No.
No.
No.
Fog. The saloon disappeared around Kitty, and a low buzzing rang in her ears. A knife twisted in her chest.
It can't…. He can't be gone. He wouldn't have – He can't leave me this way.
Kitty hardly heard Newly as he finished reading Doc's letter and added…. Something about Dr. Chapman.
NO.
"I just don't believe we wanna hear no more, Newly."
The tiniest, unbidden flicker of anger, resentment – no, we sure as hell do not.
Kitty heard Festus' shuffling footsteps, spurs jangling, leave the Longbranch, but still she stayed at the bar, staring down at her hands, all her energy focused on holding herself together, appearing calm. The bar held her upright. She swiped at threatening tears, but they came anyway, slipping out of her eyes, betraying her, despair clawing its way up her throat.
Newly shifted his weight to move around the corner of the bar, and Kitty threw up a hand to halt his steps, eyes slamming shut, breath caught in her chest. The instinct to shield herself from his sympathy was natural, fierce.
She could imagine the look he was giving her, and, God, she didn't want it.
A word from Matt, his voice rough, strained, and Newly was gone.
Even then, with only the two of them left, neither could move. Or wouldn't.
Matt….
The deafening silence pressed in around Kitty. Suffocating. Cloying. Her thoughts the only barrier between her and the crushing weight of that silence. Some comfort they were. She couldn't help but think of the last time she'd seen Doc, head bowed, hunched over, looking so small at Suzy's graveside. It hurt to remember him that way, and her heart faltered recalling the insight he'd given them into his thoughts that day – "I considered giving up medicine altogether…."
Kitty never got the chance to talk to Doc after the service because he'd gone straight to Willow Creek immediately after, to be alone and fish and clear his mind. Even then he'd left a note – brief, casual. She'd been concerned, but Willow Creek wasn't too far off, and he was only going fishing.
Or…not fishing. Wichita and then Baltimore.
Doc deliberately misled them.
Kitty needed to escape her thoughts – deceitful whispers kept reminding her she'd already been abandoned by one father, twice. But she couldn't bear to break the silence. Her body began to tremble slightly with the effort it was taking to hold herself together, to fight off unwanted insecurities, memories trying to turn her heart. It wouldn't be fair to blame Doc, for anything. Kitty dreaded turning to see the look on Matt's face. God forbid it confirm her irrational fears.
Doc claimed his absence was temporary, but…the way he sounded at the end….
"Please…forgive me…."
The knife twisted deeper inside her chest.
Kitty bit her lip and wished Matt would just come hold her.
A nasty little voice sneered at the back of Kitty's mind. You weren't enough to make him stay. Why would he come back? Your own flesh and blood never did.
What if Doc never came back? What if they never saw him again? Kitty's imagination painted the darkest scenarios: Doc alone in Baltimore, overworked and overwrought and too ashamed to come home, or worse, not caring enough to come back. Stop it. Matt getting shot in the streets of Dodge and no one there to save him, leaving her alone and lost. Stop. Herself, losing the one man who had always loved her uncondition—stop!
She could feel her accelerating heartbeat, her breathing heavy and uneven. She tried to rein it in—
A warm, comforting hand splayed across the small of her back, and Kitty gasped – she hadn't even heard Matt leave his chair. The shock of it broke the last of her self-control, and Matt quickly, finally, turned her into his embrace as she burst into raw, aching sobs, unable to bear it any longer, not on her own.
"He'll be back, Kitty. Doc'll come home." Matt's hands moved in slow, steadying paths across her shoulders, down her back. "He'll come home even if we have t' drag him back."
Kitty clutched at the lapels of Matt's coat and pulled him even closer, melting into him as her cries gradually quieted. She inhaled deeply, breathing in his familiar scent, his calming presence.
"Promise me, Matt."
A/N: some dialogue is taken from "New Doctor in Town"
A/N 2: The question is, will I ever write anything that isn't angsty? Answer: it's doubtful ;)