NOTE: I am not a medical student. Therefore, I am not entirely sure whether I portrayed certain aspects of this fic realistically or not. I did inform myself about the topic (of course) but please keep this in mind while reading.
Music for the moment: Jaymes Young - One Last Time
I do not own Love Live! / any of the characters. Enjoy.
"She's the type of girl who would hold you while you cry and stay up all night just to make sure that you're okay, even if she's the one breaking sometimes."
A deep, exhausted sigh left Maki Nishikino's mouth as she walked into the core of the vast hospital system, flat palms placed on the vitreous doors, pushing them open widely so she could step in. Her thin fingers reached for her identification inside of her jeans' pocket, a laminated badge, marking her as one of the interns absolving an internship at this very hospital.
She showed the badge to one of the doormen standing next to the entrance. The man, wearing a pitch black suit with a matching tie, nodded towards her direction, gesturing her to enter properly. Maki rubbed her eyes for a brief moment, suppressing another sigh rising inside of her as she walked into the entrance hall, eyes scanning the area that was crowded in the morning already.
She didn't get much sleep last night. Or the night before. Or any night at all since she had started her internship so far.
Although the entire hospital construction belonged to her parents - Her father leading the complex as the head of surgery, her mother being an excellent neurosurgeon - she still had to absolve her internship and later on, her residency in order to become an attending. She still had a long way to go and although medical school had already drained her – practically sucked her entire energy out of her body - she knew she was still inferior with little meaning to this hospital.
Maki headed to the locker room for interns, a yawn leaving her lips already. It was only six in the morning. Yesterday, she had left the hospital around midnight. Needless to say, she was tired, so tired. But she knew she had to adjust herself to this schedule. It would not get easier from this point on. She had chosen this path and she had to deal with it.
Fingers working on the code combination of her locker, Maki imagined what her day would look like: She would have to help out a lot, probably. Perhaps, she would be able to not only watch and present the case today. Perhaps, she was allowed to do something herself for once.
The red haired stuffed her bag into the locker and started undoing the buttons of her pale pink blouse, getting rid of the clothing. She stuffed it into her locker as well, pulling her work wear from the hook hastily. She didn't want anyone to see her in her underwear any longer than necessary. Tying her silky, crimson colored hair into a ponytail, Maki decided she was ready to go for the day. After all, she still had a long way to go.
She passed through the many other interns in the locker room, chatting and laughing with each other while getting dressed. She hissed lightly at the sight. This wasn't high school, not everyone would be able to keep their job at the end of their intern year, yet everyone around her acted so damn friendly towards each other.
Grow the fuck up, Maki thought as she left the locker room in a slight hurry.
She had work to attend. And she didn't care about the muffled whispers behind her back.
Nails scraping against the fabric of her white intern coat, Maki's fingers traced the stitched line on her chest writing her last name 'Nishikino' in a shade of darkish blue. She liked wearing the piece very much, walking around in it, feeling the patients' intent stares at her as she picked up her pace in a hallway.
"Hey, you!" Someone called out for her. Maki turned around, crimson strands of her ponytail falling onto her shoulders in a smooth motion. One of her supervisors looked at her from a short distance, arm resting against a sideboard on the nurses' floor. She walked towards the female attending who had called for her attention, waiting to receive an overly easy and boring task.
"There are patients waiting, are you holing up?" The superior asked, obviously stressed, a frown appearing on her exhausted face. In that very moment, Maki felt guilty for ever being tired and worn-out. Who was she to speak when she was only an intern.
"But I haven't been assigned to anyone's service yet?" Maki replied surprised.
"That doesn't matter today. You should be able to treat some patients on your own, shouldn't you? Too many surgeons have the day off, we need you interns today." She explained quickly, handing Maki a couple of files. Maki just stood there, the suddenness leaving her speechless as she took the pile of papers into her arms.
The female surgeon was about to leave afterwards when suddenly, she turned around and added, "There is a very important surgery scheduled for today and we need all the help we can have, so be there. It's neurosurgery, patient 1129. Get familiar with the case until four pm, I'll see you in room 239 for the patient's preparation then."
With that, she left in a hurry, blonde strands waving as her pace began to quicken.
Maki felt her heart pounding inside of her chest, excitement and nervousness rushing through her veins as realization settled in her mind. Not only would she be able to actually treat patients after two weeks of being an intern, she would finally be able to assist during an actual surgery. On top of that, it was a surgery in her preferred field. Holding onto the files in her hands tightly, the crimson haired walked towards the section for awaiting patients. She had known hard work would pay off some day.
Maki would never forget the feeling of being able to help someone.
The warm feeling of being useful and appreciated. Seeing people smile at the sight of hers, thanking her so sincere and truthfully. She was happy to be the one helping those in need. There was no other thing she could imagine doing herself. The gratitude people felt towards her was enough of a reward to her. In fact, it was priceless.
Filling out the files she had been handed before, Maki walked towards the nurses' office once again, leaving the stack of paper on the desk for them to put in a neat and correct order again. The nurse behind the desk nodded absentminded, eyes darting the computer screen in front of her.
Maki leaned forward a bit, clearing her throat to get attention. The nurse looked up from the screen in front of her and Maki pressed the words that had been sitting on the tip of her tongue out of her throat. She felt so professional.
"Mind to give me the files for patient," The red haired paused for a brief moment, checking the smudged writing on her hand before continuing. "1129?"
The nurse inspected her with a sceptical frown, scanning the crimson haired's appearance with an overly judging expression on her face. Geez, you probably sound like you're full of yourself.
However, she reached into a drawer nevertheless, taking her time as she looked through the neatly organized file section. Finally handing Maki the required file, she didn't care to look at her again.
"T-thanks." Maki spoke quietly, voice almost a whisper. She left as fast as possible, walking down the hallway into an on call room. You're so embarrassing, Maki Nishikino.
It was the first day of her officially doing things an actual surgeon would do and she was already being an arrogant prick. Mind to give me the files. That must have sounded enormously rude and haughty. The red haired felt herself blush - She was glad nobody could see her in there. Making herself comfortable on the bed, Maki then decided on inspecting the case, white sheets covering her legs partly, a slight shiver travelling down her spine as she read through the papers.
The patient wasn't much older than her, 25. Maki had heard of Corticobasal Degeneration before, but she had never expected to ever witness a case first hand. It was a rare condition; barely one out of one hundred thousand people were affected.
The disease was malicious and fraudulent, slowly eating its way up to a death that cannot be prevented. One could only do their best to give the patient as much time as possible until death would eventually take another innocent life. Usually, after the diagnosis, there were one to ten years remaining. But ten years would be a dreamlike, heavenly imagination. One year, maybe two. That was what Maki predicted, what medical school had taught her, what would probably happen to this poor girl who had barely lived her life.
Maki shoved the heartbreaking thoughts aside. She couldn't allow herself to feel any weakness or compassion. She needed to steel herself for this, and for many other cruel ways of death taking away lives. This might be her first encounter with death first hand, but definitely not her last. Corticobasal Degeneration showed symptoms just like Parkinson Disease, Maki knew. The patient would not only loose their mobility but their cognitive abilities as well, such as memories, the ability to pay attention, creativity and maybe even feelings.
It was cruel. There was no other way to put it.
She gathered her thoughts, brushing her crimson strands aside and hooking them behind her ear. A quick glance towards the clock on the wall told her that it was about time to encounter her first case, encounter her first death.
The intern shut her amethyst eyes, the warm and gracious feeling she had felt only a while ago had left her completely. She could only feel this bitter, tragic feeling inside of her making her want so scream and kick and punch somebody.
The feeling remained as the elevator brought her up into the neurosurgery compartment. It remained as she walked down the hallway, as she stood in front of room 239, nervous to face patient 1129.
Don't allow any weakness, Maki.
Knocking first, Maki walked in, closing the door behind her in a careful manner. She took a deep, silent breath before turning around, forcing a smile upon her face, feigning confidence in the best way possible. She didn't expect her supervisor to be there already, it was five past four and as an attending, she would probably be stuck somewhere with another patient. It didn't matter, interns had to be reliable because they were still flexible.
Maki had steeled herself for everything, but definitely not for this.
There she was, lying on the bed, body covered by white bed sheets. Her long and silky, pitch black hair fell onto her shoulders and grew past her back, almost reaching her hips. The pitch black blended in with the glaring white of the sheets, forming a strong contrast. Maki gulped at the sight of the girl, giving off a relaxed and calm, yet so tense vibe. Her eyes were a deep red, darker than her crimson hair, almost ruby colored.
She did not smile, in fact, she didn't have any expression on her face Maki could name. There was just her blank, vacant gaze that caused goose bumps up the red haired's neck. She shook the oddly strange feelings off, approaching the black haired girl further.
"I'm sorry, you have probably expected the head of neurosurgery to come in, she will be here any minute, I promise." Maki explained apologizing, voice melodic. She rolled up the sleeves of her white coat, feeling herself go weak at the sight of the other girl, not caring enough to even look at her.
In this very moment, she did not feel like Dr. Nishikino. She felt like the high school student Maki, small and weak, and so inferior.
This girl's presence sent endless shivers down her spine - There was this bizarre, yet extraordinary atmosphere she gave off, filling the air with suspense and tension.
Maki tried breaking the invisible wall between them, taking a few steps towards the other girl's direction, observing her carefully. She did not seem to be affected by any symptoms of her disease at all; she just didn't care about her presence, Maki could tell.
"A-are you comfortable? I'm going to check on your condition, if that's alright?" The crimson haired forced out of her throat, feeling dry and dizzy as she spoke. She moved towards the small screen displaying the girl's heart beats, inspecting the imagery portrayed on its surface. Everything seemed fine, so far. There were no drastic changes noticeable if she remembered the stats on her file correctly.
Turning around as soon as she had gathered her cool attitude again, Maki caught the black haired staring at her; her ruby eyes darted her entire appearance, gazing at her like she was staring into an abyss. Maki felt uncomfortable, anxiety rising inside of her.
Don't allow any weakness, Maki. She's the patient. You're the doctor.
"Alright then." She continued, trying to remain focused, "I'm going to check your pulse and your condition quickly."
She moved her hands towards the white bed sheets, removing the blanket gently. She felt the heat of the other girl's body overly explicit, hitting her like a wave almost instantly. Why didn't she tell anyone if she was hot?
Maki exposed her body wearing one of the hospital's white patient dresses that covered her body up until her knees. Her legs were thin and pale - Maki could tell she was not tall at all just by looking at them from the short distance. Lifting the white dress covering her body, the red haired felt heat rise inside of her entire body, making her tremble so impossibly sudden. What the hell was going on with her.
With her flat palms, she felt the skin around her stomach area, making sure everything else was okay with her. Other than her brain, Maki thought. The black haired didn't make a single sound during her examination, remaining mute and emotionless, it seemed.
"Doesn't anything hurt? That's really good." Maki tried to sound positive despite the odd feeling that was around them, in the air, everywhere. "Can you move your fingers for me?" She asked her patient in addition, who then held her hand into the air, showing different numbers with her fingers to confirm her ability to move.
"What about your legs?" Maki continued.
The girl sighed overly loud and annoyed, it was the first time Maki heard her make any noise. She sat up and moved her legs to the side, feet standing on the floor. She stared challenging at Maki, making sure the intern would look at her mobility.
"Great." Maki spoke relieved. The black haired sat down on the bed behind her again, lying on her back and shutting her ruby eyes for a brief moment. The crimson haired felt something inside of her shatter at that particular sight. She was obviously exhausted from that little movement.
A weird silence hung between them as Maki pretended to be busy reading the girl's file over and over again. It said that today was her first surgery ever. The first step to realization, Maki thought.
"You are way too hot to be a doctor." The black haired suddenly said hoarsely, breaking the odd silence. What the hell? Maki looked up, straight into ruby shining eyes that once again on this day, scanned her entire appearance all over.
She felt herself blush as the meaning of those spoken words settled in her mind, a hint of soft red spreading through her entire face, "W-what?" She stuttered shamefacedly, feeling nothing but embarrassed in that moment. This girl, she fucking mocked her. She must be. There was not other explanation.
"I said," the black haired started repeating her sentence when suddenly, the head of neurosurgery rushed into the room. She stopped speaking immediately, turning her head – and with that – her gaze away from Maki.
"I see you're here already, Nishikino. Did you examine the patient already?" Maki couldn't do anything besides nodding, feeling frozen solid.
Her supervisor grabbed the file Maki had been holding tightly in her hands, reading through it with a pensive expression. Seconds later, more people entered the room. A hand full of other interns stepped in, guided by a few residents; the sound of the door clicking shut behind them caused the red haired to wince due to the suddenness of such an uproarious noise.
"So then, Nishikino. Present the case." Her supervisor demanded, looking up from the file. Maki tried gathering her thoughts as her mind conveyed the meaning of those words. That was her moment, but she couldn't focus properly right away.
"Nishikino." Her name repeated, voice more serious and earnest.
Maki's eyes scanned all those people in front of her, some of them holding notebooks in their hands, waiting for her to finally start talking. She cleared her throat, looking at the black haired who didn't seem to care about the fuss at all one more time before speaking up. "Yazawa, Nico. 25 years old, diagnosed with Corticobasal Degeneration. Diagnose has been made three months ago, so far there are," She hesitated for a second, "no noticeable symptoms. Today's surgery will be the first of five, with room for more if necessary." She ended her explanation, swallowing the bitter feeling that ate its way up to her chest, leaving an acrimonic aftertaste behind.
"How do we proceed?" One of the interns asked. The head surgeon pointed at Maki, gesturing her to answer the question. She could feel Nico staring at her this time, making her nervous and tense. The crimson haired then proceeded to explain the surgery further. It was a complicated and risky surgery, one of five that would, in the end, give her only one or two months more to go.
"That's right, Nishikino. You're going to be in surgery with me and," Her supervisor turned around and picked a few more people who would be allowed to watch and, maybe assist, the procedure.
"We're going to take you up then." The head of neurosurgery said towards Nico. She was smiling at her as she spoke, but the black haired did not return the smile. She did not even look towards their direction. She just stared at a blank space in front of her.
Maki wanted to know what she was thinking so bad.
The crimson haired had never imagined a surgery to be this traumatic.
The moment the narcosis had affected the black haired entirely, the moment her ruby eyes had shut and only her slow and steady breath had made it clear that she was still alive, Maki had never felt this frightened.
But it was only normal for her first surgery. She would get used to it eventually. Her life would consist of those moments from now on.
Fortunately, the surgery went well. Maki had assisted every here and there, handing a few tools or inspecting the stats. Every time she had looked at the surgeon proceeding, the head of this small, petite creature being cut open; the slick flesh, her bare brain and nerves – Every time she had felt a shiver running down her spine, a certain unwell she could not explain.
Maki was glad her stats did not crash during the procedure. Thankfully, her heat beat kept steady. As they left surgery, the red haired had felt a sort of relief she had never experienced before. A relief, this heavy and intense.
"Great work in there, Nishikino." She was being told after. Thanking properly, Maki escorted the surgeon to the black haired's room. As they had parked the carriage Nico was laying on back onto its original spot, Maki dared to look at her. It was in that very moment, she realized – She was beautiful.
"Page me when she wakes up." The surgeon demanded. Maki nodded silently, making sure her pager was turned on so she would not miss a call.
Looking back one last time, Maki left the room, so Nico could rest properly.
"You're awake." Maki spoke softly as she entered Nico's room later on, greeted by the ruby eyes of hers, "How are you feeling?"
"Shitty," the black haired responded immediately. Well, at least she was honest.
Maki placed a hand on the stats screen, inspecting them closely, "Seems you have rested pretty well." She said thoughtfully.
Nico snorted. "Yeah. So well." She replied sarcastically, rubbing her forehead with a pained expression on her face. Maki couldn't help but feel concerned at that sight, compassionate even. She grabbed the pen inside her coat's pocket and wrote a note into the file: Headache complaints.
She was certain of that fact, the blacked haired was too proud to tell her, to even slightly admit that she felt pain. That way, a nurse would make sure to give her something against the pain.
"You will feel better in a few days, I can assure you." She pledged, trying to sound as optimistic as possible.
"Cut it already!" The black haired yelled enraged, ruby eyes glancing at her opposite, giving off a wild and furious vibe as she responded, "I am going to die. So stop telling me that everything's gonna be fine, it won't ever be fine." Her words had a certain kind of sharpness in them, sharp like knives even.
Maki could not react as she heard the words coming out of the petite girl's mouth. She stood there, hands shaking slightly, facing the file in her hands. Because she was right. She was so damn right. "Look at me when I'm talking." Nico demanded coarsely and Maki did without hesitation. She met her deep red eyes, shining with a shimmer in the glaring light.
"Tell me," The black haired continued speaking after a long and odd silence, "What's your first name?" It sounded softer than before, but somewhat enraged nevertheless. Maki discovered curiosity in the ruby eyes of hers, leaving her to wonder what it was with the sudden change of topic. How she slid in so easily from talking about her own death to talking about her.
"M-maki." She stuttered her reply, flushing at the sight of the black haired's curious stare. What the hell was she doing here, she was supposed to be a serious doctor.
"Maki Nishikino," Nico said, voice almost a whisper. She spoke more to herself than to the crimson haired in that moment; then, she locked eyes with her in an instant. "That's a beautiful name for a really beautiful girl." She stated serious, twirling a strand of pitch black silky hair between her pointer and middle finger.
Maki's mind went blank. It was not like the black haired had said something like that for the first time on that day. Maki avoided the gaze of her patient, trying to remain as relaxed as possible.
She wasn't allowed to get involved.
If she got involved it would kill her for sure.
She would be running towards the tip of a knife that would eventually tear her apart.
Collecting the last bit of her cool attitude and dignity, she looked up and replied, "You know, you shouldn't say such things to your doctor."
"Oh please." Nico laughed, "You're an intern. And what's so wrong with complimenting a beautiful girl? Life is short, you know," She paused for a brief moment, "If you think someone is beautiful you should tell them. Who knows if you ever get the chance to again?"
Maki knew she must be as red as a tomato, her face was burning.
After all, this girl was right. Life was so damn short.
When Maki left the hospital that day, she looked back several times, staring at the enormous facade of her parents' life achievement - The white walls, the overly big letters spelling 'Nishikino Hospital' at the very top of the building. As she walked towards her car and sat onto the driver's seat, she felt a sort of emotion she could not name first.
Attachment. Slight, but noticeable.
Maki grabbed the fabric of her shirt at her chest, clenching it in her first, squeezing it.
Don't get involved, Maki. Don't get involved.
The following day, Maki felt the exhaustion in her entire body, crawling its way up from her legs to her chest, leaving a tight and tense feeling there. She hissed as she stood up, too tired to even move a single bone. The crimson haired forced herself to stay awake, as tough as it seemed to her in that very moment.
When she entered the familiar hospital that morning, she felt death in the air, she could even smell it. The uncomfortable feeling crawled its way into her clothes, down her spine, up her arms, leaving large goose bumps on her sensitive, pale skin. Maki shivered at the thought of dying.
It wasn't death that scared her, it was dying.
As a surgeon, she had to get used to death. Death was a tool in the hands of a surgeon, death took greedily. But dying scared her so much. When you die, you are gone.
Gone with the wind.
As Maki undressed, unzipping her hoodie and getting rid of her tight jeans in order to change into her work wear, she wondered: What was worse – Leaving or leaving others behind?
Maki hurried; she wanted to check on her remaining patients from yesterday as fast as possible. It would take some time after all, no matter how much she tried to maintain simple and short conversations. She knew the reason for her rush. She knew it well.
It was five pm already when the crimson haired finally found some time to rest. Sundays had always been busy days since she had started her internship, leaving her breathless at the end of each. There had been many emergencies today, too which had resulted in having to help out a lot, just like many other interns. It was exciting, yet frightening. Many people died today. Maki did not want to think about it any further, the picture of a small girl dying on the operation table would not leave her mind nevertheless. The moment she had announced the time of death her voice had only been a whisper, she remembered. It had been her second surgery to witness so far and someone had died already. And someone this young, too. It was a shame.
Maki tried her best to avoid thinking about the odd and uncomfortable situation as she walked towards a rest room. She just wanted to check on her appearance to make sure she was looking somewhat acceptable.
As her amethyst eyes met the eyes of her reflection, Maki sighed deeply. She didn't look anywhere acceptable. She looked horrible. She brushed her strands aside, untying her ponytail soon after. Crimson hair fell loose onto her shoulders, slight, yet noticeable, curls at the end of each tip of her strands. She did not wear much make up today, only a hint of pencil eyeliner and a soft shade of red on her lips. Why did she care anyway?
Sighing yet again, Maki dropped it entirely, leaving the rest room somewhat disappointed.
And then the moment was there. The last patient she hadn't checked on for today. She didn't bother to knock this time. She was the doctor, she could intrude anytime. As she opened the wooden door, she met fresh, cold air. Her eyes examined the room: The window was open, white curtains waving in the wind. The black haired girl was sleeping, tightly it seemed so. Her silky hair fell loose around her shoulders, covering the entire bed.
Maki frowned a little bit; Why would she leave the window open when it was that cold?
It wasn't summer anymore. Winter was about to begin already. She walked towards the window, closing it in an instant. She would get ill otherwise, what the hell was she thinking.
The crimson haired caught herself staring at Nico, watching her as she was sleeping. Maki sat herself onto the bed, feeling the heat of Nico's body against her own. Her breath was steady and she would mumble something from time to time but Maki did not understand what she was saying.
Hesitantly, she stroked the other girl's pink cheeks with her fingers, brushing her silky strands aside, hooking them behind her ear. Her hair was smooth, leaving a scent of lemon shampoo on the red haired's fingertips.
"You really are beautiful." Maki whispered, a sigh following.
If she thought someone was beautiful she had to tell them, right?
She got up a few seconds after. She was not allowed to be seen or, even worse, heard. She couldn't be any longer in here than the time a simple examination would take. As the taller girl was about to move, she felt a grip tighten around her hand. A soft, warm hands reached for hers, holding tightly onto it. She turned around, meeting ruby sparkling eyes.
Impossible. For how long had she been awake already, acting asleep?
Maki felt herself blush once again. The presence of this girl made her blush all the time, it was a pain. But when Maki looked at the black haired closely, she noticed something she hadn't been able to see on her face yet.
Was she… blushing too?
A slight shade of pink covered the smaller girl's pale cheeks. Maki felt oddly pleased. For once, she wasn't the only fool around.
"Please stay a while." Nico whispered quietly, blushing even more. Maki did not reply, she just sat herself next to Nico once again, feeling the grip around her hand tighten.
"You should have closed the window, you don't want to catch a cold, do you?" Maki dared to scold her patient then, voice serious.
"What does it matter anyway…" She heard the petite girl whisper. It was a faint whisper and Maki wondered if she had only imagined it.
"I," Nico then started to explain, "I tried to."Maki looked at her, interested, understanding. The black haired locked eyes with her for a brief moment before looking away ashamedly.
"But as soon as I had reached the window, I wasn't able to lift my arm properly." She covered her face with her bare hands as soon as her words had left soft looking lips, not wanting the crimson haired to see her shame. Maki felt something inside her shatter as she heard the words leaving Nico's mouth; So the symptoms were noticeable after all. And she could not do anything to prevent them.
An odd silence hung between them as Nico continued to cover her face in shame. Eventually, Maki realized she wasn't ashamed only; she was crying - Silent tears running down her tender looking cheeks.
"Hey," Maki spoke softly, "It's okay. It's nothing to be ashamed of." She turned around a bit further, leaning forward in order to grab the thin wrists of the black haired. As she placed her palms around the pale flesh, she moved them aside, using little force. The heartbreaking sight she revealed with that action pulled at her heartstrings.
Ruby, watery eyes met hers, sparkling with a sad shimmer deep within their core.
The red haired's finger tips wiped away salty, wet tears from the corner of Nico's deep red eyes. Moments later, Maki got carried away with her feelings, tugging the smaller girl in an embrace, enveloping her arms around the thin, shaking body in front her. As Nico rested her chin on Maki's shoulder, muffled sobs leaving her soft, pink lips, Maki whispered all sorts of lies to her.
It's okay.
You're going to be fine.
It's nothing to be worried about yet.
It will go away eventually.
It's normal in the beginning.
Tomorrow you'll feel better.
Breathe. It's a bad day, not a bad life.
Maki regretted telling those lies the moment they had left her mouth. She got carried away, her feelings too strong in that very moment.
She wished she could have taken the words back.
I'm lying to you Nico, I'm sorry, she thought as she continued comforting the small body in her arms.
The days went by fast. Maki had comforted Nico a lot of times, she had visited her at least three times a day making sure she was alright. A month had passed already, winter had begun, leaving the scenery outside to look like a winter wonderland. Snowflakes were falling onto the ground as Maki walked to her workplace; She had decided to walk today. Winter had always been her favorite season - Watching the world turn into a giant pearl white snowball. And Christmas – Oh how she loved Christmas.
The crimson haired smiled as she entered the hospital on that day. She ran up the stairs to the floor of neurosurgery patients as soon as she was dressed for work, taking two steps at a time. She was so excited. Seeing Nico had become her favorite activity in the morning, in the evening, at all times.
She loved making the black haired girl smile and even laugh, giving her comfort and a shoulder to cry on.
The symptoms had increased in such a short amount of time already.
From time to time, Nico would not be able to move at all. She had seizures quite often, causing the nurses to react quickly and inject the remedy her small body needed in that moment.
Maki could barely look at her when they were helping her coming down from her paroxysm. If it was any other person, she would have injected the needle herself.
Maybe this was what they call love.
She wasn't sure.
Thankfully, Nico didn't loose any cognitive abilities so far. The day Nico wouldn't be able to realize what was happening around her would be the day Maki would never want to set a foot into this hospital ever again, she knew.
She shook her head, trying to convince herself that those moments were far away from their here and now. They couldn't reach her. They wouldn't reach her and the precious black haired beauty awaiting her in her room like a real princess. She was indeed one, Maki thought shamelessly.
Her pace quickened as she walked towards the familiar door, pressing down the pawl of the door with shaking hands and a painful pounding heart.
"There you are!" Nico hissed annoyed as Maki stepped in, "What the hell took you so long, Nishikino?" She asked accusing, a frown forming on her face.
"Relax! I walked to work today." She explained, smiling at the sight of the other girl's expression. She was so cute.
"Walking to work, huh." Nico mocked her, before continuing, "It's not like you need the workout anyway…" Her voice was only a whisper, a slight blush revealing her interior monologue pretty explicitly to Maki. She was trying to compliment her body. Maki's cheeks felt hot as she realized, trying to focus on something else as she spoke,
"How are you feeling today?"
"I'm fine, I guess," Nico started, a sigh following, "I have been able to close the god damn window by myself yesterday night after all."
Keeping her mobility was something Nico wanted desperately, Maki knew. She had told her some weeks ago. But Maki knew, eventually, Nico had to accept her fate, and more importantly, she had to accept her help. So far, Nico rejected any sort of help and if she couldn't do something herself, she just didn't do it at all.
That sort of rejection wasn't healthy, but Maki let her be. There would come a time when Nico would need help all the time. And she would be there for her. That was something Maki could pledge.
"Everytime you leave," Nico spoke, fumbling with the bed sheets, "I get pretty bored. It's so lame here when you're not around, I really hate that."
Maki felt her heart ache as she listened to the words of the raven haired, realizing her awful situation. She tried her best being supportive and optimistic, but she knew well, the moment she left the other girl's room there was nothing she could do. Maki realized that she was her only distraction, her only entertainment. The crimson haired felt a piercing pain inside of her chest as she watched the black haired looking out of the window, seeming oddly pensive.
She sighed, deep and heavy, "There is nothing I can do, after all I work here." She tried forcing a smile upon her face, but she could tell – it failed. She must look awfully embarrassing.
Nico locked eyes with her for a brief moment, "What's with that face?" She asked amused, a smug grin creeping its way upon her face.
"I-idiot." Maki replied, too embarrassed to add anything further.
"You know, Maki," Nico then continued speaking, voice suspiciously soft, "I sometimes wish-" the black haired didn't get to finish her sentence, being interrupted by a loud, whirring buzz that cut through the air. The noise seemed overly loud in that moment and, more importantly, extremely misplaced.
Ruby eyes gazed at Maki, a slight discomfort and - disappointment – hidden in the faint shimmer of deep red.
Maki moved her hands up her coat's pocket, fishing her pager out of it. The buzzing, annoying sound stopped as she pressed the button on it; feeling out of place.
"I'm sorry, Nico." She apologized truthfully, "I have to go, it seems to be an emergency." Maki hurried, not awaiting an answer from the black haired girl lying on the pearl white sheets; leaving the room quickly and running across the hallway.
"I am, too." Nico whispered as she felt the absence of the crimson haired seconds later, silence surrounding her as she lay there; facing the ceiling, breathing out roughly.
Maki wasn't able to visit Nico again that day. The whole hospital had been a mess after; everyone running around, everyone screaming, everyone dying. Maki was surrounded by death, tears, sobs and absence that day. It only reminded her of that one person she would eventually loose, too.
The red haired left late, feeling the cold and chilly air on her face as she stepped out, greeting snowflakes and a purely white parking lot. As she walked home, her steps felt heavy, as if she was walking on ice that would break anytime if she was not careful enough.
After all, you're not frozen solid, she thought, you will break eventually.
Maki remembered this year's Christmas as the most beautiful one she had ever experienced. It had been an awfully busy day at work, but she could feel the atmosphere. Christmas decoration hung everywhere and, thankfully, Maki did not witness any death at all. The Christmas spirit would not disappoint her after all.
When her shift was over finally; Maki hurried. Quickening her pace, she walked towards the parking lot, opening the trunk of her car, revealing a small, pink Christmas tree and a gift box.
Pink was Nico's favorite color, she knew.
Entering the girl's room soon after, Maki could not help but smile; a bright and truthful smile. She was excited to see the girl's reaction, excited to see her smile, excited to be embraced by her warmth and beauty.
"I thought you forgot, idiot…" Nico whispered as the sound of the closing door became noticeable, voice mourning. She had her back turned towards Maki and the crimson haired grinned quietly. How could she ever forget.
As the raven haired girl turned around, ruby eyes meeting Maki's, hair falling loose onto her shoulders, she approached her further, putting the Christmas tree on the small wooden table next to Nico's bed.
She noticed the ruby, gem-like eyes of her opposite widening in surprise, her expression flustered as she sat herself up. Slowly, but determined.
"M-maki?" She spoke questioning after clearing her throat.
"Yes?" The crimson haired replied, back turned towards Nico, still fumbling with the small Christmas tree she had placed on the table. A few seconds later, when Maki had finally inserted the tree's plug, pink, shiny light dipped the entire room into a breathtaking atmosphere, leaving the black haired speechless, even when Maki finally turned around to face her.
"I know I'm late," She sighed apologizing, "but I hope the mighty Nico can forgive me."
"Y-you're kidding, right?" Nico whispered coyly, a faint pink covering her cheeks as she looked aside, not wanting the intern to see her being all embarrassed and, so thankful, for the effort she had put into this. It was not much or extraordinary, but when it came from the right person, it was all she had ever wanted.
"I figured you would totally fall for this. Pink and cheesy and stuff." Maki mocked the smaller girl, a smug grin on her face as she sat herself onto Nico's bed. She reached for her hand, holding it tightly in her own, feeling the warmth of the black haired's soft and hot skin.
She felt the smaller girl's fist punching her softly in her upper arm, an attempt of revenge for her mocking words. As she looked aside, locking eyes with Nico, she smiled. There had been days the girl had not been able to move at all, body tensed and stiff lying on the white sheets, making her seem like a fallen angel with her raven, silky hair.
Maki was happy and glad, at least today it wasn't that bad. If she could punch her, everything was alright.
Everything was alright.
The red haired could feel her heat beating painfully inside of her chest; she thought her rib cage would explode anytime. As she looked Nico in the eyes, she noticed tears in the corner of her sparkling eyes.
"Hey, why are you crying?" She asked softly, yet surprised, squeezing the other girl's hand even tighter. The black haired wiped away the tears running down her cheeks by using her sleeve, leaving the white fabric somewhat soggy.
"I-I'm sorry, Maki, I just," She snivelled heartbreakingly, "I'm just so happy."
The crimson haired leaned forward, ignoring the painful, steady pounding inside of her body, reaching for the small gift box she had placed next to the pink, shining Christmas tree. The dimmed, soft pink light surrounding both of them in the mainly dark room made her feel a sort of excitement; adrenaline rushing through her veins. She was glad she had locked the door beforehand, so nobody could step in and ruin their private and intimate moment. She didn't think she would be able to do so now, her legs were shaking horribly.
"You know," The crimson haired began, "I have always loved Christmas because of the intimacy. Though I believed in Santa Claus until I graduated from high school, but-"
"You what?" Nico interrupted her, trying hard not to laugh in front of Maki.
At any time, Maki would have felt offended. But today, she was glad, glad she could make Nico laugh. Her eyes were sparkling now and Maki wondered why she didn't realize sooner.
"Yeah, go ahead and laugh." She spoke resigned, the sound of the black haired's smooth and soft laughter making her shiver soon after.
"Well, I'm glad, actually," Nico said, "Someone this beautiful has an embarrassing side, too. You always seemed too perfect anyway." Maki felt heat creeping up her neck at those words - She flushed, feeling soft red cover her cheeks entirely.
"I love seeing you blush though. You do know you're as red as a tomato, don't you?" The black haired continued mocking her, voice soft and loving. Maki knew she was blushing even more at the other girl's continuous words, if that was even possible. The grip around the small box in her hand tightened.
"J-just s-stop it!" She spoke embarrassed, registering Nico's soft laughter once again.
"Okay, okay, I'll drop it." The black haired promised in return, yet, an impish grin remained on her soft features. A brief, yet comforting silence hung in the air, until Maki gathered her thoughts for the final step she had prepared to take.
"Since it's Christmas, I thought, I," Maki began breaking the silence, pausing for a brief moment, unsure how to continue, "should buy you something, at least. I-it's nothing special, after all, but-" She tried playing it down, but Nico interrupted her quickly,
"You got me a present?" She asked surprised, eyes widening.
"Y-yeah." Maki replied curtly. She was so damn bad at this stuff.
"Jeez, and you say I am cheesy? What should I do with you, Maki…" Nico sighed, voice sarcastic, yet pleased and delighted even.
"J-just take it already!" Maki hissed, presenting the black haired the small gift box colored in the same shade as her hair color. Nico grabbed the box, their finger tips touching for a brief second and Maki could feel the tension, the heat, immediately.
"T-thank you." Nico spoke quietly, opening the box with her small, thin fingers and revealing a set of red ribbons, once again, colored in the shade of red of Maki's hair. Maki leaned forward a little, explaining her decision for the present before Nico could say anything, "The moment I first saw you, the first thing I noticed was your hair. It's so long and silky, and," She paused, running her fingers through the pitch black hair of the older girl, "smooth..." Her voice was only a whisper then. She could feel Nico's heart beating, the sound of her pounding heart close - so close - to her.
"Your hair really is beautiful," Maki continued, "You should try tying it up with these ribbons…"
"Maki… Thank you so much…" Nico whispered, voice only faint as her finger tips touched the silky surface of the crimson ribbons. Maki took one of the ribbons in her shaky hands.
"Turn around." She ordered softly and Nico did.
The red haired's fingers ran through the older girl's hair, raven strands falling onto the sheets, covering the bed entirely. She parted Nico's hair, tying one half into a ponytail while grabbing the other ribbon with her free hand. As she had tied up the other part as well, the black haired turned around again. Maki smiled truthfully at the sight of the older girl, looking stunningly gorgeous with her hair tied up. She had left out a few strands of her fringe that were now falling loose onto Nico's shoulders.
"Maki?" Nico whispered as she looked into the other girl's amethyst eyes, loosing herself in them completely.
"Hmm?" Maki replied humming, returning the gaze of the other girl as she sat next to her, feeling the heat of their bodies overly present.
"Is…is the door locked?"
"Yes…" Maki replied once again, and she only realized she had been in love all over when Nico leaned forward as soon as her response had left her mouth, pushing Maki softly into the sheets. For a brief moment, Maki wanted to stop her from her intentions before it was too late, but it had been too late for so long already.
Applying a soft pressure, Maki felt the pink, hot lips of the black haired pressing against her own, pulling her into a heated and fervent kiss. Returning the pressure, Maki's ears absorbed soft moans leaving the smaller girl's mouth, sounding like a symphony in her ears. She didn't want Nico to take the lead in this, afraid, her body would tense too much. Pulling away breathless, she sat up again, noticing the confused expression on the other girl's face.
She would erase all her sorrows for sure, just this one time at least.
Reaching for her left hand, Maki held onto it tightly as she pushed the raven haired back onto the pile of pillows and the blanket, pulling her into another kiss soon after. This time, she felt moans leaving her own throat as well, especially as the older girl opened her mouth slightly, allowing Maki to let her tongue slip in.
As Maki pulled away once again, she met ruby eyes, begging her for more, much more. The black haired tilted her head as Maki peppered soft kisses on her shoulder, moving closer to her chest, kissing her collar bones.
"A-are you sure about this?" Maki inquired, a slight nod telling her to continue.
"W-wait a second" Nico demanded paradoxically and Maki stopped immediately, looking up into warm, deep red eyes. The black haired hesitated for a while, before stuttering slowly, "I-I wish," Maki noticed Nico's eyes filling with tears once again, "I wish w-we had more time."
The older girl fought back her tears, looking aside.
I wish we had more time, too, Maki thought.
Smiling fondly, the crimson haired applied a soft pressure onto her hand as she turned the black haired's face towards her direction, forcing her to face her. Maki looked the smaller girl deep in the eyes, wiping away a single tear running down her soft, pink cheek.
"We've got all the time we need right now." She spoke softly, stroking the black haired's cheek tenderly, "We are here, and the present is the only thing that counts. In this present, we have all the time in the world."
Nico nodded silently, squeezing her hand tightly. Maki understood the wink, continuing what she had started. She ignored the pain inside of her chest decisively, piercing and sharp, biting holes into her delicate, sensitive heart. The present is the only thing that counts. The crimson haired grabbed the fabric of the white patient dress, lifting it. She tossed the needless piece of clothing carelessly on the ground, exposing the thin body of the smaller girl, wearing lacy underwear just as black as her smooth hair.
Maki could not help but wonder if she had chosen the lacy pieces on purpose; then again, it didn't matter.
She traced her fingers along the outline of Nico's breasts, smiling as she noticed the shiver on the other girl's sensitive skin. Her soft kisses turned into sloppy ones, moving along from her chest to her hips, feeling the heat from the arousal in the air.
"M-maki," Nico moaned softly, as the crimson haired continued pressing kisses onto her hips, moving even further, kissing the insides of her thighs. She smiled as soft moans eventually turned into gasps, "Maki!" The black haired panted, this time a demanding tone in her voice. Maki looked up, feeling her knees go weak at the sight of the black haired, struggling to maintain calm.
"Please," Nico gasped, "undress…" She covered her blushing face with her wrist as Maki inspected her expression. The crimson haired placed her fingers on the buttons of her blouse, slowly opening each, removing the piece of clothing soon after. It fell onto the ground next to Nico's dress. Maki leaned forward yet again, pulling the black haired into another kiss, this time, more heated, more passionate and more demanding. She moaned quietly into their kiss as she felt Nico's skin onto her own, hot and sweaty, restless bodies pressing against each other.
She did not want their kiss to end, she did not want this evening to end, she did not want this to end. She wanted to save this moment for eternity. She did not want to let go, ever.
You got involved, she thought.
When Maki drove home that day, she felt something deep inside of her heart.
Fear.
Summer came way too soon; Maki felt odd leaving the house without a jacket. It was surprisingly warm outside, sun rays greeted Maki's bare wrists as she stepped out of her apartment, steeling herself for another day as a resident.
She had absolved her internship gracefully, leading her to her new position as a resident. This way, she was allowed to even perform surgeries on her own from time to time. She remembered the first time she had opened up a body by herself; the excitement that had rushed through her body leaving her speechless.
But that was not the main thing that made her work so unbelievably cherished.
Ever since Christmas, Maki had never felt this happy, this lucky to have met Nico.
Yet, nobody at her work place had noticed so far. After all, Nico was her patient. And that was a thing Maki hated to admit.
Entering the hospital's entrance hall, Maki steeled herself for the rush. She was one of the most talented residents around, causing her to barely get a break during her shift. And that was a thing the crimson haired hated, too. She had less time to visit Nico. Her condition had changed drastically. Maki hated to think of it, but to put it into words; she did not think the black haired would have much time left. She was down to her last surgery out of five already, having been scheduled in a week.
The red haired could feel her heart ache at the thought but she shoved it away immediately. She had pledged to support her at all times; to help her through rough times. She would get her through this, too, even if she was the one breaking.
Maki hated love.
Love was fragile, love hurt.
When Maki visited the black haired in the evening that day, the window was open. The crimson haired felt her heart shatter at that sight, but she remained calm, closing it soon after.
Nico was not able to move that day and she wasn't able to move the following days either. Her muscles were tense, her body stiff and cold from the lacking motion. Maki had helped her with eating, even accompanied her to the bath room, even though Nico had told her it was embarrassing. But she had to accept the help, there was no other way around.
When Maki visited Nico a week later after her last surgery, Nico did not talk to her.
Maki had told her about her day, slipped in some jokes and even mocked the black haired from time to time, but the smaller girl remained mute, staring at the ceiling all the time. Maki had pressed a soft kiss onto her forehead, whispering those three words as she left.
A month later, Maki did not feel excitement anymore when she walked towards the black haired's room. She did not feel the pleasant joy inside of her stomach anymore, she felt drained.
Nico never talked to her again. She never looked at her again.
It happened during the beginning of autumn; When Maki walked into the other girl's room, she felt the odd atmosphere already. She started a conversation led by her only once again, sitting herself next to the thin body of the black haired as usual. It was tiring, but she convinced herself that it was for Nico's good. She had promised her. She would be there. Even at her worst.
Maki reached for the raven haired's hand, feeling the soft skin on hers as her finger tips touched Nico's palm with shaking hands. Additionally, she felt a slight tremor coming from the other girl's hand. She knew, she could not move properly, slight signs of the movements she wanted to make were the only way of showing her body language. And Maki knew this slight tremor, she had witnessed it before when a nurse or doctor had approached Nico.
Rage.
"Let go of me." Nico demanded furiously, "Do not touch me. Ever again."
Hesitantly, Maki let go of the other girl's hand, trying hard to fight back her tears. She had known this day would come all along, but when the moment was there, it seemed surreal; even like a dream. A nightmare.
Nico hadn't even looked at Maki; gaze remaining on the ceiling.
"If you ever touch me again, I will call a nurse." Nico clarified, "I don't even know you. Stop coming here all the time. You're a stranger."
Stranger.
The words pulled at the crimson haired's heart strings, knowing she was not able to maintain calm any longer.
She had known, Nico would loose her memory one day. She had known it.
She had fucking known it.
Fighting back her tears, she stood up, not daring to look at Nico again. Not daring to see the ruby in her eyes, to see her not looking at her. Not daring to even see her. This wasn't real. This was only a dream. Wake up, Maki.
When Maki had left the hospital that day, she felt a feeling deep inside of her heart, crawling its way up to her chest, leaving a tight, frightening feeling there. When she sat onto the driver's seat of her car, she could not fight back the tears any longer.
Tears that had been hold back for so long started running down her cheeks, her muffled sobs turning into loud cries, desperate, aching.
She clenched her fists, punching the steering wheel in front of her, causing her fingers to feel numb.
"Why?" She cried out, tears streaming down her face.
Why. Why. Why. Why.
"Why is this happening?" She cried dolefully, voice only a shaky whisper.
Loss.
The following winter had lost all its colors. Maki could only see black and white, sometimes shades of grey.
No colors.
It was tragic. Maki had never deplored something more than the loss of the black haired, mysterious, magnificent girl called Nico Yazawa.
When Nico had died, life had lost meaning completely. Maki only woke up to work, to save lives, just to be reminded that she had not been able to save the one life she had wanted to be saved most.
It happened around the last short days of autumn. Even though Nico had told her to leave her alone, Maki had visited her nevertheless. She would not break her promise. She would make sure Nico was okay, even if she was the one breaking.
Maki was there when Nico had breathed her last breath. She remembered the exact moment when her pager had gone off, she remembered how she had run along the hallways, recklessly. She remembered the fear, the endless fear inside of her as she had reached Nico's door, only to open it and find the body of the black haired, jolted up in the exact moment she had laid her eyes on the scene, someone screaming "Clear!" overly loud, the sound of electricity filling the air.
Nico's body did not respond, no matter how many times they charged up.
Maki remembered the sound of the high-pitched noise ringing in her ears, echoing in her mind, telling her that it was too late.
When a nurse had announced the time of death, Maki ran way. She had run along the hallway into the nearest on call room. Locking the door behind her, she had collapsed on the floor, crying out loudly.
When Maki had come to the final realization that the love of her life was dead, winter had begun already.
Everything had lost its purpose, its color, its meaning. Sometimes, Maki could still hear the voice of the black haired girl, mocking her, complimenting her, making her blush. It was tragic. Entirely.
The girl with the smooth, silky, pitch black hair and the soft, pink cheeks was gone, leaving Maki alone in a void nothing could ever fill. She had kept her promise. She had been there until the very last minute, supporting Nico, the girl that had left her speech- and breathless several times, the love of her life that had been taken away from her in a cold, merciless winter.
Maki no longer wondered whether leaving or leaving behind was worse.
She had gotten her answer already.