In the light of the morning, everything looked the same... but she knew that things had changed.
Jade, finally done with Beck's fawning over Tori Vega, had confronted him about it and Beck had called it quits. He told her that it was just one conversation, just one time, that he didn't feel for Tori how he did for Jade. She knew it was a lie. She could see it in his eyes, a haunting shadow that cast darkly over their relationship. She called him out on it, and when he told her they were done, she snapped. The tall brunette had raged her way out of his trailer, kicking the door open as she screamed at him and told him what a colossal ass he was being. She had peeled out of his driveway so quickly that she left rubber on the pristine concrete of the driveway.
Cat hadn't known what to think when she called. It was late, so late... She was amazed that her phone had even woken her up. She had told the distraught girl to come over, that she was here and it would be okay, just come talk.
To her surprise, Jade was calm when she arrived. She had quietly told her what happened, sitting on the edge of Cat's pink bed and staring at her boots, her green eyes masking pain and anger. There wasn't much to tell; Cat knew already what Beck had been like since Tori had come to Hollywood Arts. But Jade sat and spilled her heart, getting it all out with the one person she ever deemed worthy to talk to about these things.
Cat used to love that Jade would come talk to her, that she was the one she trusted more than anyone else but Beck himself. Jade was mean to a lot of people, even Cat sometimes, but the little redhead knew that she was special. Jade let her get away with murder compared to how she treated her other friends. She would say things, do things, that only Cat got to see. She would smile that smile that Cat hadn't seen since Jade and Beck had first gotten together two years before. She made her smile like that. It was a point of personal pride to the small singer.
Now, laying in her too-bright room in the too-bright morning, Jade's prone and fitfully sleeping form stretched out next to her under the covers, Cat's brain felt like it was going to explode. This wasn't the first time Jade had spent the night after a fight. This wasn't the first time Cat had woken up entangled and practically cuddling with the fearsome girl. But this was the first time her brain had let her think those dark and secret thoughts that normally simmered under the surface of her insanity.
Cat looked sadly at Jade, noting how even in sleep her mouth turned down in a frown. Her heart ached and she looked up at her walls, trying to distract herself from her rampaging emotions. She hated seeing her like this. It made her hate Beck in a way that she didn't know she ever could. She wanted to do something mean, which was definitely not like her, and it made her a little crazier every time the thought galloped through her head.
Jade West made her crazy on a regular basis. Not that it hurt much, seeing as her brain was pretty mushed as it was, but it didn't help either. A touch here, a look there, one of those dazzling just-for-you smiles... it was like having a hurricane ripping through her head. It made it hard to think, hard to rationalize and keep things straight.
Cat had been fighting her feelings for a long time. She looked back down at her sleeping friend, eyes drinking in the sight of her. Her long brown hair was spilled about her head like a halo, bright extensions shining in the morning sun, her breath soft as it spilled from her parted lips. She felt a tightness in her chest as she looked her over, and it made her want to cry great big tears of frustration and longing. She loved Jade, loved her like she had never loved anyone. All she wanted was to pull her close and kiss her, tell her it would be alright, tell her that she was right here and that she wouldn't ever let anyone hurt her like that again. It made her want to scream.
She knew that it was too soon and that it would be for a long time. She'd have to keep her secret; keep it deep down where no one could see, down under her bubbly surface, down where all of her darkest thoughts twisted and writhed like snakes in a pit. She didn't think anyone could begin to fathom the secrets she kept. Words fell out of her mouth without a thought, leading people to believe that she had no control. But that was just her surface, the top of the pot boiling over onto the stove. There was pasta in the bottom no one even knew was there.
Cat sighed, closing her eyes and trying to think of rainbows and puppies and flowers and ice cream and anything else but Jade. It was like trying to look away from a trainwreck. Her brain kept dredging up images of them hanging out; of a gentle touch on the arm, of a wide, honest smile, of a lilting laugh that only came out in the confines of their rooms... It made her chest tighter, made her want to cry out for breath. She could feel everything between them and it tore at her heart.
There was a rustling of sheets and she opened her eyes. Jade was awake now, her deep green gaze fixed on Cat. She was just looking, an unknowable thought hidden behind her eyes. The smaller girl stared back, locking gazes and trying to decipher what was going on in Jade's head. She didn't have to wait long.
"I can see your mind eating itself through your eyes." Jade's voice was soft, a hint of sadness tinting the edges.
Cat dropped her gaze. "... am I so obvious?"
"Someone has to know you too well," Jade murmured.
"You always seem to." Cat's voice almost cracked, but she held it together in a vise grip. She looked back to Jade and smiled. It was easier than she wanted it to be.
Jade quirked her lips in a shadow of a smile, rolling onto her side to face Cat. Her hair fell into her eyes and Cat reached over, tucking the offending strands behind the other girl's ear. She let her fingertips linger against Jade's smooth skin for a moment, revelling in the brief contact before pulling away.
"I'm going to have to go," Jade said softly. "My mom is going to freak out when she gets up and I'm not home."
Cat nodded, noting the reluctence of the statement in Jade's voice. This is what made it all so hard: knowing that Jade didn't want to leave. Cat had to reign herself in to keep from reaching out to grab her; to keep from tangling her hands in her shirt and pulling her close, burying her face in her chest, and quite probably weeping. She had to bite back the urge to scream out for her to stay. She smiled instead.
"You can always come back later!" Her cheeriness was disgusting. She hated that she could play this part. "We can have ice cream and watch movies and talk...!" It was an effortless lie once she got going. She grinned like she meant it, and Jade smiled one of those smiles, and she almost broke. Jade smiled like the sun.
"That sounds good, Valentine."
Cat giggled. She loved when Jade used her last name: with Tori it was an insult, with Cat it was a loving nickname. She liked to imagine that she was Jade's valentine.
Jade rolled out of the bed, pulling her jeans and boots on before wandering off towards the bathroom, yawning fit to burst. Cat watched her silently until she was out of the room, then sighed and sat up. She got out of bed and rummaged through her drawers for something to wear, choosing a pink t-shirt with unicorns on it and a pair of jeans. She hastily shed her sleep shirt and pulled on her clothes. She could hear Jade singing to herself in the bathroom and it gave her goosebumps. As she was pulling on her shoes, Jade came sauntering back into her room. The taller girl stood and watched her silently as she finished tying her laces, then reached out to help her off the floor. Her hand was warm and strong, and Cat held it for a minute with her smaller one, looking at how perfectly they fit together. She shook herself mentally and let go, smiling a vapid smile and forcing her eyes to portray the same brainless simplicity. It was easier to lie, to pretend that she was alright. So much easier than facing the oh-so-palpable tension between them.
"I'll walk you out!" Cat laughed and bounced out the door, hearing Jade following along behind her. As she made it to Jade's car she slowed and turned around, waiting for her to catch up.
"I'll call you later," Jade said, still smiling. She moved closer and pulled Cat into a hug. Cat melted into the embrace, inhaling deeply to catch all she could of the other girl's strong scent. It was one of the most comforting things in the world. Jade gave her a small squeeze before stepping back.
Cat watched silently as Jade got into her car, cranking the engine and rolling down her window. She waved to her, getting a wave back, then watched as she backed down the drive and took off down the street. She let her smile fall and sighed, turning to head back into the house. As she made it back into her room she flipped on the stereo and flopped on the bed to wait for Jade's phone call. The radio blasted into her brain and she smiled sadly.
"Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cuz I'm the only one who understands, like I'm the only one who knows your heart, only one..."
Cat wanted to cry, and laugh, and scream, and hide, and explode; all at the same time. A single tear traced its way down her cheek and she closed her eyes.