Episode Lost
"Robin, the Joker hijacked a truck full of frozen fish."
"Holy mackerel, Batman."
"Holy mackerel, Robin? Are you serious?"
Click!
Wrong channel. Ahem. Our story begins…
"Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this program to bring you an important announcement. The aliens are coming! The aliens are coming! Run for your lives!"
Click!
Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize. Ahem. Our story begins in the sleepy little town of Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, where our heroes, Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose are… Alright! Who's the practical joker?
"Ladies and gentlemen," says Rocky, "welcome to our show."
"What show is that, Rock?" asks Bullwinkle.
"We're on television, Bullwinkle. Don't you see the cameras?"
"Is that what they are? I thought they were them aliens."
Excuse me, boys. Don't start the show without me. Ahem. Our story begins in the sleepy little…
"Mister Narrator," says Rocky, "Bullwinkle and I are on strike."
On strike? Why?
"We feel like we're being typecast."
Typecast? You're a moose and a squirrel.
"I want to play Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman," says Bullwinkle.
"And I want to play King Kong," says Rocky.
Are you serious?
"No."
"Hey, mister!"
What? Oh, it's you.
"Yes, is me."
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Boris Badenov. Boris Badenov is a no-goodnik from Pottsylvania. Watch out for him. He's been known to lie, cheat, steal, assault and maim."
"You say the nicest things."
And he loves bombs.
"Yes, I do."
So, Boris, what is it you wanted?
"Is it time I make my entrance?"
No, not yet.
"You better hurry. I get mean if I have to wait."
I'll keep that in mind.
"Rocky," says Bullwinkle, "watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat."
"Again?" asks Rocky.
"Nothing up my sleeve. By golly! It is a rabbit."
"Bullwinkle, you did it."
"Ouch!"
"Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy this next feature while I pry a rabbit off of Bullwinkle's nose."
In a forest far away, there lives a family of bears.
Momma Bear…
"Hello."
Papa Bear…
"Hello."
…and Baby Bear.
"Phlbbbt."
They live a happy and carefree life. You would too if you were bigger and stronger and meaner than everyone else.
"Momma," whines Baby Bear, "my porridge is too cold."
"Well," says Momma Bear, "if you'd spend more time eating and less time playing it wouldn't get cold."
"I can't eat it now. It's too cold."
"Eat it before I smack you."
"Excuse me, mister," says a little girl with golden curls. "Is there a part for me in this story?"
Yes there is.
"Oh goody."
You're going to sneak into the bear's house, eat their porridge, break their furniture and fall asleep in their beds. When they discover you, they will chase you out of the house and into the forest.
"Bears?"
That's right.
"Big bears with sharp teeth and claws?"
Of course.
"Forget it, mister."
Don't you want to be a star?
"I'd rather be alive."
Suit yourself.
"And now," says Rocky, "Mr. Know-it-all."
"Hello, friends," says Mr. Know-it-all. "I'm Mr. Know-it-all."
"I just said that."
"Some things bear repeating."
"What do you have for us today, Mr. Know-it-all?"
"A story."
"What's the name of the story?"
"Cider-Ella."
"Cider-Ella?"
"It's about a girl and her apples."
"Mr. Know-it all, that's not the name of the story."
"It's not?"
"The story is called Cinderella. Look on the cover. See? C-I-N…"
"By golly! You're right. Hey! Wait a minute! What does this have to do with apples?"
"It has nothing to do with apples. Her name is Cinderella because she cleans out the fireplace."
"What nonsense! People clean fireplaces all the time. Nobody calls them Cinder-so-and-so."
"Maybe you should actually read the book."
"Good idea. I need to find out what she did with all them apples."
When last we met, Boris Badenov, that no-goodnik of no-goodniks, and his sidekick…
"Hold on," says Natasha Fatale. "I am not sidekick."
I beg your pardon, ma'am. Ahem. Boris Badenov and his partner…
"Not partner."
"Natasha?" asks Boris. "You are not partner?"
"I am mastermind."
"Hokey-dokey, Poopsie. You can have credit for…
"Never mind. I am sidekick."
"Now it's time for Bullwinkle's Corner," says Rocky.
"Hey!" says Boris. "You cut into face-time."
"Talk about face-time," says Bullwinkle. "Your face could stop a clock."
"You talk about face?!"
"Ladies and Gentlemen," says Rocky, "please enjoy this next feature while I get something to put on Bullwinkle's eye."
"Hello, my name is Aesop and… Who are you?"
"I'm Wolf."
"Have you seen my son?"
"He asked me to take his place."
"Wait till I get my hands…"
"Aren't you going to tell me a fable?"
"You want to hear a fable?"
"Please."
"Very well. This is a fable about a boy who cried, Wolf."
"Does it have a moral?"
"Yes. Never disappoint your father."
Unbeknownst to our heroes, Boris and Natasha are planning to blow up Frostbite Falls Bank and steal all of the money.
"Hey," says Boris, "do not tell."
"They have money in that bank?" asks Bullwinkle.
"News to me," says Rocky.
"I think we need new plan," says Boris.
"You better think of something," says Natasha. "We are broke."
"You spent all the money?"
"All what money?"
"We had money. Where did it go?"
"What do I know? I am just sidekick."
"Hello there. Peabody here. This is my boy Sherman. Say hello, Sherman."
"Hello."
"Good boy. Set the way-back machine for 1795."
"Why?"
"We're going to visit Hansel and Gretel."
"You do know they're not real, don't you?"
"How can I teach you if you already know everything?"
"Sorry, Mr. Peabody."
"La, la, la, la, la, la…" A little girls with golden curls is singing a merry tune as she skips along a path through a dense forest in eighteenth century Germany.
"Hello, young lady," says Mr. Peabody.
The little girl stops and jumps back. "A talking dog!"
"What, may I ask, are you doing, young lady?"
"I'm taking this basket of goodies to my grannie. Are you a wolf?"
"Do I look like a wolf?"
"I think we're in the wrong story," says Sherman.
"Story?" asks the little girl with golden curls.
"Where's your red hood?"
"What red hood?"
"Young lady," says Mr. Peabody, "I'm sorry to hear that your family is starving?"
"Starving?"
"Didn't your father and evil step-mother…"
"Evil step-mother?"
"…lead you and your brother out into the woods to die because they couldn't afford to feed you anymore."
"Who told you that?"
"The Brothers Grr…"
"I knew it! Those meanies are always spreading rumors."
"So it isn't true?"
"No. Not at all."
"Young lady, sorry to have bothered you."
"Wait till I tell Hansel I met a talking dog," says the little girl with golden curls, as she hurries away.
"Mr. Peabody," asks Sherman, "aren't you going to make a pun?"
"I suppose I could," sighs Mr. Peabody, "but it would be grim."
"And now it's time for Bullwinkle's corner," says Rocky.
"Today," says Bullwinkle, "a poem by Shortfeller."
"Don't you mean Longfellow?"
"Who's he?"
"Go on."
"I'm trying to."
"Hurry before we run out of time."
"Alright, alright, here goes: Moose and squirrel. Toss and hurl. Make me sick. Stomp and kick."
"You call that a poem?"
"Hey, squirrel." says Boris. "You no like poem?"
"Is that your poem?"
"I told you it was written by Shortfeller," says Bullwinkle.
"Yes. Is my poem," says Boris. "You got problem?"
"No, no, no problem," says Rocky. "Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy this next feature while I try to talk Boris into putting that bomb away."
Once upon a time there lived a little girl.
"Excuse me, mister," says a little girl with golden curls. "Do I have a part in this story?"
You had your chance. Scram!
"Well! You don't have to be so mean about it."
Hold on a minute. Here, put this on.
"Oh, this is nice."
Once upon a time there lived a little girl who loved to wear a little red cape with a hood. One fine summer day, she was skipping through the forest with a basket of goodies for her sick grannie.
"Didn't we already do this?" asks Sherman.
"Hush," says Mr. Peabody.
"Hey!" says the little girl with golden curls. "Is that a wolf?! Nobody told me about a wolf! I'm out of here!"
Hey little girl! Bring back that cape!
"Boy!" says Bullwinkle. "Look at her go!"
Oh phooey! That cape was expensive. What do I tell the prop department now?
"We have a prop department?"
"Where do you think they keep the bombs?" asks Rocky.
"That would be the film room."
Are you finished?
"I think so."
Ladies and gentlemen, our story continues with…
"Excuse me."
What?
"I'm Mr. Know-it-all."
What do you want?
"I read the book."
What book?
"Cinderella."
So?
"I thought you might want to know, that's all."
So what about it?
"It has a moral."
What is the moral, pray tell?
"Drum roll please."
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… ca-chink ba-boom!
"The moral is: Pretty girls have small feet."
That's it?
"Yeah."
Can we move on now?
"Certainly."
Ladies and gentlemen, we find our heroes, Rocky and Bullwinkle, on a train heading east. Suddenly, the train begins to slow down.
"I think we're losing steam," says Rocky.
"We've been losing steam for a while now," says Bullwinkle.
"Watch it, Bullwinkle. You'll get us banished to Siberia."
"How is that different from Frostbite Falls?"
"Nell, Nell," says Snidely Whiplash, "say you'll be mine or I'll saw you in half."
"Snidely Whiplash," says Nell, "I'd rather die than be yours."
"As you wish."
"Unhand her you fiend," says Dudley Do-Right.
"Curses!" says Snidely Whiplash. "Can't I win just once?"
"Horse! Horse! You saved me," cries Nell, hugging and kissing Dudley's horse.
"I can't win either, apparently," says Dudley. "Hey, Snidely, join me for a beer?"
"You paying?" asks Snidely Whiplash.
"Where did that come from?" asks Bullwinkle.
"Somebody screwed up the editing," says Rocky.
I think I could tell this story a little better if I didn't have so many interruptions.
"Pssst, narrator," says Rocky. "Bullwinkle and I are on a train heading east."
"Why are we on this train?" asks Bullwinkle.
"We're supposed to stop Boris and Natasha from blowing it up."
"I thought they were blowing up the bank."
"Bank? Train? What is difference?" says Boris. "We blow up and get money. Simple as that."
"Blow up moose and squirrel too," says Natasha.
"Why?" asks Rocky.
"What can I say?" says Boris. "Once and no-goodnik, always a no-goodnik."
And that brings us to the end of another exciting episode.
"Hey, Rock," says Bullwinkle, "which part of this episode was exciting?"
"Don't know," says Rocky.
Will you stop interrupting?
"Can't seem to help myself," says Bullwinkle.
"You can say that again," says Rocky.
"Okay. Can't seem…"
Enough! The show is over! Ladies and gentlemen, tune in next time for: "Training the Bombs" or "Boris to Death".
Tic, toc, tic, toc…
Sorry, folks. We've run out of money. There will be no more episodes.
"I don't believe you," says Rocky. "You just ran out of ideas."
"He didn't have any ideas in the first place," says Bullwinkle.
Goodbye, boys.
Tic, toc, tic, toc…
"Hey, Rock. Is he gone?"
"I think so, Bullwinkle."
"Let's do a song and dance! Bring out the chorus girls!"
"Everybody sing!"
"There's no business like show business like no business I…"
Aha! I caught you.
"Oops."
The show is over! Go home!
Tic, toc, tic, toc…
"Hey, Rock. Is he really gone?"
"I hope so, Bullwinkle."
"Let's do a little something from the Bard of Avon."
"The Bard of Avon?"
"He was a great writer and sold cosmetics on the side."
"Somehow I don't…"
"Here's something from Omelet: Two bees, or not two bees, that…"
I warned you. Now I'm going to have to take drastic measures.
Tic, toc, tic, toc…
"Hey, Rock, what did he mean by drastic measures?"
"Don't know, Bullwinkle."
"Wait a minute! Is that a bomb?!"
Tic, toc, tic, toc…
"La, la, la, la…" A little girl with golden curls is singing a merry tune as she skips along a path through a forest. She stops suddenly when she spots something on the ground. "Hey!" she says, stooping to get a better look. "What do we have here? Antlers? That's funny. I didn't know we had moose in this forest."
Tic, toc, tic, toc…
"He, he, he…" says Boris. "Here is money."
Thank you. My pleasure.
Tic, toc, tic, toc…
"Just kidding," says Bullwinkle. "Everyone, that's a wrap."
The End