The Mary-Sue Who TRIED to Win Legolas's Heart
Disclaimer: No own. Anything.
Summary: Written at 2 AM in the morning because I hate Mary-Sues so much that I must write this down. About a Mary-Sue named Mary-Sue (of course – no offense if your name IS Mary-Sue) who tries to woo Legolas but her plans backfire. Muahaha.
Legolas strolled through the woods, enjoying the nice, peaceful afternoon.
While it lasted, that is.
He froze in horror when he heard an annoyingly high-pitched giggle coming from behind one of the trees. No. NO! It couldn't be. A… A… A…
"HI, LEGGY!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Legolas cringed as he turned around. "Hello," he said dully. "Who are you?"
"I'm Mary-Sue! I'm beautiful, everyone loves me, and I have an amazing singing voice! Don't you love me, Leggy?"
"Uh… I am sorry. The city is that way, if you are lost." Legolas took off.
"LEGGY, COME BACK!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"I'm sorry for you, my friend." Aragorn clasped Legolas's shoulder as they, Faramir, and Éomer sat in the lounge, after Legolas had frantically run into Minas Tirith, where they had all been in a meeting. "We all come across these blasted Mallory-Susans, or whatever they are."
"But they always seem to target me for some reason!" Legolas said, face in his hands.
"You should see the ones that try to 'steal' me from Éowyn," Faramir said, taking a sip of the ale that Aragorn had gotten out as soon as Legolas had uttered the words "Mary-Sue".
Éomer nodded in agreement. "The ones that always come after me are ridiculous! It's either they're some sort of amazing rider who's better than all of the rest of us combined, or they've never seen a horse before and are begging me to teach them how to ride."
"LEGGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Legolas let out a yell and ducked behind the sofa while the other three shot up, staring horrified at the Mary-Sue that had mysteriously appeared in the lounge.
"How did you get in here?" Éomer demanded.
"Don't you know? Mary-Sues have some sort of magical ability that lets them go anywhere they want, taking no time at all," Faramir said.
Mary-Sue let out that characteristic, EXTREMELY annoying giggle again and peered over the sofa. "Leggy, can you help me with my archery?" she asked in a whiny sounding voice.
"Um… I am a bit busy at the moment. Go search out one of the other soldiers. They will gladly help you out," he quickly replied.
"Well, of course they'd want to help me. Who wouldn't?" She struck a pose. The four of them seized the moment to run out of the room. "Where did they go? LEGGY!!! ARAGY!!! FARRY!!! MER-MER!!!"
They sprinted down the hall, causing many of the passing servants to stare at four of the most important men in Middle-earth running like rabbits from a wolf.
"Did we lose her?" Legolas asked.
"I don't know, but I think we should keep running, just in case," Aragorn replied. They rounded the corner, nearly colliding with Arwen, Éowyn, and Lothíriel.
"What are you doing?" Arwen asked, looking at the four of them, scared expressions on their faces.
"That is THE worst Mary-Sue that I have ever come across," Faramir panted.
Éowyn groaned. "Another one? I swear, we have an infestation or something."
The four of them suddenly stiffened, eyes wide. "Do you hear that?" Éomer whispered, as the JAWS tune played.
"She's coming!" Aragorn whispered.
"Boy don't try to front, I know just what you are, boy don't try to front, I know just what you are," came a horrible, screechy voice.
"She sounds like a screaming wraith," Legolas moaned, covering his ears with his hands.
"Leggy, I found you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"No…" Legolas mumbled, not daring to look up. Her annoyingly big blue-violet-pink-green-gray eyes ogled him.
"Orcs! Orcs in the castle!" a servant screamed.
"What?" Aragorn demanded. "How can this be?"
Faramir sighed. "Mary-Sues also bring along with them numerous near-impossible situations so that they can prove their fighting skills, which are usually really nothing."
A horde of Orcs came barreling down the hall, and Mary-Sue, with swords somehow in her hands, ran forward. In a matter of seconds, she had killed them all. "Well, that was easy!" she squeaked. The bodies were mysteriously disappearing into thin air.
Lothíriel tapped her chin thoughtfully. "You're right, this IS a particularly bad one. But we know just what to do with it, don't we?" Arwen and Éowyn nodded, and the three of them grabbed Mary-Sue, who was still staring, bug-eyed, at Legolas, and they walked away.
There was a moment of silence. "What do you suppose that they're doing?" Éomer asked.
"I do not really care, so long as she never comes near me again." Legolas sighed in relief. "Why must these accursed 'fanfiction' writers torment us so?"
"Well, this certain one seems to have a mild case of insomnia and summer-boredom," Aragorn said. "It's very common in their community."
The three women dumped Mary-Sue into the room, locking the door behind them. "Hi! I'm Mary-Sue!" she said annoyingly cheerfully.
A blond Mary-Sue nodded back at her. "I'm Rosalinda Amethyst Chrysanthemum Honey Dragonslayer. I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeee Harry Potter, he is SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!"
A redhead was bouncing up and down in her seat. "Oh, please. We all know that Arty Fowl is the sexy one. ARTEMIS, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A group of five Mary-Sues were giggling. "EDWARD!"
"No, JACOB!"
"EDWARD!"
"JACOB!"
"I say Emmett."
"What? No, Carlisle!"
"JASPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Mary-Sue sat down in her seat, and the old woman stood up.
"Now, repeat after me, everyone. I will not freak out my favorite character in whatever story it is that I love."
"I will not stalk my favorite character in whatever story it is that I love," they repeated.
"Protagonists are for admiring from afar, not stalking."
"Protagonists are for admiring from afar, not stalking."
"No one likes people who are perfect."
"No one likes people who are perfect."
"There is a reason why couples are canon."
"There is a reason why couples are canon."
Mary-Sue snorted. "What a bunch of losers."
If you hate Mary-Sues, review!!! I might consider doing some for other categories, and explain just who some of these Mary-Sues are.