By rwusydney
Ship: Joan/AdamSpoilers: This takes place directly after Episode 19, "Do The Math." You need to see the episode to understand what is going on here.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I am in no way affiliated with the show, Joan of Arcadia. This story is written purely for my own enjoyment (and hopefully for others as well).
Author's Note: Special thanks to Denis for the beta read and to Lyz for the advice.
______________________________
I can't decide which kiss was better. The first one was special because he'd finally forgiven me after being rightfully angry with me for what seemed like an eternity. I was sure that we'd never be friends again but then he walked into our kitchen on that beautiful, sunny morning, handed me his mother's letter and let me back into his life. At the time that was more than I even dared to hope for so the kiss was quite a surprise. Even if I hadn't been talking directly to God for months, I would've been sure that God existed when Adam kissed me that first time.
Tonight's kiss, the second one, was special because we're finally on the same page now. As Adam said, he feels the same way I do. It's weird being sixteen years old and already connecting with another person so deeply that we understand each other's thoughts and feelings without really saying anything out loud. That's the thing about Adam. Everything is very intense with him and that's not necessarily a bad thing but it sure is scary sometimes. That's why I flaked out the first time but I've come to realize that all of life is pretty intense. I've witnessed a lot and been privy to some pretty hard-to-take information during my tenure with God and being around Adam numbs the pain and makes me feel more normal. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Adam "gets" that life is pretty intense too.
We've been sitting quietly on the front steps for awhile now and I'm amazed at how comfortable it feels in comparison to the first time he kissed me. I hear the door click behind us and I glance behind to see my mother.
"Hi Adam. I didn't know you were here."
"Hi Mrs. Girardi," he gives her an embarrassed little wave that makes me smile.
"Joan, you should come on inside. It's getting late. You'll be sorry when your alarm goes off in the morning."
"Two more minutes, Mom."
She nods, says goodnight to Adam and heads back inside.
Alone again, I lean into him. "I wish we could stay here forever."
He moves to put his arm around me. "I know. Me too."
"Is it going to be weird for you…at school…?" I ask nervously. I manage a glance at him and say, "because of Iris."
He shrugs and seems sad. "I don't think she's going to talk to me ever again."
"Oh, Adam," I reach up and touch his face. "You taught me that people have a great capacity for forgiveness. She'll come around and if she doesn't, she'll be missing out on a great friend."
He smiles sadly and says, "I should go, Jane. Your two minutes are up. Your Mom will be back any minute."
I roll my eyes, "Yes, yes, she lives to annoy me."
He stands and pulls me with him and suddenly it's awkward between us. Who knew that just moving from our spot on the steps would change things?
"I'm really glad you came tonight," I say shyly.
"Me too, Jane."
Without looking at him, I move forward and wrap my arms around him, pulling my blanket with me. He returns the embrace and suddenly I'm remembering our dance on the sidewalk not too long after the first kiss. I should've known then when we fit so perfectly in each other's arms that it was pointless to fight against it. I could've spared Adam the trouble of hurting Iris. I could've spared myself the embarrassment of being a jealous person.
Reluctantly I pull away from him. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, Jane," he says with a smile.
"Okay, well, goodnight." I lean in tentatively and kiss him again. As I lay in bed that night, I contemplate and compare the third kiss to the first two.
In the morning I wake up with my alarm and I'm ready to go so early that my mother asks me if I'm feeling all right. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I have all these emotions mixing around inside my head that it's hard to identify a single feeling. I know I am excited about seeing Adam again today but I'm nervous about Geometry class. I wonder if I'll have to pretend like last night didn't happen whenever we are around Iris. I so much do not want to have to make that sacrifice. Instead, I yearn for Chemistry class when Iris will be nowhere in sight and Adam sits right beside me. My mother hands me a plate of toast but I refuse it.
"You have to eat, Joan."
"I can't stomach anything right now. I'll take a granola bar with me or something."
"Are you sure you're feeling all right? Did something happen with Adam last night?"
I think for a minute about telling her but it seems weird to confide in my mother about something like this. I roll my eyes, and pull my jacket on. "I'm fine. I swear. I'll see you later."
"Don't you want a ride?"
"No, I need the walk."
"Have a good day!" she calls after me.
When I get outside, Adam is standing on the sidewalk. He looks up when he hears my footsteps and I smile and feel my heart beat a little quicker.
"What're you doing here?" I say fully aware of the stupid giddy grin I am wearing on my face.
"Can I walk you? To school?"
"Yes," I say giving him a peck on the cheek. "Yes, please."
He offers his hand to me and I think of that night in Adam's shed when we listened to Eva's piano recording and the way he slowly reached for my hand. As I take his hand, I wonder if it will feel that good every time we hold hands. I smile to have the confirmation that it feels pretty much the same.
"So, how are you today?" I ask him as we walk. I need to talk because, for some reason, the normally comfortable quiet between us is awkward on this day.
He shrugs, "I'm good. How are you?"
I glance at him and try to read his mood. I can tell he isn't really "good" and that something is on his mind. I get nervous and fear that he is regretting the decision he made last night. Maybe in daylight, Joan Girardi as girlfriend isn't such an attractive proposition after all.
"Hey," I say tugging on his hand a little bit to stop our walking. I stand in front of him and look directly into his eyes. "What's wrong?"
He holds my gaze for a long moment before he sidesteps away from me and continues walking. "Nothing's wrong, Jane."
I feel a burn in the pit of my stomach and I turn to follow him. I walk beside him, leaving a respectable distance between us, thinking of what to say next. As we get closer to school, I wonder if I should just let it go until the end of the day. Letting things go is not my specialty (especially not since God entered my life). In this moment it's easier, though, because I'm convinced I'm just prolonging my own inevitable heartbreak.
In front of school we bump into Grace. "Did you two do your Chemistry homework? I need some help with the last one. I just asked Friedman but he got all technical about it."
"I'm sure Adam can help you," I tell Grace. "I have to get going. I have a thing to get to."
"What're you joining today, Girardi?" I hear Grace call after me but I don't turn back. I just need to get out of there and away from Adam.
I quickly grab my books out of my locker for my morning classes and head for the bathroom. As soon as I walk in, I see Iris standing at one of the sinks and the bathroom is no longer the safe haven I'd planned on it being. I decide to act guilt free even though I don't feel that way. I toss her a hello and grab the closest stall. Inside I take a few deep breaths and try to think about today's schedule. Geometry and Chemistry are back-to-back at the end of the day and until then I should have some luck avoiding Adam completely. I could go to my Mom's class for lunch and confirm her suspicions about my not feeling well. Maybe I can get her to dismiss me before the end of the day so I won't have to face Adam at all.
"Joan," I hear Iris' baby-voice call to me. "Are you okay? You looked…upset." She sounds more annoyed than concerned actually.
"I'm fine Iris. Thanks for asking," I call out to her trying to sound as solid as possible.
I hear her sigh and mumble something under her breath then she pushes the bathroom door open and is gone. I know the bell will be ringing in less than five minutes so I gather my things and make my way to homeroom. Outside my homeroom door, I see God. She is familiar to me; I met her the first time in the bookstore just as I was contemplating telling Adam about my secret. She is the same God who taught me the importance of observation and being present in the lives of others. Surprisingly enough, I am happy to see her.
"Don't give skipping your last two classes another thought, Joan. You know now how important Geometry is and you have a Chemistry test on Monday. You need the review period!"
I roll my eyes. "And to think I was happy to see you."
"We don't have time to talk because the bell is about to ring," she responds. "But don't skip class. You've worked so hard and I think you owe it to yourself to go to class. Besides you shouldn't run away from things that scare you. Frankly, I thought you'd learned that lesson already."
I open my mouth to argue but the bell rings.
"Don't be late for homeroom, Joan." God waves and takes off down the hallway towards the school office.
The morning classes go by pretty quick which doesn't surprise me. It always seems to happen that whenever I want something to go a particular way, it will almost always go the opposite way. At lunch time, I get in line to grab a bag of chips and a soda. I plan to go to my mother's classroom and hope that I can work up the nerve to defy God and convince my mother to let me go home early. I pass my usual lunch table and Adam and Grace are there. Grace notices me but I just wave and act like I've got something to do. I can feel them both staring after me as I exit the cafeteria.
My mother is surprised to see me. She is used to me avoiding her like the plague while we're in school and she is skeptical when I tell her I wanted to have lunch with her.
"There is definitely something up with you," she says. "Do you want to tell me?"
I sigh and pull a chair up to her desk. I think again about seriously confiding in her and I know I need to tell someone. Grace wouldn't want to hear it so my mother is really the only option. "Okay, please just listen and don't ever repeat what we discuss here."
She nods agreement and smiles knowingly.
"Last night I thought Adam and I had worked things out…"
"So, you're together?" she asks with excitement.
"Mom," I whine. "You promised you would listen."
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Go on," she says making the zipping gesture across her lips.
"Well, this morning he was acting so weird like he changed his mind or something and I asked him what was wrong but he said there was nothing wrong. I know he is probably upset about hurting Iris' feelings because that is just the kind of person Adam is. I expected that much. But this morning he just seemed totally out of it and I'm trying to avoid him now because I don't want him to tell me he's changed his mind about us. I came here to convince you to let me go home so I won't have to see him or Iris in my last two classes but I know I shouldn't skip. I have a test in Chemistry on Monday and my grades are so bad in Geometry that I need all the help I can get. It's just, I don't know what to do, Mom. I'm not even sure I'll be paying much attention in class anyway."
"First of all, Joan, you're not skipping class," she says.
"Gee, thanks for the compassion, Mom."
"You can't avoid Adam forever. And you don't know that whatever is on his mind is necessarily bad. You shouldn't jump to conclusions."
"But Mom you should've seen his face."
"Look, honey, I have it on good authority that Adam feels very strongly for you. I don't think he could just change his mind overnight like that. Give him a chance to tell you what's on his mind."
I sigh and slouch down in the chair. I glance at the clock and it's almost time for Geometry class. "Okay, I guess I better go. I'll see you at home, Mom."
"Good luck, honey."
When I get to the classroom, Adam is already there. I do have to admit that he looks relieved to see me. He still seems as sad as he did that morning, though. I take my seat which is diagonally behind his desk and he immediately turns. "Are you avoiding me, Jane?" he asks me in a low, very sad voice.
I think for a moment about how to answer this. I shrug and say, "I got the feeling this morning that you'd changed your mind about us."
He looks surprised but doesn't say anything because Iris has entered the classroom and she's heading for her seat in front of me. Adam and I both say hello and she makes an effort to be friendly in return. I feel bad for her and I can see that Adam does too. I'm glad when Mr. Campbell starts the class and despite my earlier prediction that I wouldn't be able to concentrate, I'm so happy to have something other than Adam or Iris to concentrate on that I take the best notes of my life. Even Luke would be proud.
"Where have you been all day?" Grace asks when I take my seat in Chemistry class.
"I've been around."
"How come you bailed on lunch?"
"I ate with my Mom." She looks at me like I'm on drugs and even Luke turns to question my sanity on that one. "What? I mean, Mom's not that bad."
As Ms. Lischak starts lecturing, I turn and catch Adam's gaze. He actually smiles this time and I'm more confused than ever. I hope he didn't feel this bad after the first kiss because, if he did, then he should probably still be mad at me for it. God told me I'd confused Adam after that first kiss and I'm beginning to wonder if this is some sort of payback.
"So, are we getting together to study over the weekend?" Grace asks after the bell rings. Adam and I exchange awkward glances and Grace rolls her eyes. "What's going on with you two?"
"There's nothing going on," I insist as I shove my Chemistry book into my bag.
Grace glances between the two of us curiously. I'm afraid to hear what she's going to say next so, before she gets the chance to speak, I say, "Come to my house tomorrow at 3 and we'll study. I'll see you then." I rush off.
Quickly I pack my bag with all the books and notebooks I need for the weekend, I put my jacket on and head out. At the exit, I see Goth God and I try to duck out of his vision but realize how stupid that is. God can see everything, even when it's not within his peripheral vision.
"I'm proud of you, Joan. You went to class."
"Like I had an actual choice," I say pointedly.
"You're still running away, though. Shouldn't you talk to Adam?" he asks with a nod towards the hallway. I spot Adam at his locker, packing up his bag for the weekend.
"If Adam wants to talk, he knows where to find me."
I start to go and God puts his hand on my shoulder. "I thought you were clear on the fact that sometimes Adam can't always verbalize his feelings. You've been good at getting him to open up in the past."
I sigh and glance down at my feet. "Look, I know what he's going to say and I just don't want to hear it."
"How can you possibly know what he's going to say? Don't be so quick to assume. You've been wrong before, especially where Adam is concerned."
I sigh. "Well, you know, maybe if you would fill me in more often then I wouldn't be wrong so much."
He laughs. "I have to let you make your own mistakes. That's how you learn and grow." He glances beyond me and throws me his famous wave. "Well, I'm off. Have a good weekend, Joan."
I groan and readjust my bag on my shoulder, watch Goth God walk away. Then I hear Adam's familiar voice. "Hey, Jane."
"Adam. Look, can we talk? Do you have a minute?"
"Yeah. Do you want to…walk?"
I nod and start down the front steps of the school. I wait until we are about a block away from the school before saying, "So, am I right to assume that you've changed your mind?"
He looks at me with the same hurt and surprised eyes that I saw in Geometry class. "Have you?"
I sigh. "Why are you avoiding my question?"
"I…I'm not."
"Look Adam…everything was great last night and then this morning you were weird and standoffish and I just assumed that the prospect of being my boyfriend was not as attractive in the light of day. If that's how you feel…well, just tell me. Please."
"Wait a minute, Jane," he says coming to a stop on the sidewalk. "That's not how I feel. I'm…I'm sorry if it seemed that way."
"Well then, what's wrong, Adam?" I plead with him.
He hesitates, pulls nervously on his winter cap. "You remember how I said that I was scared last night?"
"Yes, I remember. But you also said being scared didn't matter."
"Well, when I saw you this morning it mattered. I just really couldn't wrap my mind around the idea that you and me were really happening. I clammed up. I didn't know what to say or do and I didn't want to do the wrong thing. I guess I ended up doing that anyway."
"You don't have to do or say anything special, Adam."
He looks at me and after a moment he looks away like he's embarrassed. I grab his hand and pull him gently so we're walking again. We walk in silence for a little while and I think about what to say to make him understand that there's basically nothing he can say or do that'll change how I feel. I already tried to fight those feelings once and it didn't work so I'm done fighting now. I give up. I'm just lucky he'll have me after what I've put him through: smashing his best sculpture, going to the dance with Ramsey, flaking out on him after the first kiss.
"This thing with us might be awkward for awhile," I finally say. "But I think that's just because it means so much."
He looks at me. "It means a lot to me too, yo."
I smile and think hard about whether I should finish my thought. Once it's out in the open, I can't ever take it back. I look over at Adam and I know he is worth the risk. "The first time you kissed me, I knew how much it would mean," I admit. "I think that's what scared me. I didn't expect to meet you when I was sixteen."
He stops walking and I look over to see him watching me. He has tears in his eyes and he looks as surprised as he did the night he stopped by the house after I'd sprained my ankle and I nearly admitted that I was in love with him. He is so innocent and vulnerable and, if anything, that's what scares me the most. I can see right in his eyes how easy it would be to hurt him and I never want to do that again. But I am not a perfect person and God sometimes asks me to do things I don't always understand or interpret correctly before it is too late.
I move toward him and place a soft kiss on his lips and he responds by offering a deeper kiss. The fourth one is the best by far. It makes me look forward to the millionth kiss. It makes me hope that there are so many more that I lose count.