Title: The Art of Lying.
Fandom: Zombieland.
Author: Awesomesauce123.
Summary: Tallahassee realizes Columbus's tale about the girl in the back of the FedEx truck is B.S. He decides to teach the ex-college student a little about telling lies.
Author's Note: I have officially become obsessed with Zombieland. Tallahassee, Columbus, and Little Rock were the shit. I could do without Wichita and her bitchiness, but whatever. The movie was still one of the best I've ever seen.
"Where's the fuckin' Twinkies?!" "This Twinkie thing is not over." "Shitfuck!"
-snortgiggle-
"Bullshit."
Tallahassee's southern twang sliced through the silence that had fallen over the Cadillac like a knife sliding through butter. His voice was loud and impatient, edged with a disbelieving growl.
Columbus lifted his head. He had been studying the denim of his pant leg for almost five minutes, and the sudden sound of the older man's frigid voice raised the hairs on the back of his neck. His brown eyes were wide with surprise as he gazed up at Tallahassee, whose own pale blue eyes were narrowed with suspicion beneath the brim of his cowboy hat.
"What?" the lanky teenager asked, not quite sure what to make of the abrupt insult.
Tallahassee sighed and glared over at Columbus from the corner of one slanted eye. "I said it's bullshit. The FedEx thing. You gotta think I'm some kind o' spit-fuck if you expect me to believe that a scrawny little weasel like you can bed a woman in the back of a goddamned FedEx truck." The Cadillac slowed as Tallahassee swiveled his head around to peer suspiciously at the ex-college student.
Ohio shrugged. He winced when he felt his shoulders tremble with supressed fear under the probing stare of the ragtag zombie hunter. Eyes wide with what he hoped looked like innocent confusion, Columbus said in a shaky voice, "I-I have no idea what you're talking about. Of course I was telling the truth."
The sound of Tallahassee's sudden, vicious laughter caused Columbus to jump in his seat. The seatbelt cut into his chest. Tallahassee continued to laugh, until the malicious and grotesque sound raised goose flesh along Ohio's thin arms. Tallahassee's laughter was loud and long and startling, and it continued until the older man ran out of breath and was able to turn his wild eyes back to the deserted, scarlet-splattered road ahead.
"You serious, you lil' spit-fuck? I must seem like a fuckin' dumbshit, if you still think I believe that bull." He sounded wild and serious, an odd combination that caused the fine hairs along Columbus's arms to stand erect with nervous tension.
Columbus sank his teeth into his lower lip and twirled the string suspended from his jacket lapel between his thumb and index finger - both nervous habits he had acquired as a child.
He realized that Tallahassee had sounded surprisingly sure of himself. Columbus wondered if his little white lie had really been that shallow and transparent.
As though Florida could read his thoughts, he glanced back at Ohio and said seriously, "You are fuckin' horrible at lyin', ya know."
Columbus blanched and turned to stare at him. "How do you even know it's a lie?" he asked. There was only a brief moment of time in which Columbus was able to mull over where the sudden spurt of confidence had come from, before Tallahassee burst into another round of wild and unsteady laughter.
"What's that s'posed to mean? Did you really think you were tellin' me somethin' believable? Trust me, ya weren't."
Columbus sighed. He could already tell that the time he and Tallahassee would spend together in the future was going to be tense and angry and odd.
When Tallahassee calmed down enough to reply, he glanced back at Ohio and said, "Ya know, I think ya need a lil' lesson in the wonderful art o' lyin'."
Columbus stared over at the ragtag zombie slayer with awe written plainly across his face. It was replaced not a second later by the expression of suspicion that rolled like ominous stormclouds over his thin face.
"What do you mean? Why would I need to be taught how to lie?"
Tallahassee rolled his eyes, but continued to focus on the long and empty stretch of road spread out before them. "Listen here, kid, I didn't ask to play Twenty Questions with ya. I just think ya need to learn how to tell a believable lie." He sounded so serious, so grave and sure, that Columbus wasn't able to conjure up a suitable comeback after a minute of scrambling around for one.
He settled for short and simple, instead. "All right." Then, out of paranoia more than true fear, he added, "But no funny business. I don't need to get my butt killed just because you think I have to learn how to lie."
Tallahassee only laughed.
***
Almost two minutes later, Columbus turned a heated glare on a grinning Tallahassee.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked. He nearly blushed when he heard the faint tremor of embarrassment in his own voice.
Tallahassee only chuckled. "Please. Don't act like a lil' spit-fuck just 'cause I think you need to keep lyin' about yer sex life."
Columbus bristled.
"I do not need to lie about my sex life!"
"Uh, yeah, ya do."
Ohio threw himself back in the passenger seat and glared up at the padded ceiling of the Cadillac. He realized it was a childish move, but he could think of nothing better to do. The only other option available was to get into a screaming match with the man in the driver's seat. But Columbus could only visualize how that would end: not prettily.
"Aw, come on, kid. Don't sit over there an' pout. That just makes ya seem like an even bigger pussy," Tallahassee quipped in a manically cheerful voice.
Columbus continued to glare up at the padded car ceiling.
From the driver's seat, Florida snorted and shook his head. Columbus found himself wondering selfconsciously if the ragtag zombie slayer was thinking of how stupid and childish he was. The irrational thought caused an odd sort of embarrassed flutter to begin in the pit of Columbus's stomach. He straightened slightly in the passenger seat, bringing selfconscious brown eyes back to the blood-stained pavement stretched like an endless, yellow-and-black ribbon ahead of the Cadillac.
Tallahassee glanced at the scrawny ex-college student from the corner of one pale, averted eye. The edges of those critical, wild blue irises were edged with red veins. Sleep deprivation, Columbus's mind murmured as he looked over the stubble-lined face of his "partner."
"Damnit, kid, would ya just let me tell ya somethin' useful? Fuck, I don't think I ever saw someone as bitchy as you," Tallahassee growled.
Columbus, startled, looked up at the older man with wide brown eyes and a slack jaw. Then he caught sight of the wild spark in Florida's eyes, along with the sharp grin, and he felt a sigh of relief escape his lungs. He may have looked scary and rugged and wild, but at least Tallahassee didn't look angry.
Ohio, with a grave smile and a roll of his eyes, slumped back in his seat and replied, "Why the hell not."
A spark of emotion that could almost be called respect flickered through Tallahassee's averted eyes. But then he was grinning and shifting the Cadillac into reverse, howling with triumph and laughter as he drove back over the face of a motionless zombie and its mutilated brains painted the pavement a wretched shade of red.
***
"So... you're telling me that I need to lie often?" Columbus's voice was timid and unsure after listening to a ten minute lecture on the proper form of lying.
Tallahassee sighed and scrubbed a big hand over his face. "No, kid. I'm tellin' ya that it makes life a hell of a lot easier if ya know when and how to lie."
Columbus nodded slowly. "So, basically, I just need to learn how to spin a believable tale without hesitation," he quoted from Tallahassee's serious speech.
"And who to base it off of," Tallahassee added, although he seemed relieved that the lanky teenager had at least gotten half of it right.
Again, Ohio nodded. His eyes were distant and glassy, but he took in every word Florida said with intense obedience. That was just the way the ex-college student learned. He traveled to a far and undiscovered land on the outside, but inside he was attuned to every syllable the speaker uttered. That had been how he listened in college, and that was how it was going to stay.
"So," Tallahassee said, and cracked his knuckles. "What would ya say if I asked ya who ya've laid in the past month?"
Columbus mulled over this for a few seconds. Then he put on a fake grin and replied, "Everyone from Andrea to Zoe."
Tallahassee laughed, the loud and wild chuckles that Columbus had quickly grown used to. "That was a good start, ya lil' spit-fuck."
Ohio smiled back. He had realized five minutes into Tallahassee's little lecture that he and the man were never really going to get along, but at least it seemed that they were able to establish mutual agreements of some sort.
"Thanks."
"Okay..." Tallahassee seemed to mull over what to say next, which piqued Columbus's interest a little. He had labeled Tallahassee as the sort of person to jump head-first into a conversation. No preperations, no caution, no care. Just a great and valiant leap into the convo. But now he gripped the steering wheel of the Cadillac in one hand, stroked his chin with the other, and seemed to prepare what he was going to say to the patiently waiting teenager.
Finally, a familiar and wicked grin rolled across Florida's tanned face. Columbus flinched as Tallahassee turned the cunning expression on him.
"Well, since ya seem so proud o' yourself over there, how 'bout a tricky one?"
Columbus paused. Then, bracing himself, he nodded confidently up at the older zombie hunter.
Tallahassee's smile grew. "All right. So, what would ya say if I was to ask what yer last fuck looked like?"
Ohio winced. Tallahassee had warned him about questions like this. If you were too vague with the answer, the listener wouldn't believe you. If you were too vivid with detail, the listener still wouldn't believe you.
Put detail into the important stuff, not the lil' shit like eyes and hair. We don't want 'em thinkin' yer a damn pussy. Tell 'em 'bout tits and legs and asses. Ya might actually convince 'em, spit-fuck.
That was how the ever-wise Tallahassee had so cleverly worded it. But now Columbus realized he was probably right. If Columbus could judge most guys on the ones he had known at college, all they would need to know was the bra size, the length of legs, and the shape of backsides.
So he put on his brave face, twisted to face the grinning driver, and said in his most calm and even voice, "Double D, the most real I'd ever seen. Legs all long and golden and flexible. And her ass was so round and so full, I'd bet money she could've poll danced with a tequila shot balanced on the sucker." Fresh color threatened to spill across Columbus's face, but he held his composure and plastered on a plastic grin as Tallahassee glanced over at him.
Florida looked the most serious Columbus had seen him all day. His eyes were narrowed and critical, the pale blue surrounded by red-stitched white. His mouth was a tight and grim line. His brows were furrowed in the shadow cast by the brim of his cowboy hat.
Then, in less time than it would have taken to snap his fingers, Tallahassee's calculating expression melted away and was replaced by one of the most genuine grins Columbus had ever seen on his face.
Columbus let out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding as Tallahassee burst into another round of southern-tinged laughter. He slapped his palm down on the leather steering wheel and tossed his head back, not bothering to pay attention to the desolate stretch of road ahead. No cars to worry about in Zombieland. Well, except for the sleek black Cadillac that swerved dangerously along the red-splotched pavement and into overgrown fields with every fresh bout of laughter that issued from Tallahassee's lips.
"Ya know, kid, now ya can actually say ya learned somethin' useful."
Columbus smiled and tilted his head back wordlessly against the passenger seat headrest. In the distance, he could see the tarnished edge of a late evening sun, nearly hidden by the line of tall and emerald-topped trees set along the horizon. A coppery orange cresent gleamed from over the tops of the leafy giants.
Tallahassee, in an abrupt burst of affection, reached over and clapped his big palm on Columbus's shoulder.
Columbus could only close his eyes and smile. The feeling of Tallahassee's warm palm through his jacket made Columbus think of a father he had never had. It made him think of missed baseball games and sun-filled days that could have been spent playing the park. It made him think of sunshine and warmth and love, something he had never before given much thought to.
Columbus grinned and turned to glance over at a smiling Tallahassee.
The art of lying truly proved useful.
Fin.
So. As you can tell, this argument took them well past the grocery store they stopped at in the movie. Little Rock and Wichita are nonexistent in this fic. So no bitching. The only reason that is so is because, as much as I love Little Rock, I didn't want the complication of writing the girls into this. They'll just have to wait for the text Twinkie-loving, manical cowboy to come looking for a Hostess treat.
Hope you enjoyed!
~AS123