So, this is a ridiculously stupid "story" I had posted a while back. I took it down, made a few changes, and decided to put it back up. If you aren't entertained by complete and utter stupidity, then don't bother to read. If you enjoy such things, however, by all means continue. :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, its characters, or the theme song to "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."

Edward and Bella were sitting in their special meadow, staring longingly into each other's eyes. Edward was completely focused on not losing control and accidentally offing his girlfriend And Bella's thoughts were focused on her gorgeous man-buddy.

Edward's so pretty. He's prettier than cotton candy ice cream. He's so perfect. I just love him. I wish I were an awesome vampire then I would be perfect and fantabulous and beautiful and not plain and boring and ordinary like I am now. Oohh! Look! A bunny!

Once the dimwitted Bella lost all interest in the bunny that was frolicking nearby in the meadow, her thoughts were directed back to Edward. Then something struck her as odd. She, of course, knew that Eddie was a vampire. But how did he become a vampire? This was something Edward had never shared with her, because he didn't think that Bella would understand.

"Eddie-kins?" Bella asked

"Yes, my love."

"How did you become a vampire? Did you take a vampire pill? Or did you go to a mythical creature convention and buy some kind of vampire serum?"

Edward was taken aback for a moment, utterly shocked that Bella even knew such words as "mythical" and "serum." "Do you really want to know, my precious?"

"Yes, Edward! More than anything."

"Okay then. I'll tell you."

Edward stood up and grabbed his backpack, pulling out the stereo that he carried around at all times for occasions such as these. You never know when you're going to need background music. He pressed play and the sounds of the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" theme song filled the spring air. And Edward began to rap like no one has ever rapped before.

Now this is a story all about how

My life got flipped, turned upside down

and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there

I'll tell you all about how I became a vampire

In Chicago, Illinois, born and raised

With Edward and Liz I spent most of my days

In 1918, things got really bad

People got sick, they looked oh so sad

When the influenza became a big problem

Making people's voices rasp just like Gollum

With one little bite, Carlisle became my sire

Yes that is how I became a vampire.

As a vampire I left my old life behind

And then I found out that I could read minds

Reading people's minds, it ain't all that hot

You hear a lot of things you wish you had not

I got all depressed

Became the ultimate emo

That's when I started to listen to screamo

I decided to be different, yeah I rebelled

I bid the Cullen family a fine farewell

Of being on my own I soon began to tire

I then embraced my life as a veggie-eatin vampire

That first day I saw you in bio class

I thought my human blood cravings had all passed

But I was wrong, that's why I disappeared

I fled to Alaska so you wouldn't be near

So I wouldn't bite you and suck your yummy blood out

That's what I would have done, I have no doubt

But I couldn't resist, even though you smell so sweet

Without your whininess, my life wouldn't be complete

And now we're together, our love burns like fire

And one day we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Vampire.