A/N: Where Sakura is the vampire and Sasuke is her bitch.
**I am a feminist. I've come to admit it. So sue me.**
**Once again, reaaaaaaaaaaally OOC Sasuke, but hey, this IS AU.**
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, I only borrow characters from that show and make them do terrible things.
Sakura
Vampire stories are so cliche.
I mean, why is it always the guy who's the vampire? You know, the whole damsel-in-distress thing. The girl always gets attacked and she screams helplessly while a guy vampire sucks her blood. In a very sexually-charged, perverted manner.
I cannot begin to tell you how offended I am by this.
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Sasuke
I am so goddamn tired of old men hitting on me.
I MEAN IT. I just wish people would stop mistaking me for a gay.
Or a girl.
Because!!! I am NOT gay - or a girl. What, just because I actually shower and care about my personal hygiene and wear ok, nice clothes I'm homo? Or I'm a girl??
Damn, why did I have to take after my mom.
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Sakura
There goes the umpteenth girl who looked at me with disappointment and went, "What? YOU'RE a vampire?"
She obviously expected some pale, angsty, handsome dark-haired male standing right there who may or may not sparkle in the sun.
"Do I need to start crossdressing or something?" I asked the sky in annoyance before I bit her neck and killed her.
Haha, jk. I don't kill. That's another stupid cliche. It's like - for you humans to eat a 120-pound turkey and throw up all over the place. As if I had that big of an appetite. Plus I have to watch my weight.
So I punched her unconcious, took a good sip of her blood, and then covered up her little wound with a Spongebob bandaid.
There. Lunch, finished.
See, that's why we vampires live so long and never get caught - we clean up nice. And oh, alright, maybe the anesthetic in our saliva that erases a person's memories up to thirty-five minutes before the blood-drinking happened might have something to do with it.
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Sasuke
I did not see what I just see.
RIGHT??
Here I am, regular day, going to Naruto's to shoot some baskets, and I'm passing through my shortcut in one of the alleys and I run into two girls getting it on with each other.
Well, that's what I thought at first.
So I immediately step back behind the wall before they notice. I was shocked because this was the first time I have ever seen... you know... that kind of thing. Anyway, I was GOING to turn away and give up on the shortcut but then, Naruto and Kiba's faces popped up in my head.
"Oh man, are you really gay or what? It's every guy's hottest fantasy come true, two lesbians making out!"
To prove my manliness, I sighed and decided to take a peek.
One of the girls looks up, and I see that her mouth is pretty bloody. The other girl's lying there with her eyes closed and her throat all... bloody.
Now I don't know how kinky things can get, but somehow I DON'T think this is normal.
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Sakura
After wiping my mouth with a Kleenex - good, I did not get any blood spilled on my new shirt - I turned to leave. Time for some shopping, or movies, maybe.
To my surprise, someone steps out from behind a garbage can and confronts me in a poorly disguised brave voice. "What... did you just do?"
I stare at the person for a moment. "You have a really low voice for a girl," I observed.
The person's eyes widened, then narrowed. "I'm not a girl."
"Oh." This was awkward. "Sorry, it's just - your features are really delicate - "
The person - guy, ok, I see now - glanced at my lunch with a frown.
"Don't worry about her, she'll live," I said, stepping forward to move past him.
He flinched and drew back, casting a look of absolute fear at me. "Stay away, you monster."
I noticed that he really had the dark-pretty-boy thing going on. His skin was really pale too.
"Hey," I grinned, a plan forming in my mind. "Do you want to be my minion?"
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Sasuke
Her exact words were: "You're gonna be my slave or else I'll eat you."
Don't have much of a choice, do I?
"My problem is, a guy's blood isn't very tasty. Their skin smells a lot like sweat and that's already pretty gross. A girl's blood is a lot sweeter, ya know? But the thing is, they're hard to catch. Being a girl myself, it's hard to seduce them. Human girls tend to go into dark alleys with some hot, dark, mysterious dude more than they will with a pink-haired girl like me. Most of my previous catches have been either idiots or lesbians (in which case I have to really protect myself).
"Anyway, that's where you come in. You've got the whole hot-vampire look down pat. Girls will definitely fall for a casual 'Hey, wanna go somewhere with me?' You lure them into an alley like this one, or any other secluded area, and I drink their blood. A great plan, see?"
No, I don't see. "What do I get in this?" I demanded.
"The ability to remain alive."
"You just said you don't like to drink a guy's blood."
"Yeah, but your skin is soft, and you smell clean and nice and soapy. I'm betting your blood won't taste that bad. In fact, I would love to pounce on you and dig my sharp fangs into your throat right now if it weren't for your potential usefulness."
I waited. She shrugged a shoulder at me. "So what do you say?"
I glared at her. "Fuck my life."
"That's the spirit!"