The restaurant was little more than a glorified barn. This didn't stop it from being full to the brim with people. Families with screaming kids mixed with drunken, leather clad neo-cowboys and the occasional, and usually uneasy looking liberal.
In a far corner, away from the dynamics of the other patrons, a pair of young men sat down at a two-person table. In the middle of the table was a bottle of ketchup, a bottle of mustard, salt and pepper shakers, and two cups of peanuts.
The first young man grabbed a handful of peanuts and cracked them open. He threw the empty peanuts shells on the floor.
The second young man, who was tall, black, bald, and half glowing machinery, spoke first, "So, here we are again."
The first young man cracked open another shell, "Looks like it, yeah. At least I'm not in a uniform anymore."
"Black v-necks, blue-jeans, and moccasins everyday isn't a uniform?"
The first youth scowled around a mouth full of peanuts, "At least I'm not in a Subway uniform anymore."
The second youth laughed earnestly.
A waitress, barely in her 20s, walked up to the table. The faux cheerfulness in her voice nullified any meaning her words might've had in the mind of the first youth, so sadly you'll never get to know her comments verbatim.
Her shirt was low cut and she bent over enough to show an ample amount of cleavage. The second youth responded glowingly, "Well, little lady, I think I'll take a large Coke and a water."
The first youth got his head in context and pulled away from the peanuts long enough to mumble, "PBR."
Through the mind-numbing effect of her voice he managed to discern the phrase 'ID.'
Waking up slightly, the first youth looked over to the bar. He caught the eye of an older woman standing behind the counter. He snapped his fingers once as he waved. The waitress noticed and looked at the bar. The older woman shouted something across the restaurant.
The waitress was now uncomfortable enough that her words registered, "U-Okay Edith! Coke, a water, and a Pabst coming up." She hurried off to get the drinks.
The first youth, now smirking, said, "I'm surprised you didn't order a glass of motor-oil."
The second youth rolled his human eye, "Like I haven't heard that one before."
"Not when I'm writing, you haven't."
"I guess it's too bad you're vaguely aware of your peers, then."
"… at least when I masturbate my hands aren't cold metal."
"Ah, thaaaat's more like an H fic."
The older woman from the bar arrived at their table. Her smirk was ornerier than a cat in an aviary and the glint in her eyes showed the youth her body didn't, "How much longer am I gonna have to keep doing that for you, boy?"
The first youth smiled, whole and happy, at the woman, "Just till next week, Edith."
"Well after that how are we even gonna see each other?"
"I can't get a rental car till I'm 25, so next time I'm at Avis I'll prolly give you a call."
For a few seconds Edith did her best impersonation of a hyena. "So, are you gonna introduce me to your friend or not?"
"Oh, yeah. This is Cyborg, he's one of the Teen Titans."
One of Edith's grey brows rose, "The teen whats-now?'
Cyborg's brow mimicked Edith's, "You can't tell me you've never heard of the Teen Titans!"
The woman shrugged, "Another one of your weird bands?"
The first youth chuckled involuntarily, "No… don't worry about it Edith, we're in a story right now."
A look of excitement exploded onto Edith's faces, "Really? That explains all Mr. Cybore's shiny machinery! Another one of your short stories, huh boy? Is this one going into that magazine?"
The first youth simpered, "Something like that."
"Hmmm, well, I better get back to work, boy. Besides, if this is one of your stories I probably want to stay far away. No boogeyman coming to get me. Good to meet you, Mr. Cybro. Keep your shit clean, boy!"
Seconds after Edith left the waitress returned. After setting down the drinks the two men ordered the waitress darted off to the kitchen.
Cyborg sipped his Coke, "Just the Boogeyman? What about tentacle monsters, like in the old days?"
"They still show up sometimes, but it's usually in a 'OH GOD, I CAN SEE FOREVER' way as opposed to the "NO MORE SLIMEY GREEN TENDRILS WILL FIT INSIDE ME' tentacle monsters. Lovecraft rip-offs are real popular these days."
Cyborg sat back in his chair and gestured, "So then, why are you back here? You don't need us if you've got your own thing going! I thought you liked writing original fiction. It gave you room to really expand and create!"
"It does and I did, eh, do. And I even love the whole creepy, semi-horror angle I've been going with lately, but sometimes I could just use a break, y'know?"
Cyborg smirked and crossed his arms, "Five grams of psilocybe cubensis and Meza's ass last night when you should've been at work wasn't a break?"
More peanut shells littered the wooden floor, "I meant a writing break. I need to take a small break from writing every now and then so I can just, y'know, write."
The mechanical man shook his head, "Nope, no idea. Then again I never was a much of a Shakespeare."
The young man glowered. Cyborg rolled his eye.
"Fine, never much of a Marlowe."
"Thank you."
"Like I had a choice."
The responding smirk was almost audible.
"So, are we gonna get this thing started, or what?"
Another peanut shell broke open with a sharp crack.
Saint H presents:
21
The Titans were sitting in the Tower's main room. Without warning Beast Boy erupted from the couch, grasping his forehead, and screamed, "WHAT'S HAPPENING? I CAN'T CONTROL IT! BBBLLLLLAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH-"
Suddenly, tentacles everywhere.
Beast Boy exploded into a gigantic mass of quivering green flesh. Protruding from the globular core were dozens of thick, slimy tendrils, each easily twelve-foot long and three feet thick.
Robin backflipped over one of the slimy, quivering limbs. Landing deftly on the kitchen counter, the Boy Wonder flapped his cape dramatically and roared, "TITANS, Guh-"
Now, to you 'Guh' might seem a strange thing for Robin to say, but what you have to understand is that one of the tentacles shoved its way down Robin's throat.
As Robin spazzed the fuck out, several more of the warbling appendages coiled around his body, ripping off his uniform and exploring several of the lesser known parts of Robin's person.
After a minute or so of this Robin did his best attempt at a blood-curdling scream. Although his voice was badly muffled, he had been meaning to say, "NO MORE SLIMEY GREEN TENDRILS WILL FIT INSIDE ME!"
Starfire watched the passing events. She cocked her head to the side with a mischievous little smile, "Hm."
Kid Flash was a blur…
"-and then she's all, 'Screw you, Wally, I LOVE Lady Gaga!' So I'm like, 'What, you mean the Crimson King of Nightmareland? Did you see her at the VMAs? Even Marshall Mathers was shitting bri/x/!'"
Surrounding the superspeedster were several of his Titan peers, a general laughter filled the room.
"So she responds, 'She was just being different, I liked her outfit!' Of course that shouldn't have surprised me considering this woman thinks doing her hair like pink devil horns is a good idea."
Cyborg's laughter spiked.
"Of course, I'm all, 'You mean you liked his outfit.' About this time her face goes all HERP DERP DERP, so I keep at it. 'You didn't know, Jinx? Lady Gaga's a man! Have you seen that beast? Her bulge is bigger than Dave Hause's!'"
Argent cracked up loudly.
"And she responds with the general 'you're lying blah blah blah', so I just talk louder than her and keep going, 'For real, how could you not notice that he has penises?' Then she resumed her DERP face and shut up. And I all, 'Serious, Jinx, Lady Gaga has THREE penises. She's more of a man than Robin, Beast Boy and Cyborg put together!' Oh, my bad Cy!"
A blue sonic cannon blast plowed through Kid Flash's chest, leaving a smoking hole in the speedster's torso and a huge splatter of blood on the far wall.
The laughter reached its loudest point.
Starfire was watching a rampaging Beast Boy violate her boyfriend when Raven erupted off the couch, grasping her forehead, "WHAT'S HAPPENING? I CAN'T CONTROL IT! BBBLLLLLAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH-"
Raven supernova'd in an aura of deep blackness. A swirling, clear vortex appeared where she had been standing, and from the portal thousands of slithering, three-inch long digits oozed out. The noodle-esque limbs danced like epilepsy and moved in ways that defy what the human brain knows about direction. Soon they had congregated around the floating Starfire, who had remained obliviously staring at Robin's discomfort.
Only whenever the eldritch worms sunk into her skull did she realize something was wrong. Her whole body went rigid and began to vibrate energetically. Her pupils dilated to fill the entirety of her eyes. When she spoke her voice echoed as if she was shouting down a train tunnel, "DE X'HAL, I CAN SEE FOREVER!"
Teen Titans Open Mic:
Johnny Rancid climbed up on stage.
"Hey everyone. I just rode into town, and boy is your mom tired!"
"HAHAHA, THAT'S MY MOM!"
Rancid adjusted the mic, "So, how many kindergartners does it take to please Slade's appetite?"
"HAHAHA, HOW MANY?"
"None! They're all too old!"
A laser beam shot through Johnny Rancid's chest, leaving a smoking hole in his torso and blood splattered on the wall.
The laughter reached its loudest point.
In the Titans' East Tower, Aqualad spoke to Speedy, "Did you ever notice how much you and I changed from our first appearances in the series?"
Speedy was very preoccupied with holding his spoon over a lit candle, "Not really."
"I mean, in Deep Six I was this unintentional badass who could do everything! I could kick ass, take names, get women, all that stuff! I had Starfire and Raven both melting over my wetsuit! And then in all subsequent appearances I'm pretty much a whiny, impotent, Beast Boy clone!"
Speedy mumbled something about Wil Wheaton over his spoon.
"And you! In Winner Take All you were a pansy Robin clone!"
Speedy took his bloodshot eyemask off the spoon long enough to glare at Aqualad, "At least I didn't model my hair off Vegeta."
Aqualad just shrugged, "And then after that you turned into this narcissistic badboy. I mean, what is that? It shows bad story boarding and lazy writing, that's what!"
Speedy had dosed the candle and set the spoon down. The archer set something small, pointed and shiny on the table next to the spoon and got out a tourniquet, "You're just pissed we switched places."
Aqualad floundered, "Bzuh?"
Speedy worked the tourniquet up his arm, "Well, it's like you said. First off you were a do-all badass that made the women swoon and I was the main character mirror. After that I stole your thunder," he picked up the shiny thing by the spoon, "and I became the complete hardcore guy, tsss-" the archer winced, "-aaaaaahhhh… Ahem. Whoa. So, yeah, more or less you're just pissed that now I'm the one making women puddle themselves."
"Puddle?" Aqualad blushed, "Is that some sort of aqueous pun or do you mean what I think you mean?"
"Sorry, BB-Blue," Speedy sat back in his chair, "I can't deal with your innuendo-confusion right now."
"Why not?"
"Chasing the dragon…"
"…"
"…"
"…hm." Aqualad shot out of his chair and stormed out of the room, "I'll show him puddle."
Kid Flash was still a blur…
"And then, just to piss her off, I say, 'Obama? More like NObama, amirite?'"
A CIA bullet blows through Kid Flash's chest, leaving a smoking hole in his torso and blood splattered on the wall.
The laughter reached its loudest point.
Teen Titans Open Mic:
Cyborg climbed up on stage.
"Hey everybody! So I added a fifth mechanical phallus to my frame the other day. This one's located at my gooch and loops around and arcs upwards. That way, when I'm being fucked, I can fuck them too."
"HAHAHA, HE'S TALKING ABOUT SEX!"
"That wasn't even a joke. Where was the witty punchline? He's not even trying…"
Cyborg smiled and calmed the crowd, "So, I was talking to Robin the other day about growing up with the Batman. I asked him how emotionally nurturing the Batman was as a parental figure. He just started crying."
"HAHAHA, OTHER PEOPLE'S MISFORTUNE!"
"Seriously, what the fuck! These aren't even jokes, they're just bland statements of fact!"
Cyborg took a sip of water before beginning again, "So, a guy walks into a bar. He sits down and the barman asks him what he'll have. The guy orders a glass of whiskey. He's an alcoholic and it's slowly ruining his life."
"HAHAHA, I'M LAUGHING BUT I'M NOT SURE WHY ANYMORE!"
"… Oh, that's what he's going for!"
"So, wait, you're still a virgin?" Cyborg's voice held great surprise.
"Uh-huh." Terra nodded. She drank her drink loudly through its straw.
"You mean, you and BB never got funky?"
She rolled blue eyes, "Please, the kid isn't even fully mature yet. He doesn't even have pubes."
Cyborg's eyes lit up, "HAH! So you HAVE messed around!"
She smirked, "If by 'messed around' you mean walked in on him getting out of the shower, then yeah."
Cyborg sat back, grumbling.
She slurped from her drink, "What about you? You seem to get around quite a bit, Cy. Jinx, Sarasim, that Bee girl, you been gettin' any?"
Mechanical shoulders fell, "Naw, shit always got in the way. I haven't been laid since the accident."
"You ever fuck a computer?"
"What?'
Terra giggled madly. Cyborg just exhaled through a grin.
"So… what about you and Slade?"
Terra stopped giggling. Her whole face suddenly turned a fierce shade of purple.
"A-HAH! So you two did do shit!"
"I wasn't lying!" Terra retorted, "I am a virgin! But… well, we did stuff."
Cyborg waggled his eyebrows, "Like walking in on his showers?"
Terra's blush got even deeper, "No, I never saw him without his whole armor on but... h-he can do some tricks with those breathing slits…"
Cyborg's head exploded.
…
Terra's head exploded, too.
Kid Flash was still a blur...
"And then I finally get her so mad that she screams at the top of her lungs, 'Wally West if you say one more word I'm never sleeping with you again!' So of course I immediately respond with, 'Go for it babe, I'm a faggot anyway!'"
The laughter was uproarious.
"That takes her a few seconds to process, but she's so mad that she catches up and screams, 'Good! Go try for it! You're so annoying even the most flamboyant queer won't be able to stand you!' So I tell her, 'Doesn't matter, baby! I'm the goddamn Kid Flash! I'm so fast I do myself in the butt!'"
The crowd laughed even harder. Starfire fainted from hyperventilation.
"Check it!" The speedster pulled his yellow pants down around his ankles, and took off speeding in a random direction. In a fraction of a second, his blur came back from around the globe. The blur soon turned into a solid yellow line, and eventually flashes of the young hero began to appear like a slide show. Eventually…
Pop!
The crowd was dying of laughter as the after images of Kid Flash performed auto-anal.
"!"
Teen Titans Open Mic:
Raven and Starfire walked out on stage. Raven stepped up to the microphone.
"Hello. Tonight I'm going to be reciting some poetry while Starfire provides interpretive dance."
The crowd mumbled.
Raven readied herself while Starfire began doing retarded, aerial pirouettes.
Raven grabbed the mic, and at the last second a boom-box slid from under Raven's cloak.
"If you havin' girl problems I feel bad for you son! I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one!"
Starfire's clothes fell into the audience.
Speedy was cleaning up after chasing the dragon. While rinsing his spoon, a dick suddenly went up his butt.
"WHAT THE HELL?"
"WHO'S PUDDLING NOW, BITCH? WHO'S PUDDLING NOW? HAHAHAHAHA!"
"Hey Raven," Beast Boy slid into view by the gothic girl, "how about we get funky later?"
Raven didn't even bother to respond. She didn't even bother to hurt the changeling. She merely stood up and left the room, leaving the green Titan alone and thoroughly defeated.
Beast Boy flung himself into the nearest chair, grunting in frustration. He complained aloud, "How come I can never get anywhere with women?"
"You really have to ask that question?"
"EEP!" Beast Boy jumped at the purring voice. "Who said that?"
Jinx landed suddenly, quietly in the chair next to him.
"EEP!" Beast Boy jumped and dove behind the chair.
"Relax," she purred, "I'm one of you now, remember?"
Green eyes poked accusingly out of their hiding place underneath the chair, "Only because the fans like gothic stuff and therefore sympathized with you, without being old enough to realize that goth is retarded and lame!"
Jinx just shrugged, "I'm cooler than you, at least. I'm not a virgin."
The shapeshifter exploded out from underneath the couch, "ME NEITHER!"
The witch rolled pink cat eyes, "Riiight, I hear you haven't even grown adult hair yet."
The red blush looked odd on Beast Boy's green skin. He sat back down, once more defeated.
'That's what I thought." Jinx's voice was practically sing-songing.
"Jinx… wh-what makes women not like me? Besides my lack of 'adult hair'?" the young Titan asked desperately.
Jinx just grinned, "Well, for starters you'll want to shave that hair off when you get it."
"Wh-?"
"And secondly," she overroad him, "… you're wearing a bi-chromeal onesy!"
"Wh… huh? I'll have you know this is a state of the art superhero suit designed specifically for the do-gooding shapeshifter on the go!"
"It makes you look like you just learned to use the potty." Beast Boy reared up to retort before she cut him off, "Trust me, fashion is key to getting in with the ladies, and unless you're going for preschoolers I think you're a bit behind on the times…" Jinx winced, "You're, um… not going for preschoolers, are you?"
Beast Boy's face fell into pure misery, "Could you cut the crap and just help me out?"
She shrugged, "Sure. Like I said, fashion is key. It's all about what your clothes say to women."
"What do my clothes say?"
She leered at him, "I already told you, preschoolers."
"Oh, right."
The witch crossed her legs, "Take Robin for instance. He's got it going on."
Beast Boy's voice rose in mild hysterics, "What do you mean? He's wearing a supersuit too! His is way more gay than mine!"
"It's more flamboyant, but that's not a bad thing. For one, he looks fabulous, and who doesn't love a cape? But mostly, the skin-tightness of his outfit shows off all those gorgeous muscles. It says, 'I've got it, now come get it.' Honestly, that's what most heroes go for in their outfits."
"Hmm… okay. But what about another hero that's not ripped-like-Jesus? Jericho gets all the ladies and he's just as scrawny as I am!"
Jinx smiled, "Mmm, Jericho. Beast Boy, um… Jericho's look is all…. Hmm. He's got those big eyes and that messed up, blond hair and those loose clothes… um, basically his look is saying, 'Because I just woke up and am practicing my origami, I'd rather not fuck you into a sloppy mess of giggling orgasms, but I will if you promise to write poetry with me later.'"
"Oh," Beast Boy slumped down even further in his chair, "Somehow, I don't think my look will ever say any of that."
"Nope," Jinx uncrossed her legs, "Probably not."
…
"What about Wildebeast?"
"Simple," Jinx shrugged, "Furries."
Beast Boy's face brightened, "Oh, yeah!"
Both their faces fell.
Both Titans took out pistols and put them in their mouths.
BLAM!
Happy birthday to Saint H.
In lazy, tired, un-beta'd, predictable and pathetically self-referential celebration.
To 21 years of a quasi-rococo life that have been wasted well.
If you can't laugh at everything, you shouldn't laugh at anything.
Good night.