Commander Shepard could not pinpoint where exactly his feelings had developed into something that was beyond the camaraderie that they had. Fighting the Reapers and protecting humanity had always been the top priorities in his mind. He couldn't afford to think about anything else without risking lives. The constant planning, preparing, stress and worry was all that encompassed the last few years since Anderson gave him the Normandy.
He was a soldier who dedicated his whole entire life and being to the Alliance. That's all he ever was. He knew that relationships, children, and a permanent home were not in his future. And that was the price he paid when he enlisted. He knew that. Every soldier knew that.
Shepard also knew there was never any time for the mere consideration of those feelings or desires. Maybe the occasional meaningless hookups that he partook in to release stress or anger. But not… this. Whatever this feeling was, he hadn't felt it about anyone in his past.
Especially not with his closest and dearest friends.
Somewhere along the way, the lines got blurry when it came to him. And this had been haunting him since he saw Kaidan on that bed, getting rolled to Huerta Memorial.
This… epiphany didn't occur when he was confronted by him on Eden Prime. When Kaidan came at him with that look of disappointment, his words of supposed betrayal, it made his chest hot with rage; but it did not reveal what he truly felt at that time, deep down.
Anger with Alenko had been a common occurrence since that day, and it had been no different when they reunited during their mission in the Mars Archives. Things were tense, and when he questioned him about Cerberus' motives, that was the last straw. Shepard lashed out and gave him an ultimatum: in or out. It wasn't the most delicate way to handle the situation, but constantly being questioned was becoming frustrating.
Kaidan kept doubting him, looking at him with those eyes of ice. When would he realize that every single damn thing he did, was for every sacrifice he made to not be in vain? Why didn't he understand?
The anger, however, was a mask that hid the truth: Kaidan's words hurt him. Constantly suggesting that Shepard's intentions were anything besides saving humanity was betrayal in itself. And as a result, Shepard's lashed out at him.
It was when Kaidan was an inch away from death, face bruised and beaten into a deep purple mess that he came to that realization. It wasn't until he saw that same face, unconscious and sleeping soundly in his hospital room, when his heart would drop.
As of now, he was just grateful that he was alive.
Kaidan was sleeping deeply, his heavy inhales and exhales the only thing audible in the room, with an occasional grunt of pain. His expression would tense then relax after a few seconds, as if he kept drifting in and out of consciousness along with the pain. At this moment, the usual pain in the ass, skeptical and suspicious Kaidan Alenko, was vulnerable.
And Shepard didn't know what to make of that.
Shepard's fingers twitched towards his bedside, in which he paused and withdrew his hand.
Why did you have to make it so damn hard?
He heard the doors to the room open, and turned to find one of the nurses entering with a pan of medication in one hand and a datapad in the other. The asari nurse regarded the commander with a nod.
"Commander. I didn't expect to find you here. I thought you'd be with the Council already."
Shepard crossed his arms. "I just wanted to see how he was doing before leaving. Has he been doing okay?"
After placing the medication down by the bedside, the nurse checked Kaidan's vitals with a hum, and inputted the numbers into her datapad. "His vitals have been good, however he needs to be under supervision for a bit longer until the doctor approves his release. He got beaten up pretty bad."
"Give him all the time he needs."
The nurse picked up a syringe and vial, drawing in fluid. "I'm about to wake him for his medication, if you wanted to stay a bit longer."
"Actually, I was just about to leave. Make sure he recovers well and doesn't strain himself. Knowing Alenko, he'll want to get back into action as soon as possible."
She smiled. "I can tell you care about him a lot, Commander. Farewell."
As he exited the room, his mind lingered on her words. After a few moments of contemplative thought, he shook his head and went to see the Council.