Complete and utter crack. I'm so ashamed... It's not even that funny... Oh, stop looking at me. Just read it. *turns away in shame*
Disclaimer: NOPE. Not yet.
Sometimes Batman worried about Robin. It wasn't the kind of worry that makes you wonder if someone is going to die. It wasn't even the type of worry that makes you wonder if they're going to get themselves arrested. Hell, it wasn't the kind of worry that makes you wonder if you are going to get pranked. No, this worry was a different kind altogether. Batman was worried that Robin might have a thing for redheads.
It all started when he was nine. Bruce and the Commissioner were talking about a recent break-in at Wayne Enterprises inside the comforts of the manor, and Commissioner Gordon had brought along his daughter Barbara, who was the same age as Dick. The boy immediately took a liking to her, showing her around the mansion. She seemed to like Richard as well, laughing about who-knows-what over a plate of Alfred's cookies. Dick had asked his guardian if she could come over again as soon as she and her father had left. The Dark Knight had consented, remembering an earlier conversation he'd had with Alfred about the boy seemingly being lonely. During the summertime he couldn't hang out with his friends at school, and they were also all away on vacation or just plain weren't that close to him.
Dick and Barbara started playing at the manor more and more, becoming best friends quickly. For the next four years they remained so, and Batman, as the World's Greatest Detective, knew they both had crushes on each other. No matter how profusely his ward denied it when he mentioned it.
Of course, one red-headed best friend was not enough to make you red-head obsessed. But when Richard was about eleven and Kid Flash came along... That was when things started to get a little suspicious. Because Speedy, Green Arrow's sidekick, was also a red-head. And also very close to Dick. And when Kid Flash also became one of Richard's best friends, that was when it became glaringly obvious.
Whether Robin knew it or not, he was undeniably, inexplicably, possibly subconsciously, enamored with red hair.
And THAT was unacceptable.
Because it wasn't going to end with just Barbara, Wally, and Roy. Oh, no. Batman had no doubt that Dick was going to keep on making friends with all the soul-stealing gingers of the world. And then everything would go to hell. There would be wars. There would be famines. There would be tsunamis. There would be PIlLLOW FIGHTS. He shuddered at the very thought of the chaos caused by this new development.
He knew that Kid Flash's mother was already too far gone. The boy's charms had no doubt overwhelmed her in the hundreds of times Robin had gone over to Wally's house...
Oh god. Iris West. He had to warn her!
Woooooow. No idea where that came from... Okay, just... Just, wow. Maybe I shouldn't write fanfiction so late at night...