It's been 30 years since I lost you. 30 painful, terrible years.
I would've joined you by now, but you made me promise not to kill myself and I'm not going to break my last promise to you.
Oh God, I miss you su much. I miss your smile, your eyes, your blush and simply everything about you. But what I miss the most is your soul. Your beautiful, pure and perfect soul.
I stand here in the middle of our meadow, the place where you wanted a part of your ashes to be scattered. I can almost see you lying there, your beautiful eyes closed and a smile on your lips. Do you remember how much time we spent here together? Because I do. I remember every single detail.
I also remember our trip to Phoenix. We were at your old house, where you, Renée and later Phil lived, before you moved to Forks. There's also a part of your ashes scattered, just like you wanted it to be. It was in the middle of the day and my skin sparkled brightly, but we didn't care. We had our latest, well gifted brother with us. He made every human forget about the strange sight. You told me a lot about your childhood and I found out that I really enjoy the heat. We said we would buy a house somewhere near Phoenix, somewhere we could be alone in the heat. But we never got the chance to do so; you died before we could. Esme keeps telling me to buy a house there for myself, but I can't. It would remind me too much of you.
Even after all those years thinking of you hurts a lot. I'm forbidden to remember and terrified to forget. I always try to distract myself, like you did when I left you so many years ago. I still haven't forgiven myself for doing this to you. I remember you telling me that Jacob healed you by just being with you. The day after you died I went to see him. When I told him what happened to you he cried a lot. After a while he got angry and swore to revenge you. And he did, your murderer is dead now. Jacob really loved you. And he deserved you, too. He would've been better for you.
Oh, Bella. I can't stop blaming myself for what happened. It's my fault that you died. It it weren't for me, your scent wouldn't have been at our house, Demetri would have never smelled, tracked and fatally injured you. If it weren't for me, you would be alive and happy and probably with Jacob. He suffers so much and so do I. We get along surprisingly well now, I can even call him my best friend. It's been 30 years and neither one of us stopped loving and missing you and we both never will.
Do you remember the minutes right before you died? You told me where to scatter your ashes. I always knew that you didn't want to get buried, the thought of rotting under the earth always freaked you out. That's why you wanted to get incinerated.
The rest of your ashes is scattered in La Push at the beach, just like you wanted it to be. Everyone there misses you, too.
Do you know what my happiest memory of you is? Our wedding. I still remember every detail. You looked so beautiful in your dress. Of course you always looked beautiful, but you in the dress was the most beautiful thing I ever saw. Your hair was shiny and smelled like roses instead of strawberries like it usually died. I told Alice you wouldn't need any rouge, you would blush anyways. And I was right, when I saw you walking down the aisle your cheeks were bright red. And your lips, your beautiful lips, they looked full, glossy and kissable. Your lip gloss tasted good, even to me. But the most beautiful feature of your perfect face were your pretty, milk chocolate brown eyes. I remember that they were full of love and wonder. After all the time we spent together you appearently still wondered why I wanted you, even though I was the one to wonder. You were such a pure, bright and perfect person and I was, and still am, a monster.
I can almost hear you telling me that you love me, I can almost feel you caressing my skin, I can almost taste you kissing my lips and I can almost see you standing in front of me in all your beauty. I love you so much, my one and only love. I miss everything about you, but what I miss the most is your soul. Your beautifl, pure and perfect soul.
It's been 30 years since I lost you. 30 years since my sky collapsed.