A Conversation with the Spirits of Chaos and Insanity
AKA Patricia and her cousin Lauren
'Blood don't mean healthy'
(For full effect, must be said with bad redneck inflection)
Attention, attention please! Yes, this has been done before. But we do it best. No, really! The amount of thought and dedication that has gone into this piece of speculative fiction is staggering. This was supposed to be a part of "The Rocky Harry Potter Show" and it still may be, but I just posted Chapter Five on that story, which was a poem about the . . . um . . . 'Animal Magnetism' between Sirius and Remus. Another pointless chapter on the RHPS might have gotten me killed. As this list can stand alone, here you are. Enjoy yourself. After all, the word 'snog' is used almost 25 times!
For the record, Chas is my best friend and I can never resist the temptation to poke fun at him in public. The opportunity to abuse him on the Internet was far too great a temptation. He is also in the RHPS, hence his inclusion in this list. He also firmly believes that Sirius is straight, which we all know is a damned dirty lie.
WARNINGS: This piece includes all of your favorite slash couples, straight couples, and couples we've made up. If you don't like that sort of thing then GO AWAY. There's more than enough vanilla crap out there for you to read, and spending time reading this then flaming me just makes the flamer look like an idiot. A stupid git. A homophobic wanker with no life. A zitty-faced, big-bottomed, nose-picking arsehole who deserves to die a slow and painful death at the end of my pitchfork, because I've sinned enough that the devil's letting me take over when I die. Got it?
Lauren and I have dedicated a large portion of our young lives to discussing what everyone in the world of Harry Potter wears under his or her robes. Now, we're not talking about dull things like trousers and knee socks; we're talking about panties. It could be said that Lauren and I are panty connoisseurs. The amusing thing is that she's never read the Harry Potter books, yet I speak about them so frequently that she knows who everyone is. She also watched the movie with me once, and that gives her some cred.
Bonus cred: Everyone we've discussed this topic with has agreed with our assessment of the underthings implied in the novels. That either means that we're brilliant (brilliant must be said with fake British accent for maximum effect) or all of our friends are idiots as well.
Lauren: You're the idiot; I'm the genius.
Patricia: Ah, like a piece of green cheese, she is not quite ripe. Heh, that was stupid, but in the spirit of the RHPS the comment stays.
Lauren: Panties are neat.
Patricia: That's not what I meant, Lauren. It's time for us to reveal the panty list.
Lauren: Oh, the panty list.
Patricia: Yeah.
Lauren: Not my opinion on the institution of underwear in general?
Patricia: Nope.
Lauren: Oh. But for the record I like going commando. It makes me feel free.
Patricia: Information overload! But . . . me too. And no one wants to hear about this, so let's get on with the show.
Sirius Black - Lauren: black leather tie on underwear, so Lupin can rip them off with his teeth.
Sirius: I'm not gay!
Patricia: Oh hush, ya big poof!
Lupin: Yeah, hush ya big poof!
Sirius: Hey, you're supposed to be helping me out here!
Lauren: What, helping you out of the closet? It's pretty simple: (sings) You take you left foot out, you take you right foot out, slap on your leather panties and shake it all about . . .
Sirius: Dammit, they aren't panties!
Lauren: What else would you call something with a velcro crotch?
Cho Chang - Patricia: This doesn't even require creativity. She wears exactly what Harry imagines she wears: all girly, flowery cotton. Maybe with little ribbons and rosettes.
Lauren: But she at least has to have one black pair of French cut panties, and a matching black bra. She wore it when she went to the Yule Ball.
Harry: (pant, pant)
Patricia: Yeah, but only Cedric knows for sure and dead men tell no tales.
Harry: That's right, Cho's single again!
Ginny: (loudly) Hey, Harry, wanna see My Little Pony? (A/N: See 'Ginny Weasley')
Vincent Crabbe - Lauren: This is too disgusting to even consider. He's probably in the Peter Pettigrew school of underwear.
Fleur Delacour - Patricia: Boring! Little French tap pants with matching bras.
Lauren: Isn't that what all French girls wear?
Patricia: Yeah, I think it's a law or something.
Cedric Diggory - Patricia: Oh please, he's in Hufflepuff! Tighty whities are the most creative thing they can come up with. It's daring if they're in some color other than white.
Cedric: Why does everyone always pick on Hufflepuff?
Lauren: Shut up, you great lump.
Patricia: I find two things creepy about this. First of all, Cedric is supposed to be dead. Second of all, we're talking about a dead man's underwear.
Lauren: (shudder)
Cedric: It's really not cool to refer to me as 'dead guy.' I have feelings too, you know.
Patricia: Get back in your box, dead guy!
Albus Dumbledore - Patricia: Dumbledore is a man for all seasons - he has different underpants according to the weather.
Lauren: So during the summer and spring, it's boxer shorts with glittery blue stars and a comet that zooms across his behind.
Patricia: And during the fall and winter, it's long johns with a butt flap in the same pattern.
Seamus Finnegan - (holding up his robes) Look, look, look!
Dean: Have you no shame? The world doesn't need to see your He-Man briefs.
Lauren and Patricia: (laughing) Hooray! We love Show and Tell!
Seamus: Well, they aren't any worse than your Thundercats underpants. That's why I call you Lion-o, you know.
Dean: (feigning hurt) I thought that was because I was such a tiger in bed!
Seamus: Eh, you're a big pussycat
Professor Flitwick - Patricia: Well, he has to shop in the children's department, so my guess would be briefs with characters on them. Scooby Doo most likely.
Lauren: . . .
Patricia: What, nothing to contribute?
Lauren: He's the midget Professor, isn't he?
Flitwick: Vertically challenged, thank you.
Lauren: Go away, scary!
Patricia: Do they make underwear for the show "Charmed"?
Flitwick: (leaning over and grabbing the hem of his robe) Here, let me show you!
Patricia: Show and Tell is not allowed!
Flitwick: Seamus was allowed to show!
Patricia: That's different. He's Irish.
Gregory Goyle - Patricia: My mind isn't comfortable in this place. See 'Peter Pettigrew.'
Hermione Granger - Patricia: Day of the week underwear, always worn on the proper day, of course.
Lauren: Or glow-in-the-dark theme panties.
Patricia: Huh?
Lauren: Like that Strawberry Shortcake crap.
Ron: Could I say something about Hermione's strawberry shortcake?
Patricia: Begone, small perve! Back to the bottom of the list!
Rubeus Hagrid - Patricia: Enormous wooly boxer shorts that he knits himself.
Lauren: Though he's so hairy that he doesn't really need underpants.
Patricia: Disgusting!
Madam Hooch - Patricia: I happen to really like Hooch. She's a tough old broad. But I just can't picture her in grandma panties.
Lauren: Yeah, she has more of a "Mae West" vibe to her.
Patricia: Victoria's Secret?
Lauren: Yeah, although she's also been known to buy from Frederick's of Hollywood when she's to spend time with that someone special.
Patricia: Who, McGonagall?
Hooch: Yeah, sometimes.
McGonagall: You've been cheating on me, you little wench?
Hooch: Just with Sinistra. She's so mysterious.
McGonagall: Well, I've been cheating with Sinistra too, you ho!
Hooch: Oh, don't make me lay the smackdown on you, bee-yatch!
McGonagall: Bring it on, you skank-ass whore!
Everyone: JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!
Lee Jordan - Patricia: Lee would be our novelty boxer shorts man. Black with smiley faces, glow-in-the-dark, vibrating-
Lauren: Vibrating?!
Patricia: Yeah, those damn magical folks have everything.
Lee: (vibrating) Hallelujah!
Viktor Krum - Patricia: Included because Fleur was, but really, what's his point? Everyone knows that Ron and Hermione belong together.
Lauren: Yeah. Okay, I'll just say boxers with the Bulgarian . . . Bulgarian . . . well, whatever his Quidditch team was emblazoned all over them.
Neville Longbottom - Patricia: Only Percy knows for sure!
Lauren: Briefs with patterns on them, like stars and stuff.
Patricia: Nah, I bet he's got a kinky streak. I'm going with thongs.
Percy: Would you just leave him alone already?
Patricia: Percy, you're so sweet when you defend your lover!
Percy: (fuming)
Lauren: So are we right about the thongs?
Neville: (whispers) Yes.
Patricia: Lots of different colors?
Neville: (even more quietly) Yes.
Lauren: Like the way they feel?
Neville: (barely audible) Yes.
Patricia: Do you call Percy 'Big Daddy' when you're alone?
Neville: (on a roll) Yes . . . (blushes) Damn you!
Percy: You're so sweet when you talk dirty, baby. (They run off to snog in a corner.)
Remus Lupin - Patricia: Hmm, this is bit of a conundrum. He'd probably like to be the tighty whitey type, but his wolfie side won't allow it.
Lauren: Boxer-briefs?
Patricia: Most likely, but he goes commando when the moon's waxing.
Lauren: And when he's a wolf he goes au natural.
Patricia: Well, naturally. A wolf in underwear would look stupid.
Sirius: He looks good no matter what he wears - or doesn't wear as the case may be.
Patricia: And you know this because . . .
Sirius: Oh shut up.
Lupin: You shut up - I have better uses for that talented tongue of yours! (They run to a corner and snog with much enthusiasm.)
Patricia: Moon must be waxing.
Lauren: Yup.
Draco Malfoy - Patricia: very, very expensive black or green silk bikini briefs, made by a Parisian designer. His father picks them out for him.
Lauren: Hmm, good choice Lucius.
Lucius Malfoy - Patricia: Ah, the man we love to hate! This isn't really as difficult as it may seem. Everyone knows that real wizards don't wear anything under their robes. The hard part is convincing Draco of this truth. Draco just loooooovvveeesss the feel of silk against his . . . uh . . . skin. (Blushes)
Lucius: My son is underage, you pervert.
Patricia: That never stopped you, Snape, Harry, Ginny, Hermione, or anyone else in the wizarding world. Draco's like the party favor of the Harry Potter books. Everyone passes him around and toots his horn.
Lucius: It's not my fault he's such a hottie! He was written that way!
Draco: (hands over his ears) Lalalalalalalalala . . .
Minerva McGonagall - Patricia: Does anyone else think that McGonagall would make a great dominatrix?
McGonagall: (throws down Hooch, stands, cracks a whip) Just what are you implying?
Lauren: Let me guess, Professor: black silk panties, suspenders, fishnets, and a garter belt?
McGonagall: How did you know?
Lauren: Woman's intuition.
Peter Pettigrew - Patricia: Old, gray, and saggy in the bum, you sick, sad little thing.
Lauren: Ditto.
Madam Pomfrey - Patricia: Nurse panties, whatever those may be.
Lauren: That's disturbing no matter how you think about it.
Harry Potter - Lauren: Tighty whities.
Patricia: Definitely. I don't think it'd even occur to him to wear something different. It wouldn't be 'proper.' Can you imagine how huge Dudley's underpants were on him though? It'd be like having your very own circus tent.
Lauren: AHHHHHH! No midgets, no!
James Potter - Patricia: Like father, like son.
Lauren: Only without the midgets.
Patricia: (snickering) Well, maybe one midget.
Lilly: I assure you that you're wrong.
Lauren: Hey! Dead chicks aren't allowed to speak!
Lilly Potter - Patricia: Victoria's Secret. Her bras and undies always match.
Lauren: Too true.
Chas Shay - Patricia: As the best friend, I must decline comment.
Lauren: Whatever they are, I'll bet they're pink and feathery like his man boa.
Chas: MY WHAT?!?!?!?!
Lauren: Chill out; I meant the prop.
Chas: Oh, okay.
Lauren: (whispers) Not really.
Professor Sinistra - Patricia: Very little, because she's Hooch's sweetie kins!
Sinistra: I really resent this, you know. I never do anything in the books.
Lauren: But your name is really sexy.
Patricia: Not to mention the fact that McGonagall and Hooch are having a cat fight over you.
Sinistra: (looks) No they're not. They're snogging.
Patricia: When the hell did that happen?
Sinistra: I'd better go remind them just who their sweetie kins is. (Goes and joins the female professor snog fest.)
Severus Snape - Everyone in the entire universe: NOTHING!
Patricia: Here's why,
1) On a purely physical level, it's his masochistic instincts kicking in. It's cold in the dungeons, and he likes to have as many things to torment himself about as possible. It doesn't make any difference - the man's hung like a centaur.
2) The man's hung like a centaur, and nothing makes such a man feel manlier than letting the vine swing in the jungle breeze. (Sings) Snape, Snape, Snape of the jungle, long as he can be! AHHHHH, watch out for his tree! . . . (Stops singing) not to mention that no underwear has been invented that can contain that thing of his.
3) Remember, real wizards wear air under their robes.
4) Please, with a name like Severus Snape, do you really think he wears underwear?
Professor Sprout - Lauren: Granny undies. And she was too busy repotting to join us today, so there will be no snogging for her!
Dean Thomas - Seamus: Thundercats, Thundercats, Thundercats! Save me, Lion-o, save me!
Dean: You're really an annoying little git, sometimes.
Seamus: Go on love, give us a peep!
Dean: (lifts his robes with enormous dignity)
Patricia: Did I mention that I love Show and Tell?
Flitwick: Hey, I feel as though I'm being discriminated against!
Patricia: You are, but your turn's over. Register complaints down the hall, please.
Dean: There, I've publically humliated myself. Could we please snog now?
Seamus: Whee! (Drags Dean away.)
Lord Voldemort - Patricia: We happen to know for a fact that Voldie shops at Hot Topic - it makes him feel eeeeeeeviiiiillllll. He's got the spiderweb thongs and the fishnet thongs.
Lauren: He's also got the ones that say "Evil as Sin."
Patricia: You know, I'll bet he also has Harry Potter briefs.
Harry: Ugh, I don't even want to think about that!
Patricia: What, your face plastered across his privates?
Harry: (vomits)
Lauren: You know, I could also picture him in pseudo-fetish underwear. Like black rubber with a giant safety pin across the front.
Patricia: Hee hee, Voldie wears pervy diapers!
Bill Weasley - Patricia: Your basic patterned boxers, although I'll bet going commando is a hobby of his.
Lauren: I don't know who he is, so I'll stay out of this.
Bill: Are you two finished? Can I go snog with Snape now? We're gaining popularity as a couple, you know.
Patricia: Be my guest, although you should be aware that he's hung like-
Bill: (grins) Why do you think I love him so much? It ain't for his personality, let me tell you. (Drags Snape into yet another corner where they - you guessed it - snog.)
Lucius: Hey! I have the monopoly on Snape Snogging! (Runs to the corner and joins in.)
Bill: Damn, Lucius! You're a good kisser!
Lucius: What, did you think that Voldemort only taught us scary party tricks?
Charlie Weasley - Patricia: Sensible briefs, but generally colored, not white.
Lauren: No comment. See 'Bill Weasley.' And he couldn't join us because Gringotts got broken into again.
Fred Weasley - Lauren: Briefs featuring either Spiderman or Batman, depending on what pair George isn't wearing.
Patricia: Yeah, the twins are reputed to share everything (identities, clothes, spit) so why not underwear as well?
George Weasley - Patricia: See 'Fred Weasley.'
George: Yeah, why not? I do.
Patricia: Twincest is best?
Twins: Hell yeah!
Fred: Look at that beautiful face!
George: Oh gerroff Fred; you're gonna make us blush.
Fred: Time for snoggies, my pet? (The predictable ensues, only, being the Weasley twins, they don't bother with the corner bit.)
Lee: Hey! Feeling a bit left out here!
Twins: Weasley Sandwich of Love! (Lee joins them. Mass snogging ensues.)
Ginny Weasley - Lauren: Theme underwear, My Little Pony.
Patricia: That's so true.
Ginny: (again) Hey Harry! Wanna see My Little Pony?
Draco: I do, I do! (They run to a corner and snog. Harry gets jealous and joins in the snogging. It's the first time he's ever really noticed Ginny, but . . . eh . . . he's noticing Draco a bit more.)
Harry: (mournful) Can I ever go through a fic without being sexually confused?
Patricia: Shut up and snog! Voldemort may carry you away at any moment and submit you to terrible things. You should be grateful that everyone loves you and wants to snog your brains out.
Harry: Oh, right. (Returns to corner - snogging ensues.)
Percy Weasley - Patricia: Tighty whities, but they're way too tight. That's why he's such a tight ass.
Lauren: In some circles, Percy is known as 'the black hole.' He's so retentive that everything gets sucked in.
Patricia: Especially Neville. (As Percy and Neville are still snogging in the corner, they aren't available for comment.)
Ron Weasley - Patricia: tighty whities, only they're hand-me-downs because the Weasleys are so poor.
Lauren: Hand-me-down underwear is just so wrong.
Patricia: Although he might have a pair of Chudley Cannons underwear that he got when he was younger. The elastic's coming undone and one leg has almost completely unraveled, but he keeps them anyway.
Ron: I hate you both. (Looks at the next name on the list.) Oh look, I'm on top of Oliver Wood.
Oliver: You bet you are, sugar britches!
Hermione: (moving to intervene) Hey Ron! Weren't you saying something about strawberry shortcake earlier?
Ron: (groans) Sexually . . . indecisive . . . Attracted . . . to . . . both . . . Hormones . . . raging . . .
Hermione: (lifts her robes. Her panties say "Friday")
Ron: But Hermione, it's Tuesday!
Hermione: I know, but I'm feeling kinky. (They snog madly.)
Harry: Wait a second! I get paired with them all the time! What about me?
Patricia: Greedy little slut, ain't he? (She and Lauren watch with amusement as Harry runs back and forth from Draco and Ginny to Ron and Hermione then back again, snogging whomever he touches first.)
Lauren: Look, it's Snog Tag!
Oliver Wood - Lauren: flannel boxers, (hopefully) tight about his man bits.
Patricia: Calvin Klein boxer-briefs, white except for the days on which there are Quidditch matches; then they're Gryffindor scarlet with gold trim. And yes, they are indeed tight about his man bits.
Oliver: And I'd like to point out that being last on the list sucks, because everyone else has a snogging partner already. (Pouts).
Patricia: That's right! We forgot Marcus Flint!
Oliver: No, no, no, that's okay! I saw his teeth in the movie - a bit too ickle for my tastes, thank you.
Lauren: (surveying the room) Well, there are still some people without snogging partners. Chas, Dumbledore - no wait, he just got dragged into the all-female Professor snog - Hagrid-
Oliver: No, I'll just be lonely.
Patricia: Wait, I have an idea! (She does the "I Dream of Jeanie" head tonk, and Sean Biggerstaff [played Oliver Wood in the movie] appears.)
Oliver: (Screams with delight and jumps the confused actor. They snog into the sunset.)
Patricia: I'm so proud!
Lauren: You know, that might even be more perverse than the Weasley Sandwich of Love.
) (
---
End notes: Yeah, I'm sure we forgot about eight billion people. Tell us who else you want to see on this list and we'll do a revised version! And if you disagree with any of our underwear descriptions, we want to know that as well!
Love,
Trish and Lauren