A/N: Hi, Zootopians! This little ficlet is part of a series where I take a quotation and bring it into a completely unrelated fandom. The series (also on AO3) used to be called Mischievous Misquotations, but Facetious Fusions has more of a ring to it, don't you think? Enjoy!

"I'll bet you write wonderful letters." - Desk Set (1957)

Chosen fusion fandom: Zootopia

…

They had been chasing a bike thief when it happened.

Yeah, it wasn't really their style and, yeah, it lacked the pizazz of their normal cases. But, business had been slow today in Zootopia. They were honestly just roaming the streets, looking for anything.

That in itself should have told Judy that something was going to go wrong.

…

Nick had braked the car, horrified and yet unable to look away as he witnessed his partner careen unwillingly through the air.

…

In her efforts to stop the bike theft, she had to chase the thief on foot through the city - they had just been starting to pump gas into their vehicle when she heard the cries for help.

So, the partners agreed to let Judy chase the criminal on foot while Nick was to finish gassing up the car before catching up.

Oh, wait, did I actually agree to this plan? No, no I didn't.

But, Judy bolted off like the hero she is and immediately started off for the thief.

But only after she handcuffed him to the car.

She knew as well as he did that doing that would only cause a brief obstacle. But it was also a guarantee he wouldn't recklessly charge after her.

And he wouldn't chase after her. At least, not until the tank was filled.

"And today, folks, you've just witnessed another classic example of the pot calling the kettle black." He growled to himself as he unlocked himself from the handcuff.

And, lo and behold, the tank was now full.

"I'm pretty sure we're supposed to be partners, Carrots." He muttered, more frustrated than amused by this turn of events. But it only took him a moment to get the car into gear, and then he was cruising after what was left of the "bunny trail".

"'It's just a bike theft, Nick. I'll be back before you know it. And, do you really want to explain to Chief Bogo why our car got stolen because you chased after me on foot?' Bunnies. Always hopping away to try save and the day. But, if a fox tries to do something-"

That was around the time he had caught up to them.

…

"Why would a hedgehog even want a bike?"

"Carrots. Do me a favor, and stop trying to talk."

By the time he got out of the car, she had already smacked into the ground. It was only once he saw her breathe that he even started to slow down. And even then he was scurrying, rather ungracefully for a fox, to get to her in time.

"Officer down! I repeat, officer down at the corner of Wacker and Grand!" She looked up, weakly smiling at him. "You're gonna be okay, Carrots. You're gonna be just fine."

"I know, Nick. I know."

…

"Have you ever considered a desk job, sweetie? I'm sure the force would be honored to have you step in as a receptionist or something!"

Go figure her parents would want to videochat now of all times. Right as the paramedics were taking her to the hospital.

Fortunately, Nick was willing to pick up the videochat for her.

"Mom, Dad. It was an accident. It could have happened to anyone."

Or, perhaps, unfortunately. Considering the look he's shooting her when the phone's not focused on him.

"It's not very often a car hits a bunny because she was chasing down a hedgehog stealing a bicycle."

"You got hit by a car?!"

"Not now, Nick." You'd think cute little bunnies couldn't growl or ever be intimidating. "And, Mom, almost hit. There is a difference." Something clicked in her foggy brain, a thought that hadn't occurred before.

"Wait, a second. You guys would never call me in the middle of the day! You know better than to do that." She was unable to look at any of them due to being forced to lie down in the ambulance. But there was a suspicious silence emanating from where Nick was standing.

Unfortunately, by this point, the ambulance doors were being closed and she was being whisked away to the hospital.

…

"I'm quite sorry that this is the case, but Chief Bogo wanted me to let you know you'll be on desk duty for a week after you get out of the hospital."

"You're not sorry at all, Nick, don't even try to lie."

"Then again, getting a break would probably be great for writing those letters to your family." She glared at him, but begrudgingly gave him that. Even in a modern day, she finally relented on sending her family letters through the snail mail (no offense to the snails running it). And, her parents had been hinting that they really wanted her to respond to their last letter.

Especially because it was sent about a month ago.

"You know, I'll bet you write wonderful letters."

"Nick, you're going to be so sorry when I can finally get out of this bed!"

"Sorry, Carrots, but you're really kind of adorable," The growl came back. "And not all that intimidating right now." He shrugged oh so very helplessly, before staring right at her and allowing his frustration to color his tone. "Maybe next time, you'll actually try to include your partner in the chase?"

She sighed, repeating herself for probably the hundredth time in the last day.

"I am sorry that I was a dumb bunny who wanted to save the day by herself. Next time I'll be sure to try to include my sly fox in my reckless endeavors."

"Once more, with feeling!" This time she just chucked a crumpled up piece of paper at him.

"Hey! Papers have feelings too, you know? I mean, that paper could have collided with me and been forced to be in the hospital for-"

Judy groaned into her pillow, beyond irritated by the whole situation and determined to tune her partner out..

Though, there was a very, very small part of her knew that this was his way of showing how much he cares for her. And that she did in fact scare him.

And that small part of her was the only reason she had the faintest hint of a smile.

Hidden by her pillow, of course.

...

Hope you've enjoyed this one :)

Our next quotation is:

"I thought we might hit this little snag. You seem to be labouring under the delusion that I am going to - what is the phrase? 'Come quietly'." - Harry Potter

And our fandoms to choose from:

Death in Paradise

Downton Abbey

Star Trek: Voyager

X-Men First Class

Blazing Saddles

Feel free to vote in the comments! And have a nice day :)