I lie there in my bunk on the tour bus. I've pulled the curtain that hangs over my bed back slightly so I can see right into your bunk. You're lying there; fast asleep, with not a care in the world. You look so peaceful. You must be dreaming about something nice because there is a small smile on your face and you're cuddling your pillow. Perhaps you're dreaming about cuddling someone? I am amazed at how you can get to sleep. I certainly can't. I've been lying here for hours now and I just can't seem to find a way to shut my eyes and drift off. I've tried reading, listening to music, watching TV, playing video games, heck I even counted sheep and yet I'm still here, wide awake.
There is something else that you amaze me with. It's the way you always stay positive. Through everything you are always smiling and saying something positive. To be honest I am over the tour. I just want to go home and sleep in my own bed, take a shower in my own bathroom, eat out of my own kitchen. Sure, it has been heaps of fun. But now it's getting to the point of freezing outside and I hate the bitterness. I can feel a cold coming on and my throat is sore. Not to mention the lack of sleep I have been plagued with. I couldn't believe it today. I only just managed to go out and see the fans for about ten minutes today. I had to get onto the bus and crash, try and get some sleep. But you...You stayed out there for much longer and when you got on the bus and we headed for our next destination, you were just so...Happy.
I wonder how you can just close your eyes and fall into that peaceful sleep. This sets my mind ticking with other thoughts. Your dark eyes are always sparkling. I don't know how, or why, but they do. Even when there isn't a smile on your face you smile with your eyes. Your smile, God, if it got any cuter I'd explode. And when you laugh I can't help but smile and then laugh with you because it is just so contagious. Before we go on stage you get so excited, run around and get pumped. And constantly you are been reminded 'take it steady, there is plenty of time to go crazy'. On stage you try hard to contain your excitement but by the end you're bursting with energy and you go crazy and it makes me smile, makes me laugh.
I can't help it when we get close on stage, I just can't stop myself and I find a way to touch you. It doesn't matter if I stand shoulder to shoulder with you, or if I stand behind you, whether I kiss your cheek or even lick your face, I just want to touch you. I never told you, and I never will...But I love you. And I'm sorry that I feel that way. I'm sorry because I know you will never feel the same, and I'm sorry because I know that you love somebody else. But it doesn't matter, no...It will never matter. My love for you will remain a secret and will stay the same even if you don't know that. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't see you wake up, I didn't see you get out of your bunk and walk to mine, I didn't see you reach up and wipe away the tears that had unknowingly started rolling down my cheeks.
I jump at the contact and quickly wipe away my tears. You just look at me, you don't say a thing. That scares me a little; it makes me feel like you can see right into my heart and soul, like you can read my deepest, darkest secrets, ok so it scares that shit out of me that you make me feel that way. You motion for me to move over and I do, it's like I'm your puppet. Then you climb in next to me and shut the curtain.
"You ok?" you whisper and I swear I'm going to pass out because the combination of the concern in your voice, the way you wiped away my tears, yeah it's all getting a bit too much for me to handle. I shake my head in response to your question. So you wrap your arms around me and pull me close and then push the hair from my eyes and press a kiss to my forehead. My heart starts beating double over time, my stomach is doing back flips and front flips and all sorts of flips and I think the butterflies have been replaced with giant moths which have gone crazy. It is silent; you don't delve into why I'm crying, what's upsetting me. You lie there with me in your arms and hold me. Somehow, through the fear that my body is feeding me, I manage to fall asleep.
When I wake you aren't in my bed and I wonder for a moment if I was dreaming. But you remind me that it did happen when you walk in. You stop at my bunk for a moment and reach up, ran your hand over my jaw, then you smile. I smile back and then you walk away. There are butterflies in my stomach and I wonder if maybe you do feel the same...
Just a bit of FLONES to get the day going (or finishing) :) R&R?
JB xxx