I posted this fic a long while ago under the penname 'Derek Barnes' but It was taken down for some reason. After if got some mean reviews because of the 'anti-slash' messages in it. So let me say – up front I'm not a slash-basher.
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Clarks: Off the Counter
"Attack of the Clones?" Randal said, putting down his Wizard magazine, "What the fuck is that?" For once Dante and Randal do not sit at the counter of the Quick Stop, but in Randal's room. "Oh, shut up Empire Strikes Back isn't much better. George Lucas may be a good writer but his naming sucks. He might as well call it 'Jedis,' or 'Chasing Darth.'"
"Whatever, all I know is that if that fucker Jar Jar is on this one, I'm burning down the theater." Randal said, getting up to put in another movie. "Why must you try and fix every problem, dispute, or bad movie with arson attempts?"
"Hey, Bevis and Butthead Do America disserved it. Light a fart with this you big headed bustards!"
"So what's up next?"
"Scream 4, The Yelling, big-breasted bimbos, make fun of big-breasted bimbos doing stupid thing in scary movies while trying to be so ironic and funny by roasting themselves and the entire horror genera which has now become what they made it: not scary, and stupid."
The phone rang, "In and Out Burger," Randal answered "May I Take Your Order?" Randal covered the mouthpiece of the phone, "That's from Fletch Lives."
"Uh, huh," said Dante, dully.
"What!?" Randal said into the receiver, "Who!?!, Why!?! When!?! What!?! With Who!?! On What!?! In Where!?! Covered in What!?!" Randal hung up the phone.
"What was that about?"
"Boss wants us to come in at five."
"What? No way, I just worked all last week!"
"Oh come on, you know how this goes; boss calls, you freak out and wind up behind the counter, why not just skip all this and maybe we can fit another movie in."
"Fine."
"First, I wana check Fanfiction.net."
"What's your obsession with that site all of a sudden?"
"I started a Bluntman and Chronic Strikes Back category and now it's all Jay and Silent Bob slash, it's great!"
"…And imaging those two idiots naked, and engaged in homosexual love interreges you why? "
"Oh shut up, I send the stories to them, heh heh, Darth Randal strikes again."
Dante sighed, "Like living with a child."
Dante and Randal pulled up to Comic Toast, the local comic shop, it was barren now that Randal's cousin's store is so popular. "Hurry up we're gonna be late." Said Dante, driving Randal to irritate the clerks of the comic world had become a regular thing for Dante. He wouldn't do if he didn't hate them so damn much.
"Tell him Steve-Dave!"
"Now why don't you and you're little fag parade take your slacker-asses somewhere else!"
"I was just asking if my scout troop could use the bathroom…" The bewildered scout leader stammered. "We don't support any organizations where children are made to where matching outfits and camp outside. When they could be reading comics or something productive. Now take you're leave before I call the cops on you and your NAMBLA wana-be club!"
The shaken scout-master walked out, the bell ringing as he did. "Fucking assholes thinking they can just walk in here and use our bathroom?"
"People have no class anymore," Walt added.
"You got that right, old chum."
The door opened and in walked Randal Graves.
"Speaking of no class…" Walt said. "What do you want?"
"Well, I wanted to know I you have the knew "GreenDevil" comic by the guy who did Daredemon?" Randal said. "Sorry," Walt said, "We don't carry crappy pap like that, why not try your asshole cousin's shit-hole store?"
"It's sold out." Randal said, smirking as he served the full shelves. "Haven't had the morning rush yet, huh?" "Shut the fuck up Graves, once the novelty of Brodie's Secret Stash wears off, they'll be back."
"Yeah," Randal said, "wrangling" out the door "Keep telling yourself that…"
"I hate that fuck."
"I hate those fucks." Dante and Randal pulled beside Quick Stop. Dante noted Jay reading from a laptop (no doubt from what was left of their newly- acquired money). Jay was reading aloud…best he could….
"Bob slowly pulled out… then pushed back in, his eyes prak-tick-lilly crossing from the tig-ight-ness." Jay stood there a bit while he registered that he had just read…
"WHAT!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? WHEN I FIND OUT WHO KEEPS WRITING THIS SHIT I'M GONNA FUCKING KICK THEIR ASS! I'LL GET MY JAILBIRD GIRFRIEND TO KICK THEIR ASSES FROM HERE TO NEW FUCKING JERESEY!"
Bob whispered something in Jay's ear. "Well, how the hell should I know where we are?"
Dante and Randal stand, well, slump really on the counter of Quick Stop. Neither say a word. Until:
"Hey, I was thinking, what do you think our next wacky adventure will be?"
"I don't know…"
What should Dante and Randal's next wacky adventure be? Review and let me know and it just might be in the next chapter!