Chapter One: Feeling
Sinking deeper, down, down, down the black mass starts from the core and drops down to the very core to my sex throughout the rest of my body.
It is not my heart in which aches it is my soul writhes and crashes against my chest wildly thrashing in my cage.
This feeling of tightness this feeling of complete and utter despair this emptiness; this weight I cannot fathom what it is. What is it? This hateful urging feeling within me, though not sad, not angry, not happy, but lost this pushing need causing my eyes to become misty, the moisture suddenly dripping down. Yet even with this release not even a feeling of relief passes through just and ever greater acclimating feeling of loss. No more desire to go on dreams have died since long ago, yet these hateful feelings are still here.
Alone.
I am, even in this home family around me, I cannot help but to feel estranged from them. This cavern in my chest keeps growing I feel as if I may burst or more explode it's so empty.
Restless
Laying here, nothing is wrong, I should be tired, no I am tired but yet again this feeling this annoying feeling just won't let me be.
Fear
I fear that this has become maddening, shudder that this blackness will overcome me. Dread the idea of telling another aside from you, you, my journal my friend the only one who shall know.
Hate
To tell another brings great distress in the end everyone judges; silently, constantly, and they laugh. Oh the laughter they find humor in mocking me; I despise them I cannot help but want they're existence to cease. Banish all who look upon me.
Jealously/ Envy
Hateful heathens born with the silver spoon in grasp, haughty, overbearing, disdainful, not even taking the slightest appreciation to what was given to them. Envious so envious loving oh so loving family to lov and to be loved.
Wrath
Something, just something need to destroy something, maybe someone. Break something need to break something maybe this feeling will go away if I could break something to the point that it becomes similar to my soul. Shattered, torn, stepped on, beaten, malnourished, unloved.
No one will love me someone so estranged I am a freak. I want to feel this thing called love, love seems to always slip my fingers an unheard whisper a fleeing wind. It seems I can only love myself since love is just an idea for me. Constantly I fear it yet the desire for it burns my essence to deep.
Love can be skin-deep and I sneer at the fact that it generally is.
I close my eyes and just imagine how it would feel to love the feeling sends shivers that arouses me to the point of needing to release this desire this need for my soul to be filled. The step toward loving another will always never be taken, people are maddening deceiving shallow.
That is why I resort to self-exile, I do not desire another's presence, and these creatures are far too much of a burden. To be alone is much easier even with these feelings.
People all around are a reminder of who I am, and a reminder of my past and of that person, I am hateful soul.
I am Gaara no Sabaku one who shall only love himself, self-preservation is the key to life.