It was like being underwater. His vision was slow and obscured while his eyes seemed to burn. It was like being numb. He couldn't hear the violent swings of the rotor blades, just as much as he couldn't hear the yelling of his partner beside him. Reno turned to look at Rude, his eyes vacant. A small voice -faint in his unnaturally quiet, seemingly sedated mind- was shocked at seeing his partner so distressed. He recognized the thinly veiled fear as Rude yelled at him, while Reno piloted the helicopter straight for the ground.
A hand shot out, strong fingers covering his own and then directing the cyclic stick to the side and up, avoiding the ground. He was quiet through the entire situation, watching absently as his partner was forced to land the air craft in his stead.
Minutes after landing and Rude was extracting his hands from the cyclic again, as he was unable to release it himself.
There was no wall of Turks to greet them, no Tseng to receive their failure. Reno followed Rude across the landing pit and into the building, surrounding himself in the realization that nobody wanted to greet them just as much as he did not want to be there at all.
He came to and found himself sitting in a chair, in Rufus' office; both unaware and uncaring that he could not recollect the journey there. Rufus was standing before him, face ashen and eyes searching his face for any sign of recognition.
"Do you have any idea what you did out there?" Rufus winced immediately – a rarely witnessed action that was wasted on the incapacitated Turk- and rephrased his question.
"Out there, in front of my own damn building. Have you nothing to say for yourself?"
Hollow eyes fixed onto the ground as Reno mumbled "didn't do anythin' sir. Just coming back, followin' orders."
"I am sure that neither Tseng nor I ordered you to use a helicopter to take out both yourself and your partner."
"I suppose not, sir"
Rufus sighed. Their failure to retrieve Zack Fair and Strife had become an immediate disturbance. The wave of despair that had drifted over the team was both a testament to the influence Zack had had on all them as well as a costly reminder that Rufus' subordinates still retained very human emotions. Tseng had simply disappeared –and would remain unreachable until he had faced his grief- and now he had a near catatonic Reno, incapable of being left to his own devices.
He always chose the line of professionalism, except when it came to the matter of a particularly vibrant red head. No amount of discipline or threats had ever deterred the rebellious Turk before, so he doubted ordering Reno to 'get over it' would solve anything.
He dropped to one knee in front of the Turk. Reno's knuckles were white as his hands gripped the arms of the chair tightly and Rufus covered them with him own.
"I understand. We all face a time when we loose the ones we love"
Two distinctly angry eyes focused on him, an unidentifiable mixture of vivid greens and blues that glossed over with unshed tears.
"It wasn't like that, we were just friends"
Rufus could hear it in the faltering voice and the way Reno ignore the hands on his own, or the soothing thumbs that made comforting circles. He could sense the hatred emanating from the man. The self hatred that came with pride; because Reno most certainly would have hated being seen like this, especially by Rufus.
"You damn well know there's more than one kind of love. And you should know, despite your reckless behaviour, lack of respect to the point of endangerment and complete disregard for logic, that you have to let yourself grieve."
"Sir..."
Despite his reluctance, Reno was taking Rufus' hands in his own. His jaw locked tightly and lifted his head in defiance of his own pain as Rufus continued.
"No. I will not have that pitiful face on one of my subordinates. What happened out there today was horrible. A tragedy. But it was not your fault"
"You don't get it, if I hadda just-"
"You are a Turk. For god's sake this was not your fault. The mission was a failure, but you are not to blame. You pulled no trigger, you held no one captive."
"It wasn't just a fucking mission!"
There it was; the passion and anger that always came with Reno. The same feverous attitude that Rufus had secretly admired. He took hold of Reno's shoulders as they began to shake.
"I know, and it wasn't just anyone. To you, and to countless others, Zack Fair was an incredible man. A wonderful person who's potential for greatness and kindness of soul was unfathomable. But his death cannot be the end of you as well."
Reno broke from the chair, falling into Rufus and holding him with fierce desperation. Rufus took his head in hands, steadying him as Rufus shifted to sit on the floor, back against the desk behind him. He pulled Reno forward between his legs and leant his forehead against the Turk's.
"We… we were going to get them home. And…everything was going to be okay."
He made a choking sound, and tried briefly to escape as if he had just realised where he was. Rufus held him tighter, ignoring the struggles.
"There are people here who need you. There are people here, as flawed and damaged and restless and pained. And we need you to be alright."
Reno leant in to the warmth of Rufus' neck, accepting the comfort and whispering repeatedly in confusion.
"Zack was coming home…. Fucking home. I was gona bring him home"
He succumbed completely to being held, allowing Rufus to rock him back and forth. He made murmured apologies, breathed heavily, cursed and question. But he didn't cry. Rufus pulled his head back, holding Reno's gaze with determination – to bring him back, to not let him fall into the easy damnation of self blame.
"I will not step forward, unless I know you are behind me."
Reno blinked rapidly, lowering his gaze and parting his lips. Despite the pain on his face and the tears in his eyes, the gesture was arousing. He leant forward, kissing Rufus roughly. If it had been anyone else, Rufus would have refused the action, not wanting to take advantage. But this was Reno, and words and warmth were never enough. He let his suit jacket be removed, allowed himself to revel in the feel of shaking hands sliding up his shirt and dragging nails with sensuous pressure.
There would be a time, later, when they would talk about what Reno had seen and the friend he had lost. But for now, Rufus covered the Turk's mouth with his own, his tongue dominating with velvet warmth and carnal comfort. His kissed the prominent cheekbones, the devastatingly beautiful face that remained dry despite the sadness he could taste on Reno's skin.
"There is a time and place for honour. Tonight, I will be your protector and tomorrow you will lift your god dam head with pride."