CAT THE CAT WHO LIVES IN A HOUSE CALLED HOUSE OF CAT
There was a mouse who lived in Cat's House. His name was Larry. He was happy. Happy as Larry. Cat was not happy for Larry was in his house.
He always hears his friend, Lisa, say, 'THAT MOUSE IS A FAT BASTARD. IT'S EATIN' ALL MA FOOD', she says in her Manchester accent.
Cat always complains, "There's a rat in ma kitchen, what am I gonna do??'.
So, they called upon Lucius Malfoy, who could turn many a building into dust with a mere quirk of a silver sliver of a brow.
Lucius, upon entering the dwelling, gave his trademark sneer at the meagre proportions and demanded loudly, 'WHY SHOULD I REDUCE YOUR MOUSE TO DUST?! MY TIME IS MUCH BETTER SPENT WITH A CERTAIN POTIONS MASTER AND HIS IMPRESSIVE COLLECTION OF SLIMY THINGS IN JARS AND LARGE STIRRING RODS.'
'Ah, but Lucius, I have many a stirring rod and many a slimy thing in MY jar, and in return for your obliteration of Larry, you may use them as MUCH and VIGOROUSLY as you so please', Cat said. He flicked his whiskers in a suggestive manner and wrapped his 'tail' winningly around Lucius' athletic physique.
The tail grew to immense proportions and swelled to twice its normal size, engulfing Lucius in thick, soft, sticky marmalade (coloured fur).
"FUCKUNT!!" screeched our dashing platinum fox, "I ONLY CAME BECAUSE OF THE LARGE SIGN PROCLAIMING "FREE POTTERCOCK" OUTSIDE!" He began attempting to free himself from the wily cats fuzzy trappings, but finding himself smothered by a frizzy and unmanageable wad of hair, which smelled, oddly enough, of a mixture of lemon, ginger and …. Vanilla… "Vanilla?" Luc mused, "but that is surely the stuff of cliché plebfics in which all is over-exaggerated?"
The shag pile of fur quivered in rage and was shed, revealing that Cat was not in fact a cat but a very pissed off and horny Hermione Granger. She raised a PVC clad finger theatrically and proclaimed "YES, you were right; it is I, the much despised HET character, who is denied all POTTERCOCK. I am so bloody sick of you getting first dibs on all the coveted Suckable Snape Sugarquills™, Lucius Malfoy, that I decided to kidnap you and hold you hostage". She paused to use an Evil Laugh™, during which Luc fidgeted and adjusted his velvet bow.
SUDDENLY, for no apparent reason, fans of slash, a cast of thousands, upon closer inspection, all seem to be wearing slashy sashes bearing the legend, 'Hug a Treacle Tart today'. (Which one, you can choose yourself). (Lucky Betch).
OMG, SHOES!
They burst in, shrieking like Veelas on crack, [say crack again- crack] (available at your local drugs store), and attempted to hump everything in sight.
'Oh shit', Hermione sighed, her shoulders slumping in defeat. 'I didn't even get to finish my Evil Laugh'™.
SUDDENLY, for no apparent reason, the earth beneath the laminated floor of Cat's House split open, like the JAWS OF HELLLLLLL. A huge, writhing giant squid burst forth, bearing upon its throbbing cock of a head, two stunningly beautiful Mary Sues, donning flowing robes of glittering basilisk scales. One in jet black, the other in the iridescent white of the albino basilisk. 'Wow', commented a slasher, mid-hump, 'That's a bad Mary-Suism'.
The assembled crowd were so stunned by the magnificent beauteous vision before them, they failed to notice the treacle covered tentacles of Merlin snaking up to drag the less attractive of the fandom in order to pretty-up the scene somewhat.
Now that the view is more aesthetically pleasing, Merlin must get back to his task of doing the Treacle Tarts' taxes. Bye Bye Merlin.
As the Treacle Tarts slowly drifted off out of view, the jet-black-clad Tart said in a booming voice, reminiscent of a man from Waterstones*, 'Oh, Sweet Merlin! We've messed up all your pretty doilies and shit. Where's Cat?'
Pearl-clad Tart says, 'It appears that Cat is no longer with us. Actually, Cat was a clever ruse, conceived in the minds of two mentally challenged teenage shippers.'
Jet black Tart exclaims, 'Do mine ears deceive me, Hephzibah? Shippers? DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM ALL TO SEVENTH LAYER OF DANTE'S HELL. THAR BE NO ROOME IN THIS FAIRE WORLDE FOR THE LIKESES OF THEMME. HOMO-EROTICA FOR ALL!!"
('YAY!' Shouteth the assembled fandom)
'But Evan that makes nought sense', interjected Hephzibah, 'It was US who conceived such a wily plot. I AM A SHIPPER. I SAIL ON THE SHIP OF LOVE. You see it began in the summer of 1927 with a simple plot bunny which hoppity-hopped forth from the minds of the distinguished gentleman, otherwise known as us (pre-op). It was a nice tale about a cat and a mouse. I planned to tell a tale with many an anecdote, and many an illustrative point. I did this because…'
"-HAHAHAAAAAA, HA, HA, heh….heh…….hem hem *cough*", Hermione, having finished her Evil Laugh™, mercifully interrupted.
'What was that for?' asked Hephzibah, raising an immaculately plucked and quizzical eyebrow.
"You were straying off-topic AGAIN you knobchop!," snarled Evan, her jet hair lashing dramatically in a mysterious and unprecedented gust of rage. "We are here for one thing only! Back to the almost-pre-determined plot and mission-objective, mindless minions!!"
Among the fandom, several of the greasiest and most fringe-ed had begun to self mutilate in shame and exasperation at this overly long commentary.
And as little Max from Where the Wild Things Are once said, the giant squid who just wanted to get his freak on, screamed 'LET THE FUN BEGIN!!!11kwOWEDws'.
fINIS