Boys Don't Cry 4/3/2003
Mallory York/Threshie ^^V
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, Duo Maxwell, Chang Wufei or any of the other characters and places listed here. I'm just doing this for fun--and the strange fairytale story line is mostly thanks to my sister, Couy-chan-SAMA, who originally came up with the idea to re-write it as a Gundam Wing story. This is dedicated to her. ^^
***
Once upon a time, there was a young prince named Duo Maxwell. Now, Prince Duo was a very cheerful, peppy person, despite the fact that his parents had both died when he was just a baby. He also had a rather disturbing habit of referring to himself as the God of Death, and soon his royal advisor, Heero Yuy (who was obsessed with 'following one's emotions', even though he himself rarely cared to demonstrate this rule) decided to see if the prince was even capable of crying. He issued a challenge to everyone in the land: if someone could make Prince Duo cry without harming him, they would receive half of the royal treasury (which Heero had secretly hidden away most of in case of an emergency, but that's beside the point) as a reward.
The first day of the challenge, a boy about Prince Duo's age with a freaky-looking uni-bang and one visible green eye came by to try his luck at earning the reward. "Watch carefully," he instructed of Prince Duo, who watched wide-eyed and confused as to who this weird person was and why he was here (Heero hadn't bothered to mention this challenge to Prince Duo, himself, after all). The uni-banged boy, whose name which we have neglected to mention 'til now was Trowa Barton (but that wasn't his real name--his real name was Triton Bloom--haha, you actually fell for that? Actually, we don't know what his real name is! Hey, don't feel bad--he doesn't even know! Uh, where was I? Oh, yeah…), (nice comma…) arranged Prince Duo's favorite MS, Deathscythe, on a randomly-placed boulder and promptly blasted its head off with a machine gun.
Unfortunately for Trowa, this didn't prompt the desired reaction--instead of crying at the loss of his favorite MS and his best buddy, Deathscythe, Prince Duo instead went through a short phase of hollering, "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" at the top of his voice, before getting extremely angry and trying to kill the uni-banged boy and prove himself to truly be the God of Death.
Not wanting to delude Prince Duo about being the God of Death any more than he had to, Heero stole Trowa away and let the prince rampage while he, himself, tried to put an end to the green-eyed boy's life. "Omae wa korosu!" Heero proclaimed, pulling out a simple, tiny pistol and aiming it at Trowa.
"Couldn't you at least shoot me with something bigger, like this?" Trowa asked, holding up the machine gun he'd used to rid Deathscythe of its head.
Heero frowned, "You aren't afraid of death at all, are you?"
"No," Trowa said frankly, "I've always been suicidal." He shrugged, "Or at least, for as long as I can remember."
"You shouldn't wish for death," Heero said, frustrated that the uni-banged boy wasn't at all intimidated by his threat, "It hurts like hell."
"Wahahahaha!!" Heero stared very oddly, as Trowa burst out laughing at this proclamation.
"Did I…say something funny?" He asked, putting away the pistol since it wasn't fun trying to kill someone who wanted to die, anyway. When Trowa was too busy laughing to answer, he decided to assume that he had.
Seeing as this first attempt to make Prince Duo (who was rather miffed at not being told about the challenge, and made it very loudly known) had failed miserably, Heero waited patiently for the next person to try their luck.
By and by, another person came along--a blonde boy about Prince Duo's age, with large, turquoise eyes. Wondering what in the world the blonde boy, whose name was Quatre Reberba Winner (but he insisted the middle name be pronounced as a simple initial--R.--because no one could actually pronounce it accurately), could do to make Prince Duo cry, Heero allowed him into the castle to see what he had planned.
Quatre proved to be a very cheerful, friendly person, and Duo was friends with him in no time (but, then, everyone's Quatre's friend--his image song says so). The blonde boy stayed at the castle for a whole month, and still he showed no sign of attempting to make Prince Duo cry. Finally, Heero took him aside and asked what was going on.
"Just what are you trying to do, freeload off of royalty?" Heero demanded, frowning.
"Oh, not at all," Quatre blinked, then he frowned, rather perturbed that Heero would think such of him--him, Quatre Ra-Quatre Re-Quatre R. Winner! "I was not freeloading on you! How dare you think that--I have more money than the whole royal treasury, why would I need to con free room and board out of you?!"
Heero blinked, "Really?"
"Oh, now are you accusing me of lying, too?" Quatre asked, developing the large, teary puppy eyes that always worked on anyone who didn't see things eye to eye with him.
Heero was no different, and grimaced to himself, hurriedly reassuring the blonde boy, "No, no! I just want to know why, if you have that much money, you're bothering with this challenge, anyway? I mean, who needs half of the royal treasury if you already have one bigger than the whole royal treasury?"
"You know," Quatre blinked, "Good point. Guess I'll give up and go home!" He smiled cheerily, pulling a cup of tea out of hammerspace and sipping daintily. Heero sweatdropped.
"Give up? When did you even start trying to make Prince Duo cry? As far as I can tell, you haven't done anything but make friends with him since we got here--he's as cheerful as ever!"
"Well, I was going to try something, but after befriending Prince Duo, I didn't have the heart to!" Quatre confessed, digging the toe of one shoe into the dirt sheepishly. "How can you be friends with him and want him to cry?"
"Oh, forget it," Heero frowned, "You're obviously not going to be any help in completing the challenge's objectives, and you don't need the money, anyway--go back home, already!"
"I was beginning to miss my 29 elder sisters, 40 life-sworn Maganacs, zillion and one royal-sized palaces, castles and mansions and nightly foot massage," Quatre giggled a little, "Guess I'll be on my way, then! Goodbye!"
"Wait a sec, where are you going?" Both turned to see Prince Duo confusedly catching only the last tidbit of their conversation. Heero sweatdropped and frowned, mumbling something about 'mission aborted', while Quatre only apologetically explained that he was homesick and would be leaving, now. "Oh." Prince Duo shrugged, "Okay, c'ya around, Q-man."
"Will do, Du-du-chan!" Quatre smiled sweetly, waving, "Bye!" before disappearing into the sunset. In the background, Heero was too busy tearing his hair out and at last demonstrating the 'follow your emotions'--this time, frustration--tact by growling curses to himself under his breath.
Obviously, the plan wasn't working. There must be some fatal flaw, Heero decided. Having forgotten all about the challenge that his advisor had arranged behind his back over a month ago, Prince Duo was thus completely oblivious as Heero decided to set the stakes a little higher--after all, Quatre hesitated because he, being rich already, had absolutely no reason to finish the challenge.
So, to make the challenge challenging to everyone, rich and poor alike, Heero placed a higher stake--anyone who tried the challenge and failed would be killed by the advisor, himself. Of course, Heero came up with this penalty all by himself, also, and was very proud of it.
With the higher, more dangerous stakes, not nearly so many people came by to try their luck at the challenge, and Heero began to despair at ever finding anyone who could peacefully make Prince Duo cry. A bunch of idiots came by once, calling themselves 'OZ' and claiming to be able to make the prince cry, but they each failed, and Heero killed each one of them in turn. None had come even close to making Prince Duo cry--in fact, the prince had pouted for a full week when Heero wouldn't let him, the self-proclaimed God of Death, kill a few of them, himself.
Half a year passed, in which multiple idiots came to try their luck at the challenge, but each was shot by Heero upon their inevitable failures, and the advisor was no closer to making Prince Duo cry then when he started this crazy little challenge.
After those long six months and the many dead idiots that resulted, finally no one cared to take up the challenge, half of the royal treasury as a reward or not. Two weeks passed, and Heero began to despair that the challenge was hopeless and would never work. In fact, if anything, it had made him learn to cry without any physical harm coming to him.
One cold winter day, a lone Chinese boy who looked about Prince Duo's age came upon the castle, asking to be let in so that he might take the challenge. The guards were dubious--the boy wore ragged clothing (Wufei: Hey!) and frankly looked like he was just talking them into sheltering him from the bitter cold.
"I am here to accomplish your challenge, so open the gates, by Nataku!" The Chinese boy hollered up at the hesitant guards. Uncertain what to do, they finally called Heero to the gates to talk to the strange boy.
"Who are you and what do you want?" The royal advisor frowned, irritated at being called out to talk to some dirt-poor peasant (Wufei: How dare you, baka fangirl! Threshie: =P I luv ya, Wuffle, but in this story you're a poor guy! Wufei: *Twitch* How dare you call me that…!).
"I am Chang Wufei, and I am here to accomplish the challenge you set--make Prince Duo cry!"
"You do know that if you fail I get to shoot you?" Heero called down, raising an eyebrow dubiously. Wufei knew what the challenge was, so likely he knew the consequences if he failed, but Heero still had to make sure--after all, maybe saying it to his face would discourage him from actually trying the challenge. (Heero was so fed up with the idea by now that he was prepared to call it off, anyway.)
"Yes, I know that--do you think I would come here to accomplish a challenge I knew nothing about?" Wufei demanded, frowning, "Now, would you kindly open the gates and let me in?"
"As long as you know what you're getting into," Heero answered, sighing and reaching for his pistol--as far as he knew, he'd need it very soon. "Go ahead and open the gate," he nodded to the surprised guards. They hurriedly complied, and soon Wufei was inside and being introduced to Prince Duo. Unlike Quatre, he didn't waste any time trying to make friends with the hyperly death-obsessed boy, instead turning to Heero.
"I request access to a single item from your cellar."
"The cellar?" Heero was now quite dubious--was the ragged peasant (Wufei: *Twitch* Shut up!) simply trying to con some free food out of the royal castle, as well? "Depends--what is it?"
Wufei frowned, "Nothing large, trust me! It is one single thing--and I swear not to take it out of the castle."
"Fine, whatever," Heero sighed, waving to a nearby maid, "Get him precisely one item from the cellar, will you? No more than that."
"Of course, Heero," the maid, who was a blond girl with blue eyes, gushed--everyone knew how Heero-obsessed Miss Relena was. Wufei only looked annoyed at the observation, quickly telling the girl the item she was to retrieve. Giggling about how Heero had actually given her an order, to her face, Relena disappeared into the cellar, returning a moment later with…an onion.
Taking the onion, Wufei turned to Prince Duo and said, "See this?"
Blinking, the prince raised an eyebrow, "Yeah, it's an onion--so what?" Nodding, Wufei tossed the onion to the prince, who looked at it strangely. "Is this some sort of joke or somethin'?" Rolling his eyes, the Chinese boy drew an enormous katana from hammerspace, scaring several nearby maids into drawing well-concealed boot knives and machetes of their own. Ignoring the women, who had taken defensive sword positions, Wufei gave the sword to Prince Duo.
"You're the God of Death, right? Have fun killing the onion with that."
"Cool!" Prince Duo grinned wickedly, taking the offered enormous katana and promptly hacking the poor onion into itty, bitty bits. "BWAHAHAHA! THE GOD OF DEATH IS BACK FROM HELL!!" Nearby, Heero sweatdropped and slapped his forehead.
"If that was supposed to make him cry, I have to shoot you now," he informed Wufei, but the Chinese boy only smiled slightly and nodded toward the prince.
"Just watch." Frowning, Heero turned back to Prince Duo--and watched in amazement as the prince's large, violet eyes filled with tears. As the fumes from the mangled onion wafted around the room, Prince Duo burst into tears and hurriedly dropped the katana, opting to scrub at his eyes, instead. The tears, however, refused to stop flowing--and Heero sweatdropped to himself some more, as the prince plopped down onto the floor after a moment and began bawling like a baby. Turning to Heero, Wufei smiled placidly. "If that isn't the objective of the challenge achieved, I don't know what is."
"Fine," Heero sighed, nodding, "Looks like you actually accomplished what hundreds of other idiots could not."
"Hey," Wufei frowned, "I'm not an idiot!"
"Idiot or not, you've just won yourself half of the royal treasury," Heero smirked a little at the still-floodcrying Prince Duo, who was shooting him God of Death-type glares just then. "Are you going to use it to buy some new clothes?"
"Hey!" Wufei growled, "Stop insulting my social level! Where is the justice in the hearts of royalty anymore? Why must the weak always be shunned, and those more unfortunate than yourselves be constantly considered weaklings despite superior intelligence?!"
"Superior intelligence?" Heero practiced his death glare, "And just what are you meaning to imply, that you're smarter than me?"
"As a matter of fact, I am," Wufei nodded, "I'd have printed-out proof, but up until now I couldn't afford an IQ test!"
"A likely story," Heero smirked, "About as likely as Prince Duo suddenly becoming a pacifist!"
"I don't believe this!" Wufei twitched, "How dare you insult me--you're just the lowly advisor!"
"This station is not lowly!" Heero twitched back. In the background, a still floodcrying Prince Duo crawled away from the onion bits, mumbling something about his advisor being better suited to fighting as a soldier than advising anyone on anything.
And so, Wufei accomplished the challenge that none of the previous idi--err, that no one else could accomplish. And thus, he won half of the royal treasury--half of the real amount, as he discovered the majority of it that Heero had hidden away and demanded a fair split. After this, he promptly visited the mall, where he purchased some comfortable white Chinese-style clothing, and then left Prince Duo's country and was never seen again. Heero the advisor continued giving his very odd advice, though now he was cautious when ever dealing with any ragged-looking Chinese peasants (Wufei: *growl* Shut up!). As for Prince Duo…he refused to come near onions forevermore after that day.
--Owari
AN: ^^;; Gomen for the really weird sense of humor--I don't think this's as funny as I wanted it to be, but oh, well. Btw, the story, if you couldn't tell, was the little-known fairytale, 'The Princess Who Never Cried'. ^^;; As is obvious, I changed the princess into a prince for this version. Oh, and I got rid of the part where the poor peasant person (i.e., Wufei) had a sick mother at home they needed the money to feed. ^^;; It didn't seem Wufei-ish, and besides, the original character was a girl, not a guy, anyway.
Well, please R&R this odd little piece of fanfiction! ^^;; I think it's the first fairytale re-write I've ever actually completed! LOL. 'Bye for now!
--Threshie ^^V