- Hey guys! This is my first fan-fic. It's pretty dark, and I DO plan on continuing it. Takes place a few weeks after the attack on the collector base in Mass effect 2. This chapter is mainly between Miranda and Shepard, but the next one will have Liara, and maybe a few chapters down, there will be fun times with shep and her asari. But for now enjoy the dark depressing story of Coping With Insanity-

Chapter One: The Break

Shepard smiled at how well the pistol fit in her hand. She held it close every night since the attack on the collector base. Faces flashed before her mind. Jacob. Legion. Grunt. Thane. Samara. She remembered every command given that resulted in their deaths. She would have given anything to take back those orders. To put herself in their place.

Alone in her cabin, Shepard sat on the edge of her bed, head back, staring out into the void of space. The blue wisps of the ships shields franticly moving over the ceiling window made her head spin. She leaned forward with her elbows on her knees. Her pistol hung from one hand, and a bottle of rum was clutched in the other.

Bright explosions covered her vision as she felt herself being shoved to the stars.

A hissing sound came from her helmet.

Frantic panic sets in as she claws over the back of her neck, trying to cover the leak.

Head splitting pain. Her chest felt like it was being ripped open from the inside out. Blood was pouring out of her mouth.

Choking.

It lasts for eternity.

Quickly lifting the bottle to her mouth, she emptied its contents. Relishing in the burning as it seared down her throat and harshly landed in her stomach. Staring hard at the bottle, she realized it was the aged rum Jacob had given her. Knowing her taste for the harder stuff, he got it as thanks for helping his father. Self-hatred crashed upon her so quickly, her entire body tensed. Wanting to lash out at anyone, anything, but no one was there. "Because I ordered them to their deaths."

At that moment, the sound of her door opening brought painful light into her room. With a quick glance she saw it was one of the crew from the CIC deck, a data pad in his hand. Before he even had the chance to take one step, Shepard unleashed her hatred.

"GET OUT!" she flung the empty bottle at the door, just missing the young man. It shattered against the wall. She may have been drunk and angry, but she knew a broken bottle to the face could kill someone. She aimed to the right to avoid more blood spilling on her hands. She heard a yelp before her door hissed shut. The crew should know better by now. Didn't she tell them she didn't want to be disturbed? Maybe she didn't. She couldn't remember. She fell back on her bed, laying spread eagle over the unmade bed. After a few moments when her head stopped spinning so fast, she brought her hand straight up. She held her pistol before her eyes and regarded it as if it were her closest friend. She admired the soft glow of the thermal clip, and how the metal warmed in her hand. She counted the few chips along its casing, remembering the many times she had run out of ammo and used her side arm to bash in the skulls of her enemies. She noticed the safety was off.

An ongoing routine this has become. She got drunk every day, but every few nights, she would partake in a solo drinking game. Take a shot when you hurt, until you hurt enough to end the pain. She would let her mind wander and take drink after drink of whatever liquor she had on hand. Her cabinet was pretty much empty of the hard stuff at this point. She shed a tear at the lost rum. The last thing she had of Jacob. She didn't even have the empty bottle anymore because of her actions.

Slowly she stood up, facing the fish tank. Her eyes blurred until all she saw was the soft glowing blue. Not sure if she was crying, or if she was just really drunk, her thoughts had strayed to a certain Asari. Her heart filled with a painful ache when she remembered Liara saying she wanted to be back on the Normandy. What if she failed again? What if she gave the wrong commands, but this time, it was her bondmates face growing cold and pale? What if Liaras blood was added to the stains on her hands and pools around her feet? The fear was crippling. She went to take another drink, then laughed when she remembered, once again, the rum (and its bottle) was gone. Suddenly, she couldn't stop laughing. The thought that she was so drunk and all she wanted was another drink to accompany her pain was hysterical.

The door wooshed open again. Shepard only laughed harder because now she didn't have anything but her gun to throw at the intruder. No way in hell was she going to let go of her savior now. Tonight, the invincible Commander Kara Shepard, who had killed Saren, taken out armies of Geth, husks, and bounty hunters, wiped out the collectors, destroyed a humanReaper, and hell, even survived death... finally couldn't stand the pain anymore.

"Commander?" Miranda asked from the door way, nervous to enter without permission. The room was dark. The lights from the fish tanks were dimmed. The room stank of stale booze and dirty clothes. When the stench of old vomit hit her, she nearly fell backwards. Her attention was brought near the bed when she heard laughing. Her eyes started to adjust to the darkness. Shepard was standing, barely, by the edge of the bed. She could make out her taller, now slightly frail shape. The Commanders cargo pants were hanging loose on her hips. Her once form fitting black tank top now looked baggy. Her long dark mahogany hair, usually kept pulled back in a low ponytail, was loose and matted. Her scars still hadn't fully healed yet. they glowed slightly on her cheek.

As far as Miranda knew, Shepard hadn't eaten in days. She never saw her eat. She was almost always drinking though. She had to warn the crew whenever she saw the Commander drinking. Shepard was a mean drunk. Miranda had come up to once again try to get her to eat, expecting another argument that ended with her threatening to have Shepard sedated, and the Commander threatening to have her spaced if she didn't leave. But she was laughing. Sheppard had a crazed smile on her face, one she usually wore when charging into battle. Her eerie growing laughter made Miranda feel a small pang of fear. She wasnt sure, but... were those tears? There was a slight red glow that slowly rose to Shepards left temple. It was a glow that Miranda knew well.

"SHEPARD!" Miranda dropped the tray of food and threw a biotic field around the pistol before Kara could get a shot off. The crazed Commander only roared with more laughter.

"What now Lawson?" She spat from behind gritted teeth. "You caught me RIGHT when I was about to pull the trigger!" Glowing red eyes shifted towards Miranda and she nodded towards her hand now encased within the glowing blue field. Her laughter shifted into a low growl. "The second you let go, that trigger is going to be pulled." Miranda was panting from the shock of what had almost happened. She had seen that look so many times before in Cerberus test subjects. Pure insanity. Her stomach fell, when she saw her Commander this way. She was nearly on the verge of tears.

She also knew that Shepard was right. There was only so much Miranda could do with biotics. Sure she could keep her subdued, maybe even get the weapon out of her hands. But this was Shepard. This was also Shepards room. There could be weapons stashed anywhere. She knew the Commander kept an extra pistol under her pillow at night. She even kept a rather large knife under the mattress. She could keep Shepard in the biotic field, but for how long? She had seen their opponents try to subdue Shepard in battle before, but they were never able to hold her for very long. Even now, she knew Shepard was only going along with her imprisonment so that Miranda could figure out her next move, but it wasn't going to be long until she started fighting back. How was she going to make sure the Commander couldn't hurt herself? Even drunk, she was a master at hand to hand combat. If Miranda were to get anywhere within arm's reach of the Commander, even if she could keep both of her hands immobilized, Miranda would quickly kind herself with a few broken bones. She could always knock the Commander out by slamming her against a wall, but the resulting concussion could only make things worse. She could try to talk her down, but Shepard had a silver tongue. She could fool Miranda into thinking she was okay after a few words, and even handing over the gun, but she could carry out her deed with a hidden weapon as soon as she let her go. Drastic measures had to be taken.

"EDI." Even when the AI's blue hologram popped up, Miranda never took her eyes off Shepard.

"Yes, Ms. Lawson."

"Contact Dr. Chakwas. Tell her what happened. Have her bring tranquilizers and an application gun."

EDI's avatar winked out. Miranda and Shepard glared at each other in the brief silence before the Doctor came through the open door. When the Commander saw the gun in the Doctors hand, she scowled in absolute hatred. Miranda could feel Shepard start to struggle against her biotics. The Doctors only response was a sad look as she took aim, and shot the Commander in the shoulder with a tranquilizer. Shepards eyes begin to droop, but she was still standing. Fighting the sedative with everything she had. Chakwas shot her with another tranquilizer to the shoulder, and finally, the Commanders eyes fell shut and her knees collapsed, no longer able to hold herself up. Hanging in the air by the biotic field around her hand, they waited a few moments to be sure she was really out. Chakwas slowly walked up to the Commander and knelt beside her. She lifted two fingers to her neck as the other hand removed the darts. She nodded at Miranda and caught her when she released the field.

Miranda had also come up to the Commanders cabin to tell Shepard Liara had called. She wanted Kara to know she was going to stop by in a few hours. Now, all she could think of was how the Shadow Broker was going to react to finding out her lover had gone completely insane.