There is a slight possibility that I am going to maim him.
He is the stupidest, most idiotic, moronic, chauvinistic, dickhead in the entire world.
Honestly. Does he think he can get away with this?
I'm stalking down the corridor, on my way back to the common room. He is totally gonna pay this time. I let him off the hook before. But not this time. Nuh uh. They shall not sway me. Too harsh, they say?! No freaking way.
He deserves it, the great arrogant twit.
I've reached the Fat Lady now, and I can't remember the twatting password. That's just great. Just fine and dandy. How can I maim him if I can't bloody well get in?
Oh. And here comes Tamilda Frankers. Even better. Of course I can get the password off her, which is always a bonus, but this also means I have to converse with her. Now, you may think that I am an anti-social bitch, but this girl is annoying. No, she is beyond annoying. She is so frustrating that I often feel the need to curse her mouth shut so she cannot use it to further exasperate me.
But I don't. Because I am Lily Evans, and this means I must be sweet, smart, funny, and above all, compassionate and caring towards the younger children. Yuck.
"Hi Lily! Lily! How are you! I haven't seen you in a while! I saw you the other day at breakfast and waved but I think you must not have seen me because you walked straight past! Hey! Do you want to catch up sometime! Maybe go to Hogsmeade! I know this great place..."
And that was the point that I tuned out. Oh, of course I am still nodding, smiling, saying "Mhmm" at the right moments, but I can no longer hear a word that she is saying. Merlin, that girl can talk. And why does everything that she says have to be followed by an exclamation mark? I mean, even when she is directly talking to you, you can envision the exclamation mark at the end. Her voice just lilts up and down, up and down. Nobody should be this cheery. Ever.
Oh, oh, oh, she's slowing down. Voice is getting lower, trailing, stopping, ha! This is where I come in.
"That sounds great, Tamilda! I'm a little busy at the moment, but when the workload lets up a little, I'll let you know, ok?" I paused for a breath, poised to ask her about the forgotten password. Oh great. Of course, that fleeting pause was all she needed to start again.
"Oh, of course, I know it must be hard for you! I can totally wait! I mean, like, if you ever need any help or anything, just come find me, okay! I mean I can't do that much because I'm only in fourth year, but, like, if you need someone to, like, carry books or something, I can totally do that! I mean, just tell me, anytime..."
She's still going. I don't even know where she gets the ideas to continue. Or the breath. That girl must have ripper lungs, she can probably hold her breath for hours. I wonder how long? Maybe I should ask her.
Her voice is still at the high-pitched stage. She isn't stopping anytime soon. Maybe I should stop her? Nah. It'll only put that ridiculous 'I'm So Crushed' expression on her face, and then I'll have to feel bad, and rah rah rah. Hmm. This is possibly the most bored I have ever been whilst someone was talking to me.
Maybe I shall plan what I will to do that boy, that is, if I don't die of boredom before I can get to him. First, I shall crush him mentally. Oh yes. First, I will make a comment about the size of his...
Bugger. She saw me rubbing my hands together. Oh, and now she's asking why I was rubbing my hands together and smiling when she was telling me about the terrible death of her pet beetle. How on earth did she go from helping me to dead animals anyway? Wait, did she say a beetle? Ew. Why would anyone own a beetle.
Okay, Lily. Compassionate, caring face on. That's right, rest your hand on her shoulder and make sure you look a little teary.
"Oh, Tamilda, I'm so sorry! I didn't realise. I thought you said your feet were dyed, not that your beetle died. I am so, so sorry. I cannot imagine how devastating this is for you. If it is any consolation, I feel your pain, as once, I had a frog called Rupert that sadly, was killed in an accident with a toad. Truly, Tamilda, if there is anything I can do, you must only let me know," I told her, my voice sufficiently filled with emotion.
Excellent, Lily. She looks better, and she actually bought it. She actually thinks you owned something so disgusting as a frog, and that you called it Rupert. Now she's just starting to babble about her aunty who's friend's cousin's goldfish once had a blue frog that wanted to be a toad. Now you can once again continue your evil plan. No, wait, stop giggling. She can hear that. Giggle inside your head Lily, inside.
There we go. Okay, so after the mental torture, I shall move onto the indirectly linked torture. Now there are two approaches. Firstly, I can inform his gorilla-like friends of something completely awful about him – and completely fictional of course, but by the time they work that out, they will have told everyone. Or. I can use one of his moronic friends to make him jealous. Oh yes, I like that one. I get to have some fun, and punish him.
Stop giggling. You're doing it again. She's looking confused. She's trailing her words, stopping, stopping, no! Abort Lily, abort.
"I'm sorry Tamilda, but I really have to go see a friend about a very important potions essay. You know the Potions master, he gets a little scary sometimes! Oh! I was just wondering, do you by any chance know the new password? I seem to have forgotten it already, silly me!"
Kudos, Lils. You managed to speak her language with the exclamation marks, seem aloof, cute, and talk to her on a personal friendly level all the same time. Pure genius. Internal high five!
She smiled an unbelievably toothy smile that I planned to erase from my mind immediately, and answered me in an even more excited voice.
"Oh! Of course! No problem Lily! I'm glad I can help you! Anytime! The password is Flocustus Morala! Did you want me to help with that!" She's moving towards the bag Lily. Don't get possessive. Don't get crazy. You've done well this far. Don't blow it now.
"No!" I snapped, snatching my bag away.
Damn it. She stepped back, looking like I'd slapped her.
"Oh, no, no I'm sorry! I'm just a little edgy these days, you know, after the people that were stealing the stuff and..." I trailed off, looked at the expression on her face, and realised there was no going back now. She probably wouldn't forgive me for at least twenty minutes, and by then it would be all round the school that Lily Evans had slapped Tamilda Frankers with her bag or something equally ridiculous.
So I ran. Gracefully, of course. When the first years later said that I ran like I was a little disabled, with my hair flopping everywhere and my bag banging against my side, they were totally wrong. Stupid little children. Have nothing in life but their rumours and gossip.
Anyway, now I have made it through the portrait hole, and I'm stalking towards the fireplace.
I knew he would be in here, surrounded by his usual posse of under aged witches, begging him to talk to them, or sign their boobs . I walked straight up to him, pushing the goggling witches out of the way.
"Potter!" I barked, successfully getting his attention.
He turned to me, smirking, and I began to fume. He knows what he's done, and now he's smirking. Smiling. Grinning. That smarmy git. I am so mad right now! Oh dang it. The angry crying is coming.
No Lily! Stop! You know what the angry crying does to your beautiful face. It makes you red and puffy, and your eyeliner and mascara leaks, and oh lord it is pure tragedy. Okay. It's already coming, and he's still smirking at you.
"So, Lilikins, did you receive my offer? I did hear a high-pitched scream before, so I am assuming that you did. Is the answer still no, oh light of my life?"
Argh! Wait. Wait. We can fix this! Oh Lily, you're a genius! If this was a movie, a ninja theme would be playing right now to accentuate your geniusosity. Yes, that would also be a word created in the movie.
Now, let's turn up the waterworks.
"Yes, James, I did," I sobbed, aware that I looked a little crazy, "And the answer is definitely still no. No, I will not have sex with you again! I've told you a million times, you just don't satisfy me. You just aren't... equipped enough to satisfy my needs! And yet you still keep asking me over and over to go out with you! Well, Potter, I'm never going there again! So just leave me alone, and stop making ridiculous displays in the Hall! Because I am looking for a real man."
I delivered it perfectly. Absolutely perfectly. I sobbed, the tears were streaming down my face, hand gestures and facial expression were all tactful. The only slip-up was when I started to smirk a little – though, I'm pretty sure that he was the only one who saw it.
And his reaction was perfect. Oh, it was divine. I have that tingly feeling in my toes that I only get when I crush somebody. First he continued to laugh at me, thinking I was having some kind of mental breakdown. But then, as he realised where I was going with it, his face began to fall. And fall and fall and fall. And then, finally, it plummeted. Oh, the satisfaction. And the girls around him? They didn't stick around either. Initially, of course, they were protective of their Quidditch King, closing in on me, and muttering insults. But then, as I got to the bit about his... inadequacies, they started to edge away, until none remained. It was beautiful, a masterpiece.
But now. Now he is just glaring me. Maybe I should back up a little. I mean, he would never really hurt me, I know, but there's no need to continue. I've gotten what I want.
Yes, let's back up Lils. So I turned around and walked towards my dormitory, head in the air, swiftly whipping tears away from my face, smiling a little.
When I reached the top of the stairs, I quickly glanced back to my audience.
Most were staring at my retreating back, the room silent, expressions filled with awe. I stole a look at Potter.
He looked crushed. Why the hell did he look crushed? He knew I was lying, I haven't even seen it. Ah, well. My job here is done anyway. Screw phase two. Mission complete.
Fiddly dee, revenge!
I almost skipped towards my dorm. Almost.