Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day
SEASON 1
EPISODE 6/7
Airdate: December 16, 2012
Title: A Thank You, Heavenly Christmas (Parts 1 & 2)
Homage To Classic TV: None (Jonas Brothers performance instead)
Special Guest Stars: The Jonas Brothers as Themselves, Sean Astin as Col. Newman, Chris Rock as The Narrator, Lemmy Kilmister as Snow Dog #1, Rob Paulsen as Snow Dog #2, Brodus Clay as Himself
Satire: Commercialism of Christmas
("Christmas In Hollis" by Run-DMC plays in the background)
(It is December 20. Christmas is just five days away. There isn't a whole lot of snow because it's Seattle, but it's still snowing nonetheless. You could see red, green, and white all over. Dozens of churchgoers are on their way for a special evening sermon. There is a kid who puts up a sign on his front door that reads: "December 21-We Start Our Freaking Vacation!" Since he doesn't know how to decorate, that's the most he could do. RK walks by, stares up at the snow, and continues to walk. He is dressed the exact same way Run was in the music video for "Christmas In Hollis", and begins a monologue. We don't see him physically, just a voiceover.)
RK: In less than 24 hours, we begin our vacation for the greatest time of year. The holidays. They're officially upon us. It seems like only last year Mom was cooking chicken and collard greens, rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese, and Santa was putting gifts under Christmas trees. Yeah, I referenced Run-DMC. What? Are you gonna stop me? Kick my arse? Anyway, this year's Christmas is important to me. Because 2012 has been the year from hell. And who's to blame? None other than President Barack Obama. I'm not going to sit here and tell you all the events of this year. I'll save that for December 31. (passes by synagogue that just came off a Hanukkah celebration) Ever since Obama beat the greatest Republican in the past 20 years in Mitt Romney, things have taken a turn for the worse. (RK drops several copies of The Seattle Times on the sidewalk. Each of them has a different headline. The first one discusses the Kevin Clash sex scandal, with the headline reading: "Clash Accused Of Underage Sex, Quits Sesame Street") One of the most beloved children's characters now has a tainted reputation, thanks to his puppeteer. Obama could've stopped him. He simply chose not to. (RK drops the next one. This one discusses Hostess Brands, Inc. going out of business, with the headline reading: "Twinkies Can Survive Nuclear Disasters, But NOT Bankruptcy!") The Hostess company shut down. Obama, that monster, couldn't even save one Ding-Dong. (RK drops the third one. This one discusses the breakup of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, with the headline reading: "Le Biebs and Selener Call It Quits") The cutest celebrity couple ends it all. Obama didn't even care enough to make it right. Now Bieber thinks he can date Victoria's Secret models and get away with it. She doesn't look that bad. (RK drops the fourth one. This one discusses the debut of Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, and Roman Reigns, when they appeared at WWE Survivor Series and attacked Ryback, with the headline reading: "NXT Three Strips Away Ryback's Feast") Three assholes beat up the most dominant force in WWE today. Obama couldn't even give them a warning. (RK drops the fifth, and last, one. This one discusses the murder-suicide of Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher, with the headline reading: "Belcher Shoots Girlfriend To Death, Then Himself!") And now we live in a world where people aren't even safe in training facilities. (RK walks away into the night as the camera pans to the sky) This Christmas, we can all forget about Democrats and their carelessness for society. We can all forget about…..
(music stops as record scratches)
SPARKY: That's enough, RK! Stop ripping on Obama for things he couldn't do anything about!
RK: All these horrible things ironically happened after Obama regained power. And you sat there and voted for him!
(Sparky sighs. We then see a graphic in the sky that says, "A Thank You, Heavenly Christmas.")
(jingle bells ring as we see Sparky's house)
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky and RK are watching the Poinsettia Bowl on ESPN. BYU is playing San Diego State. RK still has that outfit on.)
SPARKY: How much did you pay for that anyway?
RK: $3,000.
SPARKY: $3,000?! For that stupid outfit?
RK: Hey, I LIKE this outfit, and I'm getting my money's worth!
SPARKY: Whatever.
RK: What's up your ass?
SPARKY: Nothing, I just get a little cynical around the holidays.
RK: Good thing you're not Wade. He always gets annoyed. His eggnog has alcohol in it or the tree doesn't have any popcorn…..
SPARKY: It's a good thing we can keep each other sane, RK. Wade hates college football, and Buster always gets depressed when Christmas and New Year's hits.
RK: Can you blame him? His mother comes home every year without his dad because they're divorced. We all have BOTH of our parents; Buster doesn't.
SPARKY: It sucks, man. I wonder what happened to Buster's dad. Only Buster and his mom know and they won't tell us.
RK: I don't know. There's a rumor that Buster's dad was part of World War II.
SPARKY: No, that's wrong. He was part of the Vietnam War.
RK: What?! No way. He was going to be a part of Vietnam, but the anti-war movement and "War" by Edwin Starr caused him to renounce his faith in the whole thing.
SPARKY: Where'd you hear that story?
RK: Will.
SPARKY: Will still thinks Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana are two different people!
RK: They are! Cyrus and Hannah went to Hawaii in January 2011. Cyrus was supposed to be watching Hannah because she can't swim, but Cyrus was too busy smoking marijuana and she drowned!
(Sparky buries his head in his cushion)
(from Sparky's room) BITCH CLOCK: HE WAS IN IRAQ, YOU DUMBASSES! THE MAN IS 34 YEARS OLD, HE WAS BORN ON SEPTEMBER 5, 1978!
RK: How do you know that?
BITCH CLOCK: I'M AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC ALARM CLOCK! I KNOW EVERYTHING! SPARKY, MAKE ME SOME GOD-DAMN EGGNOG! AND PUT EXTRA SMIRNOFF ICED CAKE VODKA IN IT! I WANT TO PUKE IN MY DREAMS!
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, I'm not going shopping for Christmas refreshments until Saturday. I told you that!
(long pause)
BITCH CLOCK: Mother (bleep)!
(Sparky has a bored look on his face as he and RK go back to watching the game, but RK is somewhat shaken by what just happened.)
RK: So, can you tell me again why your alarm clock can talk?
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Classroom
Seattle, Washington
After the series finale of iCarly on November 23, the school unveiled a large bronze statue outside the entrance of the five main characters (Carly, Sam, Freddie, Spencer, and Gibby). The camera shifts from the statue to the inside of Ms. Swift's classroom. The kids are having a Socratic seminar. They were split into two seminar groups, and have their own partner. One's a good speaker; the other's uncomfortable at speaking or bad at it. Sparky is Buster's partner, while Wade is RK's. Buster and RK are in the second group. The seminar discussion: Should football (American) be an Olympic sport?
BUSTER: I honestly believe American football should be an Olympic sport. It's popular all over the world.
WILL: I don't agree. Last time I checked, there wasn't much of a global reach for it.
MANNY: You could argue that, but everyone loves American football in Puerto Rico. In Latin America, people go nuts for the NFL. And once you count out those dirty Dominicans, it becomes a better group.
(Manny smiles while a kid wearing a Jose Reyes jersey from the 2009 World Baseball Classic stares at him angrily)
(RK is on his iPhone playing Subway Surfers when everyone stares at him, waiting for him to go. He somehow has the ability to know when he's being stared at so he looks up.)
RK: What?
MS. SWIFT: RK, we're all waiting for you to speak. And put your phone away, you know we have zero tolerance for electronics.
(RK realizes he lost)
RK: The train hit me? (talks like black girl) Damn! You guys owe me 8,000 points I could've gotten!
MS. SWIFT: RK, we're waiting for your opinion. Do you think American football should be an Olympic sport?
(long pause)
RK: What are the Olympics?
BUSTER: RK, I want to go home.
RK: Oh yeah, I saw the London Games this summer. Michael Phelps kicked ass!
MS. SWIFT: RK, that's not the point. Just agree or disagree on football being a part of the Olympics.
RK: OK, football kicks ass. The Olympics kick ass. I have to say yes. I'll be able to see my favorite team, the Atlanta Falcons, dominate everyone else all summer long. FUTURE SUPER BOWL XLVII CHAMPIONS!
TRAVIS: That's not how Olympic sports work, asshole.
MS. SWIFT: Travis, watch your language.
TRAVIS: Sorry, Ms. Swift. Anyway, Olympic sports don't work like that.
RK: Of course they do. All 32 NFL teams, in 2016, would go to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil for the Olympics and compete round-robin style based on division. Then there will be only two teams left, one from the AFC and one from the NFC.
WADE: Is this life?
RK: At the end, the winner gets a gold medal and the loser gets silver. There's also a third-place game. It follows the FIFA World Cup format.
BUSTER: Good Gandhi.
TRAVIS: Dumbass, the Olympics are an international competition! Therefore, players from all countries form national teams and compete against each other. And there's no possible way that could happen because outside of America, the NFL is mostly unpopular.
HALLEY: What are you talking about? The NFL plays in London every year, and the Buffalo Bills go to Toronto every year also.
BUSTER: Exactly.
TRAVIS: This guy doesn't even know where he's getting his shit from!
RK: Yes I do. I found out on 3-2-1 Contact.
TRAVIS: 3-2-1 Contact? Dude, that show ran from 1980-1988. On PBS. And they never taught anything like that, you (bleep) retard!
MS. SWIFT: Travis, please leave the classroom.
TRAVIS: 3-2-1 Contact my ass.
(leaves classroom)
RK: I guess he never watched it.
(bell rings as "This Christmas" by Chris Brown plays in the background)
MS. SWIFT: Well, enjoy your vacation, class. No homework until 2013!
(class cheers as they pack up and leave for the holidays)
MS. SWIFT: Travis, I need to talk to you.
TRAVIS: About what?
MS. SWIFT: A lot of things, Travis. A lot of things.
(classroom door closes as kids say good-bye to each other)
SPARKY: Wow. It's amazing. In less than three weeks, the year will be over.
RK: Well, at least we have three holidays and a whole lot of bowl games to help us celebrate.
(monotone) WADE: Right.
BUSTER: Yeah, it should be a blast. For you guys.
SPARKY: Ah, Buster. Don't do it again.
BUSTER: Why shouldn't I? Every year, all your parents come for Christmas and you're all one big happy family again. RK already has a brother and a pet cat. Now he's gonna get a mom and dad too!
WADE: Buster, don't be selfish. Think of all the people that don't have a family to celebrate Christmas with.
SPARKY: Yeah, I don't think having an alarm clock that abuses you every day counts as a family member.
RK: Seriously, why does it talk again?
BUSTER: You guys just don't know how hard it is for me. My mom tries hard, but she's just attempting to fill my dad's role. Last time I celebrated Christmas with both my parents was 2003. Guys, that was nine years ago.
(none of the boys understand what the problem is)
RK: Go on.
(monotone with bored look on face) BUSTER: I was born….in 2003.
(the boys finally understand)
SPARKY, RK, AND WADE: OHHHHHH!
RK: It's a paradox.
BUSTER: Don't worry, guys. I'll still celebrate the holidays. Hell, I'll even watch the bowl games. But on Christmas Day, I'm holing myself in my condo with my mom and LPC, ordering candy cane-peppermint pizza, and watching Olive The Other Reindeer.
SPARKY: But you hate that movie.
BUSTER: I know. I'll be at your house to help you decorate tomorrow, Sparks. (sighs) Woe is me.
(Buster leaves with his head down)
KAILY: Happy holidays, Buster.
BUSTER: Yeah, what's so happy about them?
(Buster walks out the door)
KAILY: Oh well. (sees the boys) Happy holidays, guys.
SPARKY, RK, AND WADE: Happy holidays.
WADE: Dude, Buster's really lost it now.
SPARKY: I know. All year, he's been mad about Kaily. And the one time she shows him attention, he doesn't reciprocate.
RK: I never liked her that much anyway.
SPARKY: RK, this is serious! We need to stop Buster from having another crappy Christmas. If we don't, this cycle could affect him for years, even into adulthood.
RK: I do NOT want to see that.
(We cut away to a gag in the future. The kids are 60 years older. They're at Buster's house, trying to cheer him up.)
SPARKY: Come on Buster, you crazy old fool! It's Christmas.
BUSTER: So what? It's been 69 years since my dad left me.
WADE: Ah, put a sock in it, ya son of a BITCH! You've spent 68 Christmases wallowing in despair.
BUSTER: Then let me wallow.
SPARKY: RK, you old BAT, cheer Buster up!
RK: What?
SPARKY: Cheer Buster UP!
RK: What?
WADE: Put on your damn hearing aid!
(RK puts on hearing aid)
RK: OK. I hear ya. Did you say something about root beer?
SPARKY: No, we told you to cheer Buster up!
RK: Buster, it's been 69 years and you still do things to my balls like no other man!
BUSTER: I told ya, you can't even keep a job, that's why we never DATED!
WADE: So you're a homo now?
BUSTER: Just leave me alone. (sings "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge sadly)
(Sparky slowly leaves the scene on his walker, and trips on the rug, injuring him)
We cut away to the present.
RK: You know, you could talk to me about root beer sometimes, Sparky.
SPARKY: Meet me at my house tonight, boys. I've got a plan.
(Sparky leaves while RK and Wade stare at each other)
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, RK, and Wade are coming up with ways to make Buster have a great Christmas.
RK: How about we make a BIG stripper cake?
(long pause)
WADE: What?!
RK: A big one, like the ones men have at bachelor parties. We can ask Kaily to be the stripper, and on Christmas Day, we give it to Buster as a present from all of us. Aw man, he'll be SO stoked!
SPARKY: RK, Kaily doesn't like Buster that way. And even if she did, I doubt she'd willingly show that much skin.
RK: Look I hate the kid, I'm just throwing that hat into the ring, you know?
WADE: What about taking Buster to a homeless shelter, to show him the true meaning of Christmas?
RK: Wade, that's a capital idea! (high-fives Wade) But wait, on the other hand, I don't want to be called a Cliché Conflict Resolution Kevin.
SPARKY: RK's right. And after last year, I'm never taking Buster to a homeless shelter again. Ever again.
(We cut away to a flashback at last year's Christmas. The boys and their families are volunteering at the local homeless shelter. They brought food, drinks, and new clothes for the people less fortunate. Sparky is spearheading the operation.)
MRS. NEWMAN: This was a wonderful idea you had, Sparky.
MRS. MACDOUGAL: Well, our little man loves to help out.
SPARKY: He sure does.
OLD BLACK MAN: Excuse me? May I have some more of that delicious eggnog?
RK: Why, certainly.
(RK realizes the eggnog is missing)
RK: Where's the eggnog?
(Buster is mixing it with AriZona Grapeade. Unfortunately, that was the last batch of eggnog they had.)
BUSTER: Damn, this is tasty! Guys, did you know that if you mix regular grape AriZona and regular non-alcoholic eggnog together, it makes awesome grape nog?
(Everyone stares at Buster angrily. He seems to know what he did.)
BUSTER: You guys can't prove I touched that kid!
(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: BUSTER!
Cut away to the present.
WADE: On second thought, homeless shelters are better saved for Thanksgiving and Presidents' Day.
RK: What if we write an anonymous letter to Santa talking about how miserable Buster is and that we want his dad to come for Christmas?
SPARKY: RK, Santa isn't real. You know that already.
WADE: Besides, you want people calling you an Anonymous Andy?
RK: No way!
SPARKY: OK. We need to find a way to get Buster's dad here.
WADE: How? No one knows where he is, and the only people that do know are keeping their mouths shut. For all we know, he could be dead.
RK: I've got a plan.
SPARKY: What kind of plan?
RK: An awesome plan.
WADE: What plan?
RK: A genius plan.
SPARKY AND WADE: RK, WHAT PLAN?!
RK: An awesome genius plan. A plan so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.
(long pause)
SPARKY: So you're not gonna tell us, are you? Apparently, you have your own agenda and mindset, and you don't want to expose that because that's your prerogative?
RK: Basically, yeah.
WADE: Can't you at least give us an idea?
RK: Let's just say, on Christmas Day, Buster will get his way. And he'll be so grateful, he'll be all over me. I might even get a mistletoe kiss.
WADE: Just make sure I'm not in the room for THAT.
SPARKY: Hey RK, you want to watch the Beef O' Brady's Bowl? Ball State is playing Central Florida.
RK: SCORE! Central Florida's my third-favorite C-USA team, right behind Tulsa and Rice.
WADE: I'm out. See you guys at the mall tomorrow.
SPARKY AND RK: See ya.
(Wade walks out the door, while Sparky and RK sit down to enjoy the game)
RK: Wasn't Spirited Away terrible and disturbing?
(rapid-fire) SPARKY: Yes, you're the only one who understands!
SCENE 4
Pacific Place
Interior Main Plaza (or Santa's Workshop)
Seattle, Washington
("Greatest Time Of Year" by Aly & AJ plays over the mall loudspeakers)
The boys are out to help get Sparky decorations. As they do every year, however, the rest of Testicular Sound Express goes to sit on Santa's lap. Sparky's gotten started on his own.
WADE: I hope they finish soon. I NEED to make sure I get the brand of popcorn I want.
BUSTER: Why put popcorn on trees? People talk about giving back, and they contradict themselves by wasting food? No class.
WADE: Buster, popcorn on Christmas trees is a tradition. Ever since the early 20th century, people have used it. But it's not just limited to that. Apples, nuts, and marzipan cookies can also be used as Christmas tree decorations.
BUSTER: Look, buddy boy, I came here to sit on Santa's lap and help Sparky get decorations. If I wanted a history lesson, I'd just call Ms. Jones or something.
WADE: Fine by me.
RK: Isn't it great how Santa Claus visits our mall every year over the other malls in America? What about New York? (turns to face camera) (BLEEP) YOU BUMS! (puts up middle finger) HAHAHAHAHAHA!
WADE: RK, do you still believe Santa is real?
RK: Of course not. I'm just getting in the spirit of the whole thing. That's what Christmas is all about, Wade.
BUSTER: Thank you, RK. You see….
RK: You're welcome, sweetheart.
(five-second pause)
BUSTER: You see Wade, the difference with you and the rest of us is that you're too pessimistic. Just like Eeyore.
We cut away to a Winnie The Pooh gag, directly ripped from Family Guy.
POOH: Come on Eeyore, let's go play.
EEYORE: I don't want to.
POOH: I know you want to teach Piglet how to dance.
EEYORE: I'd much rather take a sledgehammer and bash his sorry skull. Now THAT'S Hammer Time.
POOH: Why are you always in…such a bad mood?
EEYORE: I have a nail in my anus.
POOH: Oh.
Back to reality.
WADE: At least I'm not wallowing in my clothes about the fact I only have one parent coming for Christmas.
RK: Wade…..
WADE: See you guys later.
BUSTER: Dude, what the hell? Where are you going?
WADE: I think I found out the truth about Christmas.
(Wade leaves the line)
RK: At least we have each other.
BUSTER: You want your bells jingled?
(RK backs away)
About 25 minutes later and the boys are almost at the front.
("One Thing" by One Direction plays over the mall loudspeakers)
BUSTER: Wow, we're making great time. Usually these things take hours.
RK: Well, as soon as Wade left, things picked up amazingly. I just don't think he's the Christmas type.
BUSTER: Neither am I. That's a family thing.
RK: Buster, can't you be happy you actually have family coming over?
BUSTER: No. Christmas just isn't Christmas without my dad. And it'll never be.
(RK puts his head down)
MANNY: Hey, guys!
RK: Manny!
BUSTER: And Will! You guys were in the back of us the whole time?
MANNY: Yeah, but we were extra quiet.
WILL: That's why people say I'm like O.J. when it comes to escaping.
RK: Hey, if someone says that to you again, just tell them to shut the (bleep) up about that.
WILL: OK, cool.
MANNY: Isn't it rad how Santa comes to our mall every year instead of all the others?
RK: I know, like who are we?
BUSTER: Dear Lord.
RK: You're getting in the spirit of Christmas too by saying that?
MANNY: What do you mean?
RK: You know, that's not really Santa.
MANNY: Of course it is. That man should come to Puerto Rico. We'll give him a medal hollowed out of a chocolate coin for his accomplishments.
BUSTER: Manny, Santa isn't real.
MANNY: You're kidding, right?
WILL: Come on, Manny. The guy can somehow fly around the world in one night, deliver presents and coal to kids who are naughty or nice, fit his fat ass through a chimney, has magic reindeer, a workshop filled with elves, and lives in the coldest place this side of the Earth? That sounded crazy to me when I was five.
BUSTER: Isn't Antarctica the coldest place on Earth?
WILL: I said THIS side of the Earth.
BUSTER: Oh.
MANNY: Why would our parents lie about that?
RK: Because they're manipulative bastards.
SANTA CLAUS: Next kid!
WILL: You're up, Busts.
BUSTER: I am? Oh, I'm so unprepared. I didn't even come up with my opening line.
RK: Just say, "Hey Santa."
BUSTER: "Hey Santa." BRILLIANT!
(Buster clears throat, takes a gulp, and runs into Santa's arms)
BUSTER: SANTA!
SANTA CLAUS: Whoa, you're a very excited kid!
BUSTER: You bet I am.
SANTA CLAUS: What do you want for Christmas?
(sadly) BUSTER: My dad.
MANNY: What is Buster talking about? People can't be presents.
(RK and Will just stare at Manny with a bored expression)
SANTA CLAUS: That's it?
BUSTER: Hmmmm. Maybe not. I want a Slurpee machine, a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll that's been checked for STDs (winks at the camera), Taylor Swift's Red album, WrestleMania XXVIII on Blu-Ray, a Furby, The Beats by Dr. Dre, a Mountain Dew Voltage, and a chance to slap Drake in his (bleep) face!
WILL: Oh no, he didn't.
SANTA CLAUS: Wow, now that's an awesome Christmas list!
BUSTER: Thank you, Santa. Took me six hours to come up with anything other than drinks.
SANTA CLAUS: Merry Christmas, little boy!
(Buster walks back to the others)
BUSTER: That went well.
SANTA CLAUS: Next kid!
(Manny cuts in front of RK)
RK: What…Manny, it's my turn! MANNY?!
(Manny simply stares at Santa, then puts up the finger)
MANNY: (BLEEP) YOU, SANTA! AND (BLEEP) CHRISTMAS! You guys all should know Santa isn't real! He isn't REAL!
BILLY: Mommy, that kid just flipped Santa off.
MOM: Let that be a reminder never to take drugs, Billy.
MANNY: I'm out this joint!
WILL: Manny, you're my ride!
(Manny pretends not to hear and keeps walking)
WILL: He's lucky I have my bus pass.
SCENE 5
The MacDougal Household
Seattle, Washington
Interior Living Room
(RK is watching TV)
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Rudolph: Behind The Blow.
ANNOUNCER #2: In 1997, Rudolph's health was deteriorating at a rapid pace. It was revealed that he had a malignant tumor, the base of which was located deep within his brain. He died on November 8 that same year, hoping to deliver a 33rd year of service as Santa's lead reindeer. It was revealed the tumor itself made Rudolph's nose red.
MRS. RUDOLPH: My husband was a fighter, and that's what people never knew about him. He fought hard against injustice and that's what I always want people to know.
BLITZBERG: I honestly don't care that Rudolph died and never will care. He took my damn job. Santa was about to make ME lead reindeer and this retard comes with his red nose and takes my job. I think Santa was Anti-Semitic. Just because I'm Jewish, I'm not one of Santa's reindeer. Well, look who's alive? Huh? THE JEW IS STILL (BLEEP) ALIVE!
SPARKY: Come on RK, time to decorate.
RK: Sweet.
SPARKY: You're still not gonna tell me or Wade your genius plan, are you?
RK: Nope. Just that you won't be seeing me or Buster until Christmas Day. Or Christmas Eve, depending on how things go.
SPARKY: Fine, I'll look the other way and let you carry on with your plan because you have YOUR prerogative, and I have mine. Take a candy cane.
(RK catches the candy cane)
("Beautiful Christmas" by Big Time Rush plays in the background)
(There is a montage of the boys helping decorate Sparky's house for Christmas. If you're wondering why that's the case, he's the leader of the group. That's all I'm going to say. For some reason, Wade stops.)
WADE: I'm out.
(music stops as record scratches)
BUSTER: Didn't you hear the music, Wade? It's not done yet!
WADE: I don't care. I am NOT celebrating Christmas. The last thing I'll do is be commercialized any longer.
RK: Wade, we really don't need another storyline, so…
WADE: No, we do! Every day, I walk by and see parents buy things they can't afford for their kids, and then they become broke before the New Year. There was a mom that took out a second mortgage JUST so her daughter could get a Kindle Fire. A SECOND MORTGAGE!
(long pause)
RK: What happened to the first one?
SPARKY: Wade, if you're not gonna celebrate Christmas, what ARE you going to celebrate?
WADE: Something that the media can't FORCE me into celebrating. A holiday that celebrates yourself instead of consumerism.
BUSTER: What would that be?
(puts on coat and takes a pause) WADE: Kwanzaa! (slams door)
RK: So Wade's celebrating Kwanzaa this year. Eh, it was bound to happen.
BUSTER: I'm out too.
SPARKY: Buster, we're losing ANOTHER member of the decorating team?
BUSTER: Unfortunately, yes. I'm going to make up my own holiday just like Wade, so I won't have to worry about my stupid dad not coming for Christmas.
SPARKY: Buster, Kwanzaa's a real holiday.
BUSTER: Really?
RK: Yeah. It was invented for African-Americans by Dr. Maulana Karenga in 1966.
BUSTER: No wonder I didn't know it was real. Only one race can celebrate it! See you tomorrow.
RK: I would say that's racist, but a white guy celebrating Kwanzaa…..just isn't right.
SPARKY: RK, I don't know what your genius plan is, but you better put it into action ASAP no Rocky. Because I'm sick and tired of all this constant moping! The song isn't even done yet!
RK: Don't worry, Sparky. I've got you covered. As for the song….
(the rest of "Beautiful Christmas" plays as RK mouths the final words)
RK: We can make a beautiful Christmas!
(Sparky just has an angry stare)
SCENE 6
The Newman Condominium
Seattle, Washington
Interior Buster's Bedroom
(Buster is about to go to sleep. As he fixes his bed, he wonders aloud about the made-up holiday ideas he's created.)
BUSTER: OK, so far I've come up with eight holidays I could celebrate on Christmas Day. I like Drink Day, but my Mom just doesn't get excited over SONIC Drive-In like I do. I could celebrate Superhero Day. You know, that Black Widow costume just wouldn't do me right.
(LPC meows. He somehow knows what Buster's saying, and Buster knows what LPC's saying.)
BUSTER: I know I could choose one of the Avengers. Maybe I just WANT to be Black Widow.
(LPC meows)
BUSTER: It's not gay! (turns his back to LPC, then forward again) What do you think about Welcome Back, Kotter Day?
(LPC meows disgustedly)
BUSTER: Come in, it's the greatest TV show in the history of the 1970s! I could be Horshack. (imitates Horshack) Ooh-ooh-oooh! Or maybe I'm better suited for Washington. (imitates Washington) Mister Kot-taire, Mister Kot-taire…
(LPC blankly stares at Buster, not understanding what his owner just did)
BUSTER: You know what, just for that, you're Barbarino! Hate Barbarino. (Buster notices a shadow behind him. It's RK on his windowsill, dressed as Mysterion. From this point forward, RK is speaking just like Mysterion.)
RK: Buster, don't be afraid. I'm here to help you.
BUSTER: Who the (bleep) are you?
RK: I'm an angel sent here from thousands of galaxies away. I know all about your father.
BUSTER: You do?
RK: Definitely. I know everything. We're going to locate your dad together. And once we do, your Christmas will be saved. And Sparky, Wade and I will stop being so agitated.
(takes a minute to realize who it is) BUSTER: RK!
(realizes he gave himself away, but still speaking like Mysterion) RK: Yeah, what's up?
BUSTER: I don't need your help, RK. Anybody's help. I'm inventing my own holiday.
RK: Yeah, I'm sure Welcome Back, Kotter Day puts Jesus' birthday to shame.
BUSTER: (Bleep) you, man!
RK: Hey, I'm trying to help YOU here, dude. Now tell me where your father is so we can bring him back here. We all know you know.
BUSTER: Yeah, I do. But there's a reason I don't tell you.
RK: Why not?
BUSTER: Because if he really wanted to see me, he would've come here his own God-damned self!
RK: Stop using the Lord's name in vain, Kyle.
BUSTER: MY NAME'S NOT KYLE!
RK: Sorry, I'm really getting into character. What you're doing is wrong, Buster. I bet your dad wants nothing more but to see you. Maybe something's keeping him from coming here.
BUSTER: Well, maybe or maybe not. But it doesn't matter. He'll come if he wants to.
RK: Hell no. I did not pay $500 for this just to turn back now. Tell me where your father is, Buster.
BUSTER: NO!
RK: Well, I guess I have no choice to do this. Keep in mind, I can keep this going for two hours straight.
(RK pulls down his pants and shakes his penis around)
BUSTER: Jesus, that's a nasty visual!
RK: Unless you tell me where your dad is, Buster, you'll be seeing this all night.
BUSTER: Fine, I'll tell you. Turning around doesn't help matters. He lives in Vancouver and works part-time as a comedian across Canada. He gave me his schedule in case I want to see him, but I burned it.
RK: Son of a bitch. Do you remember any shows he put there?
BUSTER: Actually, I memorized the whole schedule before burning it in case someone asked me that. He's playing the Laugh Riot over in Calgary on Monday. The hotel he's staying at is the Marriott on 110 9th Avenue Southeast downtown.
RK: You Cliché Conflict Resolution Kevin. We can go there now!
BUSTER: To Calgary? Hell no!
RK: Buster, you need to see your dad. And when you're hurting, I do too. Because my heart burns for you. Like Nicki Minaj burns for Mariah Carey to attack her. (pause) Wait, we don't have a clip?
CAMERAMAN: No.
RK: Well, let's just forget that was even said.
BUSTER: You know what? You're right, RK/Mysterion. Time for me to see my father.
RK: Excellent. Pack a duffel bag, snacks, and toiletries. This is going to be a long one.
BUSTER: Sounds like a plan. Hold on a second, you paid $500 for THAT?
RK: Of course I did. Pretty cool, huh?
BUSTER: That's insane. $500 for that stupid costume?
(drops Mysterion voice) RK: Well, I like the damn costume, and I'll wear it if I want, so SCREW YOURSELF!
(long pause)
(goes back to Mysterion voice) RK: Sorry, I flew off the handle there. Actually, I'm so poor I can't do that so I went Greyhound off the handle.
BUSTER: It's OK.
RK: Yeah, that wasn't the right thing to say. (long pause) Screw yourself.
(Buster's eyes widen)
SCENE 7
The Westbury Condominium
Exterior Street
Seattle, Washington
(Buster is putting his duffel bag into RK's car. He switched out of his pajamas into his normal clothes. RK also switched into his normal clothes and packed his Mysterion costume in his duffel bag.)
(still speaking like Mysterion) RK: So, are we ready to go?
BUSTER: Could you stop talking like that?
(goes back to normal voice) RK: Sorry, I'm still in transition. OK, so driving from Seattle to Calgary will take us approximately….. (checks Google Earth app on iPad) 11 hours, 42 minutes.
BUSTER: Dude, it's 10: 25 PM right now. At this rate, we'll be in Calgary 10: 07 AM tomorrow?
RK: Basically, yeah. Driving cross-country is complicated stuff, babe. We need to take the Trans-Canada Highway just so you know.
BUSTER: Well, this is for my father. I'm gonna take that risk.
(Buster closes car door. For anyone wondering, the car has a roof.)
BUSTER: Oh yeah RK? I really want to thank you for doing this. You're a true friend.
RK: The pleasure's all mine, Buster. Love is powerful.
BUSTER: Right….
RK: OK, well let's go! (starts car engine and drives)
BUSTER: Did you leave the notes?
RK: Yep. One on your door and one on mine.
BUSTER: Cool. Did you bring the CDs?
RK: Did I bring the CDs? Buster, DJ MC RK is always prepared.
We cut away to a scene from The Backyardigans.
AUSTIN: You never know what's gonna happen in a race; that's why I always like to be prepared.
RK: Stupid Nick Jr. So what do you want to listen to?
BUSTER: "Goodnight and Goodbye" by The Jonas Brothers. It's fitting.
RK: Amazing. I was just about to put in the album CD.
BUSTER: Well, who's the Cliché Conflict Resolution Kevin NOW?
RK: I'm not a Cliché Conflict Resolution Kevin. I'm a Coincidence Chris at best.
BUSTER: OK then.
(RK chooses "Goodnight and Goodbye" from the in-CD main menu)
RK AND BUSTER: CALGARY, HERE WE COME!
("Goodnight and Goodbye" by The Jonas Brothers plays on the car stereo as the two boys drive off)
The following takes place in an animated winter wonderland. The people performing and materials they use are not animated.
ANNOUNCER: And now, performing their version of "Frosty the Snowman," the boys from New Jersey, Nick, Joe, and Kevin. Better known as….THE JONAS BROTHERS!
(canned cheering)
KEVIN: Hey everybody.
JOE: We just want to thank you guys for watching tonight.
NICK: And wherever you are, we wish you Happy Holidays. 1-2-3-4!
(The Jonas Brothers perform a rock cover of the famous holiday hit "Frosty the Snowman." During their performance, scenes of Frosty himself are shown)
THREE MINUTES AND FORTY-FOUR SECONDS LATER….
NICK: Thank you all. You've been an awesome audience!
JOE: And we want all the folks watching at home to enjoy the rest of tonight's episode. Good luck to Buster and RK.
KEVIN: Good night, everybody!
Well, that was Part 1 of tonight's Christmas special. Keep reading for Part 2!