This is a one-shot told from Ruka's view. I know I have other stories running and I should continue them, but since I've watched Utena, this has been bugging me, so I finally put it down. I hope you like it. Comments and critisism is appreciated as this is my first Utena-fic.
PS: Tell me if you spot some terrible grammar or wrongly used words, so I can correct them.
I shouldn't have put her through that last duel.
It would have spared her a lot of pain. I should have known better, if I really wanted her best. For a man who claims to have her happiness at his heart I've caused her a lot of misery.
Still I won't apologize.
I had hoped I could help her, my belief was fund.
'Always so full of yourself, Captain.' Her mockingly chiding voice still rings in my ear. "You cannot always predict how people will react." She had told me whilst holding the blade of her rapier at my throat. She had been right. I hadn't foreseen that she would turn her stumble into a roll. As little as I had foreseen that she would deliberately knock my sword out of my hand in the process with her foot. The glint of pride shone on her features and I had smiled at her. "This certainly wasn't the noble way to win, Jury." I said coolly and pushed her blade away. "But there aren't many people who could surprise me like that."
Now she had done it again, just by walking into my room. My hopes raised at her sight, because, truth to be told, I hadn't expected to see her again. I assumed she would withdraw; a hurt, wild animal licking her wounds. And by the time she would face me again I might quite sure be dead. But as she walked in to the room I suddenly felt a flutter of elation. Something I hadn't experienced in a long time.
Maybe the pain I made her suffer had not been all worthless, maybe she had finally managed to dissolve herself from that spiteful girl.
I put on the brightest smile I could muster. One that would have the other schoolgirls fainting if directed at them.
"Hello Jury, how nice to see you here." It's my chitchat voice I'm using, a light and friendly tone. I gesture for her to take seat, either on my bed or on one of the chairs, but she ignores it and remains standing at my bedside.
"Why did you come back if you were still so ill?"
Typically Jury, not wasting any time on meaningless politeness. The reproach in her voice was blatant. I still kept my smile in place.
"Yes, thank you, I feel quiet better now."
A spark gleamed up in her eyes, a quick spurt of a flame. "Ruka quit the banter!" And there is it again, that sharp edge to her voice. "Why did you risk your health? What for? Just to take part in those stupid duels?!"
She was not really screaming, I might say hissing but that wouldn't be true either. The words just left her mouth with a weight to them and that weight let them fall on my bed like heavy stones.
It was kind sweet to see Jury like that, to hear that undertone of worry in between her words. It was heart-warming, if one likes such a description.
"I had goal to achieve." I simply replied. Suddenly I felt overwhelmed with the wish to reach out to her and hold her hand, to calm her, and also myself. I freed her from that girl, so that she could be happy again and even if I haven't enough life left to spend with her, I at least wanted to bring her a miracle so she can believe in them again.
Those are the words I might have said, yet I didn't. Telling Jury about my health and my chances of recovery converging zero, would only result in more pointless worrying on her part. She couldn't help me anyway, so I spare her the burden of knowing.
When I had seen her standing in the arena after her last fight, I had made myself a promise. She had been like the rose she had pulled from her lapel and thrown on the ground. Broken. I had promised I would never again, do anything to put more grieve on this fragile women, who stood there amidst the rain, staring up into the sky. Never again.
"You're stupid, Ruka, and careless." Jury was still remaining her stern attitude. I couldn't help but curl my lips into a small grin. "Maybe, but I'm sure I could say the same about you, too, Jury."
"If you can still joke around like this you're obviously not that bad off." She huffed, suddenly touched in her dignity.
Jury huffing was something I had never seen before. It was so, well, typically girly, I started laughing loudly. However, the feeble muscles of my lungs weren't taking the action well. All too soon my laughs deteriorated into coughing and gasps for air.
She immediately was by my side, holding up my body, so it wouldn't contract and make the breathing more difficult. A few moments later, the fit had ceased. "I'm sorry you had to see me like this." I said weekly, there was no denying my body still was affected. I could sit up without her support now, but was still shaking lightly.
Jury poured glass of water from my nightstand and handed it over, closely watching me if I would burst into another round of coughs. So much care at once was almost more than I liked. I should have been the one to care for her, not the other way round. Yet in my state I could only accept it.
Eagerly I let the cool water run down my dry throat until the glass was empty. When she moved to take it from me, to put it back on the nightstand, I caught sight of her hands. Thin red lines were visible, on her fingertips and on her palm. Haphazardly as if someone had experimented with the contrast of her with flesh against red ink.
My hand shot out and grabbed hers. Startled by my sudden movement, the glass she let go of the glass and with a dull thud it fell on the mattress before rolling down and crashing on the floor.
She tried to draw back her hand, but I held it in my grip, gentle but firmly. "You picked it up, out of the shards, didn't you."
She didn't answer, but my sentence hadn't really been a question. I had known the answer as soon as I had asked and if there was any need for confirmation, the look in her eyes sufficed as a proof. Those honest eyes that could never betray the emotion she was feeling.
On the day we first met they were full of a passionate ambition and it was this very fire, which had enlightened a blaze in my heart that kept smouldering there. Now those eyes weren't blazing anymore, nor did they show ambition, the only thing I could detect in Jury's gaze was a kind of sad anger. Part of this anger was directed at me, for literally catching her red-handed, I know. And a part of her was angry at herself, because she still couldn't rid herself of that girl.
Finally I let go of her hand. She didn't immediately pull it back, because now there was nothing left to hide. Instead Jury lowered her gaze down, studying the thin red traces on her pale flesh for a moment. When she looked up again the anger in her eyes had not vanished but it was overshadowed by another emotion, one I found even harder to bear than her anger: sympathy.
I remembered once when I had questioned her about Tenjou Utena, Jury had called her a cruelly innocent girl. Now I found myself thinking that Arisugawa Jury has a cruel honesty about her. "I'm sorry, Ruka." she said and in that moment I didn't know what exactly she was apologizing for.
My head slumped back into the cushion, my eyes not leaving hers. Somehow I feel weaker than moments ago when I had been desperately longing for air in my lungs. I didn't want to believe I put those things upon Jury all for naught. Did all effort I made had to be in vain?
"Maybe it was fate." she says after some silence "A cruel joke of fate that had me fall for Shiori so hard and you in turn falling in love with me."
"Yes, maybe it is." And though I replied this, I knew we both know better. We could have had every other person in this entire school. Boys and girls alike swooned at Jury's feet and no other girl resisted the charms of my blue eyed smile, the sudden increase of female member in the fencing club at my return proves that.
Neither of us spoke it aloud, though it was clear so as well. We both clung to our loves, fully aware of the little chances to find fulfilment. Falling in love is not something to freely choose, but what we did choose was not to alter our situation although we could have had so many chances.
We were alike in this, both of us determined to hold that love in our hearts, with a faint spark of hope. But it made it easier to blame it on a thing like fate because if there was a choice of fate involved, it wouldn't have been our own fault to end up so empty.
In her face I could read she was thinking somewhere along the same lines. Slowly I shook my head. The only possible thing left to say would be apologizing, but I'm not sorry for trying to free her, I only regret the outcome.
Softly I touched her hand. "You were one of the few girls who never showed any signs of a crush on me." I told her, changing the topic abruptly to stop us dwelling, and with a grin continued. "One of the extremely few, I might add."
Jury hesitated and for a moment she seemed to want to add something more, but then was gone and she went along, in a more casual tone. "The way you say it, I'm not sure whether this is a reproach or a compliment, Ruka."
"Take it as a compliment, Jury, that you were actually able to withstand my charms."
"And you were one of the few, who weren't afraid of me." In the few fleeting seconds while she said that, Jury held my hand. Once I had registered the warmth of her hand she had already disentangled herself and was standing up. "Get well soon, Ruka." She said before leaving and she looked like she thought I would recover.
I felt sorry to disappoint her.
I watched her retreating back, conscious it would most likely be the last time I did. I would have liked to get a goodbye kiss from her, a last souvenir from the women I cherished so long. If my body were strong enough I would have boldly taken one, a light kiss, nothing more than the warms of two pairs of lips touching. It would be a memory to light up the upcoming night, so I wouldn't be afraid of the darkness of deep sleep. But I can't get a kiss, and if I asked she would only comply out of sympathy.
"Jury." I called out to her.
She turned around to me, one hand already lingering on the doorknob. "Yes, Ruka?"
As she stood there at the door, illuminated by the sun as if embraced by a flame, I saw them, the words I could say to her, to tell her goodbye.
"Don't crave for the power to disprove miracles."
She gave me a bewildered look, as if to say 'why do you bring that up now?', but I continued.
"You're only wasting your time. Make a miracle happen for yourself. Remember, you're the one to decide your own fate."
Her lips curled upwards in a small smile, a hopeful kind of smile, like she actually wanted to believe those words. "That's sounds like some kind of novel or fairytale."
"Yes, well, but maybe it's true." I replied. And without another word she left. She had beaten me once, she could achieve what I had failed to do. I engraved that last smile of hers in my mind. It was in the end more than I could have hoped for.
"Farewell Jury" I whispered to the closed door.