Her Word by Tyrah Chanel
May 21, 2015
I don't know what else to say or do
I think I'm just going to be silent
Because I know that if I tell my side and express my feelings
No matter what
People are still going to call me violent.
I never knew how powerful a woman's word can be
Until I fell in love with one who would use it to try and ruin me.
I was always oblivious to the fact that hurt people hurt people
But still to this day
I don't know how she could be so evil
Her word
Her word sent me down a road of turmoil and weariness
With dark skies that enslaved me
Keeping me stagnant and joyless
She put chains around my hands and feet
A heavy weight on my body that drained all my energy.
I had to hold those chains up and tip toe around
Not wanting my chains to hit the floor and make a sound
As the years passed
Those chains got heavier
A new link was added on every time I encountered her
I had pain in my back, my legs, my stomach and head
My body and mind was giving in
Years of chances and fighting and unsuccessfully trying to make her change
This has to end
I remember when I first met her
Her eyes were dark with mystery
But she had this certain glow to her that outweighed my curiosity
She had ageless skin and wondrous hair
A smile owned by queens
And a scent that would blow you away
She was the prettiest woman I've ever seen
A year later I fell for her and finally made her my wife
Things were going so well
Love had blocked me from seeing the signs ahead that said "Hell"
How did I not see this hell coming?
Maybe it was her fake colors or my oblivion
Every night sleeping next to a woman
Who was really a in disguised demon
I always thought demons looked the part
Looking and doing evil from every angle
But while being blinded by her beauty and my love for her
I forgot
Even the devil was once an angel
I knew as time went by
I was getting closer and closer to her hell
I could smell the brimstone every time smoke would come out of her ears
She would show me fire over little issues or if I disagreed
I tried my best to forgive her and not fight
But soon it became impossible with her always feeling like she was in the right
It was getting worse
I work hard all day to support her and our family
The last thing I wanted to do was come home to my wife being angry
I come home tired wanting to embrace her and cheer her up
But instead, all I get is a cold shoulder and a "shut the fuck up"
I gave her all of me
And everything that I had
I made sure all of her wants and needs came first
And all of mines came last
I tried to keep her happy
But nothing was working
I was deteriorating
So was my health
I was really hurting
I knew I wasn't enough
When she lied and betrayed
Sending nude photos and "I love you's" through text
And it wasn't to my name
I knew I wasn't enough
When she left my side
Out giving herself to another
While I sat in my car and cried
I knew I wasn't enough
When she effortlessly degraded me
Being gold to people who didn't mean a thing
But making it her job to hurt me
I knew I wasn't enough
After all the chances and forgiving her
Consistently causing me pain, stress, and frustration
Didn't even love me enough to look in herself and try to find a better person
She became someone else
A woman I didn't recognize anymore
Still trying to hold on to the thought that she'd change for the sake of our child
But that possibility was long gone
The screaming and the yelling at 4am
The pressure and blows from her fists hitting my flesh
The glassware shattering at my feet, slicing through my skin
The grabbing and tugging of my clothes
The belittlement
The accusations and interrogations
The scorching hot water from the tea kettle being poured on my lap
The coming home from work and sleeping in my car because of fear
The havoc being made by this devil
Made it oh so hard to sleep at night
It made it hard to eat
It made it hard to smile
It made it hard to function
It made it hard to be me
I had lost myself
I stood in the mirror and could not recognize the man I've identified with all my life.
I knew that for me to get back to being me
I would have to lose her
But I was not ready to do so
So once again
She stabbed me in the back
So hard I fell forward on my face
This time, bracing myself with my hands because I was used to this
This was it. It was over. This was the end.
She lied
Her word
Her word gave me the title of being an abuser for the rest of my life
Her word got me arrested and in handcuffs with no evidence
Her word got me kicked out of my house in the effect of a restraining order
Her word kept me away from my precious child
Her word
Her false word took away a part of my life
The words "He attacked me" and that alone
Was enough to put my life on hold
The hell and scrutiny upon me
Her false word turned everyone's back on me
Her false word brought me hate
Her false word brought me abandonment
Her false word brought me humiliation
And her false word brought me death
Her word won
Her word was believed
And her word was written in stone
My word?
Nobody wanted to hear me
What I had to say didn't even matter
My truth was and still is blocked from all ears
Now you know why in the beginning I said I don't know what to say or do
I know you've heard some people say that it's easier being a man
but sometimes I wish I had a
Genie in the bottle that would change my gender for certain occasions
Because I know that my word is going to be as much security to me as it is a weapon to others
Her word
I don't know what else to say or do
I think I'm just going to be silent.