This pretentious little thing is dedicated to Akaluan and AnotherSpoonyBard (who both post their works both here and on AO3!) for getting me on an Uryuu introspection kick in the first place. :)

Between the pain, and the pain-induced tears, and the dust on my glasses, it's rather surprising I can even see the enemy before me. I'm still talking, of course; still buying time against my weariness.

I can't even try to pretend that I'm still steady on my feet. I'm not even on my knees. I've somehow propped myself up with my less-damaged arm. This isn't the first time I've been injured- mangled- damaged to the point where any sane being would just collapse and accept the inevitability of their death. First there was that ambush I blundered into in Soul Society; then, that ridiculous mess in Hueco Mundo; now, here I am in the Royal Realm, having walked directly into yet another blasted trap. By now, it's ingrained reflex to just breathe through the pain.

The idea of fealty for the sake of debt alone is... disturbing. As though all of society could be reduced down to cold numbers! I could hate Haschwalth for such blind and empty loyalty, but that would require me to care about what he thinks. I'd laugh at what a blind fool he is, right to the end, were I not aware of exactly how objectively stupid so many of my choices have been. I never actually considered the Vandenreich to be anything more than a very convenient stepping stone to power, right until I was the one getting stepped on.

I chose to challenge Kurosaki to a juvenile contest of skill- pissing contest, with the lives of innocents as collateral. That remains my single stupidest decision to date, by far trumping that ridiculous 'combo attack move' I came up with to kill that one Gillian, or even my all-too-recent attempt to infiltrate the headquarters of a functionally omniscient madman with a personal army. It does appear that I learn quickest in the immediate aftermath of a retrospectively ill-considered scheme blowing up in my face.

And then I actually chose to follow Kurosaki and his compatriots to Soul Society, knowing that I might encounter my grandfather's killer, unwilling to pass up a chance to pay him back a bare fraction of the suffering he'd caused. Sadly, those with the greatest claim were already dead; that's rather a prerequisite to avenging another's death in the first place.

Grandfather wanted me to be safe. Better to run and live, to surrender and wait, than to die fearlessly and pointlessly.

Then again I chose to go along with Kurosaki - and where Kurosaki went, Sado-san and thankfully Inoue-san followed. I even willingly fought alongside Kuchiki-san and Abarai-san, despite the inescapable fact that they are active shinigami, a decision which clearly ran counter to if not quite against my father's edict. It hadn't been my idea to go haring off into Hueco Mundo unprepared, after all. That was classic Kurosaki, and my choice and his shinigami allies' choices had nothing to do with one another.

Inoue-san needed all the help we could get, and my pride would not let me stand aside.

Again, I messed up. The fact is that I chose to take Yhwach's offer and turn it to my own purposes. That Haschwalth would not have accepted my refusal does not negate the fact that I chose this; that the source is distasteful does not make my Schrift any less invaluable; and the fact that I got caught doesn't change the fact that I had a perfectly workable plan of attack- sabotage, and I was this close to succeeding!

I always make it this close, and then I crash and burn. If I were just a touch more self-centered, I'd think someone up there hates me. ...ah, right. Well, at least that answers the ages-old philosopher's question of why evil exists. The Spirit King was apparently some sort of statue, and the current replacement is a swaggering sadist.

My enemy throws my achievements in my face, calling the pride I take in my allegiances sin. I'd laugh in his face, if I were just a bit more careless of my current state.

You have failed in your duty, he says. You are disobedient, irreverent, a traitor to the one who created you.

I don't care. I literally couldn't care less what this Sternritter thinks of what I've done, for oh-so-many reasons; and in the end, all that matters is that I cannot go back. Not for the first time and likely not for the last, I've chosen to follow- precede Kurosaki into hell.

I may always remember the first time I felt this powerless.

I was a child, too frightened to move. I've already decided to do the selfish thing. I am not going to allow Kurosaki or any of our motley crew to die pointlessly, not so long as I can move- think- breathe!

I just can't kill a god by myself. I need help. I need a new plan. I need time, and energy, and enough gathered reishi to fix my Ransoutengai.

I can almost see my enemy's power abandon him. There's a new emptiness in the air, and it feels an awful lot like dying of fear. The open wound in my chest screams pain at me, and I breathe through it.

I'm saving my friends first.