I do."
"And do you,..."
At this moment, Ryoga lost interest, tuning out
his surroundings, concentrating on his grief over Akane's now certain marriage
to Akane.[5]
...
Meanwhile, at the correct chapel, Ranma and
Akane had an objector of their own to deal with. "Akane!" the football sized,
panty-seeking martial arts master cried as he flew through the doors, "Let me
caress your sweet charms one last time!"
A collective gasp rose from the crowd, then
changed instantly to one of amazement as Ranma, faster than the eye could
follow, whipped out a small, white article of clothing and flung it out through
the church's open doors. Happosai immediately changed course to intercept the
bra, catching it with a crow of triumph ("What a haul, what a haul!") as he flew
through the door...and into a cement mixer. After the applause died down, the
priest continued the ceremony.
"A cunning strategy," whispered Genma to his
wife.
Nodoka nodded, but an expression of confused
curiosity crossed her face. "Where did Ranma get that
bra?"
At Akane's blush and Ranma's smirk, Kasumi
murmured "Oh my!" under her breath.[6]
...
Finally, the Padré got to the good part. "Do
you, Akane Tendo, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, in sickness
and in health, in times both troubled and serene, till death do you
part?"
Akane looked deep into Ranma's eyes. "I
do."
"And do you, Ranma Saotome,
ta-"
Suddenly, from behind the priest, a bucketful of
water sluiced through the air, splashing Ranma head on.
"Waah!" sputtered Ranma, who immediately shifted
his now feminine body into a fighting stance, "What's the big
idea?!"
A cold, malevolent laughter filled the chapel,
as a tiny, wrinkled, ghoulish figure hopped up on the altar. "You will marry
Shampoo, Ranma."
Ranma glared at the football-sized crone for a
moment, then burst out laughing. "You think that a lil' water's gonna stop me
from marryin' the woman I love? Besides; we came prepared." Ranma turned around
and grabbed one of the church's two baptismal fonts...the fake one that secretly
contained a hot water heater. Ranma poured the water over himself, than strutted
back to his place at the altar, motioning the priest to
continue.
"Umm... Mr. Saotome...how should I put
this...you-"
Ranma interrupted the fumbling priest, "Get ON
with it! Before someone ELSE interrupts!"
"B-b-but there's something I really think you
should know..."
"WHAT!?" yelled Ranma, losing his cool.
Couldn't this guy take a hint?
"Ranma..." said Akane softly, instantly catching
his attention, "You're...still a girl."
Ranma looked down on the cackling mummy who now
perched on a pew between Soun and Genma.
"You are trapped, mukodono!" gloated Cologne,
her eyes burning in triumph. "I alone have the antidote to that extra-cursed
water...and you know my price."
With a final self-satisfied chuckle, Cologne
shot out the chapel's door...followed by the small crowd of enraged martial
artists attending the wedding. Soon, the church was empty except for Akane, the
slack-jawed priest, and Ranma, whose now delicate-looking fists were clenched
with white-knuckled intensity.
A shocked silence settled over the church. Ranma
turned his back on the altar...and on Akane. "Kami-sama..." he whispered so
quietly that Akane could barely hear him; whispered as if to deny the hated
feminine tone of his voice. "This was supposed to be our
wedding..."
Slowly Ranma turned back to Akane. He reached
out and took her hand between his, clutching it like a lifeline as the tears
rolled down his face. After a few minutes, he let go of her hand, and he slowly
walked, head held rigid, toward the door of the chapel. "I'm so sorry, Akane...I
love you more than anything..." The tears flowed down both their faces now.
"Goodbye..." he whispered.
...
Ranma was stopped by the gentle touch of Akane's
hand on his shoulder. "No. Never goodbye, Ranma. I don't care what body you're
in. I don't love a boy or a girl," she continued, her voice firm as iron, yet
filled with warmth and love, "I love a Ranma; the Ranma, who I want to marry me right
now. I don't know what is going to happen, but I am not going to lose you, not now, no
matter what!"
Ranma turned to Akane, his tears of sorrow
turning to tears of joy. "Of course I'll marry you, dummy...I love
you!"
From behind the altar, his presence long since
forgotten, the priest stood up straight and cleared his throat. "I now pronounce
you man...person and wife. You may
kiss...um...each other."
The pastor's fumbling went unnoticed,
however.
...[7]
There are three kisses that have been judged the
most sweet, loving, passionate kisses of all time. This one blew them all away,
and tied for first with Wesley and Buttercup.[8]
...
The priest wiped tears from his eyes; he always
cried at weddings. He silently tiptoed out of the church, got on his bicycle,
and smiled the whole ride home.
...
Many hours later, a large panda padded into the
chapel. The search for Cologne had been a total flop, but he had at least
achieved a personal victory (and that was the last time little Timmy ever shot a
grown-up with a super-soaker). The panda shook the water out of his fur, than
walked into the dark, seemingly empty church. Creeping into the reception hall,
he made a beeline for the untouched wedding cake...but stopped at the sight
which greeted his eyes.
Ranma and Akane were curled up in a big
armchair, their arms wrapped tightly around each other. Ranma's soft snores and
Akane's steady breathing were the only sounds to be heard in the darkened
room.
As quietly and as gently as he could, the panda
pulled a tablecloth off of a nearby table and covered his sleeping son and
daughter-in-law. Silently, so as not to wake them, he tiptoed across the hall
and out of the room.
Then tiptoed back, snatched the wedding cake in
his nimble paws, and quietly left.
*****************************************************************
Glossary
of Japanese terms:
baka:
Idiot; can also mean stupid, silly, jerk, etc.
kawaii:
Cute
kunee:
A negation, thus, where 'Kawaii' means 'cute',
'kawaii
kunee' means 'uncute'
mukodono:
Son-in-law, possibly a Chinese word
*****************************************************************
The
Anything Goes School of Author's Notes
Thank you for reading the first volume of the
AGSoF series of fanfics. As you have hopefully figured out by now, this was set
in the universe of Ranma ½, the popular Manga and Anime series by Rumiko
Takahashi. I owe her for most of this story, but I would also like to
acknowledge Hitoshi Okudo, who writes the manga series No Need For
Tenchi, for the wedding scene(And I still ain't tellin'), as well as the
writer of The Princess Bride, from whom I stole that "Three kisses"
spiel.
I originally wrote this story as a challenge to
myself: Could I write a non-perverted fanfic in which Akane and Ranma get
hitched; WHILE RANMA IS TRAPPED AS A GIRL. Yes, I plan to continue the story.
Feel free to send comments and criticism to CntFenring@aol.com. Hatemail may be
written out on paper, rolled up into a tube, and shoved into whatever orifice of
the sender's that he/she would find most uncomfortable.
I don't mind brutal criticism, but think on
this; If the best thing someone has to do is to read through this whole fanfic,
and then waste the time to send me mail just to say that it sucks, then that
person has less of a life than ME. And that would be sad.
But, as I said, genuine comments are more than
welcome, and if I screwed up, tell me so I can fix it! (It'd also be nice if you
also told me the stuff I did right.)
(P.S. Dear Mrs. Takahashi, Mr. Okudo, Viz
Communications, and whoever the heck owns the rights to The Princess
Bride; Please don't sue me, I have less money than I have
talent.)
(P.P.S. I would like to thank Frank Herbert,
Orson Scott Card, Isaac Asimov, Darren Demaine (His fanfics gave me some ideas)
and about a jillion other writers for influencing my writing and philosophy of
life. I would also like to thank my real life friends Matthew T. Poole, Tyson
CALVERT ::Snicker:: Anderson, Carolyn Lea Coney, and my mom and dad, for making
me the person I am today (For which act they will indubitably be condemned by
all humanity ;-)
Forthcoming:Ranma
1/2, AGSoF, Volume 2
The
Wrath of Kong,
or
Godzuki
Kicks Back.
[1]Anything Goes School of Fanfiction. Obviously.
[2]Anyone who wants to say that Akane is out of character may email the hand, cause the author ain't listening.(BTW, I am ignoring the two lovebirds' nudity because Akane and Ranma are ignoring it. They have better things to think of. And so should you. Perverts.)
[3](Looks like Akane REALLY wasn't paying attention... ;-)
[4]So now you know everything there is to know about Tenchi. Poor guy.
[5]Now, don't worry. Would I leave you hanging like that? Actually, yes. Nyah Nyah.
[6]He borrowed it from the hamper in the bathroom. You pervert.
[7]This next part is the part that I am still looking for the quote for. The final one will have the correct quote from the Princess Bride.
[8]So I plagiarized the Princess Bride. So sue me. Actually, please don't, because I am broke enough already.