Disclaimer: Glee isn't mine... :(
The first thing I want to say is that it is my first fic in English, so let me know what you think about it, please!
The fic starts at end of the season 2. You will recognized some parts :P I'd also say it's a love fic about wemma. It's about Emma and, of course, Will's part of Emma's life ;) And M is for something.
Finally, thank aggie23 very much for the help =D
I will translate as soon as I can.
Nothing But Regret
Chapter 1
The water kept dropping over her in the shower. Then, it made a whirl and went to a place that Emma didn't care about.
Meanwhile, the vapor began the steam the mirror and little drops began to form in the walls, making the air unbearable wet.
She had been there for long time, more than she used to. She had barely moved in half hour, allowing the water to clean the uncontrollable tears streaming down her cheeks.
Inner sorrow twirled inside her just like water did around her feet. A rainbow of sorrowful thoughts ruled her mind. At what age are you allowed to look back on your life with nothing but regret? Is thirty-two too young?
She thought about her life and, she found she wasn't proud of herself. She had never succeed at anything because she was too busy hiding in her own fears. She hadn't the nerve to face them. Every single day, she had been limited by her obsessive-compulsive disorder. All she could remember was referring to it. She had lost half of her childhood, her adolescence and now her days as young adults were ending. She had spent her time doing absolutely nothing. The problem was she had been too afraid of trying. And still was. How could she lose her life this way?
Just like the same way she had recently lost her husband. She couldn't blame him. He had been right. She had been a disgusting wife. She couldn't even keep the promise she'd made to him. She hadn't been honest about her feelings. She had hidden too many things from him. They seemed insignificant, but when they all came together formed a huge ball that it was impossible to digest. Maybe, the problem was she never should have married him when her feelings weren't clear. Poor Carl, he had suffered without deserving it. She was mean and selfish.
But she couldn't get Will off of her mind. As much she tried, as much she lied to herself, she loved him so much it hurt. And it pang across her heart merciless. Every time she thought about him, she believed nothing could go wrong if he was at her side. Nothing could be better than that. But she had found that it wasn't true at all. What they had couldn't even be called a relationship. They had nothing. When she'd tried to move on and followed another people's advice just thinking about herself, she only got pain and hurt. She broke the heart of the man she loved, just like everything she touched. Because of that, she wouldn't touch anything or anyone ever again.
She moved her arms. Her muscles were stiff because of being still for so all those minutes. Her knife wasn't far. She picked it up and dismounted, with the speed of practice, to keep only the blade. For some minutes she looked at the silver reflection from various angles, bewitched by the magic of light.
She was sitting on the cold marble floor, though she even noticed.
It was time again.
She caressed her thigh thinking where will be this time. It didn't matter while the effect was the same. She stopped torturing herself with her thoughts and sank the sharp edge on her soft skin. Soon, a beautiful red line sprouted and ran to join to the cheerful water drops.
Emma felt pain and welcomed it.
As soon as it came, it disappeared. Then, she repeated her ritual in other spot. She moaned and leaned her head on the bathroom wall. She let her go one more time until it ended. She looked for more and more of that drug, repeating cuts on old scars. She gave blood no time to go when more youthful and eager ran to appear. The previous transparent was becoming scarlet.
Emma started to felt dizzy, but it didn't make her stop.
An insane idea burned in her mind. Will anybody miss her if she stayed in that bathroom forever? More she thought about it, the more lonely she felt. Well, she was a single woman, an adult woman, a woman who had freaked out everyone that could have felt any interest on her. How long will she be laying there until they found her, or missed her, if she died?
The blade had left her legs and it start teasing her forearms, her wrists. It was very easy. She just had to do the move again. A bit of pressure and done. Maybe, a little deeper and everything will be over. Wasn't it great?
The razor stayed there, over her blue vein, just a few centimeters. It was nearest that anything in her life.
Emma had always feared the big decisions. She was very insecure. Maybe, it wasn't her fault. Maybe, it was the circumstances. She'd always rather run away or hide, waiting to the bad things to disappear. The few times she dared to get out to see if it rained, she ended without an umbrella under a violent storm.
She wasn't brave. That's why she never went to see the wolf.
She turned off the water, although it kept playing on her feet a little longer. She put her bathrobe on. A wet footprint was left on the plush in the floor.
Her eyes were red. She didn't feel good enough to keep standing here, looking at her reflection.
When the door was opened, the vapor ran out of the bathroom.
Now that the shower was closed, and her sobs had faded away, she could only hear the the sound her slippers made with each step she took.
She dried her hair with the towel, although she knew it would only get dry with the hairdryer, but she didn't care.
She put her robe on the chair so that the seat upholstery wouldn´t stain.
Not exposed enough to be a constant reminder, but not hidden enough not to be found at all, Emma kept an old blood stained towel in her bottom drawer. Now it was needed and she stretched it on the mattress. She fell on it. She wanted to stay that way and not move, but she wouldn´t allow herself to. At least not yet.
She pressed one of the cloth corners against her wounds. White quickly stained with red.
The towel was rough from the numerous washed and strong detergents without fabric softener. That was why it was her favorite. Every time she pushed it against her leg, it reminded her about past pain. And that was when she forgot who she was and why she was doing that.
She took another free-blood spot from the harsh fabric and repeated the move again. It scraped. A moan escaped from her half-opened mouth.
Perhaps, she overdid it this time, but she couldn't help it. It made her feel alive for a while.
Finally, the cuts stopped bleeding. She was afraid to stand up, but she did anyway and limped to the bathroom. The vapor was gone. There glazed tile showed a long shower took place moments ago.
She sat on the toilet and pulled the injured leg on the bidet. Slowly, she applied the disinfectant on each cuts, with the care of a person as she was. This time, the gauze was soft, but stung slightly.
When she was done, she looked at her work. She wasn't exactly proud. Instead, she was ashamed of doing that kind of things, feeling so unloved that she had to hurt herself to check she was still alive.
But it didn't work. She felt worse than before. All she wanted was to close her eyes and cry. So she did. There was nobody here to judge her. She was alone. Carl was gone.
She dressed with her underwear and a long nightgown that didn't show her legs.
She returned to the bathroom for the last time, her arms full of cleaning products.
With a bucket of water and bleach, gloves covering her hands and a scourer, she started cleaning. There she was one more time, her weaknesses and her fears controlling her again. And she didn't fight. Even when she could faint, she kept rubbing the floor, the walls, the bathtub... Because she couldn't help it no matter how bad she felt.
The city had been sleeping for a few hours when she collapsed on her bed. Her closed eyes hurt and burnt for all the tears. They seemed enough to not cry for a year, but she knew that she will do it in less than twelve hours. And nobody will be there to comfort her.
N/A: Thanks for reading ^^