Life is often referred to as unpredictable; a monotonous rhythm cannot make it's way into the chaos. Yet we try to create our own little schedules that end just falling apart when life catches up again.
I never had that problem. Nothing has shaken me out of my world so far, and I really doubt anything ever will. I make a living watching people in their spontaneous lives, living each day differently than the last. I was content to watch them; it was better than becoming one of them. But some part of me longed to be part of them, carefree and giddy in the sunlight instead of flinching away from the golden rays.
Maybe that's why I busy myself with the reconstruction of the old house at the end of the block. It was huge and looked haunted because of the broken windows and the rumors that teenagers often spread around. I rebuild things to forget the past, what I lost that night all those years ago.
"Squall, really, why do you always get so upset when I talk to him? We grew up together, he's just a friend." Rinoa snaps at me harshly as I drive us home.
I had a frown set on my face, attempting to ignore her as best as I could. My girlfriend. My fiance, I reminded myself, had been in the arms of Seifer. Though they were just dancing and laughing about something in their past, I didn't miss the way he looked at her hungrily.
"Squall,are you even listening to me?!" She screeches and I whip my head away from the road to look at her coolly.
"I hear every word that's coming out of your mouth, Rinoa, and I do love you, but damn it, sometimes I get fed up with him looking at you like you're a piece of meat." I snap back at her. I don't notice the way our little car is drifting into the right lane, nor do I see the semi barreling towards us until it's too late.
The white light blinds me and I hear Rinoa scream. The next thing I know is that it's dark. Not too dark to be black, but dark enough to let me know that it's still night. And everything hurts. There's blood in my eyes and I can't seem to figure out why.
"Sir, stay still." A paramedic tells me and I want to snort at him and get up but I can't. I glance around me and see all the flashing lights and I see Rinoa on a gurney, being wheeled into the ambulance. I struggle to get up even more, screaming her name in relief. But when I see the paramedic on the side shake his head sadly and lifting the blanket over her face, everything goes black.
I shake my head to clear it of that night. I can't ever really forget that night; I bear the scars to prove it happened. Though sometimes I try to tell myself that it was all just a nightmare, that I'd wake up and she'd be sleeping next to me peacefully, like always.
I don't know what was worse: that her father didn't blame me for his daughter's death or that Seifer had tried to actually be nice to me, muttering it was what Rinoa had wanted.
The blond had made it a habit to check in on him once a week, mostly just to say hello and to make sure I wasn't killing myself. At first, I didn't know what to say about it, but I just went with the flow, acting civil.
But then I moved to this new, sleepy little town where no one knew of my past, my demons haunting me, nor did they try to pry into my life. I moved in with my sister Yuffie at first before finding a place of my own, not liking to impose upon her. She had her own life to live and I wasn't going to hinder it.
When I found the rundown house I'm attempting to fix, I fell in love. The city leader said if I fixed it up and kept it fixed up, I could own it. It was the sweetest deal I had ever heard.
Wiping my brow, I look up from hammering a nail into the roof and glance around the city streets. A few children are chasing a dog, a couple of my sister's friends are gathered, eating lunch, and there is a shadow covering my light... Wait, what?
I look up higher and blink blankly at my sister, seven months pregnant, standing in front of me, eating a banana and God-knows-what sandwich. "Yuffie," I ask calmly, "what are you doing up here?"
She just grins sheepishly and I can't stop the twitch at the corner of my lips with her infectious joy. "I came to tell you that you're coming to my baby shower later tonight." She tells me and I stare at her incredulously. "What? Don't give me that look, Squall!" She says and I flinch at the name.
I stand up and lift Yuffie into my arms to carry her back down to the ground level. "I told you not to call me that anymore, Yuffie." I whisper, eyes glazing over, locking out the world. She huffs but doesn't say anything. "And yes, I'll be there."
And she's grinning again and kissing my cheek before running off, still munching on her sandwich. I shake my head at her and smile wryly.
Heading inside the house I'm fixing, I frown when I notice the mess but shrug it off. There's nothing I can do about it now; I have to shower and get ready to go. Knowing Yuffie, her baby shower would be in an hour or so.
In the bathroom, I strip off my shirt, trying not to flinch when I catch myself in the mirror. I forget about the scars on my body easily enough, but the one on my face is a constant reminder. It goes downward between my eyes and I shudder when I hear Rinoa's scream echo through my mind. Shaking my head, I continue to strip down and take a fast shower.
Getting out after a few minutes, I head for my room, not bothering with a towel, and shimmy into my usual pair of leather pants and a white shirt. I glance at the ring laying on my bedside table and shake my head. Letting go of the past is hard.
Stepping into my boots as I leave, I shove my hands into my pockets and head towards Yuffie's house. I'm not sure how I allowed her to get pregnant; she's not married to the guy yet and they're already expecting a child.
A flash of pain hits my heart and I close my eyes, pressing my hand to the nearest wall to keep myself up.
"Squall?" Rinoa asks from the bathroom. I'm sitting on our bed, reading a novel and give her a grunt as an answer. "Um...Don't get mad at me, okay?"
Intrigued, I set my novel down and pull the reading glasses from my face and set them on top of the book. "Why would I possibly get mad at you, Rinoa?" I ask her as I wander into the bathroom. She has a fearful look on her face and she's hiding something behind her back.
"Well... You remember that night I told you I slept with Seifer?" She asks and I force myself not to growl. Of course I remember. It had been an accident in the first place, on all accounts, so I couldn't blame her. I nod. "I-I'm pregnant..." She whispers, closing her eyes tightly, fearing I would hurt her.
I sigh softly and shake my head, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her close. "It's alright, Rin. I'm upset that it's not my child, but I'll love him or her regardless because you are their mother." I tell her and I can hear her sob of relief.
"Leon? You gonna stand there all day or are you going to come inside?" A soft voice calls, calling me out of my reverie. I blink my eyes open and see Aeris, one of Yuffie's friends, smiling at me with concern.
"Yeah, I'm coming in," I say, giving her a slight smile and walking past her when she steps aside to let me in. Inside, there's balloons, confections, presents, and what looks like games sitting on various tables. Yuffie's laughing madly while Tifa presses a hand to her extended stomach, feeling the child move. Basically, it's a normal setting.
"Squally! You came!" Yuffie squeals and I flinch at the name again. She covers her mouth quickly, a silent apology but she's smiling still. "C'mon, I was just gonna start opening the presents for the baby!"
I chuckle and shake my head but cross the room and lean against the wall nearest the group. Getting the feeling I'm being watched, I glance out of the corner of my eye and blink.
Leaning against the wall perpendicular to mine is a blond with his arms crossed over his chest, watching me intently. His blue eyes slide over my body slowly, as if evaluating me, but he doesn't move much aside from that. Dressed in all black, he looks almost like a messenger of death... And I shiver at the thought. He looks familiar, but I can't think of from where. "Staring's a bad habit," I tell him, at which he snorts and pushes off the wall, heading towards me.
"Yeah? And you think you're my mother, huh?" He asks and I roll my eyes again. I remember him now.
"Nice to see you too, Cloud." I say, knowing he didn't recognize me. I didn't blame him; most people didn't with the scar and my longer hair. I wince when he gets uncharacteristically close to me, eyes examining me.
"Squall?" He asks, confusion written in his tone. I give him a grunt in affirmation and his lips twitch upwards. "Well, how's married life treating you?" He asks and I look away, pain in my eyes. The room has gone silent with his question and he realizes something's off.
He looks around and sees all the women staring at him, shock in their eyes. His brows knit together in confusion and Aeris clears her throat. "Cloud, Rinoa died a few months back." She explains and I fight back the tears I know are burning behind my eyes.
His blue eyes widen and he whips his head to look at me. "Squall, I didn't know, man, I'm sorry." He whispers, putting his hands on my shoulders. I pull out of his grip quickly and look at him with a cold glare.
"Stop calling me that; it's not my name anymore." I seethe before dropping my gift for Yuffie in the mountain with the others and run from the house, ignoring the calls of my name.
Hours later and I'm sitting on a bar stool, sipping at a glass of vodka, thinking about life... Or, more specifically, suicide. Russian Roulette sounded rather run at the moment. Spin the barrel, cock the hammer, pull the trigger. Five chances to live, one to escape.
I shake my head and pay for my drink before leaving. I hadn't taken in much alcohol, which leaves me thinking completely rationally. I head towards the tree behind my house and plop down under the branches, looking out towards the sunset. I snort.
Russian Roulette, a game of chance, of luck. One bullet, two players. It seemed simple enough.
My eyes grow half-lidded as I watch the reds, oranges and purples blend with the dark blues of night. A breeze flowing by rustles my hair and I smile slightly before shaking my head. "Life's just like it." I murmur without much thought.
"Life's like what, Squall?" I stiffen when I hear Cloud's voice and mentally curse when he takes residence beside me. But I'm craving the company, so I don't bother with the name-correcting.
"Life's like Russian Roulette... We all play it with our choices every day. Just like that night... Rinoa lost the roulette that night." I say softly, eyes becoming unfocused as I become lost in my memories. I'm brought out of it after a moment when I feel a pair of chapped, pressing against my soft ones and I enjoy it for about two point five seconds. Only that long because they're gone.
"Why are you thinking of suicide?" Cloud asks me when I turn my head to look at him. His eyes are heavily guarded and I shrug.
"Everyone thinks about it once in a while." I tell him with a dry chuckle. He rolls his eyes, exasperated. "Besides, what do I have going for me that I'll really lose if I die?" I ask, turning away from him.
I don't see his hurt look and he's silent for a long moment. Maybe he's gone, I muse. But I hear him exhale and glance at him.
"You really don't know, do you? You weren't there when Yuffie found out she was pregnant, only to find out you're lying half-dead in a hospital. You weren't the one who had to keep her from rushing all the way across the fucking country to strangle you." Cloud said, eyes hard. "I was. I was also by your side for the four months you were in the hospital."
I stare at him. He had? Then why hadn't I seen him. He chuckles wryly. "Because I always left before you woke up. I knew you wouldn't want me there, even though it wasn't the first time I saved your fucking life." Cloud shifts and pins me to the ground, glaring. "Your life is mine, Squall. Don't you dare throw it away." He stated.
I stare up at him, a little scared. Who wouldn't be? This guy had been known to snap at the smallest things but let huge things slide. "I....I...." I stammer out but it's not the answer he wants because he kisses me again.
His lips are a little more desperate than I know he'd care to admit and I find myself giving in, my usually gloved hands gripping at the shoulders of his shirt tightly, like he'll disappear as well if I let go. And I don't want that; I don't want to be dragged back into the darkness of my past at every little thing that comes by. I kiss him back, my eyes clenching shut tightly in an urge to keep my tears from his sight. His tongue lashes out, forcing its way into my mouth and takes dominance quickly.
As he's kissing me, my thoughts go back to before Rinoa's death, a rare time these days, and I find out he's right. Every time I've thought of letting go, of letting the embrace of death envelope me, he's been the one to keep me breathing. I don't even realize that he's pulled back until there are kisses being littered over my face.
"Oh, Squall..." He whispers softly, and I open my watery eyes to look up at him. "Don't put me through that kind of panic again. I love you too much."
And just like that, the game is over.