Author's Note: Just a quick thing I wrote up. Honestly, it's probably not my best work, but I wanted to throw it out there. It takes place during Edward's separation from Bella in New Moon. Basically, it's a letter he writes to her while being away from her, depressed.
A letter I'll Never Send
I need to see you, my Bella. I know I don't deserve the comfort of your eyes. I know I deserve the pain I deal with every day. More importantly, I know that I should not be there with you.
I love you, my Bella. You are the sweetness in a world so bitter. You have power as a human girl that no immortal beauty has ever been able to claim. You have warmed and unlocked my cold, cold heart. You have managed to make me feel things I never thought possible for myself.
I need you, my Bella. But I don't dare allow myself the pleasure. I was selfish, perhaps, to allow our relationship to go on as long as it did. I let you become attached to me. But it would be even more selfish to go back to you, to put you in danger, to not allow you a normal life. Each day I try to avoid that selfish desire.
I hurt you, my Bella. I saw the pain in your eyes. Please know that I never wanted to see you in such agony. But I knew it had to be done. As I watched you ache, I resisted the impulse to comfort you and stood my ground.
You changed me, my Bella. You made me smile. You made me hope. You gave me sunshine. You gave me more happiness than I should have received, more happiness than a disgusting murderer like me deserved. You showed me true beauty.
Each day I break. I miss you in a way that sort of scares me. It is so strong, seeming to knock the wind out of me with each thought of you. And I think of you almost every second of every day. I wish that I could sleep, so that I could escape from your memory, even if for just a few hours in the night.
Bella, it hurts. It hurts more than I can say. It hurts almost more than I can bear. I just want you in my arms again. I want to see the blush in your cheeks. I want to see your eyes sparkle. I want you. I want you, Bella.
I wonder what you're doing, my Bella. Are you moving on? I wonder if you've decided to give Mike Newton a try? I wonder if you're happy, if you're trying to forget about me, if you think of me frequently… I wonder if you've decided on a college. I wonder if you're going to college.
I wonder what your life plans are. I know that you're bright enough to do something incredible. Is it possible you've left Forks? Perhaps you moved back in with your mother. I guess I can't be certain that I would know. I've told Alice to stop watching for you. I almost want to take back the demand, but I force myself not to. As cruel and terrible as it may sound, I don't know if I could bear to see you happy with another man, my Bella. I can imagine it, even wish it for you, but I don't want to know it. And I don't want to watch it through my sister's head.
I miss my family, my Bella. I wish for things to be happy again. My Bella… No. You are not my Bella. You are not my anything. I have no hold on you. It's over.
For good. If I can be so strong.