Disclaimer: I don't own them and never will.

She had hung back and let Martha and Alexis do most of the talking. They had done a good job of bringing up the points she would have made and Rick looked so defeated and repentant that she hadn't seen the need to contribute much. Silence reigned when they finally entered their bedroom and she paused momentarily when he stopped and looked around as if unsure what to do. When he started to change for bed she continued into the bathroom after grabbing what she intended to wear.

Unfortunately, her churning thoughts did not congeal into a plan of what to say to him. She really wanted to be there for him, she really did. She just wasn't sure what to do and not even knowing for sure how she felt about it all just complicated matters. Her heart seemed to stutter in her chest when she returned to the bedroom to see him sitting dejectedly on the side of the bed. She now knew what she had to do first; she sat beside him and searched his face for clues as to what she should do next.

He had reacted to her being next to him and when he turned an anguished look toward her she almost seized him in a hug but the fact that he seemed ready to speak to her stopped her from doing that.

"Why didn't you give me a harder time about what I did?"

Her mouth opened but nothing came out as she had no idea what exactly he was talking about. She felt that making any sort of assumption at this time would only make things worse, possibly much worse.

"You're going to have to give me more to work with here, Rick. Exactly what should I have given you a hard time about?"

"Going to Montreal alone today. I mean after all of the… crap I gave you about charging off on your own on your mother's case I just did the very same thing to you. I am such a hypocrite."

His last moment word substitution made her smile inwardly but none of that was allowed to show on her face. This was a serious issue and the parallel between their obsessions hadn't even occurred to her yet so she had nothing ready to say. As she thought about how to respond, she reached out and took his hand and the hesitation in his return squeeze after their fingers interlaced spurred her to reply more quickly than she would like. She really hated this uncertainty that was nearly suffocating her since his return.

"I am in no position to throw stones on that issue. You may have repeated my mistake but only once so far. I have no idea how many times I did it. I have much more to be ashamed of than you do. The important thing is, have you learned something from that?"

His solemn look as he stared into her eyes transfixed her in place. "I will make the same promise you gave me. We'll do this together or not at all. In fact, my judgment on this whole issue is obviously impaired. If we disagree on what to do – or maybe more importantly what not to do – then I promise to defer to you. Remind me of this if that ever happens."

His unconditional faith in her made her regret her reactions since his return even more and what she did next was not planned at all, it was just a pure instinctive reaction. Her free hand went to the back of his neck and she pulled him in for a fierce kiss. When the kiss ended, they put their foreheads together and she found that his free arm had come around her shoulder while she was too preoccupied to notice.

"I'll be right beside you in this, Rick. You supported me in my quest and I'll be there for you for as long as you need me."

"I'll always need you."

Her smile was uncontainable as she pulled her head back to look at him and she saw a spark of relief in his eyes as they gazed at each other. When she saw how tired he was she spoke up. "It's time for you to finish getting ready for bed. I'll be waiting for you." Their slow parting showed reluctance from both of them about separating.

Once he had disappeared into the bathroom, she slowly moved over to her side of the bed and got in facing his side and she contemplated what else she might need to say to him. She resolved to shove her uncertainties aside and help him with his. He was the one who had gone through some sort of life-threatening ordeal, not her. She had gone through plenty of anxiety, fear and doubt but certainly not any more than he had. She had to back up her words with actions.

He looked very preoccupied when he returned and her heart went out to him yet again. Since she didn't know where his thoughts had taken him, she remained silent, cuddled into his side, used his shoulder as her pillow and put her right hand on his chest. She found the feel of his steady heartbeat under her fingers very reassuring after all their time apart. She was waiting for him to start any conversation they might have and the wait became long enough that she was drowsy and slightly taken off guard when he spoke.

"After what I did to them, to you, how am I supposed to let all of that go?"

Her nerves tingled with her anxiety, she couldn't afford to hesitate as this was a very important question but what should she say? "I don't know. I struggled with that same thing with my mother's case and you know how that went."

"Do you think it is possible? To live with it, without ever knowing?"

The pain in his voice spurred her to get off of him and face him. She had to read him better to know what to say, this was too important to get wrong. "Oh, Castle. This is completely different." She paused to gather her thoughts and get this right. "Whatever happened to you, you knew the truth. You chose to forget. After it all happened, you decided to forget and there had to be a reason."

"Maybe that is why I wanted to forget, so I could come home to you."

She felt a blush and after a quick smile at him, she ducked her head to recover. After a few moments of silence, his voice was different as he continued.

"I've been thinking though, should I believe what he told me?"

Her head snapped back up as she regarded him curiously. "I don't know; I wasn't there."

His grimace made her realize that he'd taken what she said incorrectly. "No, I only meant I have nothing to go on. I didn't see him or hear his voice so I don't really have an opinion. What do you think?"

"I'm not sure. He started very aggressive, I thought he was about to shoot me. That's the moment I realized how incredibly stupid I had been. He said I shouldn't have come back. He demanded to know if I remembered anything and he only backed off a little when I told him no. But the way he convinced me that it was my decision, I realized that I had to take his word for how he learned it. We know there are drugs like scopolamine that can make you do almost anything. Maybe it wasn't my decision."

"That also raises a lot of other questions. Did I really do the money drop voluntarily? The way I looked around after putting it in the dumpster, that isn't how you make a drop, I know that. Was that intended for the FBI? I had to know that you would see it too. I can't understand how I could possibly do that. I could have gotten a message to you somehow, why do it that way?"

"And the video messages too. Did I do them voluntarily? Why was that window in the background? I know that backlight can ruin a picture. The weird way we managed to find the messages. That key was not a great clue. We had no idea what it might mean until the guy came in with the photo. Even if we placed ourselves behind tourists taking pictures, how would we know we'd be in the pictures? Be recognizable? Would any of them ever even notice? Me being adrift in the ocean is another thing. I could easily have died. They could have found a corpse and the key would have remained a mystery. If I wanted to come back, why would I voluntarily take such an incredible risk? Why is it suddenly over? Why was that guy so scared I might remember? If it was just my choice, what would be the big deal to him?"

"And is he friend or foe? He claims to have done what I asked but why did he react that way? Why the gun? On the other hand, he decided to believe me and let me leave unharmed. It's all so confusing."

She had considered some of what he had said but the scopolamine angle had not occurred to her. She was embarrassed that that possibility had eluded her. "That's a lot of good questions, Castle. We have a lot to think about."

"'We', I like the sound of that."

Her shy smile made a quick reappearance before she added something that had occurred to her while he was talking. "Maybe killing you outright was dangerous to them because of your father. They might know about him. Maybe their decisions are not entirely their choice either."

"That's a good point too."

He was looking thoughtful rather than anguished so she relaxed back into him and returned to her former position as she feathered her fingers over his heart.

"Should we start planning a new wedding or just bypass all that and just go to a justice of the peace?"

She moved her head back to look up at him and moved her hand to his cheek. "We have time, Rick. We can talk about that when we reach solid ground again. Getting married won't answer our questions or resolve any issues. I want to marry you. We're still engaged and I'm not going anywhere. Let's take the time to do this right."

Rick sighed before answering. "You're right. How long do you think we should wait to talk about that?"

"I'm not sure, how about a month?"

He turned his head down to look her in the eye with a small smile on his face. "It's a date."

She grinned back before saying, "I love you."

"I love you back."

She returned her head and hand to their former positions to get comfortable again. She was a little surprised when he spoke up again; she'd thought they were done.

"Do you remember when you asked me about why I write murder mysteries and I made up a story?"

"Yes."

"When we reach solid ground again, if you're still curious ask me again and I'll tell you the real story."

She was touched but a little wary as his tone suggested this was a very heavy subject. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. You deserve to know more of my story, what made me who I am."

"I might take you up on that."

She hadn't looked up at him but he seemed relaxed and his heartbeat was slow and steady so she decided not to worry about what that was about. Then she noticed that she was relaxed and actually smiling. It took her a moment's reflection to realize that she felt better and she knew why. They were communicating better and he was opening up to her. She now felt more confident that they'd get past all this to solid ground again. They were finally going to get their chance to be incredible together. She could feel that in her heart again and she drifted into sleep still smiling.